


Bubble

by Hichanchen, SMUTSIS_maria



Category: Monsta X (Band), Wonho - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Based on Real Events, Body Image, Cars, Curvy Wonhee, Drama & Romance, Escort Service, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Misgendering, Money, Non-Penetrative Sex, Sexual Tension, Smut, There are so many things that money can't buy, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Transpositivity, Trust Issues, What a story Mark, Why do women have to say yes to every single thing, Wonhee is curvy and loves baking, beautiful sex scenes, because Wonhee doesn't want anything else, this is still queer, we can't help it, which is okay, you don't have to explain yourself, your body is beautiful no matter what others say
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:33:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 146,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25714345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hichanchen/pseuds/Hichanchen, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SMUTSIS_maria/pseuds/SMUTSIS_maria
Summary: This is a story that touches a topic we have no personal experience with, so we talked and learned from a very good friend of ours who helped to put his individual experiences and his long way towards the person he is now into words. Thank you so much and this is your happy ending because you deserve to have one every day.
Relationships: Chae Hyungwon & Lee Hoseok | Wonho, Chae Hyungwon/Original Female Character(s), Wonhee - Relationship
Comments: 36
Kudos: 63





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [shadyhon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadyhon/gifts).



> Dear readers,  
> We are back with our newest story: **Bubble**. We really enjoyed writing it and hope that you will enjoy reading it and get a glimpse of the thoughts we had while creating it. It deals with consent, body positivity and with how little we know about the long and painful way that some people have to go through to become who they are. It's a very cute and sometimes painful story.  
> Bubble is already written and published and we will be updating every second day, so you can look forward to that!  
>   
> If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
> (Write us a brief dm so we can accept your follow. We decline if we don't get a dm.)  
> [INSTAGRAM](https://www.instagram.com/smut_sis/)  
>   
>   
>   
> We are really hoping that you will enjoy this story as much as our previous works if not more and will be able to take something precious with you.  
>   
> We write one character each, also if it is the perspective of the respective other character  
> Hichanchen writes Hyungwon  
> SMUTSIS_maria writes Wonhee, Mark, Wonhee's mom, Yeojoo  
> As always a special Thank You to our beta-readers Molly and Natalie and to Angie, who drew a gorgeous cover for it.  
>   
>   
> We are always so damn grateful for every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, a kudos or a message on Twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly, it's THE SHIP)  
> (We also have another story on the way after this one, so stay tuned.)

CHAPTER 1

“If the end of the world was coming, where would you choose to be?” the high voice sounded from the phone that was pressed against her ear with her shoulder as she tried to collect all her belongings and hopefully not drop anything when she left the car.

“Definitely not next to a man,” she commented and looked at the passenger seat again, but it was empty. Good.

“You really hate people, wow. I think I would drink a vanilla latte at the Coffee Fellows because the part-time worker looks super cute.”

“People? Don’t know, maybe, but surely men. I don’t know who had the idea to create them, like, they aren’t civilized, don’t understand human language, use their three brain cells to manipulate, start wars, disrespect women and use their status and money to make the rest of humanity listen to their self-centred verbal diarrhoea.” Sighing, she threw her small bag over the other shoulder and locked the car with her butt, finally switching the side as her ear started to hurt. “I just hate him. I hate him so much that I looked up how much it costs to hire a hitman. Do you know anybody who doesn’t understand: ‘I would rather cut myself into pieces than let you touch me ever again.’? Because he said that I’m just a bit upset and that ‘we can get through this’. Who is 'we', Yeojoo? Who is he talking about? He told my parents he still wants me and will ‘fight’ for me. I just... want to see him die a painful and torturous death.”

“One man is not every man. Ah, I can see you, you can tell me about it inside.” Short sounds beeped into her ear as she almost stumbled over a step before finally entering the cafe. She couldn’t see Yeojoo yet, but her best friend’s favourite spot was around the corner on the big leather couch, so she got herself an iced latte and a Snickers tart, because it looked so good and the memory of the caramel taste made her smile. Cake was so much better than literally anything else and definitely better than men.

She threw her phone into the small Prada bag, took the plate with the cake and her drink and carefully made her way towards the sitting area. Step after step, she walked around the corner, trying her best not to drop her order and finally found her best friend sitting on the big leather couch, legs crossed and sipping on her iced Americano.

_She can’t see around the corner, can she?_

“You couldn’t have seen me, you bitch,” she hissed, placing both, the glass and the plate on the table, before letting herself fall into the soft cushions. “You just didn’t want to listen. But nice jeans, they look amazing on your thighs. Where did you get them?”

“Don’t remember. And yeah. You didn’t want to talk about the cute guy and I knew I wouldn't escape this conversation once you were inside, so I shortened it. You look calm for somebody who hates everything and wants to hire a contract killer to get rid of her rich and powerful ex-boyfriend.” Yeojoo took another sip of her coffee. “It’s not expensive though.” She grinned.

The comment broke the tension and she laughed aloud, leaning over her iced latte and sucking some of the milky liquid into her mouth. “It’s not. But I swear I meant it. I actually thought about it because I keep seeing him, Yeojoo. He is everywhere I go and mostly at places where I can’t tell him to fuck off that easily. Tomorrow evening I have to go to that charity event at the Residence and he will be there. My parents were already making a fuss that they don’t want ‘any drama’ because it affects stock prices. I wish I had some robot in the wardrobe that I could simply pull out for events and then put him back where he would stay, quiet, so I can do what I want.”

“Wait, I think there’s something like that. My aunt keeps using an agency when she goes to fashion shows and the guys there are awesome. She said they’re respectful and just shut up and smile. Wait; let me find it, what was the name again…” Yeojoo pulled out her phone and started typing furiously. She simply stared at her friend in complete lack of understanding.

_What guys?_

It didn’t take long for her friend to stand up, walk around and sit right next to her, lifting the bright screen to show her a bunch of portraits.

“What’s this?” she murmured.

“Men. Men you can rent out for an event. They will accompany you and be handsome and smile next to you, so Mark can suffer a little and can’t come too close without looking like a creep. What about this one? Fabio? He’s hot, just look at his edgy face, oh my god, I think I’m in love.”

She rolled her eyes, but returned her gaze to the screen because no matter how much Yeojoo got distracted; her best friend had made a point and caught her interest.

“The good thing is, they’ll get fired if you complain about their behaviour, so it’s pretty safe.”

“Is there only Fabio?” she asked and broke off a piece of Snickers tart, letting it melt in her mouth and humming at how fucking good it tasted. “Someone who doesn’t look as if he’s from those straight romance novels?”

“Whoah, that one doesn’t really look like that, right?” Yeojoo squealed and she managed to swallow the piece of cake before looking at the screen and the reason for her friend’s mental breakdown.

_Holy shit._

There was a portrait of a person, shot in the same style as the rest, but it was so different from the others. The employee had shoulder length black hair and stared into the camera, head tilted to the side. Big eyes, a long, round nose, round chin and plump lips. At first, she wasn’t sure what caught her attention apart from the fact that he looked more feminine or like a model, as if it was an edited picture of someone else, because people in real life didn’t look like that. Maybe she was surprised to see the rather soft features, especially compared to the other escorts. Or that guy was just really fucking beautiful.

“This one is photoshopped, isn’t he? What’s his name? Hyungwon?” Stuffing another piece of cake into her mouth, she looked at the picture again. “I wonder how he actually looks.”

“Oh, but they don’t do Photoshop, I’m shaken. I mean… first I thought it was a woman, but the page says it's a man and he’s more beautiful than me, I hate life.” Yeojoo zoomed in on the handsome face before accidentally tapping the booking button. “Oh my god, it’s super cheap, like 100€ an hour and he’s free tomorrow! Let me book him and you take a picture and tell me if he actually looks like that, okay?”

Before she was finished chewing, her best friend had already booked a man she had never met before to accompany her to an event that her parents and her ex-boyfriend planned to attend. Fuck.

“Fuck, Yeojoo, what if it goes wrong?” she muttered, finishing the tart. “I’ve never done anything like this before.”

“But you wanted him to leave you alone and this is the perfect weapon. It’s a paid service and I just gave it to you as a present, no need to thank me it’s super cheap.” Laughing loudly, Yeojoo started describing situations and how Mark would react. Somehow, the perspective of seeing that piece of shit being at a loss for words or unable to talk to her made it quite intriguing.

_Spending an evening with a stranger who just smiles and shuts up instead of having that asshole follow you around is definitely the better choice._

“Let’s hope it doesn’t backfire.”

_

_What are you even doing, woman?_

Wonhee buttoned up her black Prada dress, trying not to rip the thin lace at the chest and glared at herself from under her black bangs. Her mom would probably joke that she looked a bit sad for a charity event, but it was about fundraising projects for children diagnosed with cancer, of course it was sad.

_And your best friend bought you a guy for the evening. Who would've thought that you would find yourself in this kind of situation?_

"Now you're buying men, Wonhee. Buying a man to get rid of another man."

She pointed her finger at her own reflection in the mirror and sighed. Talking to herself wasn't going to help her now that she had gotten the confirmation on her phone and the guy's estimated time of arrival which was in ten minutes.

_Ten minutes to calm down is too little._

Her best friend had been reckless, simply writing down her home address as a pick up point, but now there was nothing she could do because she couldn't change it anymore.

Wonhee dared another glance in the mirror, checking her makeup, the way her hair fell on her forehead and putting more blush on her cheeks because she looked so pale.

_You can't look like shit. He'll think he has that impact on you. He doesn't. He ain't shit._

Showing her reflection a middle finger, Wonhee took her tiny bag from the bed and quickly walked to the hallway, slipping into the Opyum D'Orsay's that she hated with her whole heart and taking the car key. She wondered if the guy could drive and would drive her back home if she got drunk.

_Are you dumb?_

Sometimes. But today was definitely that sometimes and she felt like drinking because it was sad that children with cancer had to rely on people like her and her family who preferred to meet other rich people in a location that probably cost enough to hire a scientist who worked on cancer research for a year instead of just giving it to those kids and she was sad because the piece of shit that was her ex boyfriend made her go as far as to hire a person to accompany her.

_What an evening._

Just when the thought came, her bell rang and she inhaled deeply, slapping her cheeks twice and trying not to break her neck in those shoes as she walked towards the elevator with the car keys in her hand.

_He probably looks completely different, so don't look shocked. You know how those soft photoshopped and hard photoshopped people look in real life. He's only here so you don't have to talk to that shit sausage._

She was still nervous when the elevator doors opened and she briefly stopped in the lobby to look around, searching for anybody who could've been the person in question.

Her eyes travelled over the elderly man in a suit sitting on one of the couches arranged downstairs before moving on. The man was always sitting there and Wonhee wondered whether he put on the suit for the sole purpose of occupying that couch. One other woman was present, smiling at a tall man who held open the door for her as she left the lobby before he entered himself.

Only when long fingers brushed through almost shoulder length black hair and plump lips moved in what must have been a bit of small talk towards the woman leaving, did Wonhee realise that this was the man she had been looking out for.

Holy shit.

The picture hadn't been photoshopped and the longer she looked at the soft features, the long delicate neck, the big brown eyes and the plump mouth, the more she felt like the picture hadn't done the person any justice in the first place. He was handsome, maybe even more beautiful than handsome and the white suit he wore only accentuated it. Wonhee couldn't tell what brand it was, but the fabric looked high end and so did the cut that seemed to be perfect for the slim and long body. A pair of silver cufflinks caught her attention, adding to the polished look that the man at the door seemed to pull off so easily.

Despite the model-like appearance and brief smile that was directed at her leaving neighbour, a hint of shyness spread over the man's face as he looked around. He didn't know what Wonhee looked like, but her staring must have been obvious as big brown eyes met her own and a smile spread the man's lips.

Stepping aside for another neighbour that wanted to leave the building, the gorgeous man walked towards her, arriving after a few steps.

"You must be Wonhee," he remarked before glancing to the side shyly and brushing his fingers through his long, black hair. It took only a few seconds for the shyness to make way for direct eye contact and an equally gorgeous hand that was stretched out towards her. Everything seemed to be gorgeous about this man. "Is it okay if I say Wonhee? I'm Hyungwon."

_His voice sounds like forest._

"Ah-," she murmured, aware that she's been staring like a creep and didn't say a single word. "Yeah, I'm Wonhee. Nice- uhm, nice to meet you."

_He probably thinks you're verbally impaired. You shaken bitch._

"Sorry, I was a bit unsure where to look for you, but here you are. I guess. Let's go. My car is outside." She paid extra attention to her walk because she really didn't want to kiss the pavement in front of this guy or literally any other guy.

_How can anybody look like that though?_

Wonhee glanced at the man who was called Hyungwon, trying to make out some typical plastic surgery scars, but there were none. Must've been too well done.

"It's my first time doing stuff like this, so I'm not familiar with how it works. Could you brief me?" she asked with a smile and unlocked the car that greeted her with an overdone light show. An extra that her dad added for her to find the thing in big parking lots. It was embarrassing.

Hyungwon merely hummed and opened the door for her in a quick motion of his hand. It seemed like he was used to doing it and the action didn't require any thought or additional effort. Only when she sat down and the other man walked all the way around to sit in the passenger seat did he fill the car with his dark, low forest voice.

_So calming._

"Of course. Most people that book me aren't too familiar with the way this works." Hyungwon chuckled and leaned back against the car seat, playing with his hands. "Usually you decide the specifics while you book, but since you wrote 'will discuss in person' I assumed that you weren't too sure."

_You weren't involved and in the middle of eating cake instead of thinking._

The guy glanced outside and examined other cars for a bit as he looked for the right words. Wonhee couldn't help but wonder how many of the gestures and expressions came with the job and how many were genuine.

_He must be a professional._

"Basically… there are a few basic rules like no skinship unless there is something we agreed on beforehand, for example holding hands or a brief hug or an arm around your shoulder. This is the case from both sides, so neither I can break that agreement nor you. If I do something that we didn't agree upon or you feel unsafe there is a number you can call. You can find it in the confirmation email. Another thing we need to agree on is how communicative you would like me to be. If it's merely being next to you without talking, then that is how I will behave. If you want me to interact and socialise that is also possible. Whichever you prefer. Most of the other rules should have also been attached to the confirmation email. Is there a particular way in which you want me to behave at this event? What type of event is it?"

Somewhere half way through Wonhee wasn't sure if it really mattered what Hyungwon was saying, as long as he kept doing it.

"Uhm… It's a charity event at the Residence. My parents will be there and…" Wonhee inhaled and thought about how genuine she should be with some guy who Yeojoo paid to accompany her. "And I would like you to be communicative I guess, so other people don't want to talk to me because they think they'd interrupt. Does that make sense? I mean, I'm kind of boring so don't expect any interesting stuff I guess. I don't need skinship either. It's- my friend helped me out and my main goal is to keep some people away from me." She turned the engine on and turned towards Hyungwon, wrapping one arm around the passenger seat to pull back and not accidentally hit anybody or anything. The car had a camera, but she couldn't rely on it.

"You probably think that you're boring because you know yourself. I don't, so I'm sure we'll find something to talk about. I'm good at filling silences, so you can trust me there. Can we agree on a signal for when we encounter somebody you definitely don't want to talk to? I could also rely on your body language, but it might be safer to have something agreed upon." Hyungwon observed her driving as he spoke, a small smile on his lips. He seemed nice enough, even if Wonhee couldn't tell if he was acting or not. "Also, how familiar with each other would you like us to be?"

"How comfortable are you with random strangers acting as if you're close?" Wonhee grinned and turned right into a traffic jam. "What a fucking blessing."

"Welcome to driving in Munich." Hyungwon chuckled at her comment and shrugged. "I guess I'm used to it by now. Usually people who book say that I'm a friend they are taking along or an acquaintance. Anything along those lines is fine."

_Great._

"Okay, got it. I'm not the incredibly social type, but I'll try my best at acting today." Rocking her fake smile, Wonhee honked at a BMW that pulled into the safe distance that she kept between her and another car. "There's a guy I really don't want to talk to, but who will most definitely try to talk to me. I'm sorry in advance. I hope you have a fleeting memory, easily forgetting all the things you hear at work."

“Thank you for being so concerned about me.” Hyungwon kept smiling and it looked genuine as it was accompanied by another gesture of fingers brushing through the black strands. “I’m glad you said that, because now I know who you really don’t want to talk to. I’ll do my best to make sure he won’t bother you.”

"I can't imagine doing that. I couldn't be nice to everyone. Do you decline customers sometimes?" she asked and thought for a second before taking a shortcut, barely fitting through the narrow street with the gigantic car.

Hyungwon seemed to think about that, humming briefly before he leaned back and glanced in her direction. His face was a little distracting, but luckily she was a good driver.

"That depends on my current finances. Usually I don't, because most customers know what the service is for and book it accordingly. I only denied somebody who made me uncomfortable before and several customers that misunderstood the purpose of the service." Wonhee really enjoyed it when Hyungwon talked. There was something calming to it, as if the timbre was just right, perfect to feel at ease. Having the forest talk to her for the next five hours might actually make the evening bearable.

"I was a little shaken because it was so cheap. And because of your face. I thought they photoshopped you." Grinning, she took the last turn before it disappeared at the sight of the folks at the entrance and the valet parking service, fake smiles and nods. Ew.

"Mmh, cheap," Hyungwon hummed, but Wonhee had already begun thinking about how she was going to get through this.

"So... we're here. Ah, are you okay with pretentious arm hooking? If not, it's okay too. And people will take photos."

"That's fine." Hyungwon looked around, probably to get a feeling for the kind of crowd he was about to deal with. "What is this charity event for? They don't say it anywhere apart from plastering the sponsors on huge signs."

_Yeah. Because it's about the signs._

"Ah. For children who are diagnosed with cancer," she murmured and sighed, glancing at the biggest logo, namely that of her father's company hanging over the entrance. There was a reason for not keeping any acquaintances apart from Yeojoo. "I'm still not sure how this is going to work, but please feel free to remind me if I'm not aware of any rules." Wonhee turned off the engine and gave her key to a guy from valet parking who opened the door for her and nodded before she walked around and waited for Hyungwon to leave. They must've looked perfect. Black and white.

Hyungwon was quick to follow suit and held out his arm. A mesmerising smile changed his features, just right for photos but Wonhee assumed that it was intentional.

"If you accidentally break the rules, I'll let you know," the tall man remarked and led her towards the entrance of the palace. Despite her high heels, Hyungwon was taller. "I'm sure those children are thankful for this lavish event in their name that they weren't invited to."

_He's right, but he would be surprised that this kind of stuff is the nice side._

It was the first time that her companion had said something sarcastic instead of being plain friendly and smiling that bashful smile of his.

As so often, she felt ashamed, but the numbness immediately followed. She knew it. Of course she did. But she also never tried to get rid of it. She got it, spent the money, took the advantages and went to the stupid events, so what was the point in acting out revolution when there was none and would never be.

"I don't know whether they are or not. Never seen an ill child before," she commented, making sure not to touch the man next to her too much without looking suspicious. Cameras flashed a few times and her head hurt, but she smiled as usual, hoping that her parents would be satisfied and leave her alone for another few weeks at least.

_Because you'll still go as soon as they ask you to._

When they walked past the photographers, she put some distance between them and pointed at a waiter who rushed towards them with a tray full of champagne glasses. "Can you drive? I didn't read the email in detail."

"I can. Feel free to drink." Hyungwon reached for two glasses, one of them with juice, and handed her the one with champagne. He looked like he knew how to behave with the exception of being overly friendly to the waiter, thanking him for his efforts. "How many people do you know here, Wonhee?"

_Know, or have seen before?_

"Let's say I've seen some of them before, but I only know my parents and that guy I'd like to have killed."

"The part about wanting to avoid him escalated rather quickly." Hyungwon laughed and took a sip of his drink as he looked around without being too obvious. "Which one is he?"

Wonhee emptied the glass in a few gulps and put it back on the tray before taking another one. She needed the burning in her stomach before she turned around and let her gaze travel over couples dressed in expensive suits and overdone dresses, over the buffet that would open soon before it stopped on a familiar broad back and short blonde hair.

"That shit head there," she muttered and nodded in the direction before the said shit head turned around and caught her gaze. Why was she always so unlucky?

_Now he'll think you wanted his attention. Great._

"He's definitely preoccupied with you," Hyungwon remarked and glanced in the direction too, grinning at her ex-boyfriend briefly before holding out his arm and gesturing towards one of the exhibits that she couldn't give less of a shit about. "I think this is a good moment to make an escape and do as you wished, namely seem overly busy. Tell me, how did you come across our service? It's not very well known."

She couldn't think clearly for a few seconds, but as soon as her thoughts started to make sense, she turned away from the buffet and simply stared at Hyungwon's face instead. Damn, this human was so fucking beautiful.

"Uuuuuhm…" she started, blinking a few times and lifting the glass to her lips to earn a few additional seconds to reply. "My friend did. I only told her that I want to perish and she suggested booking somebody at your company and trying to get through the evening. That's the reason you're stuck with a bunch of rich people drinking champagne, but I think she booked you for five hours, right? It'll be over in two and I just need you to drive me home, that's it."

Hyungwon shifted his arm and only when he did, Wonhee realised that he was expecting her to take it and walk towards an exhibit instead of spacing out the way she had. "I hope this is a better alternative than perishing," the black-haired man remarked with a grin and she unnecessarily observed the way his long hair fell over his neck and how the fingers of his right hand held onto the glass of juice. "Don't worry, I can drive you. Simply take the time that you need and you'll get the hours refunded that weren't necessary. Would you like to have a snack or wait until that gentleman you despise leaves the buffet?"

_Why would you stare at him like a hungry hyena? He must be so uncomfortable._

"Sorry for staring. He'll come anyway, just watch. He's not a gentleman. He's a manipulative pile of shit."

Unfortunately, she didn't have a single second to prepare as her mother's face appeared out of nowhere, joined by the emotionless smile that made her feel as if her retinas were coming off if she observed it longer than necessary.

"Wonhee, my sunshine. Why do I only see you at charity events? One might think I don't have a daughter." A pretentious laugh followed and she lifted one mouth corner. "I thought you were here with Mark. He told me you two made up."

_He deserves to die._

"Well, he's lying. I'm here with someone else. With Hyungwon," she muttered and gestured at the black-haired angel-like human being that didn't deserve to be stared at, but still her mother stared too.

_You had a bad feeling about it, why not listen to it for once?_

"Oh. Hyungwon, you say? Nice to meet you, Hyungwon."

_Why does she look so confused?_

Instead of being intimidated as he probably should have, Hyungwon smiled one of those bashful smiles. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Lee. I'm grateful to be able to partake in an event for such a great cause."

Those words had to be bullshit after Hyungwon's previous comment, but somehow he managed to pull it off in such a way that he seemed dead serious.

_A professional indeed._

"Wait for the music and the food. It's delicious. Have you tried the truffle oysters? You should before Wonhee eats them all." Her mother laughed and she felt the need to go to the finger buffet and really eat them fucking all including the people standing around.

"I doubt that Wonhee can keep up with me when it comes to anything relating to oysters. We were just about to try the buffet. I hope you don't mind if we excuse ourselves." Again Hyungwon smiled one of those smiles and reached around her, hand close to her lower back without actually touching her.

The gesture was so nice until she realized that it was a service, something that she paid for. She had paid for somebody to treat her like a human being.

_That's why you need the money._

She smiled and nodded at her mother before going along with the tall angel-like man with a forest voice who was wearing a white suit and kept one arm close to her without making her feel uncomfortable or invoking the desire to run away to a place that was safe. A place without people.

"I didn't think you would come," the voice that made her shiver in disgust entered her consciousness and she froze in place, accidentally leaning against Hyungwon's arm.

_You know that skinship is taboo, what are you doing?_

"I'll use the restroom and will be right back," she muttered and glanced up, finding the closest one and walking towards it as quickly as she could without face planting on the pretty wooden floors with her ridiculous shoes.

_Those aren't made to run away. They're made to sit and let it happen._

***

Golden ornaments decorated the ceiling, surrounding old oil paintings that had colours as bright as the clothes on the people surrounding him. People that stood next to tall tables and twirled the champagne in their glasses while smiling fake smiles.

_You’ve seen it before._

Hyungwon dared a brief glance at the ceiling, examining the painted figures, biblical elements and a bunch of angels with halos above their heads. Looking at those apparently holy beings, he couldn’t help but wonder if Munich’s extravaganza felt similar, standing in this hall in their expensive dresses and designer shoes, celebrating the fact that they have given an insignificant amount of their wealth towards a good cause.

_For the cause the money is tremendous, but for them it is still insignificant, isn’t it?_

The setting was obvious, the pointless conversation clear. Even the broad-shouldered man at the buffet, sending him constant glances of contempt, was obvious and Hyungwon couldn’t help a tiny hint of gratefulness at that fact. It meant that he was being considered competition, actual competition. But one little thing seemed to stick out somehow and for once it wasn't him.

_It’s her though. She fits into the setting, but somehow also doesn’t._

Wonhee Lee, the woman that had hired him for this particular event, most likely to annoy the man at the buffet, was everything that she was supposed to be at an event like that. She was obviously rich, lived in an apartment complex that was worth more than Hyungwon would probably make in his entire life and wore designer clothes like everybody else around them. But that wasn’t all.

_She doesn’t seem as spoiled somehow, insecure about what you are meant to do, about whether it was okay to hire you and about how to act around that man that she wanted to avoid at all costs._

Hyungwon had been to such events a few times, even if they hadn’t been as posh as the one he was attending right this instant. He hadn’t been sure about the exact value, but looking at the amount of ridiculously expensive suits, he was glad that he wore one of his better ones. He fit right in with the jewellery around his neck, fingers, the watch on his wrist and his cufflinks. They were no name, but that was the thing about designer clothes. There was nothing special about them apart from the fact that the fabric was nice and a designer most likely pissed on it.

Wonhee’s mother was more of an example of the people Hyungwon had expected, more so than Wonhee herself and Hyungwon slipped right into his role of 'member of the upper class'. Somebody who felt great about pointless contributions, bragged about the things his family had done for society and ate food that most people probably didn’t know about and also didn’t care enough to spell properly. His eyes were repeatedly glancing in the direction of Wonhee’s elegant but most definitely uncomfortable high heels and he couldn’t turn off the expectation that the black-haired woman was going to stumble and fall. He really didn’t want that to happen.

_She will hate herself so much, especially if it happens next to a person she detests._

Hyungwon had a few hypotheses about the man at the buffet, the man who once again threw him a provoking glance before making his way towards them. He seemed to be somebody who had been close to Wonhee before. Either that or somebody who assumed interest where there was none.

_There are far too many of those around._

“I didn’t think you would come,” the man that Wonhee most definitely didn’t want to talk to spoke right next to the poor woman, forcing her to freeze in place and thereby brush over his fingers. Her back was warm and Hyungwon pulled back just enough to give her the space she needed, eyes focusing on the man right in front of them and preparing his next words. His task for the night was clear and it included getting rid of this man, or at least keeping him as far away from his client as possible.

Wonhee didn’t give him the chance as she handled it herself, quickly muttering that she needed to go to the restroom. She didn’t give either him or the bulky man in front of him the opportunity to reply as she hurried in the direction of the closest one, almost stumbling in her high heels but catching herself right in time.

“I’m sorry, but she planned on going to the restroom for a while. This must have been a good opportunity,” he remarked, excusing Wonhee but without nullifying the fact that she left because of the man who was blatantly staring after her. “I’m Hyungwon,” he commented with a smile and stretched out his hand, expecting the guy to squeeze it painfully for no reason.

"I see. She's probably running away to make me come after her. She keeps doing that," the blonde man commented, ignored his outstretched hand and calmly walked after Wonhee, who disappeared behind one of the wooden doors.

_What an utter asshole._

“I doubt that very much,” he continued, easily catching up with the man who was about to wait in front of a woman’s restroom like a fucking creep. Hyungwon was trying to be civil, but he had the feeling the wall was a little too thick to let any reasonable thought penetrate. “I’m even pretty sure that you were the last person she wanted to see.”

_He doesn’t seem to get it._

"How would you know? Did she tell you? Are you her one gay friend or something? Wouldn't surprise me, she isn't friends with normal people. Does she even have friends apart from Yeojoo? I don't think she does." Brushing his hair back, the shit head, as Wonhee fittingly described the man, grinned and stepped forward, right when the black-haired woman was about to leave the restroom. Hyungwon couldn’t remember the last time his blood began to boil the way it did right that instant, forcing something resembling electricity through his fingers, but he successfully contained the urge to curl them into fists. He was as calm as the fucking sea. "Is that you trying to play hide and seek? I don't think you need to. Just come back and stop acting up, this is getting ridiculous."

_He must be fucking stupid or blind. Hide and seek looks different._

The woman's round eyes widened and she gasped in surprise, before her gaze narrowed and she glanced down at her shoes. "Have you had your balls kicked with Yves Saint Laurent Opyum heels? Because if you don't fuck off right now, I'm going to give you that first experience."

Hyungwon couldn’t contain the way his eyebrows lifted, surprised that even though Wonhee had done her best to avoid the man in question, she wasn’t hesitating to tell him what she thought of him. Since the guy had seemed utterly oblivious to her desire to stay away, one might have thought the black-haired woman had hesitated to let him know openly. But this was much more than just obvious, this was almost inked onto the dude’s forehead.

_Why can’t he treat her like a decent human being? Why is it always situations like this one?_

"What? Is that what you like? You should've told me instead of acting up. Do you want to make a fuss? I don't think your parents will be happy about that. You're upsetting your friend too. Is it a boy or a girl, I couldn't tell at first."

_Fuck._

That got to him and Hyungwon really had to fight with the expressions on his face even though he knew that it was just talk, that it was another ignorant piece of shit. He was just about to speak out as well, to point out that it was utterly irrelevant as the main difference between them was that his company was welcome whereas the guy needed a decent lecture on respectful distance. He wanted to say all that, even adjusting his posture for his words, but the woman next to him was once again faster.

Wonhee inhaled and looked furious, before stepping in front of him and crossing her arms in front of her chest. She smelled like some flowery perfume, light but so good that he wanted to have more of that scent.

"He's my boyfriend, you disgusting fucker. And now fuck off," the short woman hissed, before turning around, grabbing his hand and pulling him towards the buffet while murmuring quietly.

_What?_

Hyungwon followed suit, a little overwhelmed by the short but delicate fingers wrapped around his palm as he tried to understand what exactly had just happened and how many rules the woman hurrying over to the buffet had just broken. After a few moments, he recognized that Wonhee was repeatedly saying 'I'm so sorry'.

_She must have been overwhelmed too, but this will have unforeseen consequences._

“That man seems unfamiliar with the concept of 'fuck off'," he remarked first, aware that Wonhee was probably feeling terrible enough because of the conversation with that dickhead. There was no need to guilt trip her for breaking the rules immediately. "We can talk about that later. Maybe you can show me a truffle oyster?"

_Not your smoothest attempt at distracting, but there weren't many situations to practise on, were there?_

"That person has no concept of treating others like human beings. And I'm so sorry, fuck. Would you like to leave?" Wonhee let go of his hand and clenched her small one into a fist. The rings must've been cutting into her fingers, but she still did. "I sincerely apologise for touching you and for saying that, I'm really sorry," she muttered, lifting the round, black eyes and meeting his gaze.

She looked sincere and Hyungwon knew that she was. It was easy to tell from her clenched fists and the sound of her voice. She was fighting to keep her composure because of where they were, but she was devastated.

_Devastated because she had to pull you into it and her previous words hadn't mattered at all._

Hyungwon hummed and shook his head, lifting his right hand to Wonhee's lower back without really touching her. At first he thought of taking her hand to keep her from hurting herself with those rings, but they hadn't agreed on it beforehand and there was no good reason for him to break the rules.

_Whereas it was helplessness for her._

"It's fine, he was being really obnoxious and didn't listen to a single word you said," Hyungwon murmured and tried to lead Wonhee a little further away from the crowd. That guy was still watching them and she was going to feel even worse if she realised. He hadn't decided what to do about the whole boyfriend thing yet, but Wonhee could probably solve the misunderstanding eventually.

_If you left now that would only convince the guy that he has free reign. Even if a rule was broken you could never do that._

"We better have the time of our lives now. Eat delicious food and make him eat his own tongue. He definitely looked pissed when you said that, so I'd consider that a win on your side." He smiled and grabbed a glass of champagne from a waiter that walked past them. "Not much of an improvement, but champagne?"

"That's my main coping strategy, you would be surprised. Ah, and eating all those oysters like my mother said." Wonhee lifted her right hand and brushed a black lock behind her ear, glancing to the side as she spoke. "I hope that he dies a painful death. Apart from that, I'll take responsibility for breaking the rules, whatever that entails. I'm really sorry for pulling you into this and I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable. You can tell me if you would like to leave and we will."

_Helpless anger is such a terrible feeling. What a fucking asshole._

"It's fine," Hyungwon repeated without really thinking about it. The consequences were usually that one lost the right to book the service, but he wasn't in the mood to explain that to Wonhee right now. The black-haired woman had enough to deal with and he kept thinking about how to make it obvious that he was okay and didn't intend on leaving yet. "I'll let you know if I want to leave. However, I think you should ride the wave of your blunder and enjoy yourself. Don't let him think that he achieved something with his words. He's trying to make you feel terrible and come back to him just to stop him from treating you this way, but that's pathetic. He's got no real value that could be worth returning for. Let's eat those oysters, all of them if necessary."

_It's so easy to say this while trying to be unaffected by words, but doing it isn't that easy, is it?_

He grinned and dared to stretch out his hand, giving Wonhee the option to take it or not. They hadn't agreed on any skinship, but Hyungwon provided the opportunity to do so.

Wonhee stared at him with a blank expression on her round face before the curved mouth finally parted. "Oh my god. I must look terribly pathetic. You really don't have to do this, Hyungwon. You're an innocent guy who got pulled into this clusterfuck because I can't say no when my parents ask me for something." Looking down at his hand, she smiled. "But your hand was warm and soft. It was kind of calming even if I'm an asshole for doing that."

Hyungwon glanced to the side, feeling his face heat up and wondered whether he had just ruined his professionalism by getting bashful because a client described holding his hand as warm and calming.

_You're fucking hopeless._

"Well-" he muttered before his speech returned to sounding halfway composed. "I'm definitely innocent since I've never eaten a truffle oyster before. So… show me?"

Wonhee smiled and lifted her hand, stopping right over his for a few seconds before pulling it back. It was similar to how he had held his arm around her lower back. "Do you like eating?" she asked when they started walking towards the buffet.

"I do," he replied and looked at some of the delicacies on the tables. They weren't even all that crowded considering that it was free food. "But I think I like cooking even more."

_Does this even count as small talk? She'll think you're trying to fit in somehow._

"Really? I like eating more than cooking, but I do like baking. It's calming and one gets cake in the end. Best relationship I've ever had."

"Definitely doesn't disappoint," he remarked and chuckled, thinking of the last time he did anything that got close to baking. "Buttercream could never harm you, unless you're diabetic and have high cholesterol I guess."

_God, what if she thinks you're telling her she has one of those things._

Somehow the conversation had gotten a little less superficial and Hyungwon realised it was because Wonhee had asked a question he wasn't prepared for. He rarely talked about food at such events. Usually it was designer clothes, bags, his job, whether he’d had plastic surgery and finally to not lie about that and give them the contact details of the surgeon.

_They'd be surprised._

"I made a buttercream cake once," he tried to save himself, remembering the wedding cake. "It was for a nice occasion, a wedding and it had the form of a shoe. Despite being kind of disturbing it was delicious in the end."

"Sounds delicious. I hope it wasn't a high heel. Those are the worst." Taking two plates, Wonhee handed him one and started putting all kinds of foods on the plate before giving him the full one and doing the same with the empty one. "Those are the only things that taste good here. The rest are just exquisite and expensive but taste like horse butt."

“You must be oddly familiar with that taste.” He chuckled before glancing at some of the other people and copying their slow but careful attempts to stuff food inside their mouths. It looked a little ridiculous since they bit off pieces so tiny, Hyungwon doubted they could taste any of it. The whole point was to combine the ingredients. “I think-”

He took another look at the different types of food on Wonhee’s plate and finally decided for a good mixture. The salad he had placed inside his mouth was missing something, but the peach coloured cream that was meant for bread seemed to have just the right texture for it. “I think it might be even better if you add that cream to the salad.”

"Oh, really?" The black-haired woman took both pieces of finger food and placed them into her mouth, chewing and trying not to laugh because it was too much for a single bite.

Hyungwon couldn’t help a smile and held out his hand, making sure that he was able to catch it if some went past the woman’s pink lips. It must have been a lipstick, but Hyungwon liked the colour, it fit her complexion and the faint rouge on her cheeks. “Do you like it?”

"Yes, it's perfect. But what's worse, getting touched even though it's against the rules or having a stranger spit salad into your hands?"

_She’s funny, different from what you expected._

“Good question.” He laughed and pulled his hand back as Wonhee had successfully swallowed everything. “Spitting into my hands is not against the rules. Maybe they will have to add it.”

"Fact is, I can fit a whole piece of Snickers tart into my mouth and that's almost the size of a tiny Prada bag, which is remarkable." Suddenly, the woman grinned, letting her lips spread widely and mouth corners curving prettily. "That was too much information, but I thought as we were talking about spitting into hands and all…"

“I can fit two whole fried chicken drumsticks into my mouth, so you have just entered my area of expertise,” he replied, still smiling and hoping that Wonhee wouldn’t feel weird for sharing that particular information. It was kind of cute actually, Hyungwon could imagine the curved lips covered in chocolate as the tart disappeared. Those were delicious.

"How old are you actually?" Wonhee tilted her head and observed him, his face, gaze jumping from his eyes to his lips and back.

_Either she's like you and imagining those drumsticks or she finds you handsome._

To be fair, Hyungwon considered Wonhee beautiful in return, but he was also a little hopeless because he seemed to consider everybody beautiful in their own way. He couldn't be sure in which cases it was just him and in which it was objective beauty. Wonhee had a lot of things speaking for her. Hyungwon liked the shape of her eyes and lips, her curvy body, the way she smiled and the confidence with which she seemed to move in those high heels of hers.

_She asked you a question._

"I'm sorry, I got distracted. Could you ask me again?" he muttered, a little embarrassed because he was being crappy company.

Instead of grinning playfully, Wonhee smiled and it looked genuine this time. Her round eyes transformed into crescents and her mouth corners curled up, making him want to smile in return.

"I asked how old you are. I can't really tell. But two drumsticks? Really?"

"Yeah," he replied and gave in, smiling back as his right hand reached out for his hair all by itself and raked through it. "I'm twenty-five. How about you?"

"Oh, me too! But I can't fit two drumsticks into my mouth. I need to step up my game according to my age." Wonhee took her glass and emptied it before glancing at the plate. "You haven't tried the oysters. They did their best and it wouldn't be fair if there were leftovers." Curling her thumb and index finger around the dough with the oyster inside, his client lifted the piece of food and stopped right next to his lips.

The heat that travelled up to his cheeks was instant and Hyungwon found himself staring right into the pretty woman's round eyes and realising once again that he was fucking hopeless.

_It's just an oyster._

He licked over his lips briefly and was suddenly painfully aware of that douchebag still watching them from the side. Most likely this was only confirming Wonhee's words towards him, but at the same time it was also just an oyster and not a grand gesture or anything. Hyungwon was merely being hopeless again, hopelessly affected by the smallest of things.

Smiling just a bit to not be awkward, he closed his lips around the truffle oyster as quickly as he was able to and chewed with about three times the speed the fancy people around them used. It felt like everybody was watching them, even if it was only that dickhead, but it made Hyungwon a little nervous somehow. As if he was being obvious about something.

"Tasty, right? Or did you just say that you want to try it because I looked crushed?" Chewing the lipstick from her bottom lip, Wonhee took an oyster and placed it into her mouth, chewing on it absentmindedly. Hyungwon wanted to cheer her up somehow, make her feel better and forget all about that asshole.

_But you're just here for a job and don't know enough. You can try, but there's no telling if it will work._

"I think it's a bit of both," he replied truthfully and ignored the eyes that he felt staring holes into his side. That guy was really bad at giving up. "Do you feel better? We could try some other things too. I'm only familiar with about half of this and these are only the snacks. There's still dessert, right?"

"Yeah, it's on the other side but it's literally just sitting there because the folks here don't eat. And I'm a weirdo, I keep forgetting that it's your job. You must really be good at this!"

_Or you keep blushing like an idiot and confusing her._

"I'm sorry, I'm probably being unprofessional," he remarked and brushed through his hair again, realizing another pair of eyes. He was always so conscious of people staring. "Let's just take our plates along since you already showed me all the good stuff and maybe you can do the same with the desserts. Your mom is looking, do we pretend that we don't know or would you like me to react?"

"No… No. You're being so professional that I almost forgot that it's your job. I'm the weirdo, I told you. Don't worry." Wonhee quickly put another oyster into her mouth before taking a new plate and walking to the other side where she loaded them with various cakes, macarons, a glass of champagne for herself and a plum juice for him.

Hyungwon took a sip and enjoyed the sweetness as he observed Wonhee and the way she worked her way through the different sweets. It was nice to watch somehow because she seemed to enjoy the different foods, textures and flavours. He couldn't even keep up, too mesmerised by watching her.

"Will there actually be any talks or just food?" he asked once he finally remembered how to talk and that they were at a charity event and not at a restaurant. The crowd shouldn't have let him forget, but his conversations with Wonhee had caught him off guard.

_If this wasn't the main source of your human interaction you might have forgotten you're working._

"Yeah, but I wanted to leave before that because there's a limit to my masochism. You really don't want to listen either, believe me. My plan had been actually to drink enough champagne to not accidentally kill the blonde scrotum face, to eat some oysters and macarons and to drive home. I thought that I was crazy for thinking about asking you to drive me home, but it would be really awesome if you did."

_She's so genuine, not overly pretentious at all._

The last time Hyungwon drove a client home it was with the excuse that he probably wanted to drive a car like that at least once in his life. To be honest, he didn't really care about cars, but he cared about the fact that Wonhee seemed to be feeling much better than a while ago. It meant he was probably doing a good job at making her feel comfortable.

_She said your hands are calming._

"I… think you're doing pretty amazing then considering that you didn't accidentally kill him, ate all those delicious things and I'll be driving you home. Just enjoy yourself and as soon as you want to leave, we'll be on our way." He smiled and ate a pink macaron, loving the taste of strawberry. It was addicting.

"You're too nice. I wanted to leave two hours ago, before we came. I guess I…" Wonhee stopped in the middle of a sentence and stared past him, clenching her jaw.

_She saw that he's watching. He must be making her so miserable._

Hyungwon was glad that she only realised now and stepped closer, hand hovering above her lower back. "Shall we say goodbye to your parents then and leave, or is it alright to just leave like this? Whatever you wish we'll do."

Wonhee nodded but he wasn't sure what she was agreeing to do as the dark eyes stayed focused and it seemed as if the woman's body was frozen in place.

"Hey," he whispered and chewed on his cheek briefly as he stepped into Wonhee's field of vision, meeting her round eyes. Hyungwon didn't like how it felt to fight for her attention, but it wasn't the first time he felt this way, so he tried to swallow it down like a badly made stew. "Don't give him attention that he doesn't deserve, Wonhee. He'll only lie to himself that he's got you caught in his fist, but he doesn't. Do you hear me?"

"I do. Your voice sounds like the forest. I really like that." Wonhee let her eyes flutter shut and licked a few pink crumbles from her lips, keeping her body in place on those heels. It was remarkable.

"And you smell like flowers in full bloom," he whispered, suddenly aware how close he was standing to have the woman's attention. It made him nervous but he didn't step back, letting the seconds tick by in the hope that she would forget the bitterness and hurt she felt when she saw that asshole.

"Really? That sounds nice. Like it's pleasant to be close and enjoy the scent. I'm shamelessly using your forest voice to calm down. I'm sorry for saying that your fee was cheap. I know It's not." The round eyes opened after a few moments and Wonhee looked up at him. "I'm sorry that it wasn't easy today."

The words were even more genuine than before and Hyungwon swallowed, wondering if the additional glasses of champagne were the reason Wonhee relaxed around him like that. It made him feel hot even though he should have been even more composed because it meant she was vulnerable.

"I'm enjoying your company, I mean it," he replied and inhaled through his nose, feeling like the sound was unnecessarily loud. He knew that the woman in front of him was staring at him, so she didn't have to look at the man who kept hurting her, but still there was so much attention on him, on his face, the single features.

_She seems to really look at you._

"Let's leave, Wonhee," he spoke softly, hoping to still be as calming as the black-haired woman described it. Nibbling on his bottom lip, he raised his right hand, offering her to take it.

"I'm contemplating on how much of an asshole I would be if I just took your hand, selfishly thinking how warm and soft it is. On a scale from zero to ten, what do you think?"

_Does alcohol make her more truthful or more affectionate?_

"Zero," he replied with a smile, curling his fingers once in invitation. "I'm offering after all."

"Ten. Because I'm doing it even though I know that I shouldn't," Wonhee whispered, glancing at his hand and carefully wrapping her delicate fingers around his big palm one by one.

Hyungwon barely held in a gasp even though Wonhee had touched his hand before, had even grabbed it with more vigour than this. Still it felt different, maybe because she wasn't burning with fury as she did it. The woman in front of him was perfectly aware of his invitation and considered herself selfish for accepting it.

He inhaled the scent of blooming cherry blossoms, followed by lilac and focused on the sensation, on whether it was as warm as Wonhee described it, small fingers holding onto his own long ones. Probably it was ridiculous to everybody else, but it felt special to him.

_Because she wants to, she's holding your hand because she wants to._

"Is it… as warm and soft as you remember?" he asked quietly, voice no more than a whisper because he felt so nervous. It wasn't even an answer that mattered, but still his heart was hammering in his chest.

Wonhee shook her head before slowly lifting her gaze from their hands to his face, round eyes attentive and meeting his. "No. It's so much better. It's perfect."

Finally wrapping his own fingers around the delicate hand, Hyungwon nodded as his thumb brushed over the space between Wonhee's thumb and index finger.

"It is," he whispered and felt like he couldn't move a single step away, frozen in place with a hand so warm it made him dizzy wrapped around his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 10th of August at 2 PM CET.  
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
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> Thank you so much for reading us. We love you


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 12th of August at 2 PM CET.  
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
> (Drop us a message there so we can accept your follow, we won't accept without a message =))  
> [SMUTSIS Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/smut_sis/)  
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> Thank you so much for reading us. We love you

CHAPTER 2

It seemed as if the sun was only shining through the big windows to cook her alive. There was nothing soft about it, nothing like the romanticised descriptions of being woken up by the rays of sunshine stroking over skin. It was straight out burning, cooking her in the black Prada dress that was sticking to her skin because she hadn't taken it off.

_But why?_

Her head felt like a city after a tsunami. There was literally nothing left that could be defined as clear thoughts, only some broken off pieces of the evening before, spread out all over the place and making no sense whatsoever.

_The evening before._

Sitting up as if burned, even though she really felt burned, Wonhee stared straight ahead before examining her body, whether everything was still there.

_He drove you home after… after all that._

Somehow it seemed like every single encounter with a man ended up being a page in the long and sad book of her wretchedness. It wasn’t enough that a stranger, a man she ‘booked’ to accompany her had to see how she was humiliated by that epitome of shitheadedness, no, she of course had to make it worse by acting out a drama, saying that the poor guy was her boyfriend and evoking so much pity that he ended up holding her hand.

_He held your hand. You were so needy because of a man who treated you like a human, that you made him hold your hand even though touching wasn't part of the deal. Wonhee, how much lower do you want to sink?_

Maybe it wasn’t far until the hell pit and she could just stay there. It would be safer than whatever she might have done next.

_Poor guy._

Suddenly, she felt so sorry. Remembering the soft features, how Hyungwon looked a bit shaken at her antics, probably because she was eating like a pig, cursing and staring without any proper reason. Hyungwon hadn't reported her for breaking the rules and he also hadn't used the way she felt to make her feel even worse. He was being professional and nice. For money.

_Still nice._

She must’ve fallen asleep in the car because she wasn’t able to remember that part, only the shy-looking smile before she stumbled back into her apartment building murmuring how sorry she was and…

_And how his hand was the best thing that happened to you. Really, Wonhee? Really? God._

She groaned and started furiously unbuttoning her dress, button after button, before taking off her bra and slip and walking through the hallway that seemed like a fucking pilgrimage before she could step right into the shower to preferably get rid of every single thought.

_Why were you so deeply influenced by a stranger being nice to you? Why? Is it that bad? You’re a hypocrite, saying how you hate men, just to melt into a puddle because a man you paid to be nice to you, offered to hold your hand. He probably wanted to prevent you from crying in public. Poor guy._

_You need to forget about this. Quickly._

Wonhee shampooed her hair and her body, scrubbing and enjoying the feeling of hot water against her skin. The shower was still her favourite place because it took away the feeling of disgust that she felt once in a while.

_You're never sure if it's you or what's around you._

People made mistakes and she has made the mistake of pulling an innocent person into this instead of simply screwing the Yves Saint Laurent heel into Mark’s crotch like she should have.

_Great. And now you want to kill him again._

The wish to somehow make that pile of shit feel bad was imminent and strong, and only after she left the shower, dried her hair with a towel and glanced at her phone, did the thought move to the background.

_What?_

First thing she saw were eighteen missed calls from Yeojoo and two messages from her mother, asking her if she had gotten home well and another one that made no sense whatsoever.

‘You should’ve told me that you have a new boyfriend. The pictures turned out pretty. What is his occupation and how long have you been seeing each other?’

_What boyfriend?_

Wonhee was a bit scared to click on the WhatsApp conversation with Yeojoo, but still did, finding a bunch of pictures, curses and links, some voice messages and the mentioned eighteen calls. Overwhelmed by the content, she closed her eyes for a second before clicking on one of the pictures. She should’ve kept her eyes closed and her thoughts somewhere else. Definitely.

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck, Wonhee, fuck._

It was hard to tell what was worse, that the picture showed her in front of a gigantic plate full of various cakes, or that it captured the look on her face when she glanced at the tall black-haired person in white. Or maybe the worst part was how her fingers were wrapped around the big hand in a mixture of devastation and affection, how she looked like she was fucking in love.

_Yeah. That’s you looking in love with a stranger because he was nice to you. Great, Wonhee. Amazing. Fucking splendid, you sad bitch._

She groaned again and clicked on the next picture. This time it was him, looking back at her, eyes big and attentive and lips slightly parted. God, he looked like an angel, an actual angel, an angel who was only there because Yeojoo had paid him and because it was his job. A job that he was doing so incredibly well.

_Why are there pictures?_

Next she clicked on the link that was last, titled ‘Touching scene at the charity event. Car empire heiress reveals new boyfriend’.

_You need to perish. Right now._

She tried reading the first few sentences but got nauseous and closed the window before returning to the WhatsApp conversation.

_What are you supposed to do now?_

This was a shitshow. A shitshow for her and definitely a shitshow for the person who got pulled into this.

_You need to tell him to not talk to the press no matter what. He doesn’t know. And he’s probably having problems with his job too. Fuck. You need to call them._

Before she started cleaning up and somehow managing all this mess, her fingers automatically pressed the number one long enough for long sounds to sound in the speaker as she tried to calm herself down by breathing regularly until her best friend’s high voice caught her attention.

“Wonhee are you nuts? You’re all over the place. What the fuck happened?” Yeojoo asked. “I got calls from the agency and have been trying to reach you since eight in the morning.”

_You were pitying yourself when everybody else was handling the mess that you created._

“It- it’s a long story but I’ll take care of it. I’ll call the agency and say that it’s a misunderstanding and I’ll call him and say that I’m sorry and that he shouldn’t talk to the media and then…”

“And then? You won’t be able to solve this, Wonhee. You’re a story now and they will try to dig around if you don’t come out with an official statement they can use. You can’t say: ‘Ah, it’s a misunderstanding ‘cause it’s a guy I booked’. If it was a picture of you standing next to each other, okay, but you look like you’re getting married, you crazy bitch. What did your parents say?”

_Shit._

“Mom was mad that I didn’t tell her that I have a boyfriend and wanted me to tell her what he does for a living. Fuck my life. Why am I so dumb?”

“You're not dumb, you're reckless. Okay, before you tell me how the fuck you ended up looking at him like you were proposing and got a picture taken even though touching is taboo... I talked to my consultant about this and she said in a situation like this it’s best to play along and act as if you’re in a relationship. You’re not a figure of permanent public interest, so the media might lose interest pretty fast and then you just say that you parted ways but remained friends. Doesn’t have any impact on stocks and isn’t very risky either. You’d just… have to book him more often and shit your family for a bit, I guess. So the usual. And… he needs to agree, but it should be easy with enough cash.”

_What?_

“How am I supposed to force him to act as my boyfriend, Yeojoo? Didn’t he suffer enough? To be honest, he probably curses me, that event, his company, and the fact that he ever agreed on doing this. But I still… need to talk to him because it might backfire. Especially, if mom feels the need to get involved in this. Fuck, why is my life like this?” She put Yeojoo on speaker and threw the phone next to her mirror, trying to get her hair under control.

“You’re not forcing him. Call his company, tell them a fine sum and they’ll forward it to him. It’s his job and the opportunity to earn some more. This is just about money and you have more than enough of it. That’s why we’re lucky because we can solve problems with money when others can’t. It’s so convenient.”

_Bullshit._

“I’m going to try meeting him to talk this out and apologize once again. I hope that it will be okay without doing all those things you said. But thank you for trying to help me, really. I should’ve gone with my first instinct and risked a headline about kicking Mark in the nuts.”

“Well- to be honest, your family's stocks are doing pretty well after the announcement, so I guess your mom and dad are happy. Call me after you’ve talked to him. Need his number? Cause I got it in an email from the agency. I’ll send it to you. Keep me updated.”

_The stocks are doing well? Fucking great. Everything else shouldn’t matter, right?_

Wonhee didn’t want to talk to anybody and she didn’t care about stocks. To be honest, she felt like baking a big cake and eating it alone or maybe with some kids who also liked cake. Instead she had to take care of the mess she created by not paying attention _once_. It was humiliating and she felt ashamed of herself, of her family and her status, of the fact that people around her thought one could make things better by scattering some bills on top and acting as if it never happened. Life wasn’t like that. Her life wasn’t and she didn’t want it to be.

_Call him. Meet him. Apologize and take responsibility._

_

It was sunny outside when she parked the car around the corner, surprised to actually find a spot and not risking another ticket. Her heart was hammering in her chest and it might have been due to the fact that she almost hit a guy running across the street against a red light or maybe because she was about to meet the person she had been holding hands with like a creep, had pictures taken, made both their lives a mess and was now meeting to say sorry.

_Your sorry is like a drop of fresh water in an ocean full of shit._

Wonhee knew, she did, and she felt like an idiot in her D&G bustier dress that made her look like a flower field and was worth three times what Yeojoo paid Hyungwon for the things he had to go through, but that’s what it was. She was a rich, spoiled asshole and even though she knew that saying sorry wouldn’t transform her into a nice human being, she still wanted to do it because she felt the need to.

_You still don’t know how to solve this._

There was the faint hope that the whole situation would quieten down soon, her parents would be too busy to care and she would continue doing nothing much and only come out when she was asked to.

Inhaling deeply, she pushed open the door to the Black Bean Coffee Shop that Hyungwon suggested and felt more than thankful for wearing shoes without heels.

_Your mom would say you look like a fat Chihuahua._

To be honest, she didn’t give a shit about possibly looking like a fat Chihuahua. Mostly, she tried not to hyperventilate from imagining Hyungwon’s face and trying to get used to it.

_Last time you were staring at him like a creep and now he isn’t even working. He might be different now too, because it’s not really a job._

Looking around, she lifted the gigantic sunglasses from her face to be able to see and let her gaze travel through the narrow space. It was so easy to find him now because even now he looked like an angel and her attention was his as soon as her eyes stopped at the long black hair, delicate fingers that brought the cup they were holding to a pair of plump, parted lips.

_Holy fucking shit. How can somebody…_

Pressing her lips together because she wasn’t there to look at the gorgeous man, but to say sorry to him for being all over the boulevard press in a slightly embarrassing position, Wonhee walked to the counter and got an iced latte. She tried not to look at him again and made up a thousand reasons why there was no point in being so shaken. As soon as the coffee was ready, Wonhee wrapped both hands around it, letting the icy glass cool down her fingers before she walked towards the high table where Hyungwon occupied the comfy looking cushions. She also wanted to sit on the cushions. Sad.

“Hey,” she murmured, placing the glass on the wooden table, throwing her bag next to Hyungwon’s hips and lifting herself onto the barstool next to the tall man who was dressed more casually this time. His long legs were clad in a pair of jeans with interesting patterns on the thighs. They weren’t ripped, but there was a lace pattern decorating the light blue jeans fabric. Wonhee couldn’t tell if there was a brand attached to them, but they surely looked like there should be. The same was the case for the pearl-white button down Hyungwon was wearing. The first few buttons were undone and Wonhee stared at the prominent collarbones for a few seconds before lifting her eyes up to Hyungwon’s big eyes and a pleasant smile. He was smiling even though Wonhee had thrown him into a hell pit of media coverage.

_Maybe he still considers it work._

“It’s nice to see you. Are you feeling alright after yesterday?” Hyungwon asked and took another sip from what might have been coffee but the thick layer of cream kept her from finding out. He seemed a little nervous somehow, alternating his gaze between the cream on top of his drink and her face. “You seemed really exhausted when we arrived at your building and everything that’s going on right now probably isn’t helping.”

_You were mostly embarrassing, but okay._

She sighed because she hadn’t expected the black-haired man to be so nice and understanding.

"I am sorry. About many many things. Let me start with last evening. I'm sorry for making a job into a disaster, I'm sorry for pulling you into my private matters, I'm sorry for touching you, for looking like I needed somebody to be nice to me, for forgetting who I am and where I am and for not thinking about consequences that might arise for you. God, I'm just so sorry. I know it probably means nothing, but I still wanted to apologize for it." She kept her gaze on the big brown eyes until she finished and hid herself and her gaze in the iced latte, inhaling half of it at once.

“Then it is my turn now,” Hyungwon began and even though his voice sounded just as pleasant as the evening before, there was a little more hesitation in it. “I am sorry for forgetting the fact that pictures were being taken. After all, you told me beforehand. I am sorry for offering my hand even though it ended up being so much trouble for you. I am also sorry for not stepping in faster and keeping you away from that man. That was your main request, to keep you as far away as possible from him and it seems I didn’t do a very good job in the end. I am sorry.”

_He did so much more than that. He made you forget that he was there. He did._

When she glanced up just enough to see Hyungwon’s hands, the long fingers were drawing half-circles on the cream-coloured cup, leaving marks that resembled little hearts on the fogged over surface.

_Why is everything angelic about him?_

She sounded like Yeojoo and she didn’t like it. The main point was that Hyungwon had literally nothing to apologize for and he needed to understand. “You offering your hand wasn’t the problem. Me taking it was and those blood suckers taking pictures and writing bullshit about it.”

_You are blabbering like an idiot. Get to the point, Wonhee. You don’t even know if he wanted to meet you._

“Like- this is not about your hand. It’s warm and soft and literally the only good thing if I think about the evening. It’s about me being an idiot, which I’m apologizing for. I’m also sorry for dragging you here, but I needed to talk to you because there might be creepy people following you to take pictures and I wanted to tell you that you should never talk to them if they ask you anything. Not because of me, but because they will make your life hell. And…” She looked up again, but maybe she shouldn’t have because that face was like one of those pictures in the old gallery that she always stopped at and stared until her eyes hurt.

_You’re such a creep._

"Uhm," Hyungwon began and glanced at his cup once more, adding a little spiral close to the edge. "I'm not really a person of interest, not even with an article like the one I saw today. It was about you after all, wasn't it? All of it was speculating about you and what you might think and what you might be up to, as if you're not a person that can speak for herself. I'm sorry that you have to justify yourself in front of all these people that don't even know you. I mean- I don't either, but what I'm trying to say is that there is no need to worry about me. There is nothing worth reporting when it comes to me and I won't tell anybody anything. Confidentiality is also part of the job."

_Maybe you made him up. Out of loneliness._

Wonhee hadn’t been sure what she expected to hear, but it was definitely not that. Not that angel-like human worrying about her when she literally had everything and rich people problems like publicity, stock prices and a beef with her parents who supplied the cash flow.

“Are you real?” she asked quietly, silencing herself with the straw, closing her lips around it and sucking out all the watered down latte.

"W-what?" Hyungwon stuttered, eyes widening comically as if Wonhee had just uncovered his terrible secret of being a fairy prince. "What do you mean?"

“I mean that you seem to be everything other people are not. Respectful, attentive, beautiful… those kinds of things. I- I really didn’t mean to be creepy and it must be so weird to have some stranger sitting here after creating all that mess and talking as if she’s coming on to you. I really don’t want to make you uncomfortable, I’m sorry.” Wonhee let go of the straw and pressed both index fingers against her temples, massaging them.

"You're not making me uncomfortable. I'm… thankful that you see me that way." There was a hint of colour on Hyungwon's cheeks and he successfully covered it by leaning on one of his elbows and having his long hair occlude a bit of his face. "To be honest, if you were coming on to me, I probably wouldn't even realise, unless you're making lewd motions with your tongue or talking rudely. I'm kind of hopeless when it comes to these things, so there's no reason to worry or apologize. Just let me know how I can help you to improve the situation."

_Wait. He probably doesn’t find you attractive at all. In addition, what if he doesn’t find women attractive in general? What if he’s gay and you’re being all weird to him, calling him beautiful and looking as if you were proposing in that stupid picture?_

Again, she realized that there was no limit to the amount of mistakes she could make in twenty four hours. She was hopeless.

“You wouldn’t realise? I guess you don’t think that I’m attractive. No worries, I don’t think I am either, I’m just shaken that a person who looks and behaves like you exists in this world and can literally be booked for money. I’ll take back everything I told Yeojoo about ‘money can’t buy everything’.”

Hyungwon's expression was difficult to read as he fumbled with his drink and tried to awkwardly lick most of the whipped cream with his tongue.

"This is the first time I've seen a field of flowers say that it's unattractive," he murmured, still staring at his drink until he decided to meet her gaze after all. That same shy smile was in place that she caught a glimpse of the day before. "I find you very attractive, but I don't want to make you uncomfortable by saying it. You came here to solve something that's bothering you, I don't want to burden you with my thoughts on your looks. But… that dress makes the flowery fragrance you wear even more prominent and I like it very much. You're beautiful, Wonhee."

_Oh god._

What had been only a hint of colour before transformed into a brighter pink as Hyungwon brushed through his hair with all five of his fingers and fumbled with the collar of his shirt.

She didn’t know what to say because usually when somebody threw a compliment her way, it made her feel so much disgust that she wished she didn’t have ears. This time it made her feel tingling all over her body and she glanced at her bare arms that were covered in goose bumps, showing it right away.

“I- that-” she muttered and glanced up, gaze focusing on some of the whipped cream on Hyungwon’s mouth corner.

_Don’t touch it. Don’t. Don’t fucking touch him, Wonhee, don’t…_

She could see her hand move and that stupid thin ring on her thumb that she had gotten from her parents but still wore because she felt guilty that they spent so much money on it. She observed it as if it wasn’t her hand, not her thumb that carefully brushed over the plump bottom lip that felt soft like candy floss, but the feelings were all hers. The way her lungs burned and a light feeling entered them instead of air, making her feel at ease and free for a brief moment.

Hyungwon stopped all movement, no matter how minimal it had been and stared right back at her, eyes wide and cheeks a pink so gorgeous Wonhee wanted to add it to the flowers on her dress.

_He's so beautiful._

"I- well- it's fine because we met privately and-" Hyungwon swallowed and tried to wipe over his lips with the back of his hand. "And apparently I can't drink."

She smiled because of how the reaction made her feel and only pulled her hand back a little. “I’m sorry. I guess our relationship will continue consisting of me apologizing to you because usually people apologize and change, but I’m an exception. I fuck up and keep apologizing.” She looked to the side, past the flowers on the tables outside and right into a fucking camera.

_No. Noooo._

“Fuck, I’m so fucking dumb, for fuck's sake,” she muttered and simply buried her face in her own arms, cursing in all kinds of words she had available.

"What's the matter?" Hyungwon asked immediately and the table tilted as he leaned on top of it. There was a hint of warmth next to her arm, but Hyungwon probably didn't dare to touch her even though she had just done it to him. "What happened, Wonhee? You don't need to feel bad about touching me, it's okay. I constantly make mistakes too, that's probably why I blush like an idiot and don't know how people are supposed to behave. Please don't be upset with yourself."

_You can’t save this, can you?_

Wonhee carefully lifted her upper body from the table, making sure that she didn’t show her face even though those bastards had gotten it on film already and slipped from her chair, sitting down right next to Hyungwon, so the assholes wouldn’t be able to take a picture of him doing anything because there was her flowery torso in the way. Turning around, she met the widened eyes and chewed on her lips before talking. That was pretty close.

_He must think that you’re nuts, and he has a point._

“Outside… uhm... there are people with cameras. They took a picture just when I was being an idiot, so I’m trying to use my body to hide you.” Grinning, because it sounded ridiculous and she was way too short, Wonhee swallowed and inhaled the scent of warm honey that she could smell so well from being this close. “Should we move to the back? It’s darker.”

"Ehm, of course," Hyungwon mumbled, obviously unsure about what to do and grabbed both of their cups even though they were empty before making his way towards the back of the cafe in a secluded corner right next to the restroom. His legs were ridiculously long and probably had nowhere to go at the small table that he chose. "Do you prefer the couch or the chair? The pillows are nice."

The tall man seemed nervous and slightly uncomfortable in his skin as he kept fumbling with his clothes as soon as there were no cups to hold.

"Actually… did you want to see me because of the request you made to the company?" he asked suddenly.

_What request?_

She stood hesitating to respond to Hyungwon’s question and tried to think if she had called the company by accident, but she definitely hadn't. The only two people she had contacted were Hyungwon and Yeojoo…

Yeojoo.

_For fuck’s sake._

“Request? Tell me about it,” she said and smiled to not look like she was about to scream out loud from all the frustration that she suddenly felt about her best friend acting without her consent.

"Well-" Hyungwon seemed awkward as he sat down on the chair and tried to arrange his legs around the table leg without compromising her own space. "You asked whether it would be possible to hire me regularly for a maximum of five weeks until the whole thing calms down. To- ehm. To keep up the pretence."

_Oh god._

She couldn’t keep up the acting and threw her head back, inhaling deeply a few times to replace the anger with something different. As soon as she didn’t feel like despising humanity, Wonhee lifted her head and met the awkward gaze. “You look so uncomfortable, I’m so sorry,” she muttered, realizing that it wasn’t about her all this time.

"I just don't know if I can pull this off because I don't know shit." Hyungwon chuckled and ruffled up his hair. Leaning back on his chair the tall man wrapped his arms around his waist and chewed on his lips. It was surprising to see him like this after the constant charming smiles and attentive glances. "I've never done anything like that before, not even for real, so how am I supposed to know how to act? What if it makes you uncomfortable? I don't want to make mistakes."

She was listening attentively, thoughts quickly changing from confusion to the need to protect whoever was trying to hurt the person sitting on that terrible chair to feeling like she was dreaming stuff up because people like that didn’t exist in real life. She was unsure what to say and decided to tackle the obvious problems first. “Sit on the couch. Your legs are too long for that tiny chair, this is so weird.”

_He must’ve had a hard time after Yeojoo called and asked them._

Sighing briefly, she decided to sit next to Hyungwon because it was easier to see the expressions on the handsome face and check if she was making any mistakes. Everybody was scared to make mistakes if they were genuine and cared about others.

“To be honest, you’re the only person I’ve met in a long time that didn’t make me uncomfortable even once, despite your crazily handsome looks. Usually if guys think they look good they use it to make you feel like shit, but you don’t. You were and are always respectful and maybe it’s professionalism, but I like to think that you’re genuine because it makes me feel better. I’m a bit hopeless because I keep meeting people who don’t care about anything but money, status and genitals, so it’s a bit tiring for me like you could tell by looking at that blonde pile of shit yesterday. I know I shouldn’t complain because I have so many things, but oh man…”

Hyungwon nodded, showing that he was listening as he stared at her face and played with the lace on his jeans. "I think I know what you mean. I couldn't agree more about the genitals part." He sighed and drew a spiral with his index finger. "My looks are my main asset, so it's good they don't bother you. Tell me, how can I help you solve this situation?"

“Were you surprised when you got the offer?” she asked, shifting closer, but leaning back against the pillows. It had been so long since she felt good about having company.

"Huh? Well… yes. I thought you were going to solve this by saying that I was just an acquaintance or the usual excuse. I was only holding your hand after all while looking like a fool. I… didn't think you would want to book my services again because-" Hyungwon stopped and hesitated, as if he wasn't sure whether he really wanted to say the reason. After observing her for a little longer he seemed to have made up his mind. "Because not many people do I guess. I don't mean that you should feel sorry for me or anything, it's just that most people prefer more conventionally beautiful company. So seeing that you want to book me for such a long time is a little overwhelming because my confidence for conversation ends after three meetings."

_You totally need to book him. Even if it's just compensation for what you created._

Wonhee had no idea what her best friend had requested, but listening to how insecure Hyungwon was even though he had been the most beautiful person on the whole website and probably also the one with the best character, made her want to show the black-haired man that he was wrong. That the people were cowards about their judgment and simply preferred what they were taught to like and knew.

“Let me be honest. I thought you would cuss me out and never want to see me again. I mean, it makes a lot of sense. But…” Brushing a lock behind her ear, she turned her upper body towards Hyungwon, lifting her gaze to meet the big, brown eyes that looked so soft that she was about to melt like an ice-cream that some kid left on the table because it wasn’t tasty. “Would you do it?”

"What?" Hyungwon seemed caught off guard, long fingers stopping their constant fumbling with his shirt and thigh accidentally brushing hers. "Even though I just told you that I probably have no idea what I'm doing? Of course, I can try, but it's so much money and I don't know if I can guarantee quality. I've never acted out a boyfriend. What would you want me to do?"

“Nothing, absolutely nothing that you are uncomfortable with because I would just hate myself for eternity. If you think about it, you weren’t acting out anything special and they assumed a relationship, so I guess that was enough. I don’t feel bad when you touch me, like right now or yesterday. It doesn’t make me feel bad and I would tell you if it did. I learned to…”

_You did because of that asshole._

“I think it would include meeting a few times and coming along if I’m forced to attend anything similar to yesterday. You can say stop at any time and it will be over without any disadvantages for you. I would say that we broke up but remain friends and the usual stuff and that’s it. Ah- but I guess you wouldn’t be able to take other bookings for the time being.”

Hyungwon nodded slowly while chewing on his cheek. "That won't be a problem," he remarked eventually and smiled a little. "There aren't many bookings to speak of."

She smiled back and placed her left hand on the table with the palm open. She had wanted to meet the man in front of her to apologize and to take responsibility, but here she was, wanting to touch the warm hand again. She wanted to feel the way she had felt the night before, the way she was feeling in that picture spread all over the Internet.

“So, would you be my boyfriend?” Wonhee asked, staring at the handsome face and wondering if that was the one character trait that had been inherently her. That despite having the knowledge that she shouldn’t be doing something, she still did it and attempted to have it all.

***

_'So, would you be my boyfriend?'_

Wonhee's voice echoed in his head like in one of those romantic comedies that his sister had watched one too many times. People didn't talk like that and they definitely didn't talk like that to him. Not while being that beautiful, covered in a dress of flowers, smelling like flowers and basically being a flower that nobody should have dared to pick.

_Thank god nobody hears your thoughts._

Hyungwon was being ridiculous, feeling nervous even though the whole point of the question had been to _act like_ a boyfriend and get paid. It wasn't intimate or something that was decided due to feelings. It was rich people playing their pretend games much like they played with everything else.

_You're also a chess piece, aren't you? An easily affordable one. A cheap one._

He knew the truth and that it wasn't emotional. It was strictly business with a hint of attraction, but still he reacted the way he did.

_By blushing and being stupid._

Wonhee had been sitting next to him on that couch at Black Bean the day before, but Hyungwon still felt like he would see the pretty smile as soon as he turned to the left. So much was fascinating about her. She was attentive, but not to the details Hyungwon considered painfully obvious. She was beautiful in her own way and seemed to be constantly fighting, expression fierce and admirable.

_She's being nice to you because she has expectations. It's always like that at first, don't get fooled._

Maybe it wasn't about being fooled, but rather about getting his hopes up. Impressing somebody rich who could literally have anything and especially anybody was definitely above his capabilities. He didn't even know how to hold a goddamn hand without blushing.

_She said it, you're not like everybody else._

The reason Hyungwon was running up and down his tiny one room apartment in the centre of Munich was not the fact that Wonhee had asked him that question with a smile on her face, almost forcing him to gasp like a scared lamb. It was the fact that he said 'yes', agreeing to something that he was neither experienced with nor qualified for.

_Would she still consider you if she saw you right now?_

When the company had called, he couldn't even believe that Wonhee wanted to do this. Somehow it had seemed easy to solve, a quick 'he's just a friend' and that was it. The only person who was directly told that Hyungwon was 'a boyfriend' was the rather unpleasant blonde man, but that was it. Everybody else was oblivious and a quick comment should have been enough.

_Maybe that's not how things work when you're on the news._

Hyungwon didn't know about that. He only knew that Wonhee made him terribly nervous and he stuttered way more often than he did at a job.

_But being a boyfriend is also a job now. You'll be her company, only with a different title. It's doable… isn't it?_

Now that he knew Wonhee wanted him to, there was no real freedom to decline anymore. The company had been intrigued about being 'fully-booked' for several weeks. Playing boyfriend wasn't their service, but of course there were exceptions for a 'car empire heiress' and for a bill of 5000 bucks per week. Hyungwon wasn't going to see most of that money, but it was still so much that he couldn't even quantify it in his head. What did that even mean? Ten times his rent? Almost a year without worrying about having to move? That was a major earning for one week. He couldn't even imagine it, but what he could imagine even less was him not fucking this up.

_She must have some expectations, know what a boyfriend is supposed to act like around her. Is there more touching now? What if you disappoint the people she cares about?_

Hyungwon had been barely able to sleep the night before, too occupied with staring at the ceiling and thinking about the fact that he had agreed to something so stupid.

_Don't you know all those stories, Hyungwon? Getting too close to beautiful rich people and ending up miserable and lonely._

He chuckled, suddenly more positive about the whole thing. After all, it wasn't much different from his status quo.

_

A few stitches were just enough to add the pretty baby blue collar to his white shirt, making it less boring and at the same time delicate somehow. Hyungwon liked the way it looked and smiled at the result, ripping off the remaining bit of thread with his teeth.

_It'll look less like you bought the shirt at H &M. _

He sighed and looked around to find the jeans he had modified by covering rips with lace. It was sexy and he loved the way his legs looked in them, so he wanted to wear them once again.

_Wonhee looked, so you think she likes them, don't you?_

This time he sighed louder because it was obvious how he tried to overplay his nervousness by looking ridiculously good. He even added a bit of concealer below his eyes and a touch of brown on his eyelids to give it a bit more effect. Eyeshadow made him look better at night with restaurant lights and luckily he was good with makeup.

_You have been doing this for long enough to know how to sell your looks._

The problem was that he wasn't selling his looks. Selling his looks meant going somewhere, looking pretty and making small talk. This time Hyungwon was about to go to a restaurant to discuss the details of being a 'boyfriend' with his client and fill out a customized contract.

_This feels so weird._

His company had mailed him their template and left a few blanks in which they were going to write what was allowed and what wasn't.

_As if you can write 'no kissing' with a straight face while staring at her lips._

Wonhee had chosen the restaurant and Hyungwon already felt bad for probably only ordering a glass of water and saying that he wasn't hungry.

_Maybe you can afford an appetizer if she really ends up signing that contract._

Hyungwon slipped into his Converse with embroidered flowers and checked his pockets for keys, phone and wallet before grabbing the envelope with the contract and leaving the single room he called home. He only had to walk a few minutes towards the restaurant. That was the good part about living in the inner city, no matter how little space and how much money it was. The bad part was that he barely had any time to mentally prepare himself for seeing Wonhee again.

_Be professional and finally stop stuttering._

_La Bohéme_ was a good example of Munich fine dining with its dark wooden floors, red couch corners and blue couch seats at tables and even an outside area where a few customers were enjoying a glass of wine or a pint of beer.

Wonhee must have been inside already, so he held the door open for a couple on his way inside and looked around. His eyes immediately fell on one of the lamps that had thin strings hanging low and inspiring him for a decent design of a shirt dress. If there was time in between all those things he somehow ended up doing, he might consider making one.

_In between being a boyfriend, cooking and designing clothes._

As his eyes slipped down from a lamp that looked like it was made from parts of a church organ, he was met with Wonhee's pretty, round face. She was looking at her phone, a few of the black locks covering her shoulders that were bare because of the strapless dress she was wearing. It was a white dress with beautiful flowers on it that matched so well with the blooming scent he remembered clearly. Maybe Wonhee had also realised how much he loved her flower dress and therefore worn another.

_As if._

Smiling, he made his way towards the red couch shaped like a circle and stopped across from Wonhee. It was difficult not to look at the bright flowers on her dress or the contrast of black hair on her pale skin. Hyungwon still tried. "May I join?"

When the woman’s round, black eyes met his, she let the phone fall on the table and nodded, slapping a spot next to her hips.

Hyungwon did his best not to flinch at the sound, wondering if Wonhee had been surprised to see him or simply didn't care about the device.

“Well, I was waiting for you, so you are indeed the only person who is supposed to join,” Wonhee commented and stared at his face for a few seconds before checking him out from head to toes. “Nice outfit. It looks really good on you.”

_This is the looking good part. You can do that, but nothing beyond._

"Thank you," he replied, feeling happy that his efforts paid off. He had been prepared to sit down across from her, so it looked a little awkward when he brushed his ass over most of the couch until he ended up next to Wonhee. Hopefully, she was going to forgive him for that. "This dress also goes well with your scent. I'm not saying it because you gave me a compliment, but because it's true. I also like the contrast of your hair on your shoulders."

_Justifying it makes it sound even more fake, Hyungwon._

“I wore the dress because you liked the flowery one last time and I have no creativity or shame, so I just took the one that had the most similarities. Ah, and I hope you’re hungry because I ordered already. It will be okay unless you’re vegetarian. Are you? Then I have to call him quickly. I might be skilled, but I’ll never finish two gigantic dry aged rib eye steaks with garnish.” Wonhee shifted a bit and waited for his reply, eyes observing his face and every single detail that it consisted of. At least that’s how it seemed.

_Maybe she's looking for the bit that doesn't fit in._

Hyungwon didn't know what surprised him more, the fact that Wonhee had actually chosen a dress with flowers for him or that she had already ordered and didn't sound like she expected him to pay for it.

_It sounds like you're shamelessly accepting her monetary gifts._

"That's- probably a lot though. A lot of money," he muttered and brushed through his hair. "I'm neither vegetarian nor rich, but I could embroider a flower on an arbitrary white shirt of yours if you like."

_What are you even talking about? She could just buy one for twice your rent._

"You can do embroidery? Really? You're not shitting me, right? That is amazing! And don't worry about the cost, the owner is a person who really likes… cars, so I don't have to pay when I come here. Eat as much as you like."

_The benefits of family._

"It must be nice to have a place like that," he remarked and crossed his legs before gesturing towards one of his sneakers. "I was being serious. If you like it I could make you something like that too. It's better than heels and definitely less dangerous. But also less fancy I guess."

_Why would she want something you made? She's paying you for professionalism, not for cheap self-made sneakers._

It was a childish desire, but Hyungwon couldn't help imagining what kind of sneakers he would make for Wonhee. Definitely some with blue lilac on them. Usually he only dressed himself or people he never met, but creating something for a person he knew was a different story. It felt exciting, even if she was probably going to wear it once, throw it away and buy something new.

_Or never bother to wear it in the first place._

"Holy fuck, this is gorgeous!" Wonhee leaned in and isolated her index finger, carefully tracing the flower on his shoe. The touch seemed so sudden and intimate, that Hyungwon couldn't help gasping quietly even though she was only touching his shoe. "It's so much better than anything I own! I would really love to have something like this!" Looking up at him, the short woman returned to her spot on the couch and glanced at the waiter who brought a bottle of red wine and some fancy looking bread with dip.

_Does she mean it?_

"I never come here, but it's a place where they can ensure privacy, so it's a little bit safe at least. I want to keep your face out of the media as much as possible. What if it has an impact on your future career?" Wonhee chewed on her lips and looked away with a guilty expression on her face.

_She seems so concerned about you even though nobody really cares, not really. What future job even? You'll probably be doing this until you die._

Hyungwon was a fleeting face that random journal readers were going to be jealous of for no reason, thinking he scored a rich girlfriend.

"I didn't really think about that. I feel like people will forget quickly because I'm nobody of importance. They will bother you though, possibly reminding you later on if I do something stupid. That's why I'm so concerned about making mistakes. I- brought some documents my company wants us to fill out."

_You make it sound so official while acting like an idiot. You just want her to feel safe._

"Ah, documents, right." Wonhee lifted the bottle of wine and poured some for both of them. "They'll bother me anyway, there's not much that you can do to make it worse. Well, as long as you don't run to my mother and tell her that 'we're still together' and that you plan on marrying me after I said that I'd rather jump off the Munich main church than get married. I guess if you don't do anything like that, we’ll be fine." Exhaling roughly, the black-haired woman pushed her round nails into the skin under her temple, leaving a mark. "Anyways, documents you said?"

_You ruined it._

At first Hyungwon wanted to joke and ask whether they should note down that exact scenario under things that were not allowed and constituted a contract breach, but the expression on Wonhee's face told him otherwise.

"Did… somebody do that?" he asked and put the documents that he was just about to put on the table back on the couch. This wasn't the right time for this at all. "I'm so sorry, Wonhee. You must feel terrible about that. We can fill it out later. There's no rush at all. I don't even know what to write anyway."

_You've never had to fill out a separate contract with a client. You just go where you're supposed to go and do what you're supposed to do._

He reached for his wine and took a sip, suddenly remembering that he was actually not allowed to drink on the job. But was he really working right now?

_You should be. Why aren't you?_

"Oh god, please don't worry, I shouldn't have said it. I have had some pretty bad experiences with that shit sausage, so I keep having flashbacks of disgust. You did nothing wrong and simply want to have your documents signed. It's understandable and I still can't believe that you agreed. I'm thankful and guilty." Wonhee looked at the pile of paper next to his hips and leaned over him, grabbing the documents and sitting back on the spacious couch. It was so sudden that the only thing he saw was some kind of pattern on the pale back that looked like a tattoo and disappeared as soon as Wonhee returned to her previous position, staring at the printed contract with her eyebrows furrowed.

_She was so cheerful and then you talked about that contract and ruined it all. Why did you even mention it? You don't even know what to write on it._

"Can I see?" he asked even before he decided whether that was something to bother Wonhee with. Why would he ask to see her naked back after she told him that she was reminded of her ex boyfriend mistreating her? God. "Never mind, it's not mine to see. I'm sorry that he treated you that way and doesn't take you seriously. Going behind your back and talking to your parents means that he doesn't respect you. I hope you can tell your parents not to have anything to do with a person like that. Also for their benefit."

Wonhee successfully ignored his question, or she didn't hear it in the first place. "I can't tell my parents anything. Nothing at all. So… I guess they want me to fill in rules. Mhm… Let me think, I can't come up with anything apart from 'no means no'." Again, Wonhee rubbed over her temples and traced the stem of her wine glass, curling her fingers around it before leaning back against the red pillows and slowly taking a sip of the red liquid.

_She fits right in, looking beautiful._

Hyungwon stared and nodded silently at the rule Wonhee mentioned. "It's an important one. You should write it down."

Again he had to think of what looked like black ink on Wonhee's back and held in the urge to ask about it. He still felt bad for ruining the atmosphere and reminding Wonhee that he was a cheap chess piece that could be bought. It had felt better before he did.

_Because she didn't treat you like a chess piece._

"I think the whole point of a contract is to protect you and make sure that the compensation is clear, so I think you should be the one to fill in the rules." Smiling briefly, Wonhee used her free hand to push the documents towards him.

_You can't leave it like this._

Hyungwon accepted them and placed them on the couch at the side, fingers wrapping around his wine glass instead. He needed to move away from the unpleasant tension that developed as soon as he mentioned the contract. There weren't a lot of options. "And I think-" he tried and grabbed a chunk of bread that he stuffed into his mouth, "we should eat."

His last words were everything but comprehensible, but he had tried his best to distract.

Wonhee grinned, emptied her wine and leaned over his hips again to take the contract. She placed it on the wooden table in front of her and Hyungwon only glanced at it briefly, too mesmerized by the way Wonhee's hair fell on her shoulder. The beautiful woman was humming quietly as she let her gaze jump from one detail to the next. When she decided it was enough, Wonhee took a black pen out of her bag, crossed out some sections and put a gorgeous, delicate signature on both copies.

_She just… signed it. You could write anything on it, exploit and hurt her, but still she did it. You can't let anything happen to her, Hyungwon._

Wonhee was trusting him with this and Hyungwon had to do everything to leave a good impression and do her justice.

"Now that you're my boyfriend, do you want to know my ultimate strength?" Wonhee stacked the documents into a neat pile and placed them next to his hips again. "It's feeling bad about some things, but still doing them. And now let's eat."

_She knows that hiring you is wrong, but she can't help doing it._

Hyungwon hummed and finally swallowed the piece of bread he had been chewing. If he had acted appropriately at the charity event, there wouldn't be a need for Wonhee to do this, to pay a man to act as her boyfriend instead of finding somebody decent, somebody who could give her what she needed.

_She can't help doing it, because the situation is forcing her._

"I'm sorry," he murmured when he was able to speak clearly and took a sip of his wine. "I'm sorry that you are stuck with me instead of the way it should be."

"The way it should be? How do you think it should be?" The waiter put two wooden boards on their table with gigantic steaks that smelled delicious. It must be so expensive.

_She is spending so much money on you and you can't even be sure that you're worth it._

Wonhee put one of the boards in front of him and poured herself more wine, before quickly cutting off a piece of meat and placing it into her mouth.

_It's just like at the event when she drank and ate to forget. Now you must be the reason._

"Like being with somebody who doesn't upset you by pulling out documents he was forced to make you sign. Somebody who doesn't make you drink and feel bad about the way you feel or act. Somebody who doesn't go behind your back to win your favours by talking to your parents and finally somebody who listens when you say 'no'." He chewed on his cheek, feeling the sudden urge to leave and not burden Wonhee with his presence any longer, but that would have probably made it worse. "I'm sorry, Wonhee. I'm already doing a shit job at this."

_It hasn't even started and you're already fucking it up._

The black-haired woman was staring at him before finally swallowing the meat and cutting off another piece. "You must really be an angel, huh? The only reason I feel bad is because I'm using you to live a comfortable life, even though you never asked to be involved and at the same time, I'm having too much fun next to you to pull myself together and take responsibility for what I did and am doing. But as I said, it's my personality. I feel bad about having to drag you into this, but I still do, signing the contract, feeding you meat and wanting you to stitch a flower anywhere you like." Wonhee lifted her fork with the perfectly cut piece of steak and waited for him to eat it, black eyes attentively observing him.

Hyungwon hesitated at first, embarrassed because he had given Wonhee a talk on all those things she deserved that weren't him while she was apparently tricked into enjoying his company.

_Is she enjoying her image of you or really you?_

"Don't you think I'm dragging myself into this?" he asked eventually and leaned forward just enough to close his lips around the meat and chew. It tasted so good that he felt the urge to roll back his eyes. Only when he finished chewing did he realise how close they were. It made him nervous and heat travelled to his face, making it difficult to talk, so he leaned back a little. "I enjoy spending time with you and I would love to stitch a flower wherever you want me to. A… blue lilac because I think it would suit you."

_It's safer to talk about something you know how to do, isn't it?_

"I want you to embroider it everywhere because I'm a greedy bitch," Wonhee commented, keeping her gaze on his face and staring. "And I've never found myself in the dilemma between eating or watching someone eat, but you're intriguing me, wow. Like- I know it's a bit pathetic of me to talk about it instead of acting as if I'm not thinking it, but damn, you're simply unreal."

Hyungwon would have replied, but he didn't trust himself to say anything sensible, too embarrassed by how easily he blushed from Wonhee's compliment. Actually, he should have been used to it, but it felt different when the black-haired woman said it. Maybe because it wasn't the only thing that left her lips but rather a thought that kept coming back, like the truth.

Chewing on his cheeks, he murmured a quiet thank you and cut off a piece of his own steak before holding it out to Wonhee. It wasn't even close to the perfectly cut piece he had eaten, but it was a gesture he attempted.

"You make me shy and… I know that you probably think I'm acting because I must hear that everyday, right? But I don't and even when I do it doesn't really mean anything substantial, but- you keep saying it, so you must really think that. Thank you, Wonhee."

"I'm sorry to break this perfect moment to eat, but I can't concentrate with food in front of my face." The pale face came closer and Wonhee kept eye contact throughout before opening her mouth and slowly closing her lips around the piece of meat, pulling it off his fork.

_This is giving you goose bumps. The good kind._

Maybe one should be intimidated by the sight of teeth consuming a chunk of meat, but somehow Hyungwon enjoyed watching Wonhee eat, even if it was steak. She seemed to be genuinely cheerful while eating and he couldn't help a chuckle at her comment. "Eating could never be an interruption," he remarked and cut another chunk that had a slightly nicer shape than the first. He was getting better. "Would you like more?"

"Mhm," the pleasant voice hummed and Wonhee nodded, shifting a bit closer to him and licking over her curved lips. Hyungwon shamelessly stared at them, feeling bad but still doing it. Wonhee was a client, one that he enjoyed the company of but still a client. She was supposed to use him to solve her problems, but Hyungwon was secretly enjoying it so much that he would have done this without any payment at all.

_You're hopeless. Nothing will happen anyway._

He held out another piece and suddenly realised that Wonhee's thigh was touching his own, especially warm where there was lace instead of jeans fabric.

_This is so close._

"You're a flower, Wonhee," he whispered as the scent of flowers entered his nose, reminding him of spring.

"Actually, I'm a mess, but I guess it's because of my tattoo. I want to be a flower." Smiling briefly, Wonhee slowly lifted her hand, observing him as she wrapped her fingers around his wrist that was trembling a little. After a few seconds she leaned in and pulled the piece of meat from the fork.

_You're so obvious._

Hyungwon didn't want to be predictable, but Wonhee looked at ease so he didn't apologise for his actions.

"Your tattoo?" he asked but knew that she must have been speaking about the ink on her back. It was a flower, how fitting.

"Mhm. It's an azalea on my back that goes down my left leg. I really like it. Do you have any tattoos?" Wonhee pulled her hand back and quickly cut a few pieces, using his silence to feed him half of her steak.

_You don't have anything worth mentioning._

Hyungwon tried to cut his steak in the meantime but his chunks resembled Tetris pieces. He would have loved to see the tattoo, but he didn't ask because it wasn't appropriate. Instead, he smiled and commented in a way that hopefully still expressed how beautiful he imagined it to be.

"I'm sure it looks breath-taking on you. Azaleas bloom in spring and that's what your perfume always makes me think of. Flowers, a light breeze and sunshine on my face."

"The way you're describing it makes me want to experience it too. But you would change your mind about the sunshine if you woke up in my bed and had the sun cook you alive." Wonhee took her glass and drank a few gulps before reaching for his plate with her fork, taking a piece and making it disappear in her mouth with a wink. "You're pulling this boyfriend thing off so well."

_She must be seeing something that's not there._

Hyungwon's eyes widened and the blush that had begun to creep from his cheeks to his neck only intensified. Wonhee had joked about having him in her bed, but it was obvious that it didn't mean anything and he would never end up anywhere closer than the front door. He was pretending and the whole point was to do it for other people.

_She thinks you're pretending now too, because there's people around._

"I'm glad you think that way," he murmured and mirrored Wonhee's actions by cutting some of her steak and eating a chunk before doing the same with his own and holding the piece out for the black-haired woman to eat. "Please eat and don't let my nervous talking keep you from it."

Wasn't it funny how he seemed to leave an impression when he wasn't even trying, but as soon as he did, things went straight to hell?

_Maybe you just have to keep 'not trying' and she'll be satisfied with what you do. Enough for you to finish up and return to doing what you always do._

"Okay but…" Wonhee finished her steak and pushed his plate towards him, gesturing for him to eat. The black-haired woman looked suspicious of him, one mouth corner lifting up. "Is that your concept? The cute and shy guy?"

"W-what?" he stuttered, caught off guard and probably making it seem even more like that was his concept. There was no concept. Either one looked handsome enough to join a woman for an event or not.

_She thinks you are acting for her, being fake to make yourself more likable._

"There aren't any concepts, not really. Most of us just do our thing and either people like our looks or they don't. I'm rather the…" Hyungwon really fought with himself to not make fun of the things that hurt him. "The unusual type."

"My friend was a bit confused at first, checking to see if you were actually a guy and then being sad and crushed that you're prettier than her." Wonhee grinned and brushed a black lock behind her cute, protruding ear. "You are."

_That's what you are. Pretty._

Hyungwon didn't say anything for a few seconds. He needed them to force out the typical smile he gave people whenever they told him that they couldn't tell whether he was a man or not. Wonhee obviously didn't know, so he did his best to smile as he thought of something decent to say.

"Thank you," he muttered and fumbled with his glass of wine. "I'm sure they are pretty themselves. I think everybody is in their own way."

The beautiful woman shifted closer, leaning in to see his face better. "The only reason why I'm actually aware is because I lose my ability to form a proper sentence when I see your face. Being pretty isn't something I can relate to, so I'm in awe. Is it tiring? Is it like people treating you a certain way because they know that your parents have money?"

_Why does it sound like she dislikes having rich parents as much as you dislike being 'pretty'?_

Suddenly, Hyungwon felt his fake smile make way for his genuine one. There was something about Wonhee's words that made him realise that she thought about her predicament the way he did about his own.

_It's desirable, but somehow it becomes a burden over time._

"You mean that one is pressured by it, but still wouldn't want it to be gone?"

"Hmm, as for me, money overshadows everything else, so when people see me, they don't see me, they see money. Not that there's anything to see, but they assume things. Things that I'm not. But yeah, you don't see me riot and instead of doing something nice I'm wearing a dress that's probably worth one week of what Yeojoo is paying for your company. I guess with your beauty it's similar. I see how gorgeous you are and forget about everything else."

Hyungwon hummed and brushed over the edge of the glass. It was a little wet and therefore produced a low note that seemed to dance around them before fading into silence. The sound surprised both of them and he smiled when their eyes met. He wasn't rich and he couldn't imagine what it might be like. But he could definitely imagine what it felt like to have people expect him to be somebody he wasn't.

_Did she just say that somebody else was paying for it? Why not her?_

The thought was discomforting, but he couldn't quite tell why. It reminded him of something unpleasant and a few seconds passed until he realised what it was.

_Guys throwing money into a pot to gift their friend a stripper for their birthday._

He sucked his lips into his mouth and tried to get rid of the association. Wonhee was being too nice to him for such a present, one that she probably didn't even want.

_But maybe she feels too bad to reject it, now that it got her into trouble._

"It's impressive how you turn something pressuring into a compliment. Thank you. I wish it could make you forget about your worries too." He chuckled and took a sip of his wine even though he wasn't supposed to drink at work.

"You're too nice to me. I wanted to ask… would you mind coming along to my apartment? I wanted to share something with you." Wonhee was looking at her wine glass that was almost empty, before drinking the last drops.

_Her apartment?_

"Share something with me?" he asked and wondered if he had made the woman next to him uncomfortable enough to drink her wine that quickly or whether it was her sign that she wanted to leave. He couldn't imagine what Wonhee might have wanted to show him, especially not at her apartment.

_Maybe she'll show you what a real boyfriend looks like, just in case._

He smiled to himself and let his finger slip over the edge of the glass again to produce that note.

Nodding briefly, Wonhee put some distance between them and reached for her bag and phone, probably ordering a cab. "Mhm. Does it make you uncomfortable? Then you don't have to. You can always say no, and I will respect that."

_She puts her own rules into practise. It's nice._

Hyungwon smiled, mouth corners twitching briefly because Wonhee had misunderstood his confusion. "It's fine, I just didn't think I would get to see it."

_Because you are a hired boyfriend for the public. There is no reason for her to see you in private._

Maybe Wonhee wanted to show him so he could speak as if he had seen it before, maybe she was also going to show him a pair of shoes he could stitch that flower on. Both possibilities sounded too nice and positive to be the truth, but Hyungwon couldn't think of anything else to be less disappointed in the end.

"My apartment? There's nothing special about that. Do you live far from where I live?" Wonhee's phone vibrated and she glanced at it briefly before shifting and quickly making her way out. Hyungwon was a little baffled by the hurried departure and didn't know if he was supposed to follow for a few seconds, leaving the empty plates just like that without at least saying goodbye to the owner of the restaurant, even if they didn't have to pay.

In the end, he collected the documents, jumped up and hurried after Wonhee who waited for him at the door before walking out and slipping right into a fancy, black car that was held open by a guy in a suit. "He's coming along," the pleasant voice spoke and the man left the door open for him to join Wonhee in the backseat.

_A driver. She has a driver._

Hyungwon must have looked stupid, standing there dumbfounded and ogling the guy in a suit like an alien race while holding onto his documents. Maybe that was why Wonhee didn't mind drinking. After all, there was somebody to drive her home if necessary.

_But why did she ask you to drive last time?_

He didn't have the time to figure that out as the driver lifted an eyebrow and he apologized in embarrassment and quickly slipped into the backseat.

"I don't live far from here, several hundred meters," he murmured and remembered the extravagant lobby where he picked up Wonhee for the charity event. It felt strange to come along because he didn't do that with a client, and he probably shouldn't do that as a pretend boyfriend either. He couldn't quite figure out what he was actually doing at this point.

"I meant from my apartment. I'm a bit tipsy, sorry." Wonhee leaned against the comfortable leather seat without buckling up and turned her head to look at him as the car got going.

"It's dangerous," he murmured and leaned to the side, grabbing the seat belt and pulling it past Wonhee's chest before clicking it into place. Glancing at the women's cheeks that were flushed from the wine, he felt embarrassed by the proximity and moved back to his seat, pressing his back into it.

"It's not far," he added even though he was going to need a while. Walking home at night was a shitshow because of cat calls, but it wasn't anything he hadn't gotten used to over the years.

"I thought it was a bit late for you to go back home but then you buckled me up like the caring person that you are." Suddenly, a warm hand found his and fingers carefully stroked over the back of his hand and rested on top as Wonhee stared ahead.

Hyungwon held his breath, perfectly aware that it was too strong a reaction for something as simple as delicate fingers brushing over his own. It felt warm and light like a feather even though his hand remained so still one might have thought it was immobilised by a heavy weight.

_Is it because she is tipsy?_

He didn't know, but he didn't dare move, neither his body nor his hand that was so beautifully covered by Wonhee's delicate fingers. He liked it too much for something that was probably meaningless, for the whim of somebody who was not quite coherent.

The way he reacted was so typical of him, overwhelmed by something simple even though it wasn't going to have any consequences. The pretty hand was going to lift again and disappear as if it had never touched his own whereas the warm weight of it was going to remain.

Like a ghost.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 3

Private schools, studying abroad and now she even had somebody being nice to her for money. She felt like a complete idiot throughout their dinner and compensated by her usual coping strategies, eating, drinking and inviting people over who weren't close enough to do so.

_Why would you ask him to come to your apartment? He must think you are trying to do something even though you're just an idiot who likes baking._

She also almost lost it when the tall man leaned over her and buckled her up, replacing the smell of expensive leather and that of a new car with a sweet vanilla scent that reminded her a bit of warm honey and tobacco leaves too.

_Why are you so hopeless, huh?_

Swallowing, she suddenly met the curious gaze of her father's driver, belatedly realizing that the whole thing needed to work out in every situation. Not only at events, but also with people who were close to her parents and would definitely talk.

_What if he says something and they find out that you paid someone to be your boyfriend and try to get involved?_

Wonhee gasped and stared ahead, listening to her own heart pumping in her ears before reaching out and carefully brushing her fingertips over Hyungwon's long fingers. Letting the moments pass, she carefully lowered her hand until it rested on top of his big one.

"Your fingers are really long," she whispered. "I like it."

Hyungwon didn't reply at first, but she could hear him inhale through his plump lips and hold the air for several long moments. She couldn't tell if he did it because he didn't want to be touched or because he was caught off guard by her sudden skinship.

"Yours are delicate," Hyungwon whispered back eventually. "Everything about you resembles a flower and I keep trying to find the perfect one to compare."

_No matter what you do or say, he just shoots you dead with his kindness and those compliments. He can't really mean it, can he?_

Wonhee knew that the person sitting in the car next to her was only doing his job, that's what he did for a living, so why would anybody in their right mind attempt to interpret anything else into the professional behaviour?

_Well, you're not in your right mind, Wonhee._

"Could you please turn on some music," she asked Mr. Hauner and waited for a few moments until there was smooth jazz coming from the speakers and enough audio background for her to lean in, lips right next to Hyungwon's pretty ear. She felt intoxicated and dizzy because of his delicious smell. "Please just pinch me if you don't want me to touch you," she whispered.

Hyungwon seemed to freeze in place and exhaled roughly when she spoke, but seemed to relax right after. The switch was sudden, as if something finally made sense to him.

"It's fine," he remarked and placed his free hand on top of his thigh before turning his other hand with the palm up and intertwining their fingers. "Also, don't you think pinching you would be counterproductive if I didn't want to touch?" Hyungwon chuckled and turned to look at her, faces so close that the round eyes widened briefly and the black-haired man moved a few centimetres back. "Sorry."

Her eyes widened too, but her attention was partially on her father's driver who probably was instructed to report on her. She tried to keep everything she did a secret from her parents. Why should they be worrying all the time, right?

_His hand feels so good though. Maybe because he isn’t trying to do something you don't want._

"If you pinch someone they know that they should stay away without saying anything," she whispered, leaning in closer and smiling because Mr. Hauner was looking at them.

"I prefer a hip throw. Knocks them out for a bit if you do it well and you have enough time to run," Hyungwon remarked and smiled back, a little brighter than before. He must have realised what she was trying to do.

"You would actually do that? Oh my god." She tightened her fingers around Hyungwon's hand and wiggled her eyebrows. "I think I'm pretty good at kicking balls with expensive high heels."

The handsome man squeezed back and didn't seem to be very concerned about her skills.

"That's probably effective if you get the chance," he replied and smiled briefly before glancing straight ahead, as if to check where they were going. "I'd never throw you, but I could teach you if you like. It helps to escape people much stronger and taller than you. Men mostly."

"Sounds awesome. I wanted to do a course, but I wasn't allowed to. Would be pretty cool if you could teach me." This time, she was actually excited and smiled genuinely, leaning back and closing her eyes for a bit to feel the warmth against her hand.

"Why weren't you allowed to?" Hyungwon turned and for the first time there was a hint of anger on the pretty face, anger that wasn't directed at her. "It's important and you won't always be surrounded by somebody who can help you. Of course one isn't always ready to fight back, but if you practice enough it becomes a reflex and can save your life. It did for me."

She opened her eyes and stared, trying to imagine a situation where Hyungwon had to save his own life. Scary.

"Listen, you can probably answer almost every 'why weren't you allowed' and 'why couldn't you do it' with 'stock prices'. I exist as the ultimate stabilisation of the stocks. I have a purpose, yay." Wonhee glanced at the driver, throwing him an intense look before turning back to Hyungwon. "We're here," she murmured, unwilling to let go of the big hand that she held as an act but kept holding because she wanted to. As if to reinforce her thoughts, those long fingers squeezed her own in a reassuring gesture.

"I don't understand," Hyungwon murmured as soon as Mr. Hauner left the driver's seat and was about to open her door. "Why would learning self-defence influence the stock prices? You're not a car, are you? You're a human who needs to stay safe."

"Well, that's your assumption. Stock gurus' assumptions are that if something happens to me, the company won't be able to recover because I own forty percent and it would destabilise the company and stock prices would drop and people would lose money. So much for the tragic and dramatic result of my death. And your hands are the best," she muttered and put on a smile for when the driver gestured for her to leave the car.

Hyungwon remained silent and briefly thanked Mr. Hauner when he stepped out of the car. Once they made their way towards the lobby and there was no way for the driver to overhear them, Hyungwon chewed on his cheek and sighed.

"I'm assuming the shares are meant to be a security for you and your future, but to do that they wrap them around your throat to make sure you don't lose them."

_As if you are anywhere in that equation._

She nodded and entered the elevator, pressing the seven with her knuckle. "Honestly? I've thought about this so many times that by now it appears like such a waste of time that I try not to. And I'm sorry for touching you out of the blue, Hyungwon. Even though I liked it."

Hyungwon hummed at that and glanced up at the ceiling even though there was nothing but the strangely shaped designer lamp.

"Me too," the forest voice replied eventually.

"The more time passes, the more I keep thinking that I've never met anybody better at his job. Apart from maybe that cab driver in London, he had some crazy bird brain."

_He might think that you're desperate for some intimate company even though you're just stupid._

"You haven't seen the others," Hyungwon replied and grinned at her, cheeks lifting up and looking both intriguing and adorable simultaneously. It was an unexpected mixture. "Most of them have a lot of regulars because they are flirty and… well, 'manly' I guess. The thing people go for when they show masculinity in perfume commercials."

"You're cute. I've seen Fabio. Once. That was enough. No offense to Fabio." Wonhee grinned and left the elevator, hitting her shoulder against the door because she was too fast. That meant another bruise and no sleeveless dresses.

"Ouch, is it bad?" Hyungwon asked as he followed her and switched sides to be able to take a look at her shoulder. He didn't lift her hair or touch her, but he stole glances all the way to her apartment door. "You must be really tired. I won't bother you for long."

"You must think I only run against things when I'm tired. No, I'm just clumsy when my attention is somewhere else. Would you like something to drink?" She left her shoes in the hallway and walked through to the kitchen.

"Water is fine," she heard from the entryway as Hyungwon must have been taking off his sneakers with the gorgeous embroidered flowers. She wanted to have that lilac Hyungwon was talking about.

"You… have a really big apartment," she heard behind her as the tall man entered the kitchen and leaned against the doorframe. The pretty sneakers were still attached to his feet. Hyungwon was indeed rather tall, especially in his tight jeans with white lace covering the rips. Wonhee was hopeless. "Maybe you are simply clumsy because it's easy to get lost in here."

"I guess. It's way too big for one person but my parents somehow think I need it." She filled a glass with water from the electronic water purifier and stopped right in front of the black-haired man, handing him the glass. "All the furniture was here when I moved in, so it's- just a finished place that I came to."

"Does it feel like home?" Hyungwon asked and remained in the doorframe right in front of her, one hand fidgeting by slipping in and out of his lace jeans pocket. "I should probably take off my shoes."

_Does it feel like home?_

She shook her head, but it was a bit pathetic to complain about not feeling at home in a gigantic place that didn't lack anything. "But it has everything, so I can't complain. You can make a list of what you're going to do first, take off your shoes, drink the water or put down the contract." Grinning brightly, she put the glass into the big hand and reached for the envelope, pulling it out of his grip and letting it fall to the floor. "Oops."

Hyungwon looked fake outraged and gasped overly loudly, but didn't bother picking it up. A smile was on the handsome face as he took a sip of the water. Hyungwon's lips were fascinating, like two soft cushions that moved on their own. "Better dilute that wine," he remarked and made his way back to the hallway to take off his shoes. He was efficient as he undid the laces and placed the sneakers next to her own shoes. He must have thought she wasn't watching because he briefly lifted one of her shoes and looked at the sole before quickly putting it back.

"Did I step in dog shit?" she asked, leaning against the wall and feeling nervous about having someone over who wasn't Yeojoo.

_And you don't even know him, you reckless bitch._

"What? No- I just-" Hyungwon looked embarrassed and quickly stood up before emptying the glass of water. "I wanted to know your shoe size, but obviously failed at being inconspicuous."

_He's so adorable. It's on purpose, isn't it?_

"I need to learn some of your acting methods, it must be so useful," she muttered and wondered when Hyungwon would ask her why the fuck she invited him. "My feet are pretty small, so my parents bought me children's shoes until I was sixteen. Then they started requesting directly from the brands. Ah, I wanted to ask something." She pushed herself off the wall and stepped closer to the tall man, realizing how much taller he was, but at the same time didn't appear dangerous or intimidating at all. But maybe she was just being an idiot as usual. Licking her lips, she tilted her head to observe the soft features intently. "Is it annoying that people keep mistaking you for a woman?"

The way Hyungwon's smile fell in a matter of milliseconds was already enough of an answer. It seemed like all the cheerfulness and shyness was wiped away with a single word and only big, brown eyes and a slight frown with parted lips remained. If she didn't know better, she might have thought that her words had hurt Hyungwon, but it didn't really make sense, did it? It might have been annoying if it happened too often, but why would being called a woman hurt? That would be misogyny through and through.

"It's the way it is," Hyungwon whispered eventually and brushed through his long hair before turning around and making his way to the kitchen where he picked up the documents. He didn't bother taking them out and merely placed them next to his shoes, as if to make sure that he didn't forget.

_And you've ruined it._

Wonhee rushed after the tall figure and naturally wrapped her fingers around the slim wrist, not thinking further. "Listen, I didn't mean to be rude, I just thought that it must be annoying. I'm sorry, although I don't get what's so bad about being a woman. Apart from getting stepped on and treated like shit on the regular, I guess."

_But you should think further, what are you doing?_

"You're right," Hyungwon replied and stopped trying to run somewhere, merely standing in her hallway with his wrist still caught between her fingers. "There is nothing bad about being a woman, nothing that stems from women themselves. I'm sorry if I made you feel like it's something bad with what I said."

The tall man inhaled through his lips and closed his eyes for a few seconds before opening them again and smiling at her. "It's mean of me to act like this towards you, please forgive me. I'm a little sensitive when it comes to this, but it's not because of women."

"Oh, you weren't the one to make me uncomfortable. It's a remnant from the dudes that I've met and dealt with in the past, but I'm still an idiot, so there's that." Wonhee was being an even bigger idiot, brushing her thumb over the prominent wrist bone before slowly letting go because she was touching a stranger without asking for consent. "Do you want to run away, Hyungwon? Because you can if you feel like it, but tell me in advance, I'll call a driver."

"They are the idiots for making you feel that way. You've done nothing wrong." Hyungwon smiled once again and remained standing like he didn't know what to do with himself. "You wanted to show me something, right? It would be rude to leave without knowing the reason you wanted me here."

"But what if I lied, just to have you here?" she asked and lifted her eyebrow just to see how the black-haired man would react.

_You're really trying hard to make him run away, huh?_

Hyungwon's eyes widened briefly before there was a brief chuckle and long fingers brushed through black hair. It didn't resemble a nervous gesture this time.

"Why would you?" he asked back and his smile looked apologetic somehow. As if he couldn't imagine that Wonhee would do that.

"Because nobody ever comes here and you're cute. But the truth is even worse to be honest." She grinned and walked to the kitchen cupboard, adding up to the ridiculousness of the situation by climbing on a stool to reach the top shelf and take out the plate of macaroons. "I wanted you to try the macaroons that I baked because you liked the ones at the charity event and mine are way better."

"You- oh." Hyungwon's expression was adorable. He didn't look like he thought Wonhee was ridiculous for making him come all this way or angry about the wasted time. He merely smiled widely and grabbed one of the gorgeously formed macaroons before biting off a chunk. "Thank you so much."

He chewed and the way his face changed suggested that he was surprised by the taste. "They are really good! You add just the right mixture for the meringue texture. It's three egg whites, right?"

"Oh, monsieur knows shit."

"He tries," Hyungwon remarked and shrugged. He looked happy as his eyes turned into crescents and he reached out to eat another one. "You're adorable yourself, putting so much effort into giving me one of your homemade macaroons. They are worth it though. Really really good."

"I know. That's why I put them on the top shelf because they would be gone otherwise." Wonhee laughed loudly and almost fell from the fucking stool, only keeping the balance by grabbing Hyungwon's shoulder and holding onto her chest with one hand, breathing heavily from the adrenaline rush. "Face planting would be a perfect finish for this evening, fucking hell."

"It's probably cheesy to say that I'd catch you, but I definitely would. My reflexes are good." Hyungwon wrapped an arm around her waist and helped her down from the stool. The way his facial expressions suddenly turned to shock must have meant he realised belatedly that he had touched her out of nowhere. "I'm sorry, I didn't think and just acted. Are you okay?"

_You keep wanting to get closer to him to know if he's acting or if he's actually like that._

Blinking a few times, she chewed on her lips, stepped closer and wrapped her own arm around Hyungwon's waist that turned out to be pretty slim. She could feel the warmth of his skin through the thin fabric of the shirt he was wearing. "Yeah. How about you?"

"Y-yeah," the tall man replied, obviously caught off guard by her daring behaviour. It was funny considering that most men wouldn't have given a single shit and probably put an arm around her after exchanging the first few words. "Let's put the stool back so neither of us falls over it."

Hyungwon fumbled around and took the stool back to its place before grabbing his glass of water and failing at drinking it because it was already empty.

"Right," he muttered and hurried to the sink to fill it up first before emptying it. "God, I must look so awkward."

_He wasn't awkward at the event though. Not at all. Walking on the red carpet with your arm around his._

"Okay, something is off about you," she commented, before taking away the glass and filling it with purified water. "What is it? You were such a perfect actor at the event and didn't mind the arm hooking at all and now I feel as if I'm weird. Am I weird, Hyungwon? Tell me. And preferably write it down in the contract."

Wonhee isolated her index finger and stretched it out, poking Hyungwon's stomach and observing the reaction that followed.

Hyungwon gasped which was cute, but still didn't make any sense. He stuttered a little, obviously unsure about what to say until he took a deep breath and straightened his back.

"You're not weird. But- there are no real rules now, you know? I knew exactly what I was in for when we went to the event. You wanted to have somebody next to you and preferably not talk to that douchebag. The task was clear and now… I just don't know what to do I guess. I'm sorry." The tall man sighed and let himself fall on one of her designer chairs. "I told you in advance that I'm no good at this."

_You're making it hard for him because you don't know what you're doing either._

"I'm no good at this either, but I guess I'm trying to enjoy your company. Here, have a macaroon." Wonhee took a strawberry one from the plate and stuffed it into Hyungwon's mouth before walking straight to the cupboard with the glasses, pulling one out and taking the opened wine bottle out of the fridge. "I'm going to drink now to cope with my own inability to act like a human being, so wine or cab? Choose your fighter."

Hyungwon seemed unsure, fumbling with his hands. "I don't want to be the reason you drink," he murmured eventually. "But I also don't want to leave."

The reply surprised her so much that she froze in place and poured the red wine over her dress. Idiot.

"Really? I mean- you really don't want to leave? I'm sorry for poking, but I can't seem to find a healthy way to balance the lack of trust that I have towards people with my unhealthy interest in you. You don't actually have a girlfriend, right?" She couldn't help the way her eyes widened and things started to make sense, even though she rarely met men who considered being in a relationship an obstacle to flirting and being disgusting.

"I- no, I don't," Hyungwon replied quickly, mumbling as he grabbed the package of tissues on the counter and pulled out two to start patting the wine stain on her dress furiously. "We- we need a bunch of salt or boiling water, depending on what your dress can survive better. Could you take it off? Wait- fuck, never mind what I said. We can try like this. Or would you like to change and we try to get the stain out?"

She was staring at the long fingers that travelled over her dress and swallowed because the proximity was making her so nervous that goose bumps were appearing on her stomach and arms.

_Why are you like this?_

Maybe it was because she considered the man in front of her so incredibly attractive, his calmness and his angelic face, his long fingers and how careful he was with her, as if he was actually interested. She loved his forest voice and how he looked away when she did something provocative, so her brain short-circuited and she turned around to give the black-haired man access to the zipper on her back, hands curled into fists because of the suspension she felt.

"Then help me," she whispered.

"Wonhee, I-" Hyungwon began, but stopped speaking immediately, air heavy from the words that he might have said but didn't. She felt the warmth from his body behind her, standing still and hesitating, warm breaths tickling the top of her head because Hyungwon was so much taller.

Slowly but surely pressure appeared at the top of her dress, right where the zipper was. Wonhee could feel the long fingers on the fabric, could imagine how they grasped the zipper carefully and pulled it down. The sound was deafening in the quiet kitchen.

_Fuck._

She tried to compose herself and it shouldn't have been a problem. She was used to acting, she was used to hiding what she was thinking, but this time it tingled all over her body even though she wasn't being touched at all. It was just the thought, the knowledge that Hyungwon's long fingers were pulling down the zipper of her dress and the constricting fabric loosened around her chest and waist.

"Let me turn around so you can change," she heard next to her ear, voice no more than a whisper but still reminding her of the forest. The warmth on her back stayed for a few seconds longer before she heard Hyungwon exhale and a few steps on the kitchen floor as he must have stayed true to his word and turned around.

 _Now you're standing in the kitchen with your open dress,_ you idiot.

She licked her lips and decided not to turn around and walked right around the corner into her bedroom. As soon as she was sure that Hyungwon couldn't see her, she let the dress slip to the floor, cursing quietly and punching air because the whole situation made her want to scream.

_You don't even care about that stupid dress. He's your pretend boyfriend, Wonhee. The whole point is that he pretends to be into you._

Currently it seemed as if Hyungwon wasn't into her at all and she was being pathetic and trying to somehow attract his attention.

Maybe men weren't the problem. Maybe she was.

Wearing a gigantic black Balenciaga shirt that ended a bit over her knees, she pressed her lips together after glancing at her reflection in the mirror. She looked like a potato sack. Hissing at her stupidity, she grabbed the stupid dress and walked out.

"You don't really need to bother, I don't think I will be able to fix it," she muttered, looking up at Hyungwon who had turned around by now and sat on the counter, playing with his fingers by tugging at them in succession.

"But… I will," he replied and smiled at her, even though she was wearing a potato sack and looked like shit compared to before. "The dress is beautiful and even more so when you are wearing it, so I am going to selfishly remove the wine stain."

Hyungwon jumped down from the counter and carefully took the dress from her hands before turning on the kettle that was half filled with water. "We will soak it in boiling water briefly, only that spot and that should do the job."

The tall man seemed busy as he examined the stain for a bit before the reasonable amount of time that a person could stare at a stain expired. Wonhee could tell that he was only pretending because he seemed too restless while doing it, eyes jumping from one spot to the next without really having the time to focus. Once the water was ready, Hyungwon poured it into a deep plate and dipped the stained part of the dress into it.

_You've never used this kettle._

His back was turned towards her and as if he had been only waiting for that moment, Hyungwon cleared his voice and murmured quickly. "I'm absolutely in love with that tattoo on your back. I couldn't help but look, I'm sorry."

_He's sorry, even though you literally forced him to open your dress._

"You like it? It's… bigger than what you could see. It's my attempt at becoming a flower." She smiled to herself and sighed. "I'm the one who should be sorry because I keep making you do stuff. I guess you didn't think you'd have to clean up the mess that I made and help me out of my dress even though it isn't considered part of your job."

"I think that I'm cleaning up the mess that I made," Hyungwon replied, still busy soaking her dress in the water. "I think your attempt at becoming a flower is only a failed one because you already are, Wonhee. Don't let somebody like myself make you feel uncomfortable."

"I'm not a flower, I'm an idiot. Also I'm happy that I soaked my dress in wine because you're still here. However, you don't look at me, so I guess you think that I'm ugly, which is okay." She finally walked to her glass and emptied half of it, feeling a bit better about the wrecking ball of feelings in her chest.

_Are you emotionally constipated? He's not your therapist._

"I- shit," Hyungwon muttered and removed the dress from the water, as white as it had been before. "I don't think you're ugly at all. I think you're beautiful and gorgeous and I just don't want to be a creep who stares at you like some blow-up doll. That- was a shit comparison. God, why didn't you throw me out yet and cancel the whole deal? I'm probably making you feel terrible."

_A sex doll? Really?_

Inhaling sharply as if he wasn't getting enough air while talking, Hyungwon ruffled up his hair and glanced at the bottle of wine. "At this point I'm making myself drink."

Wonhee couldn't help a chuckle because of the comparison. "Isn't it called sex doll? I guess I'd be a faulty one."

_He probably wants a glass too because you're making him go nuts._

She walked to the cupboard and opened the door, pulling out a wine glass with her index finger because she was way too short for this shit. Next, she poured some wine into it, making sure to not fuck up this time, before placing it next to Hyungwon's hand and pulling herself up on the counter.

_Now you just need to pour boiling water over yourself._

"I didn't throw you out because I was the one who brought you here, I asked you to open my dress and I won't cancel anything unless you do because that is my only excuse."

"I don't know what they are called," Hyungwon murmured. "Never needed one and don't plan on changing that. I'm sorry for bringing it up. I just don't want to ogle you or anything. It's rude."

"But I'm staring at you. Does it make you feel bad?" she asked, realizing that Hyungwon was basically saying that this whole staring thing had been a hassle.

"It's different with you. Tender somehow," Hyungwon replied and fumbled with his hands until he realised there was a glass of wine he could fumble with instead. "I don't mind you looking at me. It must be different for you, used to people ogling you as if they are undressing you in their minds."

_If it were only looking though…_

She hummed, still thinking that the other man probably hated her constant staring but was too nice to say it. She was just about to take a sip of her wine, trying not to stare even though her eyes travelled in Hyungwon's direction all by themselves, when she heard a knock on her door which was borderline weird, apart from if a neighbour had accepted a package for her.

"I guess a neighbour. One second." She jumped from the kitchen counter and hurried to the door, making funny noises when her bare feet hit the parquet floors.

_Like a waddling duck._

Smiling to herself because she was being a mess in front of a person she was curious about, she opened the door, lifted her gaze and almost had a heart attack. Her blood immediately froze in her veins at the sight.

"You look so happy, almost as if you knew that I thought of visiting. You didn't reply to my message so I thought I'd come by."

Disgust crawled up her throat and she swallowed, suddenly hyper aware that she was only wearing a shirt that was pretty short and could feel those eyes on her thighs.

"Fuck off," she hissed quietly, hoping that Hyungwon wouldn't hear.

"Huh, but why? You look… casual, so you aren't going anywhere which means there's no reason for me to leave." The piece of shit looked so full of himself that she was full of disgust for every word that she had to listen to and full of regrets that she couldn't call the police.

"I look casual because my boyfriend is here." She used the surprise on Mark's face to close the door a bit further, pushing her naked foot against it just in case.

"Huh? You mean that half boy half girl? I didn't believe you then and I don't believe you now. You'd never look like shit in front of a man, but now you do, so you're alone, but I'm nice and respect your choices, so I'll deal with it and keep you company. There are some things we need to talk out."

Wonhee was feeling nauseous and her knuckles were white from the force she used to hold onto that door, rings pushing into her skin.

"Why… can't you just die?" she whispered, lips trembling and helplessness returning like so many times that she had been in the same situation, unable to breathe and unable to escape.

***

_You knew that this was a bad idea from the moment they offered it._

Hyungwon should have declined, simply to spare Wonhee the insecurity, discomfort and helplessness that his words evoked. In one moment, he seemed to be doing just fine, holding her hand in his as they pretended in front of the driver. But in the next, he was suddenly incapable of expressing his thoughts and pulling down her zipper, trying not to stare at the gorgeous black lines that disappeared below the fabric. It was beautiful, and Hyungwon felt ashamed for staring. The request had been simple, but he was looking for more where there was no more.

_You're a pretend boyfriend, one that was offered macarons because that is how lovely she is._

Wonhee was a blessing, unsuspecting even though it was a daring move to trust somebody to unzip a dress. Hyungwon didn't want to betray that trust, to be as disgusting as the people he had encountered himself. Even though he tried, he didn't manage to send the right messages, to be truthful without making it a burden. This wasn't supposed to be about how he felt, but about how he was supposed to pretend to feel. The two things weren't compatible and he had to pull off one while forgetting the other.

_You can't feel this way about her when all you're meant to do is pretend._

Wonhee always worried about him, as if she could tell that he was different, that he needed it unlike the men she had encountered before.

_As if you aren't one._

Being stared at felt different when Wonhee was the one doing it. It seemed to be awe, appreciation for the way he looked, but nothing more than that. There was no desire, no sleazy comments and no rude gestures. There were only round black eyes and pure appreciation as if the woman in the short t-shirt and with beautifully curved legs simply wanted to look at him, because she enjoyed it.

_It feels so safe this way._

The knock on the door pulled him out of his usual apologetic manner and the desire to drink. He was with Wonhee, a client who was going to pay him for acting as her pretend boyfriend and it needed to be believable.

_That means you have to do it with everybody around her._

As Wonhee hurried towards the door, Hyungwon tried to mentally prepare himself for his role. He was a man in love with Wonhee, a man that was loved back and that decided on a mutual relationship with said woman. It sounded surreal and like he dreamt it up in the middle of the night, but that had to be his reality.

_You're with her and neither of you should fear the other._

He heard a male voice at the door, but not Wonhee and somehow that concerned him, added a feeling of heaviness in his stomach and gave him the urge to make his way to the door and look. He didn't though, not yet. He was only a visitor and Wonhee might have wanted to keep his presence unknown and deal with whoever had come on her own.

_You're pretending and only when she wants you to._

When he finally heard Wonhee speak it was unexpected and loud, as if she wanted him to hear it without calling for him. She was saying that her boyfriend was there, that it was the reason for being dressed so casually.

_She's justifying herself in front of somebody. There is only one person like that._

His decision was already made when he clenched a fist and moved closer to the hallway to hear what was going on. He shouldn't have.

That despicable voice was doing it all over again, calling him a half boy, joking about his looks and insulting Wonhee by saying she looked like shit and she never would in front of a man.

_Of course, why would she be at ease next to a man?_

The bitterness was right there on his tongue and Hyungwon felt the urge to punch through a wall. He could perhaps tolerate the insults towards himself, they weren't new or creative, but degrading Wonhee while still expecting her to let him into her safe space was disgusting.

_You don't know what to do, but you know that one thing she asked you for._

Wonhee had asked him to keep her away from that man back then at the charity event. Hyungwon hadn't really managed to keep her safe back then, but he couldn't let himself fuck up once again.

Clenching his fists briefly, he told himself that he was the boyfriend, that he was the reason for that asshole to leave and made his way towards the front door. As soon as he saw Wonhee, he wanted to use all that martial arts knowledge he had to break that asshole's tailbone.

_She looks so scared._

Hyungwon hated that a single person was able to make Wonhee feel that way through their presence alone. He didn't even want to know what that guy had done to make Wonhee detest him so much.

He didn't give himself enough time to think, not with Wonhee almost shaking in front of the door that she desperately attempted to close. Making his way towards it, he wrapped an arm around Wonhee's waist and pulled her back just enough to be able to shield her a little as he confronted the guy in front of the door by himself. There wasn't much speaking for Hyungwon in this situation. He wasn't buff and his height didn't help him against a guy of that size. But at least he wasn't an asshole and knew how to do a few decent kicks.

_And you're the boyfriend. This is your role._

"If you're nice and respect her choices, you should fuck off back where you came from," he spoke as soon as his eyes met the face of the man he had the misfortune of encountering a second time after the charity event.

The man looked visibly surprised before quickly crossing his arms in front of his chest with a disgusting smirk on his face. "Ah, it's you. You keep confusing me, I never know if I should tell you to fuck off or just touch you the right way to make you purr."

_Disgusting._

An ice cold shudder ran down his back and he felt the sudden urge to vomit, a remnant of the way words like that always made him feel. A mixture of disgust towards the person saying the words and himself.

"Holy fuck, I think I'm going to throw up on you," Wonhee muttered behind him, before curling both arms around his waist from the back. "Go home, Mark."

_Now the devil has a name._

"Why? Why don't you just tell him that you won't let him fuck you, so he doesn't waste his time? But now that you know, buddy, don't bother. She won't let you, no matter how hard you try, but I won't give up. You're just my style." There was another disgusting grin, before the dude brushed back his hair and turned around, walking towards the elevator and leaving them standing in the doorframe, Wonhee attached to his back, clinging onto him with her delicate arms curled around his middle.

_She must be so scared._

"He left because he wants to have the last word," he murmured, knowing that Mark probably thought Hyungwon was just like him and was only interested in dominating and degrading Wonhee. "He's human trash and I won't let him upset you like this."

He reached for the delicate arms around him, stroking the slim wrists and along Wonhee's forearm. He wanted to make her feel better somehow, but he knew that words weren't going to do that. There wasn't anything that would make it better. Insults were going to plant themselves into thoughts and keep growing bigger the more often they were heard.

"You deserve somebody who doesn't force you to have sex and if they love you, then it shouldn't matter," he whispered and closed the door, letting it shut with a click. It felt good to be on their own again, far from that man.

_You're scared too, aren't you?_

Wonhee didn’t say anything and he could only hear the loud breaths warming his back just like the small hands kept holding onto him tightly.

Hyungwon hesitated at first, merely stroking over the warm but pale skin before covering both of Wonhee's forearms with his palms. It wasn't quite a hug, but he hoped that it would feel like one, at least a little.

_Will it be too much if you hug her? You're supposed to pretend._

He was supposed to pretend, but he couldn't pretend to comfort her. That was something he wanted to do for real, for Wonhee and for himself. Mark's words were still there, echoing in his head and penetrating his defences like a freshly sharpened knife.

_Of course, maybe one only needs to touch you the right way and all of this is in your head._

"Can I embrace you?" he asked even though he was already touching Wonhee without asking first. It was a selfish question because he wasn't asking because of Wonhee only. He was asking to comfort both of them.

“Please.” The voice was barely audible, only a whisper, but it sounded like a plea, like Wonhee was begging him to hug her, hold her.

He hummed and wrapped his fingers around Wonhee's wrists to loosen them around his waist and turn around. Once he was face to face with the much shorter woman, he wrapped his own arms around her shoulders and pulled her against his chest, pulling her onto her tiptoes in the process. He was aware of the softness of her body, her chest that pressed against his own and the warmth that seemed to pass through the clothes they were wearing. It felt good and he hated himself a little for yearning for it, for wishing that it wouldn't end.

“I’m so sorry that I keep pulling you into this, I’m so so sorry,” Wonhee whispered, snuggling her cheek against his chest and stroking over his back so tenderly, barely touching but still making him feel the motion of her fingertips. “I’m sorry, but I don’t want to let go either. As usual.”

"It's fine. I don't want to let go either," he murmured truthfully and leaned down to inhale the scent of her hair. It smelled less like flowers and more like fruit, probably a shampoo of hers. "I don't want you to have to ever see him again."

_You can't bear to see him even though she's the one who has been hurt. Imagine how she must feel, unable to get rid of him and the way he hurts her._

“Oh, I won’t get that kind of happiness. The kind of environment I’m living in is not something that I can change, so I just hold onto what’s there and try not to… I don’t even know. I’m so sorry that you had to listen to the things that he said. I guess there are three kinds of humiliation one can experience from another person. A personal one, one that you get from the people close to you when you try to get help and when that person tries to hurt somebody that you like. That’s the worst one.”

_You might be scared, but he hurt her so much more._

"Sometimes the first one is enough to feel like a failure," he replied and tightened his hold on Wonhee's body. It felt good to embrace like this and he wondered if that was how comfort usually felt. "I don't know if we can change it, but I want to help you do it. I don't want him to make you feel like that anymore. I know I'm a stranger and shouldn't have anything to say, but I still want to help somehow."

“Everyone feels like a stranger compared to you. This is literally the first time that anybody cared about me this way. Is it because you have to? Why doesn’t it feel that way? Or is it wishful thinking? God, you must think that I’m so pathetic, holy fuck. Complaining about shit when I was about to throw away that expensive dress because I didn’t want you to bother. First world problems.” Wonhee chuckled bitterly, and shifted. He almost thought that the woman was going to let go of him, but she stepped closer, hands travelling over his back before the warm fingertips pushed into his skin, holding him close.

_There is something different about you. That's why._

He felt goose bumps develop and held his breath for a few moments, thinking about how to show Wonhee that there was nothing to be ashamed of.

"There is a difference between having no material needs and being hurt and disrespected. Just because you are able to throw away expensive dresses doesn't mean that words like his hurt you any less."

_They always cut just as deep._

At first, he didn't want to say anymore, too aware that he was entering dangerous ground by doing so. Still, it was difficult to hold back, to not give Wonhee the reason for his concern.

"I care about you because it is the right thing to do and…" he swallowed, "and because I know what it feels like."

_You know what helplessness and self-hatred feels like._

The black-haired woman was still holding him closely, drawing nonsensical patterns on his back with her fingertips. “You know what it feels like? I’m an idiot, of course you know, people are trash and you have to deal with people too. Tell me about it. I want to know, Hyungwon. I want to know what you are thinking because I can’t tell at all and it’s driving me crazy.”

_But can you really tell her? What if she dosen’t understand like everybody else?_

"I'm…" he started and stopped immediately. It was hard to speak the words without feeling nausea returning and making saliva collect in his mouth. "I'm thinking about some things he said, because it's hard not to."

“Because he called you a half-girl? He said it because he thinks it’s some kind of insult. Does it hurt a lot if people say it?” the pleasant voice asked and the woman gave him the chance to feel less pressured by not looking up.

"It's not even that, although it makes me furious. It's the other thing. It's just- I've heard it before." Hyungwon was being cryptic, but he couldn't really say it, not without his whole body trembling.

_It hurts so fucking much._

“People said it before? Such narrow minds, god. I don’t get why anybody thinks commenting on any quality that is special about a person is necessary. Who the fuck cares? I guess it makes them feel better. I'm sure Mark said it to point out that he is superior, even though he’s just extraordinarily dumb and ignorant. I’m so sorry that you have been hurt before and that you have to relive it by being next to me. I really am.” Wonhee looked up and the tight embrace loosened, however, instead of the slim arms returning to the woman’s sides, her small palms slowly lifted to his face, cupping it, but so lightly that he could’ve thought he imagined it when he closed his eyes. “You are really beautiful and special, Hyungwon and people ain’t shit.”

He smiled, realising once again that he was being terrible at what he had been requested to do. Even though he had wanted to comfort Wonhee, in the end, he was the one being comforted for no reason at all but the past that still kept haunting him and infiltrating his present.

_You imagined things differently, but that's not her fault. She doesn't even know, Hyungwon._

"I should be the one comforting you, but here I am, getting told all these nice things." He closed his eyes and leaned forward to rest his head on Wonhee's shoulder. It was a bit uncomfortable because she was so short, but he still did it. "It's nice being next to you and it has nothing to do with assholes that happen to be in your life."

"No, you should be acting like you care about me, and you do so well that I'm not sure that it's acting…" There was a longer silence before he could feel Wonhee's palm on his hair, hesitantly stroking over it. "I keep wanting to touch you, even though I'm so painfully aware that I shouldn't."

"It's fine. It's nice when you do, different from what I'm used to." Suddenly, he chuckled, sighing at himself right after.

_You never let anybody touch you, so what are you even talking about? You like it because there are no other intentions behind it, nothing beyond the touch itself._

Hyungwon didn't want to be touched with intentions, scared of disappointing or getting hurt, but at the same time there wasn't anybody who wanted to touch him in the first place, was there?

"Is there… a way that you like to be touched?" the pleasant voice asked and he met the round, black eyes. Wonhee leaned back and was observing him intently before her fingers started moving against his jaw and cheeks.

_It can't be that. She must be asking because you said you are used to something different. She can't be wanting that._

"W-what?" he stuttered, eyes widening as his body froze in place. It was good because it kept him from stepping back and breaking the moment that he was trying to hold onto so badly. "I- I like your fingers on my back. The way you draw patterns and I try to understand what it is. You drew a butterfly once, didn't you?"

_You like it this way._

Wonhee nodded with a soft smile, humming along with the motion. "Mhm. I did. I think people think too little about this topic and don't talk about it either, but it's important. It really is. For example, I like being touched when I see that the other person is looking out for my reaction, wants to know how I feel about it, wants to make me feel good, and not take something from me, not force me, and not ignorantly doing whatever they want, disregarding me as a human being. I like it when I see that there is something mutual. Like if two people have to colour the same page using different colours, and the picture is only complete if they work together. But if only one of them does then it's unfinished, empty, and maybe also ugly. That's why I asked you. I keep thinking that you will tell me to stop, so I keep asking to make sure, but I also want to know what you like. How you… like to be touched."

_You feel the same way, but it's rarely like that, isn't it?_

He loved the metaphor of colouring the same page because it described the feeling so well. All this time he had been colouring furiously, trying to match what the other person was doing, but in the end he hadn't been able to.

_Because you were colouring with the end of the pen while everybody else was able to use the point._

Colouring with the point meant there were experiences, that one knew what to expect and what to like. He didn't have those experiences. All this time he had been trying to colour the page without showing anybody that he only had the wrong end of the pen to colour with.

_Who would want to colour with somebody who can't apply colour to the page properly?_

Hyungwon felt breathless, overwhelmed by Wonhee's words because he couldn't grasp what they meant, what they entailed. He should have known what to reply, something comprehensible and truthful to say, but he didn't know. He just didn't know how he liked to be touched, because he had never let anybody close enough to find out. The only person touching him was himself and there was never any conscious thought about what he was doing and why when he did.

"I…" he began and hated that he had to give Wonhee such an empty reply, a nothing after she lay herself bare. "I don't know, Wonhee. I wish I could tell you, but I really don't know. I-"

_You know only one thing._

"I only know how I don't like to be touched."

Wonhee kept her hands at his face, chewing on her lips and letting her fingers travel down his neck. "You don't need to tell me, I'm a fucking stranger. A stranger touching you. Would you like to tell me how you don't want to be touched? If you don't mind sharing it with me."

_Can you?_

He nodded even though he hadn't prepared the words yet, unsure how speaking them was going to affect him.

"I… don't like being touched forcefully, as if there is a rule that says I must like it and disagreeing with it means that I'm lying. I also… didn't like being touched at all before, but it might be different now." Hyungwon didn't know how much he could say, how much was okay without breaking everything that seemed to be developing between them. He felt so fucking scared that she would be disgusted as soon as she knew. He said that it was different now, but he couldn't be sure. He couldn't know how Wonhee would react. "I don't like it when it's too sudden and when it's a m- mean person since my reflexes kick in and I try to knock them out to feel safe."

_Have you said too much?_

Wonhee nodded again, humming to show that she heard and leaving her palms on his shoulders, warm and so soft. "I understand what you mean. Apart from the part with the mean person and the knocking out because the only thing I can do is sit it out and hope that I'll forget about it later. Will you tell me if you don't like something I'm doing? I really don't want to do anything you hate."

_She's so considerate towards you, as if it's okay to be so hesitant about closeness._

Hyungwon would have smiled, but the knowledge that the only reason Wonhee didn't run away was because she didn't know, tasted too bitter to smile.

_She doesn't know, but still you are too scared to tell her, hiding away like a coward even though this is what you wanted._

"I will," he replied and reached out to brush a black strand away from Wonhee's face. She was a really beautiful woman and Hyungwon couldn't imagine anybody thinking differently. She had round features, curved lips, an equally curved body and even in that shirt of hers, he couldn't help but find her gorgeous. "Will you let me teach you how to protect yourself?"

_You want her to stop feeling helpless because it is one of the worst feelings._

"Do I have to let go of you for that?" Wonhee smiled and brushed over his shoulders and the whole length of his arms with her warm hands before using her fingers to tickle the back of his hand. "But. Oh well. I thought you would leave right after you came but you held out pretty long. I even made you wash my clothes, listen to my ex boyfriend's bullshit and hug me. You have the ultimate chance to write down all those things into the contract, so that they won't happen again because my conscience isn't strong enough to stop. I'll call you a car."

Hyungwon smiled at that and stroked over Wonhee's hair, hoping that she didn't mind. It felt nice against his fingers and he barely resisted the urge to do it again and again. "You make it sound like I wasn't involved in any of the things happening. I was and I stayed because I wanted to. I will teach you how to throw some other day, when you are in clothes that are comfortable and don't compromise you."

Reluctantly letting go of Wonhee, he made his way to his sneakers and slipped into them. "You don't have to call me a car though. I can walk."

Wonhee used the time he needed to walk to his shoes to get her phone and type messages into it quickly, looking focused but also adorable in her oversized shirt.

"First, there's nothing compromising about nakedness. Secondly, the car is on the way which means it will arrive in about five minutes and third…" Lifting her gaze, the black-haired woman kept it on his face for a few moments longer, chewing on her lips before they parted. "And third, I make it sound as if you weren't involved in any of it because you weren't and because I am the one… I am the one who needs you."

_She cannot even imagine how wrong she is._

"You are right about everything," Hyungwon replied when he finally tied his laces and stood up, stopping in front of Wonhee. "Except for the last thing. Maybe... I will eventually find the courage to tell you why."

_She makes you feel like you also deserve to feel this way._

Smiling, he grabbed his envelope and made his way to the door which he opened carefully, a remnant of the wariness that Mark had left behind. "I wish you a good night, Wonhee and thank you for inviting me. The macarons were delicious and I really enjoyed your presence. Call me when you need me."

"Don't say that…" Wonhee leaned against the wall, one hand reaching for the door that she held onto. "I'll just keep calling."

Hyungwon hesitated to leave, observing the way Wonhee stood there, only dressed in that big shirt but feeling so much at ease with him that she didn't seem to mind. He wanted to keep it that way, to become a safe space like that even though he knew that it was only wishful thinking and couldn't happen.

_It will change as soon as she knows._

"Please do," he whispered and secretly hoped that she would. He hoped that even when she didn't need him anymore she would, that when she knew everything there was to know about him she would and that when she decided that he wasn't worth her time, she still would. In all those scenarios, somehow he still hoped that she was going to call.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 4

_You pathetic bitch._

Wonhee looked at the closed door as she stood there, propped up against the wall in her ugly designer shirt after being humiliated in front of the person she crushed on and adding to the ridiculousness of the situation by begging to be hugged and admitting that she was needy.

_But you are needy. He’s the only person who actually treats you like a human being even though it’s for money and now you can’t be without it anymore._

Apart from the whole mess that she created by asking the black-haired man to play her boyfriend, one of the main issues was that Hyungwon didn’t actually want her, did he? Sure, it wasn’t supposed to be that way, she only booked him, but she complied with Yeojoo’s actions because she was interested. Because the angel-like human caught her attention and she kept thinking about the way he looked when she took his hand at the event, seeing nothing apart from the gorgeous face. Nothing at all.

Hyungwon didn’t want to do it at first, so it must’ve been the money that swayed him but despite the money he was being respectful, caring and comforting. He gave her so much more than what she could actually ask for, but at the same time… it ended there. There was nothing more to the other man’s behaviour apart from ‘being nice’ and doing the boyfriend job better than the people she had been with before. Therefore, thinking about it, it could only be one of two things.

_Either he isn't interested in you at all, or he’s gay._

There was the possibility that Hyungwon didn’t like her appearance, but then again, he had said many times that she was beautiful, so it was more likely that the person she was crushing on didn’t feel any attraction towards her because of his personal preferences. The extreme reaction when she asked whether Hyungwon had a girlfriend made sense too. He probably had a boyfriend.

_And it’s not your fucking business and you should stop touching him if he doesn’t like it._

The handsome face came to mind, how the plump mouth moved when Hyungwon told her that he liked her touch, but he was being nice, wasn’t he? He didn’t want to offend her, make her feel unwanted.

_You’re so needy, it’s disgusting. You said you don’t need men to feel worthy, that you hate them, that you would rather choke than be next to one again._

But she needed somebody to treat her like a person to feel worthy because everybody else considered her a piece in a puzzle, someone who ensured the functionality of something else. They never considered her feelings or her needs. Ever.

_He acts as if he does and even if it’s just acting, you want that acting and you think about it and you want to provoke him to have more like a greedy bitch because he makes you feel so much. Why are you like this and why is it always the people you can’t have?_

She sighed as her legs gave in and she sank to the parquet floor, not cold but comfortable, bless floor heating.

Wonhee was privileged. She didn’t have to think about issues other people were going through. She was protected, mostly safe and rich. She had everything. Everything apart from the things that she wanted.

_Greedy bitch._

_

The days went by and she had picked up her phone at least a thousand times to write to Hyungwon. She had wanted to ask him if he wanted to meet up, but their last meeting still lingered in her mind and reminded her how she kept wanting things she couldn’t have, she shouldn’t have. Things that weren’t hers.

_Like spending more time with him. You can’t because actually you’re only supposed to meet for work and he does it for money. He probably feels too pressured to tell you that you’re overstepping your boundaries. Rich people don’t like others telling them that rules of basic human interaction apply to them too. You’re also like that, aren't you?_

She exhaled, waiting for the postwoman to come up because there was a letter being delivered that needed her signature. As usual, she prepared something sweet for the nice woman, placed it in a cute paper bag and wrote Melissa on top, wondering if Melissa would like her macarons.

“Oh, Wonhee! I told you that you don’t have to!” The smile looked so pretty that she immediately smiled back, reassuring Melissa that it was fine and that she was thankful as usual. When the postwoman left and she was alone, she glanced at the letter, suspecting some company bullshit that she needed to sign and send to her lawyer, but there was the name of Hyungwon’s company stamped on the back of the envelope.

_He cancelled, didn’t he?_

Her hands were shaking and she felt so fucking pathetic, but she still ripped the paper open and glanced at the contract in her hands.

_Is it your copy? He didn’t cancel?_

Laughing hysterically because of the adrenaline, Wonhee hugged the documents like an idiot before she remembered the form that she had left blank.

_He must’ve written down what he doesn’t want you to do._

Her fingers were trembling all over again from another wave of adrenaline as she turned the pages until she finally found the spot and stared at the blank form. It was empty. Not a single word was written there.

_There is nothing. He didn’t write anything, Wonhee. He’s probably still gay, but at least he doesn’t want to puke when he sees you._

Dropping the whole pile on the kitchen floor, she ran to the bedroom and grabbed her phone, met with a message from Mark that she clicked away. Wonhee took a deep breath and typed ‘I really want you to teach me how to throw people’ before sending it off and throwing her phone on the bed, eyeing it like an enemy.

It took a while and she couldn't help but feel pathetic about her intense staring until her phone finally vibrated and she grasped for it like a predator for food. Unlocking it furiously, she stared at Hyungwon's message that started with a company disclaimer about exchanges being confident and what not. The number she got must have been a company one to protect his privacy. It felt strange and as if to put her in her place, but the message Hyungwon wrote in reply was everything but.

'This evening? You only need to tell me where, Wonhee,' it said.

_Where?_

She wanted to cry from all that suspense, from the thousands of thoughts that she was tortured by, only to break in the end and do what she wanted. Meet Hyungwon.

‘Where? You won’t teach me how to throw people in some alley, will you? Are you busy? And are you okay coming here, or should I come to you…?’ she typed and chewed on her lips waiting for a reply.

There was the same disclaimer message, followed by an awkward smiley with a drop on its head and the words 'Way too little space here for throwing without getting hurt. I can come to you anytime after six, just tell me when'.

_But maybe you want to be in a narrow room with him because you’re an entitled bitch and want to be close to him even though he’s gay and probably has a boyfriend._

Sighing, she looked at the mess that was her apartment and typed ‘Then let’s make it six. Do you need a ride?’ into the app, realizing that she didn’t really own clothes to work out in because she never worked out.

_Maybe he can throw you in a Prada jumpsuit._

'I'll be fine,' was the quick reply and the constant disclaimers made it difficult to focus on the conversation and not be constantly reminded that all of this was private and Hyungwon was actually supposed to be her pretend boyfriend for official events.

‘See you at six, Mr. Chae,’ she sent back, feeling the need to be formal and address the fact that the whole official stuff made her feel ridiculous even though that’s what it was. There were still one and a half hours left and it was enough to bake a cake, so that’s what she was going to do. And pick some clothes to work out in for the first time in her life.

_Good luck with that._

The thought of seeing Hyungwon made her nervous. Firstly, because she knew that she couldn’t hope for anything to happen and secondly because she still did. It was stupid and greedy, but the fact that she couldn’t have him made her want him even more.

_Would be the first time that you’re actually enjoying having a partner._

It was her first.

_

The delicious smell was spreading through her apartment so quickly that she barely resisted the urge to nibble on a piece of the cake to check out the taste and texture, but it was six and she could wait a few more minutes until Hyungwon arrived. She looked okay, minimal makeup that wouldn’t smear and a short black jumpsuit that she could sacrifice if shit went down and it ripped. When her watch showed four minutes after six, the bell rang and she pressed the key so fast that Hyungwon must’ve known that she was standing next to the panel all this time, just waiting for him to come.

_And? You’re so fucking obvious about all this. He just doesn’t care and does his job._

In theory, yes. But teaching her martial arts wasn’t part of his job. It wasn’t an official event and Hyungwon didn’t have to do it, but still he came.

There was a knock on her door, rather quiet, as if Hyungwon wasn't sure how much force to use.

Inhaling deeply, she pushed the handle and pulled the door open, carefully at first because being surprised by Mark's fuck face last time had left an impression. It wasn't Mark though, it was Hyungwon's gorgeous angel-like features that painted a smile on her face. "It's been a while," she muttered. "Cake?"

"That sounds lovely," Hyungwon replied and smiled. He looked a little less nervous about entering her apartment even though he seemed to wait for an explicit invitation to step through the door. Her eyes passed over light blue jeans with zig zag cut-outs that he was wearing to shoes that seemed to be completely covered in ballpoint pen ink. It looked vintage and attention-grabbing next to the simple white T that covered his chest. "How have you been?"

"Lonely. You?"

There was a twitch in Hyungwon's eyebrows, showing that he hadn't expected that reply. Wonhee expected him to ignore it like most people do when something is uncomfortable, but Hyungwon nodded slowly before gifting her another shy smile. "Me too," he murmured.

The reply caught her off guard in return, but she did her best to brush her hair behind her ear and gesture towards the kitchen. "I haven't called because I felt stupid, but thinking about it, I feel stupid now too, so I could've called, doesn't really make a difference. You look gorgeous and your clothes look better than mine and I hope you're hungry, the cake is huge."

_You're an idiot._

“I doubt that my clothes look better than yours, but I do like them. You’re wearing a very nice jumpsuit, too. I hope it’s comfortable. That's better for beginners. Later on it doesn’t matter all that much because assholes don’t care whether you’re comfortable before touching you inappropriately.” Hyungwon kept talking until his eyes widened a little and he pressed his lips together, as if he had said too much at once. “I... like huge cakes. As in- I’d love to try some.”

Stepping into her hallway, the tall man untied his shoes and placed them next to the rack that contained all the designer footwear that she had to use for events. “I’m sorry if I make you feel stupid. I tend to make myself feel stupid too, especially when I babble weird bullshit without making sense. You look beautiful and I got confused even though I promised myself not to.”

"I bet your partner would like it. A lot," she mumbled, trying not to step over any boundaries and confront a person about what she thought was their sexual orientation. It wasn't her business. "Thank you for saying that. I hoped that you would throw me in a Prada jumpsuit, but that hot fucker is still at the dry cleaners." Smiling to herself, she glanced at the cake and jumped on the counter next to it, pointing her finger at the delicious berries. "You can choose your dessert, but I guess the cake is a better choice. It's very satisfying. Do you have any allergies?"

_Just cancel yourself already._

“Ehm, no I’m actually pretty allergy free apart from seasonal hay fever. It’s not that bad though, I just tend to sneeze at the most inappropriate moments.” Hyungwon chuckled and seemed to be unsure where to put himself, staring at her legs, then at the berries on the cake and finally at one of the chairs that he pulled closer towards her before sitting down on it. “I also hope that my partner will like it a lot. If I ever have one that is.”

_Well, why would you compete against a cake? It's a lost battle._

She stared for a bit before climbing from the counter and quickly getting a knife and two plates. "Yeah, the cake is definitely a better choice and you are either not aware of how attractive and funny and caring you are, or you say it because you avoid the topic with strangers. Like me."

Hyungwon looked dumbfounded and Wonhee could practically hear him thinking on his chair as if the situation was impossibly complex to grasp. It wasn't, but the tall man must have been looking for a nice way out again to be considerate and avoid hurting her.

"I'm… confused. The cake is a better choice than… what? And which topic am I avoiding?" Wonhee would have laughed but Hyungwon seemed serious and utterly lost.

"Okay, but- do you not find women attractive? Or is it just me? But to be honest, I do consider the cake to be a better dessert than me," she murmured before turning back to the cake and busying herself with the knife even though it was a job of ten seconds to place the pieces on the plates. "Sorry. Your preferences are not my business."

_But still you mentioned it. Manipulative asshole._

“I’m such an idiot,” Hyungwon exclaimed and stood up, crossing the few meters that separated them and hesitantly reached for her shoulder. Wonhee didn't see him, but she felt the warmth hovering right above her skin before it carefully settled down on top of it. "I'm- kind of hopeless when it comes to flirting. I- I didn't realise you meant yourself. Of course, I would choose you over a cake, but who am I to do that, right? It's not up to me what I want to choose because you're not a dessert with only the purpose of being eaten. You're a lovely human and a lovely woman and I do find you attractive. Very much so Wonhee and I'm sorry for making you feel otherwise."

_Is he trying to comfort you after a rejection? Why is he so nice?_

"I don't know why, but I keep saying shit like that even though I know that you're here because of work. I'm sorry again, but I'll probably continue doing it, so why apologise, right?"

Hyungwon hummed in reply and let go of her shoulder to take the two plates of cake and place them on the table. "I'm not here because of work though. I'm here because I want to teach you how to defend yourself and keep you from feeling the way you did the last time I was here, at least a little. It's a terrible feeling and I don't want you to have to suffer through it. When you are able to defend yourself it doesn't disappear completely, but… but it gives you the satisfaction of not giving in."

"I think I'll be satisfied when he accidentally dies. I want you to teach me because I want you to teach me. I'll still have to suffer through it because I'm not allowed to do anything that might influence the way his family treats mine, so… I will just hope he chokes." Wonhee took two forks and placed one next to Hyungwon's plate, brushing over his fingers like a creep. Was she trying to delude herself into thinking that there was something or was Hyungwon being ambivalent? She couldn't tell, she only knew that her pathetic loneliness and the way the black-haired man behaved with her combined into a pulling force that she couldn't ignore.

"It won't make it better," Hyungwon whispered and removed a chunk of cake with his fork before chewing it thoroughly. He seemed to like it a lot even though his next words continued where he left off. "Even if he dies, the thought that you weren't able to do anything will remain and that will continue to make you feel helpless. The next asshole will come around and do the same and unless you find a way to express your opposition it will eat you up from the inside."

_Great._

The black-haired man ate another piece of cake before looking up at her and chewing on his cheek. "I'm sorry for being so straightforward about this, but I just don't want you to get into a spiral of helplessness that is reinforced by the next situation in which you can't change anything. Not like- like some people do. Maybe it's not much, but I'm hoping that it can help you. Maybe you can really hip throw him or give him an elbow to the face when he tries to forcefully enter your apartment. His pride won't allow him to say that it was you."

"You underestimate him and I think if I did, he'd probably try to fuck me, saying that I wanted that. Wouldn't be the first time." Chuckling, she cut off a big piece and stuffed it into her mouth until it made her cheeks look like she was a balloon before chewing and staring at the crumbs on the white plate.

_Your flirt game is about getting pity, isn't it?_

“Men have the impressive ability to interpret every behavioural sign as a ‘yes’. I think there is even a study on that,” Hyungwon murmured and kept cutting off chunks of his own piece and inserting them into his mouth. “I am sorry that you have to go through this. If there is something I can do to help please let me know. If you… ever feel unsafe-”

Hyungwon’s expression changed and he chewed on his cheek as he took out a small piece of paper that looked like the receipt from a grocery store and reached for a pen that was attached to her fridge. He began scribbling furiously and once he was done, he pushed the paper over to her. It was a bunch of numbers, a phone number.

“If you ever feel unsafe and you cannot think of anybody more capable to help… please call. I’m not the most threatening, but I will do what I can.”

_You can’t get used to this. It will hurt so much when it’s gone._

“Oh, Hyungwon…” she started, feeling too emotional to continue immediately. “You’re the only person who cares about me. Don’t give me your number. I’ll keep calling.” She pushed her plate away and stood up, glancing at the rest of the cake. “Would you like some more, or would you rather throw me and get it over with?”

“Which of those options will justify staying longer?” Hyungwon replied and fumbled with the pen, twirling it repeatedly. “Who knows, maybe I want you to call.” Looking up and meeting her gaze, the black-haired man winked briefly, catching her off guard. He seemed a little awkward right after and brushed through his hair, chuckling softly. “Did that work?”

_Fuck, Wonhee._

“Ah, this is going to hurt,” she murmured to herself and walked around the table to wrap her fingers around Hyungwon’s wrist and pulled him up just to throw her head back to look at the handsome face. Shit, Hyungwon was so beautiful. She wouldn’t have minded to see his face instead of her own in the mirror after waking up and also in general. Hyungwon was indeed stunning, but it wasn’t her point. It wasn’t the reason for her acting this way. There were so many handsome people around, plus, she hated men, didn't she, so why him, right? It was because she got addicted to the way he looked at her, touched her, and talked to her. “You want to stay longer? Then stay. Do you need an excuse to stay or is it an attempt to make me feel better about myself? You want me to call? Why? You don't hate me?”

Hyungwon stared back, eyes a little wider because they were so close and air caught in his chest. His expression was difficult to place, big eyes jumping from one feature on her face to the next and teeth settling down on his bottom lip to nibble on it. After what felt like minutes, a hint of something that resembled fear settled in Hyungwon’s eyes, as if he was afraid of what his next words might result in.

“No, rather the opposite,” the low voice whispered eventually and she felt the muscles contract in the wrist she was still holding onto.

_What?_

To say that she wasn’t prepared for any answer apart from some long sentences full of excuses and compliments would have been an understatement. She simply stared with her mouth open, holding onto the slim wrist and trying to word a single coherent sentence that was in any way appropriate for the situation, but it was impossible. Her eyes were jumping from the big eyes to the plump mouth and she was scared to blink, because what if she just made that shit up?

_He just said that he doesn't hate you, that it's the opposite. There is something between you, isn't there?_

“I think I really need to be thrown right now because I want to kiss you so badly that I’m going to combust,” she muttered, barely able to breathe from how hot Hyungwon’s skin suddenly seemed against her fingers, how soft those lips looked. She wanted to taste them more than the cake and that was remarkable.

_And you're so fucking greedy. He isn't for you to have._

Hyungwon didn’t reply, stretching the silence between them indefinitely as he turned his wrist in her hold just enough to wrap his own fingers around her wrist in return. It was a small gesture, a blink of warmth at most, but it still felt meaningful somehow. As if he was increasing their points of contact as a reply instead of words.

Wonhee didn't breathe for a few seconds and heard her heart hammering in her ears before taking a tiny step forward and lifting on her tiptoes because damn, Hyungwon was tall. She might have tasted those lips, she probably could have, but instead, she tilted her head to the side and placed a careful kiss on the smooth cheek, keeping the touch for a few seconds more before returning to her previous position. Fuck, why did it have to feel that good? Why did Hyungwon’s scent make her want to attach herself? Why couldn’t she get enough of those eyes looking a bit shaken, but not repulsed, which was good. It meant that she didn’t make a mistake.

_Who knows… Maybe you did?_

Hyungwon licked over his lips once as he kept holding her gaze, hands carefully letting go of her wrist and resting on her shoulders instead. When the tall man began to lean down, Wonhee felt like she was about to hyperventilate, air leaving her nose rapidly and with almost no breaks in between. Instead of feeling warmth against her mouth, the single desire that kept repeating inside her mind, she felt Hyungwon brush those plump lips of his against her cheek, returning her gesture ever so softly before leaning back again and chewing on his cheek.

_He probably doesn’t want to do anything you don’t want. Because you didn’t kiss him on the lips either._

“Will you let me teach you how to protect yourself?” he asked quietly. “I want you to stay safe.”

She couldn’t say anything, not now, so she simply nodded, still feeling the warmth against her cheek. How could anybody's lips be so soft? It felt like a cloud and she had pretty sensitive skin, so it was easy to detect roughness, but Hyungwon just…

_He wants to teach you things, not be stared at, Wonhee._

“Please do,” she muttered, hoping that teaching her involved feeling those hands again.

Hyungwon nodded and stepped back, still chewing on his cheek as he began to look around her kitchen and brushed through his long hair. A few seconds passed as the tall man seemed to compose himself, breathing in deeply and holding the air before releasing it again. “We will need a room where there is enough space to fall without hurting yourself. Maybe even a room with carpet, so that landing on the ground is soft. I don’t want to hurt you while demonstrating.”

"Bedroom? My bed is huge," she suggested, but after a few seconds realized how it must've sounded after what happened. "But we can also use the living room."

“The bedroom might be best, because-” Hyungwon looked increasingly awkward and brushed through his hair two times even though it already fell nicely. “Because it’s soft, so falling won’t be much of a problem. If you don’t mind me in your bedroom that is.”

"Would I ask if I minded? It's just messy, but oh well. I guess I don't have to pretend in front of you. There’s enough pretending." Wonhee smiled briefly and walked along the long hallway towards her bedroom. Right now the sun was setting and covered the room in a reddish orange colour. It looked intense apart from fresh underwear that she left on her make up table, a few clothes on the chair, the big white towel on the floor and a bra hanging on one of the wardrobe doors.

_You pig._

She automatically turned around to look at Hyungwon, wondering whether he was disgusted by her being a pig, but then again, she didn't want to do anything about that either.

Instead of disgust Hyungwon seemed absolutely calm about her piggishness, maybe even a little amused.

"My room is also completely covered in clothes, mostly it's just parts of clothes like a single sleeve or part of a skirt. A bunch of things and there's barely any space to walk." Making his way towards the bed, Hyungwon climbed on top of it with his knees and seemed to test the mattress by putting his whole weight on it. Somehow it didn't look like a lot. "This is perfect. It's soft and sturdy enough for all kinds of shenanigans."

_A single sleeve? Is he making clothes?_

She kept the question for later and raised an eyebrow, slowly walking towards the bed and climbing on top of it next to Hyungwon. "Depends on what kinds of shenanigans you have in mind."

"Falling on that mattress of yours. Lots and lots of times." The tall man laughed and demonstrated by letting himself fall back on top of her sheets, flying up just a bit. "One actually needs to learn how to fall properly without getting hurt, but we can do that another time."

Hyungwon looked beautiful on her sheets, black hair sprawled out over part of the blanket and white shirt blending in perfectly. The tall man's skin had a nice golden hue to it in the afternoon sun and seeing it through the rips on his jeans made that even more apparent.

"You look like you belong here," she murmured and crawled closer, stopping next to Hyungwon's slim hips. "I practiced so hard to not fall in high-heels and you're telling me I need to know how to fall? That doesn't make any sense."

"It does because you have to make sure not to hurt yourself. Look," Hyungwon began and jumped to his feet on her bed, pretending to lose his balance and fall next to her. It looked clumsy. "Just like this. If I fall like that on concrete I'd be leaving parts of me attached to the ground and might possibly get a concussion too. If I do this though-" Hyungwon jumped up again and let himself fall on the bed one more time, this time protecting his head, only extending one of his arms and landing on his thigh, side and shoulder at once. "I'll be fine."

"Fancy. I'm not sure I'll be able to pay attention to how I fall if I get into the situation where I lose my balance. I guess I'll just break everything, yolo." She crossed her legs and observed the black-haired man, how his long hair fell around his face, how handsome he looked and how attentive, actually trying to teach her something useful.

_He's actually serious about this. Everybody else would've used it to come closer to you._

"That's the magic about doing something often enough. It becomes automatic." Sitting up again, the handsome man remained on his knees and made his way towards her. "There's a few key things about self-defence. The first one is to be the one controlling the physical contact. For example-"

Hyungwon reached out and grasped some of the fabric of her jumpsuit right below her collarbone, holding on tightly. "Please forgive me for demonstrative purposes."

"Are you going to throw me around now?" she asked and smiled because Hyungwon kept being so caring and respectful towards her that it couldn't have been acting. Not all this time.

_He actually cares, doesn't he?_

"Please show me. It's okay as long as it's you."

Hyungwon seemed surprised by her reply, but smiled as soon as the wonder faded. "It's a little early to throw you and not while on my knees, but I want to show you something else important. How do you think you could control the way I'm touching you now?"

_You can't kick him in the nuts, can you?_

She grinned and did the peace sign with her hand before gesturing that she would go right at his eyes. “If your eyes hurt you can't touch."

"Good thought, but I still have a hand to stop you," Hyungwon replied and wiggled the fingers of his free hand. "You need to distract me first before you are able to do anything with your hands."

"I can't kick between your legs like that, but if I was standing maybe." Wonhee chewed on her lips and let her gaze travel from the man's handsome face down his neck and torso, to his slim waist and hips, taking in the attractive sight instead of actually coming up with a way to stop the touching.

"That is definitely a good idea, but for that the legs need to be sufficiently spread. I got unlucky before, so better safe than sorry." Tugging at her jumpsuit a little, Hyungwon seemed to be hesitant before applying more pressure, probably to make it seem more threatening.

Wonhee swallowed and lifted her right hand to wrap around the slim wrist tightly. "So, what would I do then?"

A gorgeous smile suddenly spread on Hyungwon's face and he seemed excited as he leaned a little closer and tugged at her grip without using much strength. "Exactly this. It's the first step, because you grab my hand and thereby hold the motion. My attention is pulled from your face and whatever you might be doing with your hand. I'm expecting that this is where the action happens."

Grinning, Hyungwon used his jaw to gesture towards her other hand. "And this is the time for a little surprise. The most effective is an elbow to the jaw because it hurts like a bitch."

_Fancy._

Wonhee grinned and slowly performed the motion, brushing her elbow over Hyungwon's round jaw. "Baaaam."

"Exactly," the handsome man chuckled and let go of her jumpsuit, hands resting on the sheets instead. "That is one of the ways to free yourself and be able to run away. A throw works when you are standing and the guy underestimates you. For an elbow to the jaw one might need a lot of strength with some guys, but a hip throw doesn't need physical strength. Feeling ready to fall for me? Ehm- no pun intended."

"You're underestimating me too. Try freeing yourself," she commented and used the moment to push Hyungwon to the mattress and climb on top of his lap, both hands holding the slim wrists on the sheets. "Tadah."

Hyungwon's eyes widened and he didn't move a single inch, hands remaining in her grip without resistance and his whole body as if frozen in place. A shift in the long legs was the only thing she felt as those brown eyes observed her intently and seemed to wait for something to happen.

_Oh god, you freaked him out._

Loosening her grip on the man's wrists, she leaned back until she was fully seated on the slim hips. It felt somehow… different.

_Isn't it usually… kind of hard or at least pretty obvious?_

There was none of that, just the feeling of the hip bones that were pushing into her skin. She observed Hyungwon intently, feeling even more nervous all of a sudden. "Did I freak you out?"

_Why does it make you feel so much at ease? It feels so good that there's nothing._

"I should be asking that question," Hyungwon murmured in reply and shifted under her. His hands remained exactly where she had left them before slowly lifting off the mattress and resting on her mostly naked thighs. "I could free myself, but I don't want to hurt you."

She loved how Hyungwon touched her, it felt so good, so warm, as if he thought it was precious. It felt like the warmth was seeping through her skin and settled right in the middle of her body. Why would she be freaked out though? It didn't make any sense.

_Is it because of how it feels to you? Because there's no pressure involved and because you aren't reminded of what people usually want from you?_

She shifted on top of Hyungwon's hips, but it still felt the same. She still felt nervous, with those gorgeous hands on her thighs and the prominent hip bones against her butt. But there was none of the adrenaline and the usual feeling of pressure and expectations.

_That's different but you love it so much._

"Why would you freak me out if I'm the one pushing you into the mattress?" She looked down and reached for Hyungwon's hand, stroking over each finger with her own index finger, thinking about how the time seemed to stay still and how she didn't want it to continue passing.

"Your face changed," the low voice murmured before the fingers on her thigh lifted up and walked towards her waist, as if to warn her before Hyungwon wrapped his right arm around her middle and pulled her to the mattress, successfully switching their positions. Warm hands wrapped around her wrists and carefully pressed them down without applying too much pressure.

"How do you think you could escape?" Hyungwon asked and Wonhee could feel his warm breath on her face, reminiscent of berries and cake.

"I don't know if I want to escape though," she murmured before doing the first thing that came to mind and wrapping her legs around Hyungwon's hips, trying to pull him down. It didn't work, but earned her a smile.

"That would definitely pull me closer to you." Hyungwon lowered his hips just a bit to show her before moving them back and leaning down with his face instead. "I'm glad that you don't want to escape, but a day might come when you do. I want you to know how, exactly for that scenario."

Her brain felt like somebody took the right half and the left half and mushed it hard. Maybe it was the proximity, how it made her feel and that Hyungwon hadn't used a single situation to be closer to her than necessary and she kept wanting more like a greedy bitch.

_And you aren't even especially skilled in complying to what people expect from you when you get close, but still you keep wanting more._

"You wouldn't hurt me," she whispered, keeping her legs around his hips and curling her hands into fists.

"I don't want to and hopefully won't." Hyungwon spoke quietly, but they were so close that it didn't matter. "But others might. I want you to be safe."

_He's so precious. So so precious._

"I know. And I…" she closed her eyes slowly, focusing on Hyungwon's voice, on the points of contact and the delicious scent that surrounded her. It was vanilla and some warm honey combined into such an addicting mixture that she inhaled deeply before continuing. "And I want to listen to your forest voice and forget that anything else exists."

***

_What are you doing, Hyungwon?_

The question was simple on its own and should have been easy to answer. He was at Wonhee's apartment, the woman who hired him as her pretend boyfriend and who he visited without a proper reason. At least not an official one.

_You're fucking starved for affection, aren't you?_

Hyungwon was eating Wonhee's cake, babbling pointless bullshit, kissing her cheek and indirectly letting her know that he was enjoying her company more than he should. He was supposed to pretend, but somehow there wasn't any pretending involved. He was doing all kinds of things that might have been okay for others to do, for others that were able to fulfil expectations.

_But not for you._

He had barely been able to focus on anything else apart from the sensation of Wonhee's lips against his cheek or Wonhee's skin against his own lips. Both felt like a dream of his, a parallel world in which there was a person that didn't mind being touched by him, maybe even a person that didn't mind touching him in return.

_A parallel universe built on a white lie._

Not saying anything was also lying, but Hyungwon couldn't think of a single moment that would have been the right one to tell Wonhee. Tell her that she was going to be terribly disappointed because apart from his personality and care, he didn't have all that much to offer.

_Nothing that she would want._

Guilt began with a single white lie in a bucket and continued with each time that it wasn't cleared, filling up the whole bucket and finally overflowing. Hyungwon extended that period by taking the bucket and placing it into a tub, but that wasn't solving the problem. He was merely extending it, pushing off the moment he would have to confront the expectations he wasn't able to fulfil.

_Only that you didn't think it would happen so soon._

Wonhee's grin registered in his mind and he barely contained his automatic response to free himself as his back was pressed to the mattress and delicate hands held onto his wrists. At first there was paralysing fear, memories that he didn't want to be reminded of. Then it wasn't the memories but the consequences of the truth, of Wonhee finding out and being repulsed by him.

_What if all that work you put into loving yourself is shattered by a single rejection? What if you aren't strong enough?_

Hyungwon froze because a moment like this was the drop to make the bucket overflow, to pop the bubble and return him back to the reality of things. He saw the change happen right there on Wonhee's face, like a tragedy he watched unfold in front of him. There was a hint of concern because he didn't respond until the black-haired woman leaned back and sat on top of his lap.

_Feeling nothing at all._

His eyes focused on the black locks on narrow shoulders, on the naked thighs and the round hips that settled on top of his own. Dread developed in the pit of his stomach and travelled up his throat, making it hard to breathe and speak.

_It's right there, the reason you are so afraid._

Wonhee's concern changed as soon as she sat down, as if the record that had been playing in her mind stopped suddenly. As if the recording was damaged and screeching was the only sound she could hear. There was confusion, a hint of discomfort and Hyungwon knew exactly what it meant. It meant that she had realised and it was only a matter of time until the beautiful woman was going to stand up and tell him to leave her apartment. It was almost like a protocol at this point. Knowledge equalled rejection and he had already enjoyed Wonhee's naivety for long enough.

_You're shamelessly using it. How are you any better than those assholes you try to protect her from?_

He was waiting for it, lying on the mattress and waiting for the change in Wonhee's expressions, for disgust and hurtful words, but no matter how long he waited, they didn't appear.

_Doesn't she know what this means?_

Wonhee didn't push him away or tell him to leave. Instead, she asked whether she had freaked him out. Freaked him out by being gorgeous, considerate and not even reacting the way he expected her to.

_Because she doesn't know. She still didn't realise, Hyungwon. You're still a fucking liar._

He only reinforced his deceit, talking cryptically about Wonhee being the one who should have been scared. The silence stretched and so did his fear of discovery, of realization and a change of the way they acted around each other.

_You coward. You don't want her to treat you differently._

Hyungwon shamelessly distracted, he flipped their positions and put just enough distance between them to feel safe about his secret while being close to the woman he promised to teach martial arts to. He attempted to return to the topic at hand, to ask Wonhee about how she would free herself.

_But she doesn't want to free herself because she doesn't know._

Hyungwon enjoyed it, he enjoyed it so much that it seemed like he was in a desert and yearned for every little drop of affection he could get, reaching for it and allowing misunderstandings to remain and enable him to have what he wanted.

_You can't keep this up, she'll find out eventually. You are only making it worse. Why are you doing this?_

Maybe the answer was a simple one, plain even. Wonhee hadn't asked. Where everybody else inquired almost immediately, Wonhee had simply accepted him for who he was without a single question and now Hyungwon was caught with a secret that became a lie because he hadn't mentioned it when he had the chance.

_You like this so much. It's overwhelming and you don't know what to do, but you can't stop either._

Wonhee's legs were wrapped around his hips and he swallowed, overwhelmed by the proximity and the thoughts in his head that had nothing to do with martial arts. He wanted to lean in and taste those curved lips, find out if Wonhee had been truthful about wanting to kiss him. He wanted to lower his body and feel the warmth of the woman below him against his skin. There were so many thoughts, but he couldn't move past his own words.

_You don't want to hurt her and doing what you want does exactly that._

His eyes were focused on Wonhee's face, on the way her lips moved as she told him that she wanted to hear his voice and forget about everything else. It was so much at once, words he wasn't used to and didn't know how to react to. Was Wonhee being genuine? Was his voice really such a source of comfort for her?

_You want to be close, but you're scared because you know that it won't happen. Not once she knows._

"But how can I help you forget?" he asked and leaned a little closer, worried that Wonhee would be able to tell how tense his arms were from the effort of staying in place and not leaning in to the beautiful woman. "I don't even know what to say."

"For being so unsure, you keep doing the right thing. You make me feel as if there's nothing else, only you and I… I like it too much." Wonhee didn't try to free herself, wrists remaining in his grip and the soft, curvy thighs wrapped tighter around his hips.

He swallowed, again overwhelmed because he didn't know what was expected of him. This wasn't a gig where he looked handsome and made meaningless jokes while being respectful. This was a real situation in which there were expectations that nobody had written down.

_Both of you didn't write anything into the contract, there are no real rules._

"What if you expect something that isn't there?" he whispered and followed the tugging of Wonhee's legs, just enough to feel more of her body against his thighs.

_What if she expects you to do the right thing and therefore doesn't see the truth? What if she sees competence and potential where there is none?_

"Like what? Feelings? I'm not shitting myself into thinking that you like me as a person or anything. I know that you are caring and respectful, too nice to tell me off and maybe I'm using it, who knows? Using the fact that you didn't write anything into the contract even though you could've set boundaries to protect yourself. I'm a person like that. I'm lying here unable to think about anything but your hands on my thighs while you're thinking about not being enough, worried about me expecting anything more than is there, probably scared to disappoint me. I'm the only one disappointing myself on the daily, so don't worry, Hyungwon. You're perfect." Smiling briefly, Wonhee moved her calf against his lower back, eyes fluttering shut and lips parting in an exhale.

_She's so gorgeous, what gives you the right to be so close? To have her say that she enjoys your touch?_

"I disappoint myself too," he murmured before he dared a small smile, hoping to remove some of the tension that felt like it was eating him alive. "I should be giving you space instead of basking in the fact that you enjoy my touch."

_She should be the one protecting herself, protecting herself from putting too much faith in you._

Hyungwon was used to being hurt. What was one more time going to change at this point?

"Do you enjoy my touch? I mean, I'm just trying to wrap around you like a monkey, but you could throw me if you didn't like it, right?" The black eyes opened and stared right at him, before Wonhee curled her legs around him completely, hips touching and used her strength to throw him to the side until he lay on the mattress and met the woman's intense gaze. "I want to know what you're thinking."

_She doesn't._

Hyungwon gasped from the impact and again suppressed the immediate reflex to move further away in case he needed to protect himself. He felt Wonhee's skin against his own where he had cut his jeans and wondered if it was acceptable to focus on the sensation. He enjoyed her touch, so much that warmth settled in his lower stomach and his mouth began to feel a little dry.

_But that is your concern, not hers._

He smiled and shook his head softly. "I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

"Just tell me one thing, answer me this one question completely truthfully, okay?" The beautiful face came closer and he was mesmerised by the black eyes, the red lips, the blush that suddenly spread over Wonhee's cheeks as she didn't seem to think about shifting away, or removing her legs from around his hips. "The reason for you not pushing me away and showing me the boundaries of what this is… Is it because of the money? Or because… of something else?"

_You must be sending such a wrong message._

His eyes widened because the money hadn't been on his mind for longer than a day. Of course he cared about it to the degree that he didn't want to make a mistake, but it wasn't the reason for wanting to have Wonhee close and being unable to push her away.

_The reason is that you're fucking hopeless and don't know your limits._

"Not at all," he whispered at first, shocked that Wonhee might have interpreted his actions that way. "It's not about the money at all, Wonhee. I'm not pushing you away because I _don't want_ to push you away. I don't, but I also don't want to do something that will upset you in the end. Or us both. I've never been in a situation like this and I don't even know how to act as a boyfriend. How am I supposed to act now? I- I just don't know."

The black-haired woman shifted closer, brushing her thigh over his hips and holding her hand under his cheek as she kept looking at him without blinking. "Then tell me, Hyungwon. How would you like to act now? I'll tell you if it would upset me or not."

Hyungwon hesitated even though his answer was clear. It seemed terrifying to say what he wanted without giving Wonhee the chance to make an informed decision. She didn't know what she was dealing with, what if everything she was doing now would be nullified by the truth?

_What if she will desire something that you aren't able to provide?_

He shouldn't have replied, not if it was still a white lie. He shouldn't have, but he did. Because he was a hypocrite and desperate for the way Wonhee treated him. As if he was everything and more.

_As if your existence is valid._

"I want to hold you," he replied and buried his hands in the sheets, keeping himself from acting on his own words.

She didn't say anything, nothing at all and the seconds ticked by and drew a picture for him. A picture of the failure that he was, for everything but mostly for thinking that it was okay to speak about what he felt, that another person would understand and consider his thoughts valid. The black eyes were observing him, probably taking in the way he tried to hold himself back and thinking that it was a bit pathetic, when suddenly, out of the blue, the short woman shifted all the way towards him. Wonhee slipped her soft thigh between his legs and carefully wrapped her arms around his neck before he could feel those warm lips lingering against his collarbone.

His heart was beating furiously against his rib cage, partially because he hadn't expected Wonhee to grant him his request and partially because he still feared that she would realise and change her mind.

_Can she feel it? What if she can tell how nervous you are?_

"I-" he began and shifted a little, but there were no words that felt appropriate, so he left them unsaid. His fingers let go of the sheets and travelled along them towards Wonhee's thighs. He could barely breathe when he stroked over the soft skin all the way to the woman's waist, wrapping his arms around it. He had never willingly been this close to anybody.

_Never, until now._

"I don't think being held ever felt this good," Wonhee whispered, making him feel the motion of her lips against his skin. "Being close to you feels so good. You're a bit magical."

Hyungwon held his breath, trying to distance himself from the words, but it didn't work. They were addressed towards him, about him, even if the person Wonhee saw probably wasn't quite him.

_Still, she is talking to you, embracing you and feeling this way about you._

"You too," he replied and rested his chin on top of Wonhee's head, inhaling the scent of her hair. "But what if it's an illusion and if you open your eyes a little wider I'm not magical but disappointing?"

_If she realises it earlier, will it hurt less?_

The black hair moved under his jaw as Wonhee shook her head, inhaling deeply. "I know that it's a job you decided to take on, I do. And I know that I shouldn't be using the fact that you're so caring and respectful to keep wanting more from you, but I told you, remember? It's a special quality of mine. Being aware of my wrong behaviour, but still doing it because I want it. Don't expect me to deny it if you allow me to be close and don't push me away. Because I'm going to take it all."

_All, until she uncovers the truth._

Hyungwon hummed, not daring to reply for fear of saying too much, of revealing his thoughts and the reason for his insecurities. He wanted to keep the moment as long as possible, for as long as Wonhee would let him.

"Take it then," he whispered and closed his eyes. "Until you won't want it anymore."

There was a shift as Wonhee leaned back, but he was too scared to open his eyes, to see the expression on her beautiful face. Silence enveloped him and only a rough exhale that reminded him of the cake he just tasted entered his nose along with Wonhee's perfume before there was a touch against his lips, so brief and sudden that he must've dreamt it and he couldn't be sure because his eyes had been closed.

_Did she-_

"How can I be a greedy bitch if you're like this?" the pleasant voice whispered close to his ear before the arms disappeared from around his neck and Wonhee moved back, giving him space and sitting up on the bed with her legs crossed. "I know it probably makes no sense, but I'm sorry and I'm sorry and I'm also not sorry at all."

Hyungwon smiled at that and brushed some of his black strands behind his ear. "I think it does because I feel similarly. I'm sorry about doing something, but I know that I will probably do it again given the opportunity."

_You will come to her again if she calls you, using every excuse you can think of._

Inhaling deeply, he stood up on the bed and held out his hand for Wonhee to pull her up. "Let me show you a hip throw once before I leave and overthink all the mistakes I made today."

It was so easy to make mistakes when there were no rules and Hyungwon wasn't just meant to smile and talk about meaningless things.

_You haven't been talking about meaningless things with her since the day you met._

"Please do and you haven't made a single mistake. It doesn't mean that you're my lord and saviour, I bet there are some things about you that suck, however, I haven't found them yet and I'm pretty sure that I have more of those, so no worries."

He hummed and couldn't help a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. Wonhee was right, there were some things about him that sucked, to other people that is. Sometimes a single bad thing was enough to forget about a thousand good ones.

"I will mainly show you how to grab and throw," he began and did just that, turning quickly to end up with his back towards Wonhee which must have surprised her. Once he had her chest against his back, he crouched low enough to grab her arm and pull her whole body over his hip to the ground. He was careful on purpose, lowering her much slower than would have happened in real life. He pulled her back up almost instantly. "Are you okay?"

The black-haired woman stared at him in shock, hands shaking a little and chest rising with quick inhales. Wonhee didn't look particularly okay, but still nodded without saying a single word.

_You must have scared her._

"I'm sorry, I should have given you more time to prepare," he murmured and wrapped an arm around her waist to stabilise her. He should have asked about that first, but he was becoming reckless and inconsiderate. The worst. "Is it okay if I hold your waist?"

"That's… scary. That you can overpower me like that." Wonhee sighed quietly, inhaled deeply and smiled, but it didn't look right. "It's fine. I thought maybe you can take some cake along, so I won't try to eat it all. Let me pack it up." Brushing a lock behind her ear, the beautiful woman slipped out of his embrace, crawled from the bed and disappeared into the hallway with shaky steps.

_It's scary._

Hyungwon remained standing on the bed, perfectly aware that Wonhee had left because of him, because he had overpowered her without any real warning and made her feel exactly the way he had wanted to protect her from feeling.

_Absolutely helpless._

___

_Not a single mistake?_

His fingers worked on their own, pulling a needle through the thick fabric of a pair of simple sneakers while his mind was anything but focused. He thought about Wonhee's words, the way she had told him that he hadn't made a single mistake. She had seemed so mesmerised, seeing a person that was so grand and magical that no mistake was possible.

_Of course you had to go ahead and make one._

The difference had been so obvious, the way Wonhee's previously bright smiles stopped reaching her eyes, how she kept trembling and fumbling with her hands to keep him from seeing it. Even their goodbye was so different from before, meaningless words as Wonhee pressed a paper box with cake into his hands and held the door open until he finally left.

_You scared her, so much that she couldn't feel at ease next to you._

He had apologised, but an apology didn't keep Wonhee from feeling helpless and threatened by what he was able to do. Hyungwon had wanted to teach her to protect herself to avoid feeling terrible, but in the end he became the source of the very feelings he wanted to protect her from. He hated the bitterness it left on his tongue and winced because his hands slipped and the needle buried itself inside his index finger.

_Why do you never bother to wear a thimble?_

Wincing, he licked away the drop of blood and continued to pull marine blue thread through the fabric. The colour reminded him of the flowery scent that entered his nose when Wonhee had granted him his wish and embraced him. The moment had been so intimate, too much and not enough at once. Too much because Hyungwon couldn't believe that Wonhee wished to be that close to him and not enough because he yearned for it as soon as it was over. Even now he yearned for it, remembering the delicate fingers brushing over his shoulders and arms wrapping around his neck, curvy thighs curling around his hips and pulling him closer. All of it felt like a dream now, a dream he had woken from and didn't know how to return to.

_You ruined it, didn't you?_

The cake the beautiful woman had shared with him was still in his fridge even though days had passed. He shifted it to the freezer because he couldn't bear eating the only thing that reminded him of her.

_You miss her even though you barely know each other._

Hyungwon was hopeless, attaching himself to a person because they were nice to him for once. He should have gotten used to living alone and the rejection that ultimately followed interest. Wonhee's interest had already pulled for much longer than it should have, making him hopeful and restless to see her the next time. Only that next time never came.

_Because she has neither called you nor written to you._

Hyungwon shouldn't have been upset, not after hating himself for keeping secrets and making Wonhee believe that he was more than he was, that he could provide her with what she needed. The world had caught up with him and put him right back in his place.

_Alone in your tiny apartment embroidering flowers onto cloth._

Wonhee had his private number and his work number but she didn’t contact him over either. Both remained silent apart from orders and details about his work schedule as usual. The only thing he had received was the written confirmation of a deposit that still lay on his desk untouched.

_Because it makes you feel terrible._

A huge sum of money had been transferred to his account for his work over the last two weeks, two weeks during which he had done absolutely nothing for the woman who had paid it to him. It was almost like a payment for staying away, remaining quiet and pretending that he didn't exist. The price she paid because there was no way to cancel and get rid of him anymore.

_You should return it, but you don't even know where._

The thought was noble, but Hyungwon knew that he wouldn't have done it. First of all, because his company wouldn't allow him to and secondly because no matter how independent and well off he pretended to be for his clients, he wasn't. He was a man they could hire for an evening and the one woman who hired him for more than that got so disappointed in him that she didn't dare say or write a single word to him.

_As usual you got what you deserve. You know that you're meant to live like this. The therapist said you chose to live a difficult life and have to deal with it now._

Hyungwon preferred a difficult life over no life, so he smiled to himself and tried to pay attention to the needle this time. He needed his hands to earn his money and dress like he belonged with Munich's upper class.

_You made several outfits to look good next to her, but there was no need for them. You probably won't see her again, will you?_

The thought upset him again, so he practised his smile a few more times to cheat himself into feeling happy. It worked sometimes, when he did it often enough.

Adding a few more lines to the picture on the sneakers, he sighed and glanced at the table where his phone lay. Blue light kept blinking at the corner and Hyungwon put the sneakers aside and stepped over a half-finished jumpsuit on his way to check for messages. There was an email asking for a switch in shift the next day and a company message.

At first, he wanted to ignore it because there were no new clients anyway, but when his eyes fell on Wonhee's name, he almost dropped his phone. Clicking furiously, he held his breath and tried to ignore the fact that Wonhee wrote to his work number instead of his private one.

_This IS work. She hired you, Hyungwon. You know that nothing will happen. It never could._

It was pathetic of him to keep expecting platonic intimacy only because Wonhee had granted it once. Holding his breath, he scrolled past the usual warnings his company sent along with client contact emails and read Wonhee's message.

'Event: Release of a new car. Dress code: elegant Time: 6 pm. Further instructions: a car will wait in front of your apartment building to pick you up.'

Hyungwon stared, wondering if he made a mistake and the message was sent from his company after all. He scrolled back up to the sender and checked the number and name, reading Wonhee's full name over and over again until he finally understood.

_She wrote it. She wrote it to show you that intimacy is over now._

The message didn't change, even when he scrolled back down to read it several times. It remained just as cold and professional as the very first message had been. A place, a dress code, a job and professional attitude that was expected of him.

_You have to forget about this, Hyungwon. The only reason she does this is because she cannot cancel the contract._

It hurt, but most of his interactions did, so Hyungwon tried to make it blend into the rest. Just another instance of him being a disappointment. He was better at looking pretty, saying meaningless things and not getting too close. He should have known better, but here he was, confronted with another instance of a person he liked rejecting him.

_She probably realised afterwards, figuring out that you're not what she expected you to be while making her feel just as helpless as everybody else._

His fingers shook when he pressed reply and typed out the most professional message he felt capable of. There were only four words, 'I will be ready', but already writing them without a hint of personality made him feel like somebody had managed to grab a hold of his lungs and squeeze mercilessly.

_How are you supposed to be professional if there are still no rules? How are you supposed to act?_

He felt scared, scared to make everything even worse. He had seen the message rather late and there was only an hour left to prepare, but still he stood in the middle of his one-room apartment and wondered if there was a way to free Wonhee from him. Maybe he could ask her to break the contract for her own peace? He could tell the press some bullshit about wanting to be with her and she could push it all on him being clingy or what not. All of it was worth it for as long as Wonhee didn't have to deal with him when she didn't want to.

_Even if it hurts, you can't disappoint her._

Hyungwon locked his phone and walked the single step from his bed to his open wardrobe with the two outfits he created exactly for an occasion like this. Now that he saw both outfits hanging on their hangers, he wondered why he had felt positive enough about this to even think that he was going to have two occasions to see Wonhee again.

_It will end with this, won't it?_

He didn't allow himself to think further. He had to be professional about this, so he slipped into a black silk shirt with a black ribbon that served as a choker and threw the black blazer with golden ornaments over his shoulders. The pants were similarly designed but less prominent and he wore his best pair of leather shoes.

There were still fifteen minutes left when he covered up his under eye area, applied a bit of bronze eyeshadow and finally finished up by adding a darker brown to his lips. Even if this was the last time he saw Wonhee he wanted to make it worth it. At least money wise even if nothing else.

When he ran down the stairs, two minutes before six, a gigantic expensive-looking black car was already waiting right in front of his door, unbothered by the fact that it was a no parking zone. He could see the driver and it was a different person this time, younger and immediately leaving the car to nod and open the back door for him to enter.

_Another driver?_

Hyungwon merely thanked the driver for his efforts and climbed into the backseat, staring straight ahead because he wasn't prepared for the facial expression he was going to see on Wonhee's face.

_You aren't prepared to see what you have missed for the last two weeks. You don't even have a real right to miss her after upsetting her like that._

He fastened his seatbelt and brushed through his hair, probably ruining his previous efforts because he was so nervous.

_Professionalism, Hyungwon. You owe her at least that._

Smiling, he finally turned around and looked at the gorgeous woman sitting next to him.

Wonhee looked stunning, wearing a black dress that covered most of her arms, but had a pretty low cut on her chest and right thigh. He tried not to stare for too long at how curvy and attractive Wonhee's body was. The black hair was cut to shoulder length, the tiny designer bag lay between them with one of Wonhee's hands wrapping around it and as usual, her make-up and accessories were on point. Everything was perfectly on point apart from the expression on the beautiful face. Wonhee was staring at him without blinking, gaze focused and vulnerable somehow, or maybe he just made it up to feel better.

"I'm… sorry that it's so sudden. I didn't know that I would need to go and take somebody along."

_Somebody._

Hyungwon briefly glanced at the driver before smiling and leaning back against the seat. "Well, I'm glad that your boyfriend qualifies as 'somebody'."

_The driver probably doesn't know and she is the only one to decide who is allowed to know the truth._

"R-right," Wonhee muttered, swallowing and grabbing her bag tighter. It almost seemed as if she felt uncomfortable next to him or nervous. "I still didn't want to bother you unnecessarily. That didn't work well."

_Of course she is uncomfortable. She was forced to see you and now you're pressuring her with a role she doesn't even want you to have._

"It's not a problem at all. I'm happy to see you, even when it's surrounded by many people I don't know." He kept his distance in the hope that Wonhee's grip on her handbag would relax. He didn't want her to be scared, at least not of him. "I- I missed you."

It sounded perfect for a boyfriend to say, but he struggled because it was too true. Too true to say nonchalantly without being obvious. He could see how those round eyes widened and some seconds ticked by before Wonhee let go of her bag and reached for his hand, intertwining their fingers and pulling it to her full lips to place a soft kiss on top of his knuckles. "I missed you too."

He gasped, loud enough for the driver to realize because his shoulders twitched briefly. Hyungwon wished he could have been more composed, but the words made him feel so much that he couldn't contain it. He didn't even know if they were the truth or merely Wonhee playing her role. He didn't know if she spoke those words for the driver before telling him to find a way to break the deal because she couldn't bear seeing him any longer.

_She should break the deal for her sake. You can't give her what she needs._

He didn't pull his hand back, hoping that Wonhee would forget about returning it and allow him to keep it forever. Her fingers felt so good against his own, just as delicate as he remembered but much warmer. When the warmth of her lips wasn't traceable anymore, he could still feel the small hand holding onto his as Wonhee lowered it to the space between them. Silence filled the car before Wonhee leaned in, stopping right next to his ear and whispering her next words against it. "That pile of trash will be there too, so try not to talk to him. I don't want him to hurt you."

_It's not about you._

"I don't want him anywhere close to you," he replied and felt the tension in his arms increase because he immediately remembered the way that man had made Wonhee feel.

_You made her feel helpless too, but maybe this time you can save her from it._

"And I don't want him anywhere close to you. I'm sorry for making you do this, I really am." The last few words were so quiet, as if Wonhee was ashamed about saying them. The car stopped and the driver left, but the small hand still held his just like those black eyes held his gaze, as if communicating and telling him something in a language he couldn't understand.

_This isn't pretence for the driver, but why?_

Hyungwon was scared of getting his hopes up, but still he couldn't resist carefully brushing over Wonhee's palm with his thumb. It was only briefly, a small sign of appreciation before he had to return to gestures that were for the people watching and not for them.

"I'm sorry that you had to call me even though you wanted to keep your distance. If distance is what you really want, I can try to find a way, Wonhee. You can blame everything on me if you want, anything as long as it makes you feel at ease." He was babbling, but he didn't want Wonhee to suffer through something she could be avoiding if only he gave her the opportunity.

"The only thing I'm blaming you for is the way you made me feel after I pulled out my insides in front of you, but oh well, you're a man, aren't you? They can't exist without making a woman feel weak and helpless. I wanted distance… because it hurt." Wonhee breathed out and smiled at the driver who opened the door and let her out. She waited for him to join, wrapping one arm around his and smiling at the cameras, knowing exactly how to act for them, how to pose in her designer dress or glance at him once in a while with an expression that couldn't have been for him. Not after those words.

_Can you blame her?_

Wonhee hadn't given him the chance to reply, but what could he have said? There was nothing to justify his actions because it would invalidate her feelings. It didn't matter what his intentions were when he threw Wonhee on her back. The result was that she felt overwhelmed and helpless. The only thing Hyungwon could do was protect her from feeling that way because of somebody else while allowing her to distance herself from him. No matter how much it hurt.

Despite his thoughts, he played along to show the side Wonhee had called him for, his professional side. He kept a serious expression because it looked better in pictures and only smiled when he looked at Wonhee or needed it for effect. This was what the black-haired woman wanted of him, so he was going to provide it.

Hyungwon made sure not to touch her unless she invited the contact and kept his hand a few centimetres away from her back while it probably looked like he was holding her in pictures that would come out later.

When the flashes calmed down and focused on the next arrival, he led Wonhee towards the entrance to the hall where the event was taking place and grabbed a glass of champagne and a glass of juice for the two of them.

"I know that an apology isn't going to change anything, but I will do anything to make sure you don't feel that way again," he whispered when they finally stood at one of the high tables on their own. "I'll keep him away from you and if you are sick and tired of this deal, then I will do anything to make it possible for you to break it without consequences."

"That’s the second time you’ve mentioned it now. Do you want to cancel?" Wonhee drank her glass in one go and leaned her back against the table right next to him, head thrown a bit back to be able to see his face.

He shook his head, faster than he prepared an adequate response. This wasn't about him, but still he made it seem like it was.

"I- I thought you would want to after what happened," he murmured and sipped on his juice to have something to do. "I prepared myself for the possibility so that-"

_So that it hurts less._

"Either you're a fool or you're actually trying to make it look as if it was my intention. You want it to be my intention? Is it because of the company? Nobody should be forced to be next to people they can't stand, and I'm pretty sure…" Suddenly the big eyes focused on him, widened and Wonhee stared. "I'm pretty sure that you like me a lot."

Hyungwon swallowed, fumbling with his hands and forgetting all about the professionalism that he had wanted to keep up so badly. Wonhee was right, she was perfectly right about him liking her a lot and still he wasn't able to get the message across and ended up making her believe that his worst fear was his desire.

_You don't, you don't want to break the deal._

He kept holding Wonhee's gaze until he realised that she wasn't really looking at him, but past his cheek, staring at something or somebody that took all the life out of her features.

_You promised to keep her safe._

Hyungwon smiled widely and reached out to brush a strand of hair away from Wonhee's cheek. He didn't quite touch her, giving her the space that she must have needed while still being affectionate.

"I do," he replied and stepped a little closer to be able to stand in between Wonhee and the man that he wanted to keep her away from.

_Ignore him until it becomes impossible._

His comment must've been so shocking that Wonhee removed her gaze from her ex-boyfriend and looked at him, mouth slightly parted and looking at a loss for words. "Hyungwon, I-"

"Are you living together or something? Did she finally let you have a taste or are you still trying?" the low voice commented as the dude stepped into their vision and pulled out car keys. "Hey baby, look what your dad gave me. He said he hopes that you and I will get back together. Isn't it weird considering you are dating that…?"

_There he goes again, trying to make himself feel superior._

"My name is Hyungwon," he replied and gave Mark a brief glance over. "And luckily Wonhee and her dad have different preferences in men. Might be a little unpleasant otherwise."

_He must be talking to her family on his own._

"She didn't let you, did she? I told him I want to marry you and he was so happy. It's amazing how easy it is to talk to him compared to you. So are you going to stay silent? Why didn't you text me back? I hate that."

_That fucker-_

Wonhee stepped out of his shielding position and clenched her fists before letting one of her hands travel along his arm to his shoulder. "Yeah, he's going to get everything you didn't and you can go fuck the new car."

Hyungwon fought hard with his initial response and managed to remain perfectly composed, as if it wasn't surprising for Wonhee to make herself vulnerable by saying he could have something that another man could not.

_Because this is what must frustrate him the most._

"You must have somehow forgotten the fact that it takes two consenting people to marry," he pointed out and curled his arm around Wonhee's waist, waiting just a bit before actually resting his fingers on the black fabric of her dress. His heart was beating like a drum in his chest and his muscles remained tense in case Mark was somebody who lost his cool easily.

_You cannot let her get hurt. She's been through enough._

"I guess you're not familiar with that family, because it's not about who she wants to marry, it's about who will benefit the family business more and it's me. She'll just play a little bit and come back to me because that's what she has to do. Enjoy it as long as it lasts, ladies." Mark looked angry, glancing between his hand and Wonhee's body that perfectly fit in his arm, one of her own arms curled around his waist, squeezing briefly.

Smirking as if he won something, the asshole turned the keys around his finger and walked towards Wonhee's parents that he noticed after a second glance.

_He's wrapping them around his fingers like that key because he has something to offer._

"I can't believe he's using your family to get the upper hand," he murmured and subconsciously pulled Wonhee closer until he realised and immediately made sure to give her some space. "He thinks he can pressure you like this, but you mustn't let him, Wonhee."

_She needs something that he fears, something that makes him understand it's futile._

"I-" Wonhee started but stopped abruptly, glancing past him before she exhaled roughly, pressing her lips together and began walking somewhere, pulling him along by the grip on his wrist. It was a bit scary because he could see people watching as Wonhee deadass went around the new car that was displayed on a podium, opening the door and climbing into the backseat, expecting him to do the same.

"Wonhee," he whispered, not sure what to do and rather overwhelmed by the attention. It was probably better inside and he didn't want Wonhee to be alone with what she was doing, so he finally climbed into the backseat next to her and closed the door. "The car… won't go anywhere. Is that okay with you?"

_You sound so stupid right now, but what if she isn't feeling stable?_

Suddenly the black eyes caught his gaze and it resembled a gorgeous cat that slowly came closer, creating so much tension that he was barely able to breathe.

"I'm not stupid. At least not that stupid. I know it's on display, but I don't fucking care." The gorgeous woman reached for the seam of her dress and pulled it up pretty high, making him blush and look up before she grabbed the leather fabric of the back seat next to his head and settled on his lap. "Were you lying?" she asked, leaning in so close that he could feel the exhales against his lips and how the warm body felt on his thighs through the fabric of his suit pants.

"A-about what?" he stuttered and tried his best to consider the ceiling of the car fascinating. It did look fancy and seemed to have a large window that could be opened, but it still wasn't enough to forget the feel of Wonhee's body on top of him and the flowery scent that drowned out the smell of new car.

_Does she want to escape or to provoke? Which is it?_

"When you said that you like me a lot," she whispered, moving her hips towards his groin and pushing her naked knees into the new leather. "Were you?"

_She could tell that you meant it, every bit of it._

He swallowed once again, still attempting to stare at the ceiling. It didn't work when Wonhee shifted again and Hyungwon found himself face to face with her beautiful, round face. She was gorgeous, everything about her and he couldn't help a moment of awe that somebody like her was willing to be this close to him, inside the prototype car at her parents' launch event.

_What if your reply makes it difficult for her to stay away from you? What if that is what she wanted, but out of pity she will remain close?_

"Can you promise me… that you won't force yourself to stay next to me if I make you feel just as helpless as he does? I... don't want to be a person like that." His voice was no louder than a whisper. He knew that his question entailed the answer, but he still wanted to be sure. He wanted Wonhee to feel safe with him, the way she had before.

_She might feel safe, but she won't want to be this close to you as soon as she knows._

"I tried to stay away from you, but it doesn't work. It just doesn't fucking work because I can't stop thinking about you. That's why I need to know if you mean it or if it's just me projecting my desire onto you like this." Wonhee licked over her curved mouth and leaned in, placing a kiss against his forehead before meeting his gaze, a bit shaken at her own action and waiting for his reaction.

_Does she really feel this way?_

It seemed so difficult to believe, like a movie that he had somehow ended up in, playing a role that society didn't want him to have.

_But you want it so badly._

"I mean it," he replied truthfully, voice trembling because he knew that the white lie was still there, hiding in between them and waiting for the moment to come out and suffocate him and his developing feelings.

"I think I'm going to combust, fuck." The delicate palms lifted from the headrest and cupped his face before he felt Wonhee's warm fingers travel back, raking through his hair, accompanied by another shift of the soft hips. He could see Wonhee move closer, slowly, gaze jumping from his eyes to his lips.

_She's going to kiss you, Hyungwon. She's about to kiss you._

Wonhee's dark eyes fluttered shut and only the burning sensation of the soft, cloud-like lips touching his own remained. Hyungwon's eyes widened at first as he tried to comprehend whether he was dreaming or Wonhee had genuinely decided to kiss him. Was it for show? For everybody else to see or did she mean it the way he did?

_But she said she fears to project her desires onto you, her desire to kiss you. Nobody can see you now._

At first he didn't respond, scared that it would end as soon as he did. But Wonhee kept kissing him with enough intention to make him dizzy and after a few seconds had passed, he carefully parted his lips and kissed back. His hands lifted from the leather and rested on Wonhee's lower back without applying too much pressure. It felt so good to kiss, as if each moment a lightning bolt spread throughout his body and produced a bursting sensation in his lower body.

_Is this what it feels like to kiss for the sake of kissing?_

It was so much at once, the delicate fingers raking through his hair, grabbing a few locks and applying a bit of pressure, the soft and warm body that shifted on his lap again and the warm lips that were kissing him. Really kissing him as if that was exactly what the gorgeous woman wanted.

After a few seconds Wonhee parted her lips, sucking his bottom lip into her curved mouth and rolling it over her hot tongue.

Hyungwon exhaled and it sounded so much like a soft moan that he surprised himself, breathless from Wonhee's kisses and the way they made him feel. Everything about her was driving him mad, her lips, her hands in his hair, the weight of her body. He wanted it all to stay and even though it couldn't have been more than a dream, he didn't want to wake up from it.

Suddenly, it stopped and Wonhee leaned back staring at him. He could recognise the blush on her cheeks even in the dark car and how her chest rose and fell quickly.

"You liar," she whispered, shifting on top of him.

Hyungwon stared, unable to form a coherent sentence as the blood was pounding in his lips, reminding him that just a moment ago they had been touching the curved ones in front of him.

He didn't say a word, because the longer he observed Wonhee and the broken moment between them, the more apparent it became that she was right. He was a liar, a liar that hadn't told her the truth and hoped to be close to her for just a little while longer, just as manipulative as the men she was trying to escape.

It was only a matter of time for the disgust to appear, for Wonhee to climb off his lap and tell him to get the fuck out of the car and to never get anywhere near her again. Hyungwon was already playing the little film in his head, over and over again to get used to it.

He felt terrified and barely able to look at Wonhee's face, anticipating the changes, but at the same time there was a hint of relief, just big enough to keep him from tearing up.

_At least she knows now._


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 5

_Your life is so messed up._

She had promised herself to stay composed, to keep her cool, not say anything of what she had been thinking all those days, feeling lonely, helpless and like a fucking idiot.

_You still feel like a fucking idiot. It seems like it’s not something that you can escape easily._

There was a difference between being an idiot and being an idiot with a secret she couldn’t share with anybody, because somehow, even though her best friend paid the contract fee, she didn’t know that she was shamelessly getting close to the person who probably only wanted to do his job. That’s how Hyungwon was, but at the same time, the calmness, care and constant respect that he showed towards her made her like him even more.

_Does it even matter? You couldn’t tell anybody about feeling like crap because it sounds ridiculous as soon as you start._

What could she have said when Yeojoo called and asked her how it was going? That it wasn’t going well because she was fucking hooked but at the same time hurt by how the man she liked had thrown her around in an attempt to teach her to fight back? Even though it was his fucking job to accompany her to events and act out her boyfriend and not to have her around his hips and hoping to have more of him.

_You keep thinking about how it felt to sit on his lap and you want to do it again even though you actually hate it. Are you okay?_

She was definitely not okay before and she was even less okay as soon as the handsome face appeared in front of her. Hyungwon looked guilty even though he shouldn’t have been. Sure, she had felt like shit, but it was mostly her fault, wasn’t it? She was the one who had been reckless, forgetting about the fact that Hyungwon was a person who should’ve done his job and not visited her at her apartment, not held her to comfort her but also not thrown her out of the blue.

_You trusted him too much, that’s why you were so surprised._

It was too much trust and certainly unprofessional behaviour from her side that made the gorgeous man uncomfortable and unable to act according to what he wanted.

_How can you expect anybody to act genuinely if they’re paid for what they’re doing with you? Stop kidding yourself, Wonhee._

That didn’t work. She couldn’t breathe just looking at Hyungwon’s antics. She got so fucking angry at Mark, at the event and at her family not giving a shit about what she actually wanted that she ended up climbing into the display car and taking Hyungwon along. There was no plan or anything that she wanted to show anybody. There was just her desire to be close, the brief glimpse of what might have been Hyungwon’s true feelings and the need to sit on that warm lap again, wrap her arms around the delicate neck and taste those lips. Feel if there was anything, if it would burn, or if she was the only one burning. Like an idiot.

_You were._

It was hard to describe how it felt to have the soft lips against hers, how they gave in, how the tingling turned into fear that she was doing something Hyungwon didn't want, right until he kissed back, carefully with a hint of hesitation. The hand on her lower back sent a burning, like a firework along her thighs to the centre. It was as intense as those lips were delicious and she shifted closer, as close as possible, feeling everything at once, everything but…

_He… doesn't really want it, does he?_

She loved the reaction, the lack of the usual grabbing, attempts to pull her over to get some friction, no tongue in her mouth even though she didn't go there yet. It was perfect but at the same time…

_It kind of means that he doesn't want you._

She didn't want to lean back, she didn't want to stop and she hated herself for it, but she needed to. Their relationship wasn't equal. She was the one who made it into a service that she booked, so she had to be the one to take responsibility.

"You liar," she whispered, barely able to breathe from the desire to lean back in and taste more.

Hyungwon didn't reply, but somehow he looked scared, as if Wonhee had discovered something terrible by calling him a liar. As if her knowing that he didn't want this as much as she did was terrifying.

"That- that isn't something I can apologize for," the black-haired man whispered and Wonhee could see his lips tremble. Admitting to not being interested in somebody shouldn't have been this frightening. "It's a choice I made myself, so I cannot deny it by apologizing."

Hyungwon's words were difficult to understand, just like his gestures and the sheer fear in his gaze. Liking somebody wasn't a choice and definitely not something that required an apology, but still Hyungwon spoke of having made a choice. The black-haired man didn't dare look at her, but couldn't help it once in a while, stealing a glance before looking away and waiting.

"Why would you apologize? I can't force you to like me, can I? I guess I would if I could." She chuckled and threw her head back, pushing her hips into Hyungwon's groin. It was so obvious that it was a one woman show and that she was the only one who liked it.

_Pathetic bitch._

"You-" Hyungwon's eyes widened and his hands travelled from her lower back to her shoulders, as if he was worried she might decide to run away. Even though that was the last thing on her mind. "You think I lied about liking you? But- I can barely breathe because of your kisses, hoping that you won't stop. I- I thought you stopped because you realised I'm not what you want."

_What?_

"You make no fucking sense, Hyungwon. I don't make any sense either, but at this point I'm sure that it's worse with you. You don't want me to stop? I know you're caring and respectful, but I feel like a fucking animal next to you, ravishing you in my dad's new car because you need the money and can't say anything against it and it makes me feel weird and even though I'm good at doing things that suck I really don't want to be like that. I'm sorry if I made you feel bad." She returned her gaze and was overwhelmed by the gorgeous face. She couldn't be sure but it looked like there was a blush on Hyungwon's cheeks.

_You're so gone, Wonhee._

"I'm not doing this for the money," Hyungwon replied and swallowed, he looked genuine and the way his hands applied just enough force to have her a little closer supported the impression. "I'm pretending for the money, but this- this isn't pretending and I just don't know what to do. I'm a shit kisser too, God."

_Is it an excuse?_

"How would I know if you haven't kissed me yet?" She leaned forward and licked her lips right next to Hyungwon's mouth. "Show me. Show me how bad of a kisser you are. If you really want to."

Big eyes met hers and Wonhee struggled to read Hyungwon's expression and figure out what was going on inside the man's head. A few seconds passed during which those big hands caressed her back and played with the fabric of her dress.

Licking over his lips briefly, Hyungwon must have suddenly decided as his gaze became more determined and an arm carefully wrapped around her waist. There was still enough space to move back if she wanted to, even when those plump lips brushed over her own.

"Three," the forest voice whispered and Hyungwon caressed her lower back with his long fingers.

"Two." Again warm lips briefly brushed over her own as the firm hold stabilised her further on his lap.

"One." Plump lips covered her own and Hyungwon roughly exhaled through his nose before tilting his head.

There was something inexperienced to the kiss, how the black-haired man seemed unsure whether to lead or give her the upper hand, how he kept switching between applying more pressure or moving back. Every second screamed uncertainty but desperation as fingers tightened in her dress the longer they kissed and the more breathless Hyungwon became.

_Why is this so fucking good?_

She basically melted into the kiss, humming before a breathy moan left her lips and she rolled her hips into Hyungwon's groin, grabbing his face with both palms and carefully licking into his mouth. It was so delicious that she couldn't get enough, she didn't want to stop. What if there was another misunderstanding? But in that instant only Hyungwon's desire to kiss her remained between them.

The black-haired man must have enjoyed the motion of her hips because he moaned softly, even if Wonhee still couldn't tell by herself. Lips parted to let her taste more and Hyungwon let himself be led, following whichever direction she decided for the kiss. It felt unusual to be in charge, but Wonhee enjoyed it so much. Simply because this one kiss had something she had never experienced before. The complete lack of pressure that she felt to do certain things.

"Why do you feel so good, huh?" she whispered, briefly leaning back to check the expression on Hyungwon's face.

The beautiful man looked dizzy, eyes fluttering shut repeatedly and cheeks a gorgeous pink.

"Because-" Hyungwon gasped for air and pulled her closer. "Because you are showing me what you like. I'm not sure if I'm learning, but I'm trying. You're so breath-taking, Wonhee."

"You can't say things like that when I can't fucking pull myself away from you, making out with you at my parents' event in the car that's actually on display." Wonhee felt her skin tingle and realized how quickly she reacted to Hyungwon's actions. "You're making me dizzy."

A smile spread Hyungwon's slightly swollen lips and he let his fingers dance over her back and up to her face, cupping it carefully. Wonhee loved how he finally took some initiative and dared to touch her.

"You're lucky I haven't fainted yet," he remarked and chewed on his lips bashfully. "Being intimate is vulnerable, I'm sorry for getting so close at a place like this."

"Great. Now I have to apologize too, to not seem like an asshole?" She grinned and shifted on top of the warm thighs. "Yeah, I guess we need to leave even though… I don't want to. But… are you busy after this?"

_You're being inconspicuous as fuck. Congratulations._

"I- wasn't really busy, but even if I was I'd probably claim that I wasn't. Priorities and all." Hyungwon chuckled and helped her off his lap and next to him on the leather. It felt a little weird after having made out only moments ago. "I didn't know how long the event would be, so I just assumed I'd be here the whole evening and drive you home if you need me to."

"There's a driver this time. I couldn't take my car." She felt a bit weird, pulling down her dress and fixing her hair, but the most important was makeup and she had probably ruined it, so she foolishly crawled towards the drivers seat, basically putting her ass right in front of Hyungwon's face, just to check her face in the mirror and fix the bit of lipstick on the side. When she crawled back, Hyungwon was chewing on his cheek and seemed to fight with himself.

"Would you… like me to help you with that?"

_That?_

"Uhm, what exactly do you mean by 'that'?" she asked, wondering if the way she felt had been that obvious. The black-haired man looked stunning, with blush covered cheeks, his long hair that was perfect for the shape of his face and some of her lipstick on his bottom lip. She thought about leaving it, but it was too visible.

Hyungwon looked embarrassed and wiped his hands over his fancy pants. They shouldn't walk out of that car looking like two teenagers at prom after making out in the bushes.

"Ehm, with your… makeup. I could- fix it with what you have in your bag. I also have something if necessary, but it's pretty basic. Will it make you feel better when you leave the car?"

"I thought it would be worse, but I stained you." Wonhee winked and leaned in, rubbing the lipstick from Hyungwon's bottom lip before feeling unable to continue due to having shit for brains and catching the plump lips with her mouth. "Fuck," she murmured.

Hyungwon echoed her curse and returned the kiss immediately, licking over her lips and pulling her close. A few seconds passed with them attached to each other like two animals until Hyungwon finally moved back and chuckled, voice breathy. "Now you probably have to fix it again."

She wanted to reply something but the face of a staff member and his fist knocking against the glass caught her off guard and she quickly wiped the lipstick from Hyungwon's mouth, panicking a bit.

"I actually wanted to come here to piss off my dad, but then you happened to be here and it escalated." Wonhee fixed her dress and let Hyungwon leave first before grabbing the big hand and stepping out with a smile. None of it was pretence because she was beaming, seeing the gorgeous face and those big eyes focused on her.

_You're hopeless._

There were a few eyes on them, but they didn't look very judgmental.

_Status, huh?_

"Look at them not slut shaming me because I have shares," she commented before walking back to one of the tables. She hated it and hoped it would be over soon so she could leave. Preferably home. Preferably with Hyungwon.

"Just wondering," Hyungwon murmured and handed her a glass of champagne that he must have gotten from one of the waiters. He had gotten a glass of juice for himself. "How likely is it that they take you entering the car as an advertisement because you are beautiful and chose it for kissing me? I'm not too familiar with how this works, only with how to blend in."

"You're cute. But thinking about it, they might think of it as some planned gig." Now that she knew how Hyungwon's lips tasted, it was torture to hold herself back.

_Do you have to?_

"What kind of things would you get in trouble for? Is there… I don't know a list or something?" she asked, sipping on her champagne and staring at Hyungwon's neck and mouth shamelessly.

"Usually there is a rather long list. Giving you… my actual phone number is definitely on it, but…" Hyungwon trailed off and raked through his hair, a hint of awkwardness returning. "But because I'm supposed to be your boyfriend for this, a lot of them don't apply. Our contracts also don't state anything apart from not abusing the monetary dependency and not stalking each other outside of event time. So… yeah." The tall man quickly grabbed his juice and emptied it.

"So if there happens to be an article with a picture of… let's say… A kiss." Wonhee followed his example, emptied the glass of champagne and placed it on the table, a bit disturbed by Mark's fuck face, visibly staring at them from the bar. "Would you get shit from them?"

Hyungwon grinned suddenly and the sight was so charming that Wonhee contemplated not even waiting for his reply.

"I'm your boyfriend, aren't I? Why would I get shit for kissing you?"

_It's as if he knows how to get to you._

"Sounds about right."

The sight made her incredibly happy and she didn't even care as much when she saw the disgusting face of her ex boyfriend coming closer as she took one step towards Hyungwon, curling her fingers around his big hand and lifting on her toes to reach the plump mouth that she kissed without hesitation.

_You keep thinking that you can't be feeling this way about him, but you do. Every time._

This time it was different. The soft lips gave in, so warm and feeling just right and this time, the kiss wasn't laced with desperation and need, but she did it consciously, out of her wish to be affectionate with Hyungwon and to not bother about anybody else.

She could feel Hyungwon's lips spread slightly, smiling into the kiss, and his arms wrap around her body. He stabilized her and leaned down just enough to make it easier for her to kiss him, showing that he enjoyed the touch just as much as she did. The confidence with which he did it was new, but Wonhee was too focused on the kiss itself to think about its source.

_Because he makes you feel as if nothing else exists._

It was so different from Mark. Pretty much the opposite. Whenever she had to see his face or hear his voice, that asshole managed to pull her out of whatever situation or thought she was dealing with and focus all the attention on him, making her freeze in place and feel so fucking helpless.

Humming quietly, she leaned back and opened her eyes slowly. "I don't want to be here," she murmured. "Come home with me."

Hyungwon didn't reply, but he nodded and loosened his grip around her body in order to offer her his hand. "I- I would love to."

"How can you just leave if your dad is literally the next speaker?" The voice that made her feel utter disgust spoke right next to them before she could see how angry Mark looked.

_He probably saw you kiss him and can't believe you can like anybody but him. Arrogant piece of shit._

Wonhee was wondering how Hyungwon felt about being constantly caught in between her mental ex boyfriend and her trying not to talk to him.

"You want to marry him, so you stay and watch," she murmured and looked back at Hyungwon.

She could tell from the expression on his face that he wanted to make sure that was what she wanted. Fingers squeezed her hand briefly as Hyungwon plastered on a mask of confidence and nonchalance, seemingly unbothered by Mark. It was impressive.

_He's a professional indeed._

"Did she tell you how long you can date? Two or three months? Because I still don't believe that she'll let you score and her parents will never support anything without a background."

_That fucker._

"Oh my god, you must be so butt hurt. You can go to the car if you need to cry, it has tinted windows, but I got wet on the backseat, so be careful."

_Where's the lie though?_

Mark's expression gave her a bit of satisfaction but still didn't make up for the stress, so she grabbed Hyungwon's arm, and pulled him towards the exit.

"I should have said something," Hyungwon murmured when they were almost out the door. "But I just can't follow his thinking. He makes it sound like the goal of a relationship is sex. Shouldn't a one-night stand satisfy him then? Why put the effort into an emotional connection he doesn't appreciate?"

_Yeah, right?_

"Well, he was sad because he put in effort and didn't get what he expected, but he also can't step back because he's borderline obsessive and I should be calling the cops on him, but his daddy knows too many cops, so he'll just get another confidence boost, thinking he's invincible. There isn't much left for me apart from staying away and being a bit disgusted every time he appears in front of my face. I'm unable to do anything apart from being provocative with what I say to not feel vulnerable and as if his words get to me, so I keep doing that. He told me I'm malfunctioning and should visit a therapist. Says the one with the personality disorder. It’s hilarious." She sighed, realizing that she talked and shared way too much especially considering that they arrived at the car and the driver got out to open the door for her and that she was about to take Hyungwon home like in some bad sugar mommy scenario.

_He makes you feel so good, that's why you keep wanting to have him close. This week was torture._

"He-" Hyungwon hesitated and waited until both of them were in the backseat and the door closed. "He is living off his superiority. We need to show him somehow that he isn't going to accomplish anything with it. No matter how much he talks to your parents, threatens you and ends up in front of your apartment. He- he won't get what he wants. We won't let him."

The last sentence was spoken quickly, right before the driver got into the car to drive them to her apartment.

"When I told you that you can call me anytime," Hyungwon whispered, quiet enough to remain between them but still loud enough as it vibrated against her ear. "I meant it. I'll be there, Wonhee. If you want me to."

_Trying to feel better by having somebody else next to you, huh?_

"I really… I really really like you," she muttered in reply and leaned against the preheated leather seats, keeping her gaze on Hyungwon before telling the driver where to drive her.

"I like you too," Hyungwon breathed out in reply, but he didn't look at her as he did, gaze focused on his hands. "I just don't want to disappoint you. I'm fit for pretence, but not much else."

_What is he so scared of?_

Suddenly she remembered how the black-haired man told her that he couldn't apologize because it was something that he had chosen for himself. It had been a misunderstanding, but what had Hyungwon meant?

"I'm acting like a spoiled sugar mommy, so how much worse could it be?" she chuckled, remembering just in time that they weren't alone. "You are making me feel like a human being for once, Hyungwon. I'm not sure that I deserve it, but I want to have more."

Finally, the tall man lifted his gaze from his hands and smiled at her. It looked genuine, but also a little sad.

"You deserve so much more than that, Wonhee. Everybody should be treated like a human being, it shouldn't be something special, not the reason you want to be with me. There are so many people that offer much more than I ever could." Hyungwon reached out for her hand and stroked over the back of it, touch tender and careful. "If being taken care of is what you need, then you can have it all. That is something I hope I am capable of."

_He doesn't get it._

"I want you, Hyungwon. It's not a reason for wanting to be with you, it's simply the way it is. You make me feel cared for and important, but the conclusion is that I want you. No matter what."

_You're literally freaking him out after making out once, are you okay?_

She chewed on her lips and turned to look out of the window, watching as they approached her apartment building. "So… would you like to come home with me?"

Hyungwon nodded and squeezed her hand briefly without elaborating any further. He appeared in thought, but Wonhee couldn't tell whether his thoughts were positive or negative concerning her impromptu confession a moment ago.

She still thought about those words, how Hyungwon didn't want to apologise for something that he had chosen for himself, but it didn't seem like the right moment to ask. She was being blatantly obvious, but at the same time, she figured that the black-haired man was hesitant about getting close. Maybe that's why she felt so attracted to him.

_Bullshit. You know dudes who just act out a lack of interest just to get your trust and take advantage of it as soon as the moment comes._

Wonhee really hoped that the person next to her wasn't like that, but one could never know, right?

_But you still want to be alone with him, to see what happens when you are, what he will do, what he wants to do and whether you feel the same._

_Worst case, he'll want to fuck you, you'll be a disappointment as usual and then you will really have to keep your distance. You need to know if you can trust him._

As soon as they stopped in front of her apartment and the driver opened the door, she climbed out, waiting for Hyungwon to join her and walking past the security towards the elevator, where she pushed the button and waited for the doors to close.

_What is he thinking?_

"Are you scared?" she asked, observing as Hyungwon pulled the skin between his fingers, not looking at her.

"A little," Hyungwon replied with a smile and let his hands fall to his sides, eyes focused on her. "It must be obvious."

"Mhm. I'm wondering what you're thinking." The doors opened and she left, quickly unlocking her door and slipping out of those horrible shoes first thing. Maybe Hyungwon thought she was going to push him against the wall and do all those things he didn't like. It was a little ridiculous, so she turned to the tall man and started walking towards him slowly.

_Why do you always have to provoke?_

Hyungwon's eyes widened and he paused in the middle of taking off his leather shoes, observing her without saying a single word.

"I'm… wondering whether drinking tea in your kitchen is one of the things you plan on doing or if I'm a weirdo for even suggesting it," the black-haired man mumbled finally and brushed through his long hair. He looked overdressed now what they were at her apartment, and some of that confidence he displayed at the event was gone.

_Drinking tea?_

"You're so good at making me think that I have the attractiveness of a washed out sock. You want to drink tea?" She couldn't help but laugh at the adorable antics before reaching for a ribbon that was hanging from Hyungwon's shirt and thought that she would be able to tug at it, but it just untied, revealing some of the golden skin on Hyungwon's chest.

_Wow, you're an idiot._

"Ehm-" Hyungwon muttered nervously and covered the area with his hand while observing her face, as if there was something to hide. Only when she apparently didn't do whatever he thought she might, the big hand returned to the second leather shoe to slip out of it. Once he was done, Hyungwon finally stood up and stood right in front of her, towering several centimetres above her now that she wasn't wearing her heels. "I don't consider you unattractive. I just don't know shit, Wonhee."

_He doesn't know shit? But what does it mean? He's inexperienced?_

Now that Hyungwon was standing in front of her with part of his chest uncovered, Wonhee couldn't help but stare at it. Especially since it was basically right in front of her eyes. His skin was a gorgeous tone and there wasn't any hair on his chest. His nipple was dark and tiny and so pretty that she stared like a creep until she realized that there was a thin line around it. It must have been a scar.

_Did he have surgery?_

She lifted her index finger and was about to trace the pretty line, before stopping herself in time and slowly glancing up, realizing how close they were and that she was about to touch somebody without asking first. "Can I touch it?" she murmured, feeling the heat in her cheeks.

_He's so attractive._

Hyungwon seemed surprised by her question and reached out, long fingers carefully wrapping around her wrist. He didn't push her away, but he didn't pull her hand closer either.

_He probably thinks that you've lost your fucking mind._

"Do you… really want to?" he asked in disbelief.

_What?_

"Do I look like I'm joking?" She licked over her lips and stared back at those big eyes. Was Hyungwon trying to show her that he didn't want it, or was he just shy about being touched? She couldn't tell. "I didn't… undress you on purpose, but now that I've seen it, I want to touch. If you're okay with it of course."

Hyungwon nodded slowly and used his grip on her wrist to carefully pull her hand towards his chest, allowing her fingers to brush over the scar line that was only a little firmer compared to the skin around it. The tall man was holding his breath, eyes focused on her face as her fingers roamed over his chest the way he led her. He seemed scared somehow, as if he was scared of her reaction.

"I didn't think you would really want to touch it. It's just- a scar to you," he suddenly whispered as his grip loosened around her wrist, allowing her to move by herself.

_You're a bit too into it, aren't you?_

She ignored the thought and chewed on her lips, brushing over the golden skin with her fingertips, swallowing when she allowed herself to stroke over Hyungwon's tiny nipple. "You are… so incredibly attractive, Hyungwon."

_You're touching him but isn't it selfish? Didn't you tell him about mutual experiences?_

Wonhee wrapped her fingers around Hyungwon's wrist and pulled the big hand towards her chest. "Would you like to touch me too?"

She could see Hyungwon swallow, without recognizing his Adam's apple. It was unusual but she didn't think about it for longer than a second. The tall man looked so nervous, eyes unable to remain with one feature of her face and hands shaking slightly.

"Yeah," the low voice replied eventually. "May I?"

Hyungwon's hesitation was making her nervous, but she nodded and placed the big hand on one of her collarbones, letting it travel towards her chest. It felt so good, not the usual kind that made her worried and alert, but the exciting kind. She wondered what Hyungwon would do, whether he liked touching her.

_His skin is so warm._

She stepped closer, making Hyungwon lean against the wall and didn't wait longer, brushing over the tiny nipple, teeth biting her own lips because she wanted to close them around it so badly.

_He's beautiful._

Hyungwon gasped and the sound was so gorgeous that she immediately wanted to hear it again, playing it on repeat like her favourite track. Those long fingers were hesitant at first as they caressed her collarbone, stroking along its full length. Her dress was cut in such a way that Hyungwon had perfect access and even though he was moving towards the curve of her breast gradually, Wonhee could tell that he liked touching her, that it sped up his breaths and made him dizzy.

"Your skin is so soft," he whispered and let his fingers dance over the outer curve of her right breast towards her solar plexus before repeating the same motion with the left one. He was so careful and didn't try to grab or undress her further. Maybe Hyungwon seemed to be overwhelmed by how little she was offering him.

_As usual. But at least he doesn't try to take it._

"Yours too. I keep thinking about how it might taste," she murmured, letting her eyes flutter shut because of the tender touches. Her body moved forward all by itself until she felt Hyungwon's hips against hers, and again there was nothing else, no pressure, no attempt to get friction from her or twitches, just the warm skin, the sensation of the body next to her that made her let out a breathy moan.

"You… can if you want to," Hyungwon replied softly and wrapped his left arm around her waist to hold her close, fingers drawing circles on her lower back. His right hand remained on her chest, never slipping below the fabric of her dress. Again he tensed up as if everything could be ruined depending on how she acted.

_Can you really?_

"Hyungwon?" she asked, lifting her gaze and leaning forward to place a kiss against the golden skin. She felt dizzy, overwhelmed by the delicious scent of vanilla and warm honey, almost forgetting about looking up and checking Hyungwon's reaction and whether it was okay for her to do it. She really wanted to know if he was sensitive, if he enjoyed it as much as she did.

_It feels strange, doesn't it? As if he's forced to do it because you take the lead._

Maybe, it was because she was being too quick with it, trying to find out if it was just another guy who wanted to fuck her before opening up and getting hurt once again. Maybe it was because she shouldn't have done it in the first place, trying to get closer despite the dependency relationship, or there was something she didn't know. Didn't understand. Something Hyungwon hadn't shared with her.

_Ask him._

She leaned back and wrapped her arms around Hyungwon's neck, scared that she would say something that might change that gaze, the way the black-haired man looked at her and breathed out those questions that were lingering on her mind since they've left the car.

"Why… did you say that you have nothing to apologize for when I called you a liar? It was a misunderstanding, but you said you made a decision and you won't apologize. I want to know why. Maybe it's the reason for me feeling like you don't want this as much as I do."

_You keep making this about yourself._

She wanted an answer, she wanted to know why it felt like Hyungwon was hesitating. Why his words and actions didn't match and why it didn't seem to be similar to any of her other encounters. She wanted to know so badly, but looking up and seeing the expression on the gorgeous face made her wish that she hadn't asked.

***

_Is all of this really happening?_

Warmth brushed over his ear, delicate fingers caressed his own and held on for the duration of the car ride. Curved lips told him that he was liked, that he was wanted and not for the singular reason of being caring and affectionate. All of it felt like a dream, a trance that he had fallen into and was drunkenly moving through until the veil would finally lift and the dream popped like a bubble. But it didn’t, not even after Wonhee’s voice uttered that she wanted to take him home.

_What does she mean? Does she have expectations that you mustn't go along with?_

Doors opened and they stumbled into an elevator, waiting for the doors to open again with the sound of a bell. Hyungwon was nervous, so nervous because the white lie was still there, floating between them and waiting for the right moment. Wonhee might be expecting them to continue where they left off in the car, to kiss and touch and explore each other's bodies in a way that Hyungwon wasn’t able to. There were so many things that could go wrong, so many points for disappointment and Hyungwon was terrified of each step that he walked towards.

_What if she rejects you and you'll have to pick yourself up from the ground all over again?_

Still, he went along. Wonhee opened her apartment door and both of them entered, slipping out of their shoes and misunderstanding each other once again because of his fear. Wonhee was beautiful, so breathtakingly beautiful. Everything about her was. Hyungwon loved the slightly smudged lipstick at the corners of her mouth, the short black hair that fell on her shoulders, the attentive eyes that observed him and seemed to wait for his next action, struggling to find out what was going on inside his head. He also loved Wonhee’s body, the way her curves were accentuated by the dress and how she seesawed up and down on her feet to recover from wearing high heels throughout the long evening. Hyungwon loved all of it, the little moles that covered her neck and décolleté, the scent of flowers that entered his nose as soon as she stepped closer.

Each of those things would have been enough to steal the air from his lungs, all on its own, but the combination was turning him into a nervous wreck. A wreck that was afraid of ruining his first experience of genuine affection from another person.

_Isn’t it your own fault? You are the one who didn’t tell her. It doesn’t matter whether she asked or not. Don’t you want to be yourself?_

Hyungwon had told Wonhee in the display car when she leaned back and misinterpreted his response as lack of interest. He had told her that he wasn’t able to apologize for who he is, because the decision was his own. It was his own conscious choice and there was nothing in the world that would want him to go back to the person he was before he made that choice.

_You are so afraid, but still she keeps moving closer and reaches out towards you._

The dream he was waiting to wake up from didn’t end, not after his pathetic attempt to de-escalate the situation and move away from the sexual and not when Wonhee reached out to pull at one of his ribbons and thereby uncovered half of his chest.

_Don’t let her see._

The thought was as quick as his hand that lifted from his leather shoes and covered the part of his chest that was uncovered, the part that told a story of its own. He didn’t want Wonhee to see, but the reason was a detestable one. Hyungwon simply didn’t want her to turn away from him, to stop treating him the way she did. It was only a matter of time until she would understand and lose her interest in him, but he didn’t want that time to come. At least not yet.

_You are pathetic for denying who you are because you want her affection._

He observed the expression on Wonhee’s face, the lack of understanding of the way he reacted, but also no attempt to call him out for it or to remove his hand.

_How can you keep showing her a fake self, if what you want the most is for her to like you the way you are?_

He swallowed, still observing her beautiful face and waiting for a change that didn’t come. Even if Wonhee couldn’t understand his reasons for being the way he is, wasn’t he living in pretense by denying the opportunities that came?

_It is one thing to remain silent without an opportunity, but it is another to deny the opportunity when it arises._

Holding his breath, Hyungwon removed his hand from the exposed area of his chest and waited. He waited for Wonhee to see and to understand, for her to ask questions that he was going to answer truthfully. He also waited for the rejection that was undoubtedly going to follow because it always did. Humans grew up with their expectations of what constitutes normality and Hyungwon simply didn’t fit into that normality.

_You will have to deal with it. You dealt with it so many times already._

The difference was that he rarely got this involved with anybody, that they dared to be close, to kiss him even before they knew. He hadn't been this close to anybody since he decided to become his real self.

Standing in front of Wonhee with the scars on his chest visible, Hyungwon waited for her understanding, for her sudden realization and the question that was undoubtedly going to come.

_It always comes and you will say the truth._

He was prepared, meeting Wonhee's, gaze and showing her whatever there was to see, but instead of the question he expected there was another one. The woman in front of him didn’t want to know what he was, why he had scars, asking him why he was pretending to be something he wasn’t. No, the woman in front of him wanted to touch. She genuinely wanted to reach out and touch the scars on his chest and to roam her fingertips over his skin.

_But what if it feels different to her? What if she hates it and therefore hates you?_

The question was so unexpected that Hyungwon didn’t know what to do at first. He was scared of it being a trick, just a way to toy with his feelings for amusement. He waited for that too, but it didn’t happen either. Wonhee waited for his permission and even though he was scared he gave it, leading the delicate fingers towards his chest and controlling their movements until he felt strong enough to give Wonhee free reign.

_You're so scared, but you will never know unless you allow somebody close. You have to do it at least once to know how much it hurts and save yourself._

He liked it so much, how soft her fingers were when they caressed the area between his ribs and along the scar. He felt breathless when the touch reached the curve of his pec area and brushed over a nipple. All of it made him dizzy, dizzy with the need to return the favour, to touch Wonhee’s soft body and pull her close.

_You want to touch her instead, to save her the disappointment and you the fear._

Even when the beautiful woman read his thoughts and allowed him to return the gesture, to trace the curve of her breasts and let his fingers dance along the edges of her dress, Hyungwon still couldn’t believe that all of this was happening. Wonhee had seen his scars and didn’t reject him, she even desired to be close, to touch him and even be touched by him in return. The heat that developed between them was making him dizzy and when Wonhee’s fingers brushed over one of his nipples he couldn’t help a low gasp, still disbelieving that this was happening, that they were touching because Wonhee wanted to be close to him.

Curved lips leaned in and pressed a soft kiss right onto his solar plexus. Wonhee was so careful, treating him as a treasure with her lips and her arms that wrapped around his neck. Even the way she spoke his name forced goose bumps to cover his whole body, fingers shakily holding onto her waist as he waited for her to speak.

“Why… did you say that you have nothing to apologize for when I called you a liar?” the soft voice asked him, melody continuing beyond the sentence, but he wasn’t able to focus on the words.

_Because you made the choice to be who you really are._

His face must have changed because Wonhee looked guilty, apologetic even for asking in the first place. She shouldn't have felt guilty for trying to understand, after all, she didn't know the consequences the truth usually had for Hyungwon.

This was the moment, the point at which he was given the chance to speak the truth and had to take it. Wonhee had gotten close enough while having expectations Hyungwon wasn't able to fulfil. It was only right that she had the choice to stop getting any closer if this wasn't what she wanted in the first place.

_You have to respect her decision, no matter how much it hurts._

"Because-" he swallowed, realising once again how much harder it was to tell somebody he cares about, "because my body is different from what you know, but the choice was mine".

Wonhee looked confused, wrapping her arms tighter around his neck. "Different? You mean because of those scars? I think they're pretty."

_She doesn't understand._

"Those too," he replied, wondering if he was being too cryptic. Even though he said it often enough when asked it felt strange to explain without a direct question.

_Just do it, Hyungwon. Otherwise it will hurt more later._

"I thought… you realised that I-" Again he swallowed and focused on their shoes that stood at the side. "That I don't get hard."

Those round eyes met his and Wonhee blinked a few times before swallowing. "We don't need to talk about this if you're uncomfortable about it, Hyungwon. Really."

"But I don't want to lie to you. White lies are also lies if they can hurt somebody," he murmured and couldn't help but embrace her tighter. Even though he was speaking the truth and expecting rejection he was so scared of it. He wanted to hold the moment longer, to have Wonhee pulled against his chest and the scent of flowers filling out his nose.

_You want to pretend that she won't get disappointed and you won't get hurt. You're lying to yourself all over again._

"I- I figured that it felt different and even though I expected you to react to me in a certain way and get aroused, I can assure you that I- I felt kind of relieved about your reaction, or the lack of it. It's a bit complicated." Swallowing once again, Wonhee looked down, staring at his chest. "I think that you don't consider me attractive, but I also feel good about your reaction. And about what you just told me… You don't need to. You really don't."

_Does she… mean it?_

Hyungwon struggled to understand how Wonhee was able to accept it so easily, to deal with it without asking him additional questions. There was no rejection, no matter how long he waited for it and only when he repeated Wonhee's words inside his head they finally began to make sense.

_She felt relieved, worried because you are a man, but relieved._

Staring at the top of Wonhee's head and how she kept her gaze focused on his chest, Hyungwon felt strange suddenly even though he had wanted acceptance all this time. This wasn't quite what he had hoped for but still it was much more than he probably deserved.

_She likes women, Hyungwon. She just doesn't understand that you aren't one._

Still, he smiled, thankful that Wonhee didn't expect him to talk further. "You are gorgeous to me, Wonhee," he murmured truthfully, aware that there was no way for the gorgeous woman to know otherwise. "And I know what you mean. Not feeling it means… less pressure, doesn't it?"

Wonhee smiled, slowly letting her hands travel down his shoulders and chest, resting the warm palms against his skin. "Can I sum up, because my brain is giving up on this and I'm not smart enough to follow. You think that I'm beautiful, but you don't get hard with me. I'm assuming that you have a different preference, which is okay. Just… please tell me, because I really don't want to do anything that you don't want. I promise that this will stay between us and that I will never let it influence the dependency relationship that we're actually in. Don't worry." Smiling briefly, Wonhee lifted on her toes and stroked over his hair before placing a kiss on his cheek and stepping back. There was blush on the round face that mirrored under Wonhee's collarbones, he could see the outline of her nipples through the dress and how her chest rose and fell, but still she stepped back, thinking he didn't want her.

_She misunderstood._

Feeling a little awkward, he stepped forward and brushed over the pink cheek, hoping to soften the reaction he was going to get.

_Will this fear ever disappear?_

"It's not a different preference, Wonhee. I… generally don't get hard. I can't." He swallowed and used his free hand to grasp Wonhee's soft palm and place it on top of his chest, waiting for her to feel the force of his heartbeat. "You... excite me."

_Can she feel the difference?_

A few seconds passed in complete silence and only those round black eyes caused small explosions in his middle as he waited for Wonhee's reaction.

"Honestly?" the pleasant voice murmured, before Wonhee licked over her curved lips and made a step towards him, pushing him further against the wall and connecting their bodies. "I don't understand what this is about, but I don't care. I don't want to do anything you dislike, and as long as you are fine with me being close to you, I will because I can't stop unless you want me to."

_She is still fine with being close to you?_

Hyungwon couldn't believe it, staring without saying a word while trying to wait for a change in reaction. It didn't come and he gasped after holding his breath for too long. Wonhee was so gorgeous and he was burning from the inside.

_What if she expects something you cannot give?_

Hyungwon was worried about that, feeling his hands shake, but he also didn't want to disappoint her.

"Can't you tell by how breathless I am?" he replied eventually and swallowed. "Do you… really not mind?"

Wonhee shook her head, brushing her thumb over his lips and slipping her thigh between his legs. "That you can't get hard? Not in the slightest. But are you still… aroused?" Licking over her pretty mouth once again, the black-haired woman shifted closer. "You could be breathless because you're uncomfortable and don't know what to do, that's why I'm careful. You said that you don't know shit, so I don't want to ruin… it."

_She's so caring even though she could have rejected you already. Why does this feel too good to be true?_

Hyungwon smiled at that, pulling the black-haired woman even closer and gasping at the sensation of warmth between his legs. Her thigh felt amazing and he could feel blood rush to his face and core.

_You're feeling so much._

"I'm burning from the inside," he whispered and dared to kiss Wonhee's cheek, brief and soft to not overstep the boundaries. "I still don't know shit, but that doesn't mean I don't know whether I want you. I do, just not what to do about it."

_You don't know how to act when it's intimate, how to treat the other person right. The mechanics mean nothing because you don't want to hurt her._

Next thing he knew was that Wonhee grabbed his wrist and pulled him along the long hallway, into the bedroom that he had been in before and that looked a little more messy than last time. Wonhee didn't bother to turn on the lights, pushing him on the bed and crawling on top of his lap without bothering about her dress that rode up her thighs. The bluish lights were illuminating her pretty face and parted lips and he couldn't get enough.

_She's too good for you. You will disappoint her._

"My brain is mush and I'm exhausted from thinking that you're gay and giving up wanting to have all of you because I have the feeling that you'll slip through my fingers the next second, so just show me what you like so I can stop asking myself whether you like or want me."

_You can't._

"W-what?" he stuttered, not even sure what to think or whether he was really thinking in the first place. His hands were quick to settle on Wonhee's thighs and stroke along the naked skin while he tried to figure out how to answer that question. He was fucking nervous because nobody had ever cared enough to ask him what he liked.

_They simply acted while you felt utterly disgusted by yourself._

"I- I'm pan," he gasped first even though that was completely besides the point, brain struggling to come up with his next words. "And I would like to please you instead, to show you how much I like you."

_You are too scared. You can't._

"You're a pan? What's pan? Shit- That- why do I suck so much at expressing myself when it's actually important?" Wonhee groaned and leaned forward, catching his lips and humming into the kiss as if she was about to melt. The kisses didn't stay on his mouth and travelled lower. He felt those lips on his neck, his collarbones, Wonhee's black hair that tickled his skin and the hot mouth as it closed around one of his nipples, sucking on it as the warm body settled further on top of his lap.

_This feels so good. She is able to numb your fear, even if it's only for a brief moment._

He moaned, distracted from whatever it was that he had wanted to say and his fear of being touching. Wonhee's mouth felt amazing and made him dizzy, eyes struggling to remain open and focus on what it was that she was blessing him with.

_Please let her stay with this. Then you might not disappoint her._

"I- I really like this," he moaned when a hint of teeth brushed over his nipple and sent what felt like electricity all the way to his groin.

"I like that you like it," Wonhee murmured before focusing her attention on his other nipple after pulling the fabric to the side. She traced the lines of his scars with her pink tongue, placed occasional kisses here and there and used teeth sometimes to make it feel more intense. When there was no way to shift away the fabric, she grabbed the seam and pulled it as far up as she could, staring at his stomach and chest. "You're gorgeous," Wonhee whispered before her lips attached to his skin again.

Hyungwon couldn't help the disbelief, not after detesting what he saw in the mirror for so many years. Now that he was satisfied with it, nobody has seen it.

_Because you are afraid that their reaction might destroy your acceptance of it._

"Do you mean it?" he whispered and glanced down at his flat stomach and the lines of definition that he had acquired through hard work. He loved his body, but he knew that nobody else was able to.

"You don't believe me? My underwear would prove you wrong." Wonhee leaned back and exhaled roughly, rolling her hips once. "I love how it feels to sit on your lap."

Hyungwon moaned softly as his hands travelled over Wonhee's thighs and caressed the skin a few centimetres below her dress, no more. It felt so good to touch her, everything was soft and tender about her while he was all edges. He wanted to cover every inch with his mouth and finally hear what it sounded like when Wonhee felt bliss.

_It would be so much better to please her, to prove yourself somehow without having to confront her with the way you are._

"I love how it feels when you sit on my lap," he replied with a smile and applied a little pressure to the round thighs. The weight on his bladder paired perfectly with his arousal and pulled another moan from his lips.

"Your voice is doing things to me. Don't you want to… touch me more?" Wonhee asked, breathless and so gorgeous with her round eyes that jumped from his eyes to his chest and over his body before settling on the spot where Wonhee was sitting on top of him. Licking over her mouth, she rolled her hips again, letting her hands roam his chest. "Just know that I feel weird asking you to touch me because people never ever ask me, but I can't help it because I can't think about anything else."

_She really wants to be touched by you._

"They should," he whispered and let his hands travel further up, covering more of Wonhee's thighs as her dress rode all the way up to her hips and he saw a hint of a black slip. He felt the edges of it below her hip bones and brushed over it before allowing his hands to roam Wonhee's dress-covered body instead. He caressed her sides, traced each of her ribs through the fabric and cupped her breasts before brushing over her nipples to see if she enjoyed the stimulation. "A touch is only pleasant when it is desired. I want to touch you so much, but you wanting it too makes it so much better."

The sight was overwhelming to say the least. A gorgeous woman sitting on his lap, having his hands roam over her body and curved lips parting in a moan that sounded so good that he wanted to hear it again.

_It feels like something you don't deserve._

"I know- I know that I'm literally a stranger to you and demanding and we haven't seen each other for a week, but you make me go completely crazy and I can't think. I want you. Fuck."

_You need to take over._

"Can I- make you feel good?" he asked and let his hands travel back down to Wonhee's thighs to show what he meant. He wanted to make her feel so good that there was nothing else on her mind, neither helplessness nor worries about not being desirable.

_You want to show her that it might not matter what kind of body you have, because you are able to please._

"That- depends on how you are planning on doing that." Suddenly the arousal and dizziness was almost completely wiped from the round face and Wonhee seemed alert, hands stopped in the middle of a motion and gaze focused on his face without a single blink in between.

_You scared her because she doesn't want to be hurt._

"In whichever way you like," he replied and purposefully kept his hands lower than Wonhee's dress while caressing her thighs. "I could use my hands, or my mouth or we could just kiss. I'm overwhelmed by having you so close to me already, so I'm happy with being close to you in any way."

_You didn't think you'd ever be able to, but she doesn't seem to be scared by your body. Not yet._

Wonhee kept silent for a long time, observing his face, before climbing off his lap. He thought that it must've been the moment he was fearing, but instead of telling him to leave, the gorgeous woman took off her dress, climbed on the bed and lay next to him instead of returning to his lap. Her beautiful curvy body was only covered by a black lace bra and a black slip.

_Breath taking._

"You're stunning," he whispered and leaned in just enough to be able to inhale the scent of her neck. He made sure not to touch her yet even though his fingers tingled to return her to his arms. He needed to make sure she felt at ease next to him first, able to relax and feel safe. "And you always smell like a field of flowers. It makes me want to drown in the scent. Can I embrace you, Wonhee?"

She hummed, shifting a little closer and lifting her hand to stroke over his face with a tenderness that he wasn't prepared for.

"I'm sorry for my reaction. I'm a complicated flower, I guess, I'm really sorry," Wonhee whispered, letting her eyes flutter shut.

_You're so much worse, scared senseless._

"You're not," he replied, wondering how Wonhee could consider herself complicated while being next to him, basically the personification of complicated.

He covered Wonhee's hand with his own and smiled at her, enjoying the touch for a few more seconds before placing a kiss on each of her fingers. She was so warm and he couldn't resist the urge to feel her skin against his own, so he sat up to take off his blazer and finish untying the ribbons of his shirt. Once his upper body was completely uncovered, he lay back down on the bed and wrapped his arms around Wonhee's waist, pulling her into his embrace.

_Does she still not mind it? Does it feel okay to her?_

Wonhee resembled a goddess the way she lay on the white sheets of her bed. Hyungwon loved the smudged red lipstick, her black hair that tickled part of his arm, her legs that brushed over his as he let one of his own slip between hers. It might have felt more intense without the additional fabric of his pants, but he was too scared for that.

"Embracing you already feels like a dream to me," he whispered into Wonhee's ear before kissing the shell of it, her neck and the attractive dip in her shoulder.

"I keep thinking that there's a chance it'll become another nightmare, but you keep proving me wrong and I'm too involved to objectively tell," Wonhee whispered back, wrapping her arms around his neck and shifting closer as she moved her own thigh between his. "The only thing I know is that I want this. I want you."

_Is this hurtful curiosity or does she like you the way you like her?_

"I want you too," he admitted and tilted his head to press a kiss on the curved mouth. It felt perfect, as if their mouths were meant to meet like this, brushing against each other without any urgency. Wonhee's leg between his own also felt good and sent a few sparks along his spine before they returned to his groin and warmed him up from the inside. He held onto the slim waist and pulled the beautiful woman closer, letting her body slide over his thigh in a way that hopefully felt even better to her than it did to him. "You make me feel desirable, Wonhee. I hope I make you feel the same."

"You're gorgeous and so fucking attractive. It's kinda new to undress and not have my clothes being ripped off my body, but I like how you feel, how your hands feel and how you're making me feel." Wonhee finished right before he moved his thigh and she gasped, rolling her eyes back for a second. "Fuck," she hissed and found his lips, kissing him tenderly at first before it got more urgent, before the soft breasts touched his chest and Wonhee shifted closer to him. "I might- ruin your clothes. I would say I'll buy you a new pair but I know that what you're wearing is unique and I'm trying hard to make you forget about the fact that I happen to be a spoiled rich brat."

"They don't matter," he whispered and covered the round face in kisses before letting his lips travel along the curve of her neck. "I can fix them, but I can't create experiences without you, so please don't stop kissing me."

Hyungwon still couldn't believe that Wonhee was in his arms, that she wanted to be with him even though he was nothing like what she was used to.

_Maybe that is why, because you make her curious and feel appreciated. It's emotional, but you're scared of the physical._

He loved how the beautiful woman reacted to stimulation. He repeated it by rubbing his thigh in between her legs and caressing her naked shoulders and below the straps of her bra. He wanted to cover all of her body with kisses, her shoulders, her back, her breasts and also her soft stomach. Hyungwon felt overwhelmed by all of it and didn't know how to act, what to do to make it perfect for the woman in his arms.

_You have to show her somehow, show how much you like her even if you are like this._

"Is that… something you enjoy?" the pleasant voice asked after moaning quietly and Wonhee moved forward, rubbing her thigh between his legs.

He hummed even though the quiet moan that left his lips had already been an answer. It seemed so unusual that Wonhee was willing to touch him, even through clothes. It must have been strange to her, physically, opposed to what she enjoyed. Hyungwon was scared to let her do more, but he allowed the brief stimulation, holding his breath.

_It's so different to be close to somebody while being yourself._

He smiled into the kiss they shared and pulled the beautiful woman so close that their groins were aligned and each motion of their thighs was able to pull a moan from both of their lips. It seemed just right and Hyungwon didn't need more than what Wonhee was offering him.

"What do you enjoy?" he asked and kissed her again.

"You. I enjoy how you don't try to stick anything inside my body and how you react to me. I feel a bit bad for simply taking you home, but I wanted to be close to you. I wanted to know if… if we are compatible. But what do you enjoy, Hyungwon? I want to try." Wonhee's voice was breathy as she roamed her hands over his back, moving in his arms like a snake and using her nails to leave fine lines, lips brushing against his neck.

_You cannot tell her, because you don't know. You only know what you dislike and this isn't it, so you don't need more than this._

"This is perfect," he replied and kissed her again, hoping that it was enough for her because it surely was enough for him. Being this close was already so much more than he could have hoped for. "I enjoy having you close and the way you move… feels really good."

"I guess you're shy. It's okay, I don't want to do anything you don't like. I thought you didn't like me in the first place, so I can't complain." Wonhee slipped lower, kissing his chest and closing her mouth around a nipple to suck on it. Hands travelled down his back and settled on his butt.

Hyungwon moaned softly and let his eyes flutter shut, focusing on the sensations in order to distract from his worries about what Wonhee might be doing next and whether she was going to try to undo his pants or not.

_She might react in a way your self-esteem won't survive._

Wonhee seemed encouraged by his reaction and played with his nipples, carefully brushing over them with her teeth and licking over the buds. The grip on his butt got firmer and Wonhee pulled his hips against her body, gasping and placing kisses all over his chest.

_She is making you feel so dizzy. You are letting her be so close._

"Shit," he cursed and moaned a little louder, dizzy from the bursts of pleasure that combined and travelled throughout his body. Wonhee took initiative so easily, pulling him close and causing his heart to hammer so loudly in his ears that it returned some of the fear he had tried to abandon.

Wonhee's enthusiasm made him anxious and he tried distracting himself by stroking over her half naked body, cupping her breasts and rubbing her nipples through her bra. He also moved against her, both of them moaning into their kisses when the friction was just right.

_You're losing your mind. Don't be too vulnerable, Hyungwon. You won't be able to recover._

"This is so good," Wonhee gasped, moving her body and squeezing his ass to have him closer, to feel more. "Touch me more," she whispered, turning until she lay on her back, and probably waiting for him to climb on top.

_Take initiative._

Hyungwon did, moving on top of her and covering her neck in bites and her round jaw in kisses. His hands were restless, stroking over every inch of naked skin he could find, brushing over the seam of Wonhee's bra and slip and teasing by brushing over the edges just enough to lift them off her skin a little. His thigh settled perfectly in between Wonhee's and he tried to provide some friction without forcing her to bear all of his weight.

They were fueling their arousal without an end in sight, but somehow Hyungwon didn't mind. He liked it this way.

_You feel safer like this._

Wonhee was breathing heavily, moans leaving her curved mouth that she kept parted as she reached for his hair, wrapping her fingers around some of the locks and pulling lightly. "Your hands, your lips, fuck, I love how they feel, give me more, Hyungwon," she gasped, rubbing her black hair against the white pillow and baring her neck for him to kiss.

_Give her more, Hyungwon._

He swallowed, but dared to let his right hand travel further down between their bodies, caught by his own weight and the way Wonhee pulled her thighs together. Hyungwon interpreted it as a positive sign and kissed the curved lips as his index and middle finger carefully brushed over the area between Wonhee's legs, right where her clit should be. He didn't take off the black slip, but maybe it was better this way, stimulating but not too much.

_You're immediately so nervous._

"Fuck," Wonhee cursed and lifted her hips to feel more, hands pulling on his hair more now. "Are you sure that you're inexperienced? What's with all the teasing?"

_That's a nice way to put it._

Hyungwon smiled and nibbled on Wonhee's neck as he repeated the rubbing motion, letting his fingers dance over Wonhee's clit, trying to detect the motion that pulled out the breathiest moans. Those were the motions he made sure to repeat more often and make himself needy because the sounds Wonhee let out were making his lower body burn with heat. His thighs felt slightly sticky too, but he ignored that and focused on stimulating the beautiful woman between her legs, rubbing over her nipples with his other hand and kissing her neck and lips.

_She is so beautiful. She deserves to be pleasured._

The moans got louder and at some point Wonhee's hand wrapped around his wrist, leading him and applying more pressure that resulted in sounds that made him dizzy. The fabric of her underwear was soaked, but he still continued until Wonhee held her breath, the gorgeous hips moved up, thighs trembling and the slim fingers tightened around his wrist to stop him from applying more pressure because there was no point anymore.

_You just made her come._

He held his breath, overwhelmed by how beautiful Wonhee looked when she was basking in utter bliss. His fingers were wet and he kept his hand still while his other arm wrapped around the woman's waist and pulled her closer. He had always imagined it would be nice to be embraced after orgasm, so he tried to provide it while inhaling the arousing scent of flowers mixing with something very personal and still just as sweet.

_She really is like a flower. A gorgeous flower._

Wonhee wrapped around him, humming into his neck. After a few moments of listening to the slow breaths, he felt Wonhee's small palm travel over his back, his butt, taking a turn at his hip to brush over his thigh and then, suddenly, right over his groin.

_Oh no._

He froze in place and wasn't even able to register how quickly his right hand moved and wrapped around Wonhee's wrist to lift it a few centimetres in the air, away from his body.

"I- I'm fine," he stuttered, barely able to breathe and paralysed by fear that developed in his abdomen and spread throughout his whole body. He didn't even know how to explain himself apart from saying that he didn't want her to be disgusted because he liked her too much. "I'm sorry, I'm just-"

_You're just unable to bear being touched, not yet._

He didn't know what to say, so he simply didn't say anything, grip on Wonhee's wrist loosening and heart beating so loudly in his ears that he wasn't sure whether he had continued breathing after the sudden touch.

Wonhee's fingers curled into a fist, before she pulled it back, breathing quickly right next to his ear. "I'm- I'm sorry for not asking. I'm an idiot."

_This was the moment you feared the most._

The silence stretched between them before Wonhee lifted her face from his neck, blush still prominent on the round cheeks and lips red and parted. "Tea?" she whispered.

He hummed.

Because it was easier.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 6

_This is not what you expected._

Wonhee sat in the Black Bean Cafe where she had met Hyungwon, sipping on an iced latte and staring at the corner where they had talked about the whole contract thing. Could she really talk of expectations right now? After all that happened and the conclusions that seemed to settle inside her head, making no sense whatsoever.

The past few days had passed in a daze, filled with her trying to calm her parents down after the pictures with Hyungwon surfaced, expertly ignoring questions about Hyungwon’s profession, his parents and whether it was very serious, because her parents needed to be part of her decision.

_What decision…_

She drew a small heart on the glass before wiping it away and biting down on her bottom lip because she didn’t know what to do. Not that it had been easy before. The whole thing had been more of a haze, a midnight Cinderella dream only with her being the rich bitch and Hyungwon being the only person that treated her like a human until now. And they neither gave a shit about shoes.

_But this is not what you expected. He’s not what you expected._

How could she have expected something she was completely oblivious about? How was it possible to consider something she never considered before?

_Isn’t it an excuse? He- didn’t want you to touch him there…_

Wonhee remembered the shock on the handsome face, how quick he was to take her hand away from between his legs. He was different, he knew it, and he didn’t want her to touch or to see.

_Would you freak out? Because of how he might look? Because you didn’t know and didn’t expect it? Would you be like that? Like those dudes who feel disappointed because you don’t want to get fucked?_

She leaned forward and pressed her forehead against the cool table, enjoying the difference in temperature and hoping that the action would stop her thoughts. They had been torturing her for over a week now and she couldn’t call nor write to Hyungwon, feeling like she wasn’t able to say anything. Nothing at all.

_What are you supposed to do now?_

She had no idea, but a pull on her hair literally pulled her out of the devastating helplessness she felt and she lifted her gaze, focusing it on Yeojoo, who looked as gorgeous as ever.

“So… you hooked up with him, I see?” There was no mercy with her best friend, no preparation, just being called out straight away.

“For your money,” she muttered, trying to sound funny, but it just made her feel worse. So much worse. “Yeojoo… you’ve been around more than me, do you by chance know people who… are born as men or women but feel in the wrong body and then change their sex?”

“Huh? Why are you suddenly interested? You feel like a man?” Yeojoo took her latte and sat across from her, brushing a lock behind her ear affectionately.

“I don’t know, I was just wondering… how that works. I mean- if you’re born a girl and then… just- get rid of your breasts and… god I can’t even imagine."

“Hmm, there’s a cousin of mine, my family acts as if she doesn’t exist, but she was born a man, but it was such a… mess somehow. When she lived as a boy, she kept telling my aunt and uncle that it was bad but they didn’t care. You know how our families are- and then she tried to die.” Yeojoo looked extremely uncomfortable and it was new to her to see the other woman like that, hiding her gaze and trying to drown it in her coffee. “After that- she started taking hormones, got surgery and feels so much better. People are still suckers, you know, but she is proud and to be honest I’m even more proud, because I’m a coward and could never. I’d just die.”

_Holy…_

“I’m so glad that she’s fine,” she murmured, feeling like an uneducated idiot. She still had no idea what it meant, if what she thought was the case had really been the case, or if she just imagined it. “I just want to know more about it because I feel like a noob. I am a noob.”

“But why all of a sudden? You came across somebody who is transsexual or are you just curious?” Yeojoo asked with surprise written all over her face, making her feel even worse about herself. The fact that her best friend didn’t expect her to know people other than her family was depressing.

_But it’s the truth, isn’t it? He probably didn’t want to tell you because you have no idea, would’ve probably looked shocked and he-_

She hated herself so much. And even ignoring the whole money thing, the booking, using his affection without knowing a single thing about the person she said she liked, still she was trash.

“I think so, yeah. It’s a- somebody who was born a woman and then-”

_And then made the decision for himself that he couldn’t apologize for. Fuck._

“God, I’m so fucking ignorant, but I don’t know what to do either. It’s- I didn’t know and I didn’t think about it either, but I suddenly found out and now I have no idea how to act…” Wonhee buried her face in both palms and gritted her teeth. She hated the feeling.

_Because you still have no idea what it means and you have no idea what you’re supposed to do and what to say and how to approach this topic. What if you make a mistake? A gigantic mistake? After you've already made one._

“What to do? Uhm… just- treat him the way you did before you knew? Does the knowledge change anything?"

_It kind of does… Why would you feel like this otherwise?_

“Before- I felt at ease and now I feel like panicking.”

“Ah, that’s our families' main quality, isn’t it? Blaming people for our feelings of discomfort. Did you-” Suddenly her friend’s eyes widened so intensely that she was scared they would fall out of her head for a second. “Wonhee… is Hyungwon a trans person?”

_How did she know? How the fuck did she know and you didn’t until you touched him between his legs?_

“I’m not sure… or I don’t want to be sure. Who knows?” she muttered, chewing on her lips and taking a big sip of the iced latte that made her brain freeze.

“You don’t want to be sure? Did he tell you?”

“No, but… he- there are thin scars around his nipples and I googled it and it looks pretty similar and… he might be a bit similar to me down there…”

_You talk like a toddler._

Yeojoo looked at her for a few moments, not saying a single word. It seemed like the whole world was judging her right at that moment and she just wanted to disappear along with her thoughts that still told her that all of it was scary.

“I never thought I would say it, but didn’t you say that you hate dick? Why would you need one on a man? He is a man, isn’t he? Or do you think he isn’t? Even if you think that he isn’t it’s not your fucking place to make a judgment. You know what my cousin told me when I visited her at the hospital back then? She said that she keeps listening to people expressing their discomfort with the way she is, but nobody cares about her. About what it means to not be born in a body that feels like yours, that you would rather die than live on like that. Do you think your discomfort is valid? I’ve been around more than you, you’re right, but you have the duty to educate yourself. I know that you can. You looked it up on the internet? Great. Did you talk to him about it?”

_Is she the friend that you know?_

Wonhee couldn’t believe that she was hearing those words from her best friend that only had nice things to tell her, who protected her and who always made sure to be by her side. Now she was looking disappointed. In her.

_Maybe because you are disappointing._

“No,” she whispered, glancing into her glass. “I don’t know what to say. I don’t fucking know what to say, okay? What am I supposed to do now? I told him that I like him, I was close to him, fuck, he even made me fucking orgasm, but he didn’t- he didn’t want me to touch him, so he probably doesn’t even want to have anything to do with me after I did that, because I didn’t ask him if it was okay. I haven’t called for over a week, what am I supposed to do? Come and say: hey, I know I touched you between your legs and was shocked that you don’t have the genitals that I hate but still expected, but I kinda feel uncomfortable about having that knowledge and need to be comforted because it’s scary and I don’t know what to do’? Really?”

“No fucking way. Can you tell me why you only think about yourself when there’s literally a person who probably has been suffering his whole life because of people like my family and people like you and other ignorant bastards who have the privilege of treating others like shit? I know I’m usually all yolo about stuff, but this one- I can’t. I’ve seen her and you can’t even imagine, Wonhee. Should I tell you what would be a good thing to do?” Yeojoo, leaned forward and wrapped her pretty fingers around her wrist, making her look up.

“Mhm?” she hummed, feeling like a bottle full of shit that was bubbling over and she couldn’t stop it, not expecting the contents and not expecting that there was so much of it hidden inside.

“Go to him. Apologize for touching him. Tell him that this whole booking thing was my fault and that you hope that he will forgive you for being ignorant and that you won’t see each other again.”

_What?_

She stared, shaking her head immediately after hearing those words. She couldn’t. She couldn’t just- not see him again.

_You can’t. You don’t know what to do, about your guilt, not about your affection. It’s still there. You just don’t know if his still is._

“Why… would I tell him that I won’t see him again?” she asked in disbelief and felt like pulling away her wrist, to not give off the impression that she was compliant.

“Because- being with you will only hurt him because your dad is a transphobic, homophobic person who will never in his lifetime allow you to be close to somebody who is not considered ‘normal’ in high society, Wonhee. He will suffer and in the end you will leave him because that’s how it goes, and he will live with the trauma of yet another rejection. Just leave him alone. Please.”

_You can’t. You can’t, Wonhee._

She shook her head again and this time the discomfort came from her best friend asking her to do something that made her nauseous. There was no way she could leave the only person, the only one who treated her like a human, who looked at her as if she wasn’t a bunch of shares, but a flower in a field that he didn’t dare pick because that’s how he was.

Perfect.

_

Rubbing the sole of her extra ugly Gucci sneakers over the front step, she stared at the slightly ripped off sign that said ‘Chae’, unable to press the bell. The driver didn’t listen when she told him to leave and stayed in the car, watching her suffer through the tinted windows and maybe, if he had left, she wouldn’t have pushed the button under that name, acutely aware of the discomfort that her thoughts created and two days of searching the internet, reading scientific articles on the transsexual community, watching videos of people educating idiots like her about what never to say or do to a trans person and crying her eyes out at those brave humans who shared their stories that were so incredibly sad and unfair that she wanted to combust. She wished one could actually fix it with money, because she would have done it if she could. Instead, she donated a certain amount, feeling bad because she knew that it wasn’t enough, that transsexual individuals would still suffer due to the ignorance of the society she lived in and, as a matter of fact, her own ignorance.

_You are no better compared to them. Bitch._

Chewing on her cheek and preparing herself to be thrown out on the street and the walk of shame towards the stupid car that was waiting for her, Wonhee fumbled with the bag of cookies that she baked to feel prepared, even though she wasn’t at all. Hyungwon had no idea that she was coming and she had no idea if he was home, but there was no other way. She **could** handle being cursed and shamed today out of all days, so she had to act.

She hadn't expected anything to happen, not after coming unannounced and giving Hyungwon the cold shoulder for over a week. There was no buzzing to unlock the door and there was also no microphone to speak into. She pressed her forehead against the wooden door that smelled a bit like old beer and cursed at herself until she suddenly heard steps behind the door, naked feet running down wooden stairs and over tiles.

With a single motion the door was opened and she stumbled forward as she didn't have the time to lean back, right into a flat t-shirt clad chest.

_You’re an actual idiot._

"W-wonhee?" Hyungwon muttered, voice clear but still quiet. The tall man looked different from what she was used to, dressed in a simple white t-shirt and sweatpants. His long hair was tied back into a knot at the back of his head and there was no makeup on his face. Big eyes were staring at her in shock, as if waiting for the moment she was going to dissipate into thin air like a vision. "Why- how?"

_How can he look like that being at home? Why is he so fucking beautiful, Wonhee? How do you even deserve…_

She swallowed, unable to look away and it somehow reminded her of the first time that she’d seen Hyungwon. How he looked in that white suit, but mostly his face, his features. Those big eyes and plump lips, how kind he looked. Kind and beautiful like an angel.

“I- baked cookies,” she muttered, lifting the hand with the paper bag and still unable to look away. “Can I- come in?”

_Why are you always like that? What if he doesn’t want you in his private space. He would be right about not letting you in too._

“Or I can just- give them to you and leave, I guess. As you wish.”

Time passed and Wonhee genuinely thought of just placing the cookies on the ground and going right back where she came from, but she couldn't do it. Not when those eyes were focused on hers.

"Come in," Hyungwon replied and stepped aside, as if it was easy to let her in after she had been a coward and pretended that he didn't exist. He was observing her and the expression on his face was different from what she was used to. There was no soft smile the way she had gotten to know it, but Hyungwon also didn't look hurt. He seemed… neutral somehow.

_He's probably done with you._

"O-okay," she whispered and followed the tall man up the stairs that sounded as if a little piglet was murdered every time she stepped on one of the steps.

_You convinced yourself that you could take him hating you, but it seems as if you can't even take his lack of care._

She pressed her lips together and felt like crying even though she literally was at fault and had no fucking reason to cry. Hyungwon should have been the one crying after meeting her and discovering how fucking ignorant and selfish she was, but he just walked up before leading her towards a slightly open door.

"I'm sorry, there isn't much space and I'm in the middle of a project so everything is covered in the material I wanted to use," Hyungwon explained as she stepped into a small one room apartment. The ceilings were high, but apart from that there was no real need to look around to see everything. The hallway was already the entry into the room, shaped like a square with big full sized windows across from the entry. A door led to what must have been a bathroom on the left and once Wonhee climbed over several rolls of white fabric she saw a few kitchen supplies attached to a wall on the left, right behind the bathroom.

_And you keep complaining that you can't find shit in your apartment._

Hyungwon didn't have a wardrobe. Instead his clothes hung from a metal construction that was attached to a wall, close to the ceiling. Everything was sorted in outfits on cloth hangers and she recognised a few that she had seen Hyungwon wearing. His bed was just a mattress close to the window and also covered with materials, bobby pins, several types of fabric and a sewing machine.

What Hyungwon must have meant by 'project' was difficult to ignore as it was a white dress, worn by a mannequin right in the middle of the room and taking up most of the space. It didn't have straps and consisted of layers over layers of delicate, white fabric.

_Holy fuck, this is gorgeous._

"I was in the middle of stitching pearls to the top skirt," she heard behind her as Hyungwon hurried past and moved the mannequin closer to the wall, followed by attempts to free his bed. "Please sit down. If- you want to, that is."

"Did you make this?" she asked and pointed at the dress, completely taken aback by how stunning the creation looked. So much better than anything she owned.

_Because he's so much better than anyone you know._

"Make?" Hyungwon chuckled. "You mean 'making'. This is nowhere close to being done. I still need to stitch the embroidery on the top part. The skirt is mostly done I guess, unless I come up with something else to give it more volume for extra effect." Examining the dress, the tall man pulled a bobby pin from the fabric before attaching it differently to the skirt, creating waves in the fabric. "Better."

"You can't be human," she muttered, unsure where to put herself. "If I could ever bring myself to marry, then I would definitely marry that dress."

Hyungwon turned around to look at her and chewed on his cheek, expression not neutral anymore, but also not as unguarded as she had experienced when they were close.

"I can't be human?" he asked back and smiled a little, but Wonhee didn't like how it looked. "Think I heard that one at some point. Too different? I told you before that I can't really apologize for it. That's just how it is."

_You asshole._

"No- no, that's- that's not how I meant it at all! I meant that you are so beautiful and can do so many things, you're creating truly stunning pieces and it is simply overwhelming for someone like me. I don't-" She stopped and chewed on her lips to not start crying because she felt so bad, but it was hypocritical, right? She wasn't the one who was allowed to feel bad in this situation. She was here to apologize.

_Maybe Yeojoo was right. Maybe you will only hurt him with your shitty attitude and your shitty family._

When the burning in her lungs wasn't intense enough to force tears out of her eyes, she lifted her gaze and placed the cookies on the floor next to the mattress. "I came because I wanted to apologize. I wanted to apologize for not asking you and for just touching you even though you had told me before that you- don't want to be touched. I keep thinking that you hate me now and it's so scary to me, but I know that it's because I'm selfish and don't want you to hate me, so that's the only thing I can think about. Still- even while being selfish, I still am sorry, Hyungwon. I'm so fucking sorry for everything."

The tall man listened to her, standing next to his mannequin and hands resting at his sides. He had looked composed before, but now he just looked hurt and Wonhee hated herself for making him feel that way with her apology.

"What changed?" Hyungwon asked eventually and made his way towards his improvised kitchen where he took out two cups and filled the kettle before turning it on. "Feel free to sit on my bed. I made some space."

_What changed?_

"What do you mean?" she muttered, playing with the rips in her jeans and feeling guilty. Sometimes it didn't mean anything, but this time it probably meant that she was. Who knows, maybe she wasn't worthy to sit on that bed. What if Hyungwon had to think about her when she left and her scent still lingered on those sheets?

"Well," Hyungwon fumbled with a package of tea bags and threw one in each of the cups before taking the bag of cookies from her fingers and arranging them on a plate. "You seemed to be rather fine with how things turned out. You talked to me and we drank tea until I left and then you smoothly returned to your strategy of not talking to me as you did before when I upset you, so I assumed you were done with me for good. You also transferred a lot of money to top it all off. So- what changed?"

_Maybe it's time to tell the whole truth._

"It's- not my money."

"So it's like when the friend pops by to finish up by picking up the last things from the ex?" Hyungwon continued to busy himself with preparing tea as he spoke. "Can't really speak from experience there, but was that it?"

_You must've hurt him so much, Wonhee. And you were worrying about yourself all this time._

"I never paid a single cent to the company that you work for. It was my friend. She suggested it and when you told me that there was an offer for you to be my boyfriend, I took it because I wanted to get closer to you. Noble, right? I spent the week pitying myself for not knowing what to do and being an asshole in general. My friend actually told me to leave you alone and I guess she's right, but I can't."

She pinched the skin on her fingers, trying to distract herself from the discomfort she felt, because she knew it wasn't her place to feel that way. She was at fault and she had to deal with the feelings it carried.

"Both of us know it's not really about the money." Hyungwon poured boiling water into the two cups and made his way towards the bed, sitting on the area he freed up. "Sit down, Wonhee. Let's talk."

She couldn't bring herself to look at the handsome face because it reminded her that she immediately disregarded what she came for and preferred to bask in how seeing Hyungwon made her feel.

_You need to stand to be able to run away, is that it?_

There was more tension in her body when she was standing and she felt like she needed every ounce of it to keep herself in place. Swallowing down the saliva that collected in her mouth, she stared at her feet. "It's not about the money. It's about the fact that I hurt you and I'm so sorry. You don't deserve it and I really- I really will understand if you say that you don't want to see me again. I'll try not to be like Mark and leave you alone. I just needed to come here to tell you that I know I’m at fault and that I'm sorry."

Hyungwon hummed and placed the cup meant for her next to him. "You say that you’ll understand if I don't want to see you again and that you will leave me alone. Just a moment ago you said your friend told you to do exactly that, but you can't. Which one is it now?"

"The one that you want it to be," she whispered.

"I want you to come here and sit next to me." Hyungwon patted the spot next to his hips and lifted his gaze to look at her. "Do you know why?"

"So you can throw away your sheets after I sit on them?" It was hard and her hands were shaking, but she lifted her gaze and met Hyungwon's eyes, feeling awed and so fucking sad at the same time.

_Because thinking about losing him makes you feel so fucking helpless._

Hyungwon chuckled briefly at her comment and shook his head. "No. Because I want to know if you are apologizing to feel better about yourself while being disgusted by the way I am and therefore unable to even sit next to me. That's why."

_How… could he think that?_

The burning got worse and despite the chance of ugly crying, she immediately stepped closer and sat right next to the tall man, hugging her knees and staring at them to calm down. "You really think that? That I'm disgusted? I mean, I am, but at myself."

She felt Hyungwon's eyes on her without him saying anything. The seconds ticked by and through the silence, Wonhee became aware of a clock that hung close to the windows and ticked each time the second hand moved.

"It's hard not to think that when that's the reason most people apologize for pushing me away. Actually, to be fair, most people don't bother apologizing. But those that do say they shouldn't have, but that they can't deal with the way I am. It's not really surprising either. I guess- I guess I understand in a way." Hyungwon sighed and Wonhee heard him take a sip from his cup of tea. "It's different, weird even."

"I don't think so. I don't think so at all. I admit that I was confused, that I didn't know what to think or what to do. But I never thought that you're weird. I- had a talk with my friend who tried to protect you from me and I read and watched many things and realized that the only weird one is me thinking that my discomfort is bigger than yours. I think- I'm sorry if it makes you uncomfortable, but I really think that you're breath-taking." She inhaled deeply and finally removed her gaze from her knees and slowly travelled over Hyungwon's long legs to his face, feeling ashamed for being this obvious.

"You… do?" There was surprise on Hyungwon's face and what must be distrust. Those long fingers that Wonhee liked so much tightened around the cup of tea, almost turning white. The black-haired man must have encountered so much pain that he couldn't believe that Wonhee considered him breath-taking. Even after coming to know that he was a trans man.

"I do. I feel ashamed that I came to sincerely apologize but I still can't help looking at you and telling you how I feel about you. I'm a selfish bitch, but I told you that already." Wonhee licked her lips and shifted on the mattress, moving over pieces of fabric until her back leaned against the wall. "I came here and said whatever I felt the need to say, but actually… actually I would really like to know what it is that you need to hear. From me."

"I- I don't know." Hyungwon smiled a little and brushed through his hair, shoulders losing some of their tension that had been constantly building up since she entered the small apartment. "I've never heard anybody say it, so I don't know what it is. I only know that I keep wondering about what your feelings entail. It can be easy to live with something that you don't see, because you can just pretend that it's not there."

_Does he not understand that you want him? That you're just holding back because you don't want to be a selfish bitch for once?_

She knew that she was about to say something insensitive, but the whole beating around the bush made her nervous. "Do you like me?" she asked, hating how she made the whole conversation about herself again, but she needed to know.

Hyungwon reached for the cup that was meant for her and placed it right next to her feet, gesturing for her to drink it as he hesitated to reply.

"It's okay," she added quickly. "To be honest, you don't need to say anything. I just tried to fish for some confirmation to make myself feel better. I like you, Hyungwon. I have no idea how you might look when you're naked, but you don't know how I look completely naked either, but in case you want to find out… feel free."

Hyungwon was observing her, brown eyes a little wider than before and lips parting to speak before closing again. He seemed so nervous all of a sudden, fingers fumbling with his cup.

"Why would- why would me liking you make you feel better? Shouldn't it be an additional burden because you cannot give me what I might want? I- I’m struggling to understand. You want to be with me? But- you literally stopped contacting me as soon as you figured out I'm not the way you want me to be. So why suddenly-?"

_Well, that's not quite it, is it?_

"That's not true though. I stopped contacting you because I had no idea what to say, because I touched you without consent and your shocked face will forever be a reminder to treat others how I myself want to be treated. Was I surprised? Definitely. Did I panic? Kind of. But it was because I had no idea how to react. Not because I didn't want to see you, but because I wasn't sure that you wanted to see me, because I had no idea about transsexuality and because I felt like an utter idiot, which I kind of am. I'm still sorry because I hurt you." She shifted closer and because she was an idiot as already mentioned, the cup of hot tea spilled and soaked her shin, burning through the fabric and making her wince in pain.

_Great. Now you're breaking his stuff._

"Shit, Wonhee," Hyungwon hissed and looked around until he found a big towel and handed it to her. "It was boiling hot. We need to cool the area. Are you okay with taking off your pants? You can do it under the towel and I will give you something to cool it down." The black-haired man was talking quickly as his eyes kept slipping towards the soaked area on her jeans. He jumped up and pulled out a cool pack from the freezer, wrapping it in a cloth.

_Now you are getting all that attention again._

"Don't be nice to me, I'm an asshole," she muttered and reached for the cup, checking if she broke it, but it looked okay. Lifting her gaze, she finally met those big eyes and recognized the worry on the handsome face. He was worried about her. Again.

"An asshole that really wants to know what to do to be close to you, to treat you right and to do you justice."

***

A cup fell, boiling water burned pale skin and just like that, the first brick of his fortress loosened and fell into the surrounding waters. His resolve was crumbling, brick by brick.

_You must be so desperate, oh so desperate._

Hyungwon should have really known by now, even before Wonhee began to ask him personal questions that had nothing to do with his gender identity. Once again he had desperately clung to the opportunity to just be himself instead of a person that changed sex, a man that wasn’t really one, a woman that wasn’t really one. Hyungwon should have continued to play the infamous game of pretence while remaining distant instead of getting himself into the same cascade of disappointment that he constantly found himself in.

_You get hurt, every fucking time._

That was one of the quirks of not fitting in. One ended up trying over and over again because there also wasn’t a real space of ‘not belonging’ either, was there? One had to go somewhere, but the only place to go is the one that just wasn’t made for people like him.

_So you are caught in limbo, pretending, getting rejected and pretending all over again._

When Wonhee hadn’t bothered to call for days after he left her apartment, he wasn’t even sure whether there was still any strength left to pretend to be surprised. His expectations had come true eventually, even if he had been hoping for Wonhee to be different.

_How could she be different if she doesn’t know what it means?_

There had been no other possible reaction for the black-haired woman apart from being utterly terrified by his body, enough to return to a poor excuse for a platonic relationship.

_Isn’t it funny how you wanted to drink tea to prevent it, but she ended up wanting to drink tea to forget about it?_

The good thing about being used to pain was that at some point it only added another layer to a wall already covered in rotten eggs. Hyungwon knew it was there and he simply scratched a bit at the stone without really trying to clean it anymore. There was no point if another layer was going to follow anyway.

_You're renewing the layers until it finally becomes a thick shell._

He had returned to his everyday life of designing and sewing dresses, embroidering patterns onto sneakers and staring at the large numbers in his account that made him feel like a discarded designer dress after single use.

_Maybe you can still offer yourself to a second hand shop._

Even when Wonhee managed to find him at his small apartment in the center of Munich, he wasn’t too surprised. There were two types of people when it came to getting close to him. There were the ones that rejected him, called him disgusting and never talked to him again. Wonhee wasn’t one of them. She was the second type, the one that ended up coming back to apologize and feel better about herself. The type that explains that they don't have a problem with the way he is at all. Only that they also can’t be with him because they just so happened to be looking for something else.

_Like everybody. Everybody is looking for somebody that isn’t you._

He had been ready to listen to her apologies, to explain to her why those apologies didn’t really mean anything because there was no consequence apart from him realizing once again that he wasn’t worth being with. It was all there at the tip of his tongue, waiting for the right opportunity to be spilled into the air, but somehow Wonhee didn’t follow the usual script.

_Does she ever?_

There was the apology, the guilt and the attempt to explain her own feelings while not really talking about Hyungwon’s. It was all there until she asked him what he wanted to hear. Until she decided to actually ask what he needed to feel better.

_Is there even something that is able to do that?_

He didn’t know, but the words forced some sand to trickle down the brick wall and to loosen the first brick. The desire to say what he wanted to hear was followed by the question whether he liked her, but not because she wanted to assess her guilt further, but because it seemed to genuinely matter to her.

_But why? Why does it matter whether you actually like her if she cannot be with somebody like you anyway?_

Even when Wonhee explained about her guilt over touching him without his consent and for being oblivious about transsexuality, Hyungwon still didn’t quite understand why him liking her was supposed to matter. Was it her being the second category again? A person that wanted to be friends with him, but that couldn’t imagine anything more than that because he just wasn’t what she was looking for.

_Because nobody is looking for somebody like you._

He didn’t have a chance to point that out as Wonhee’s leg moved right against the cup of tea he put in front of her and burned her whole calf, soaking through her blue jeans and leaving a dark stain. All thought of criticism was wiped from his mind as he furiously thought about what to do first. He grabbed a towel and pressed it into the small hand, hoping that Wonhee would remove the excess water and change out of those jeans as he prepared a cool pack. He said it all, unable to remain distant and hurt because no matter how much he pointed out that he was meant to be alone, he still liked her. He liked Wonhee, no matter how she treated him or whether she was scared by his body.

_You desperate idiot._

He wrapped the cool pack in a dark blue piece of cloth he planned to make shorts out of as Wonhee called herself an asshole and caught his attention. She was sitting on his mattress, legs still in the same position as before with the towel lying on her knee without having soaked up any of the excess water. The woman he had been trying to forget was looking at him with those black eyes of hers that managed to make him nervous in a matter of seconds.

_Why is it so hard? Shouldn't you know better by now? You always get hurt. Didn't you give up already?_

"An asshole that really wants to know what to do to be close to you, to treat you right and to do you justice,” Wonhee whispered and Hyungwon felt it right then, a brick crumbling to the ground and threatening that the whole wall would fall over right after it.

_She doesn’t mean it that way, Hyungwon. Don’t be so fucking easy all the time._

Wonhee couldn’t have meant it romantically. She had shown that being close to him was limited to a single time during which she apparently hadn’t known what ‘not getting hard’ really meant in his case.

_Now she knows and her instant rejection should have been enough for you to understand. Wasn't it? Are you still hopeful? Stop it._

“You want to do me justice?” he asked and kneeled in front of Wonhee’s unmoving legs. He grabbed the towel from her hands and patted the wet area on her jeans, knowing that her skin must be vibrant red below it. “How about you start by taking off those jeans while I turn around so that we can take care of your burned skin?”

_There is no point in talking about it, is there?_

“You want to turn around when you literally made me orgasm last week? But okay, if you need it for me to do you justice, fine-” the black-haired woman muttered and didn’t wait for him to do anything and quickly undid the button of her jeans, pulling them down her legs.

Hyungwon didn't manage to turn around, partially because he wasn't fast enough even though he had wanted to give Wonhee privacy if she needed it.

"Seeing it once doesn't mean that I have a right to see it again unless you want me to," he replied and stepped a little closer, ready to put the wrapped ice pack on her leg. "Does it hurt a lot?"

“Listen, you don’t need to look if you don’t like it. It- I don’t know if it hurts.” Wonhee hugged her knees and glanced at her shin that was pretty red. The fact that she was hurt made it easier to distract himself from her black eyes and the way her gaze made him feel. Maybe Hyungwon should have forgotten all about it during the time Wonhee didn't bother to contact him, but he was hopeless and even though she had rejected him after finding out, he still couldn't help being drawn towards her.

_How can she think that you don't like what you see?_

"You seem to think that I don't enjoy looking at you," he murmured and carefully reached out to stretch Wonhee's hurt leg towards him and wrap the ice pack around it. "I do, but I also respect your boundaries."

_She rejected you, so why does it matter whether you like to look at her?_

It felt strange to have somebody as delicate as Wonhee in his apartment without her being uncomfortable about the lack of space. The only one making her uncomfortable was him, now that she knew.

_She should have wanted to leave as soon as she apologised, so why is she still here?_

Wonhee was watching his motions, resting her cheek on her knee. “But do you actually know my boundaries? Or is it something that you are assuming? Don’t get me wrong- the way you treat me makes me think that my statement about men being a waste of air might have been wrong, but you don’t know what I want, do you? Because you don’t ask. Like I didn’t ask what you needed to feel better until I fucked up big time.”

_She's right. She's absolutely right._

"I am," he murmured and shifted the ice pack to not numb one spot for too long. "I am assuming and I'm sorry. I'm struggling to understand what you mean by doing me justice. Do you want to go on the streets and demonstrate that I should be loved? That's nice, but probably won't change anything about me being lonely."

The silence felt strange, so he lifted his gaze, only to see the complete lack of understanding on the pretty face. Wonhee was barely wearing any makeup, pale cheeks showing a few freckles that he hadn’t seen before and black eyes wide, staring at him.

“Why am I not allowed to do it myself instead of demonstrating? Never mind- because I’m an ignorant idiot. Even now I was actually supposed to make you feel better and instead I’m sitting on your bed without pants and you are kneeling next to my leg because I’m dumb.”

_Doing it... herself?_

Hyungwon immediately wanted to argue that Wonhee was anything but dumb, only unsure how to act, but the first sentence didn't let him go.

_Why would she want to?_

"You want to… love me?" he asked quietly, scared of hoping too much again where there was nothing to hope for. Wonhee had no reason to love him, not after struggling with the revelation for over a week.

_She rejected you. Is she playing with your feelings?_

“I want many things. Usually what I can’t have. Somehow I feel stupid for saying it,” she commented and sighed, burying her face in her knees and not saying a word for a while before speaking without lifting her head, sounds muffled by her knees. “Because it feels like I discovered something, and I really like it and I want to touch it and have it, but then find out what I saw was just the plastic packaging. I try to rip it and am surprised, but I want to know what’s inside, I want to unpack it all and look and touch it and smell it and press it against my naked chest and dance with it in the sun. But what I want to unpack keeps telling me that I only like the packaging.”

_Because she hasn't looked inside. She thinks she saw beyond the packaging but she didn't._

Hyungwon stared, struggling to believe that Wonhee was genuinely interested in… him. In the person that he was aside from who he tried to be next to her. His hands worked automatically and kept shifting the ice pack over Wonhee's naked legs, but his eyes were unable to look away from her face. She seemed genuine and aware, aware enough of what her words entailed, of what she was proposing.

_But she doesn't know what she will find, what hides underneath the packaging along with you._

"What if you get disappointed?" he whispered and couldn't help but stroke over Wonhee's knee and draw circles next to the ice pack. She was so beautiful and it hurt to know that things had changed because of the way that he was.

_It would be different if you weren't you._

Again there was no answer and Wonhee slowly shifted and lifted her head, black eyes immediately catching his gaze. “What if you do? I think it’s a bit delusional to assume that you’re the disappointing one here.”

_She has no idea, none at all. She thinks she understands but she must be far from it._

Hyungwon chuckled and brushed through his hair. Wonhee just didn't know. "I speak from experience. I doubt you've ever been with somebody who told you that you're great, but they really wish that you didn't have breasts."

“Well- I was with people who told me that I have a hole for a reason and wasn’t putting it to use properly, but I know nothing about your experiences, Hyungwon. I want to know all of it and I want to be sad and devastated about it. I made a mistake by acting the way I did. I know- fuck, I know! I’m sorry. You are not obliged to forgive me, I know that too, but- what can I do to make it better? Leave?” He didn’t expect it, but suddenly the round eyes filled with tears that simply dropped down those pretty legs.

_She's devastated because she doesn't want to leave, does she?_

"Don't leave," he murmured, overwhelmed by the sight and the reaction it caused in him. It felt like somebody had grabbed his insides and squeezed them painfully, forcing him to swallow. "Tell me- tell me why you are crying, Wonhee. What are you afraid of?"

_Is it you? Is she afraid of you or of the way you make her feel?_

"I'm crying because I'm an idiot. Because I can't keep the focus on you and shift it to myself." It looked so unreal, Wonhee didn't make a single sound, but the tears kept running down her cheeks like tiny waterfalls. "I'm scared that I broke something, that you're so hurt that it's easier to throw me out and that you don't want to have anything to do with me now."

_Why is she so scared of rejection after rejecting you herself? Does she want to remain close, like friends?_

"Shh, that's not it," he replied and reached out to stroke over Wonhee's black hair, all the way down before he resumed the motion at the top of her head. "If you could have any outcome you want, which outcome would it be?"

Hyungwon needed to know if Wonhee only came to apologize. He needed to make sure that it wasn't forgiveness that she sought, but something else. Something that kept loosening more and more bricks while making his heart beat furiously.

_Don't get hopeful, just don't._

"Are you going to give it to me because I'm crying?" Wonhee licked a tear from her top lip and continued chewing on the bottom one. Somehow it looked intense because there was such a big contrast between the tears and the intensity of her gaze, as if she couldn't allow herself to be vulnerable no matter what.

_She's so strong, stronger than she might seem. It's admirable._

"Only if it is also what I want," he replied quietly and brushed over Wonhee's soft cheek, catching some of the drops as they rolled over the back of his hand instead of breaking their trajectory.

"Smart. I would never know the truth because you're too nice. Look at how you're trying to fix my leg, my tears and my selfish desire to be with you."

_Is it smart to give somebody the chance to step all over you?_

"If somebody asked you why you would want to be with me," he began and rubbed over Wonhee's cheek again. It felt so soft and the sensation reminded him of when they had been close, how he touched and kissed her. It seemed like a dream now. "What would you reply?"

Wonhee sobbed and bit on her bottom lip. "That it's not their fucking business," she hissed and glanced away before shifting and grabbing her pants to pull them over her legs, leaving the cool pack and disregarding all his efforts. "I just want you to know that I'm sorry and that literally none of it is your fault. It's just me. I deal with stuff by ignoring it for weeks and hoping that the problem evaporates."

_But there was a problem in the first place, one that she fought by abandoning it. You were that problem._

"Did it evaporate?" His voice was barely a whisper and his hands rested uselessly at his sides now that he didn't have an excuse to touch Wonhee anymore. He was indeed desperate, desperately hoping that all those signs the woman in front of him was giving, all those small confessions meant that somewhere, deep down she wanted to try what nobody had bothered to try before.

_Be with you. That she actually wants to be with you._

"Well, what do you think?" Wonhee closed the button and lifted on all fours, staring at him through the tears. Something was different about that gaze, maybe it was the vulnerability that the black-haired woman finally dared to show, or the determination that she needed to finally leave. Shifting closer, gaze focused on his face and licking the tears from her lips, she whispered, "One."

All thoughts that had been running through his head right before that single word reached his consciousness seemed to stop in their tracks. Only the hammering of his heart in his ears remained as he sat on the floor next to the mattress and didn't dare move a single inch. He should have said something, clarified what exactly the problem was that Wonhee had hoped would evaporate. Hyungwon didn't know if it was feelings or guilt, but he didn't ask.

Instead, he swallowed and whispered back. "Two."

Wonhee stopped in the middle of the motion, but continued right away, one leg thrown over his hips and settling on his lap. "Three," she breathed out against his lips and leaned forward, catching them in a warm, salty kiss.

_But why?_

Hyungwon was embarrassed by the desperate sound that left his lips, by how badly his hands were shaking as he wrapped them around Wonhee's waist. A voice inside his head told him that it must be a test, a way for the woman in his arms to figure out if she could forget about the way he was.

The saddest bit was that Hyungwon wasn't sure he could say no, even if it was only his lips that Wonhee was willing to touch.

_You like her, even if you try to stop, you still do._

The kiss was desperate. As if the woman on top of him couldn't get enough, was scared that it would end any second. Her arms were wrapped around his neck, her fingers sunk into his hair and pulled him closer for her to taste more of his lips, to lick into his mouth hungrily. "You-" Wonhee muttered in between, unable to stop. "You- can throw me out now. I have my pants on."

Hyungwon would have laughed if he hadn't been too busy pulling Wonhee even closer to him and capturing those curved lips of hers with his own.

"Did you- say it because you want me to?" he forced out before pressing his mouth on top of Wonhee's again and inhaling the scent of flowers he liked so much. He had even dreamt about it, imagining Wonhee in a dress that he made in the hope to do the scent justice.

"No, I say it because I want to kiss you more and you should have the chance to put me in my place before I lose it." Wonhee pushed him to the mattress and leaned over him, sucking his lips into her mouth and playing with his bottom one, pulling at it with her teeth as the weight of her soft body covered his chest and the round hips pushed against his.

_Isn't she repulsed?_

Hyungwon couldn't believe it, gasping from Wonhee's ministrations and eyes wide open to make sure that this was really happening, that it wasn't one of his hopeful dreams that ended up with him waking up soaked and disappointed.

"What if I lose it first?" he gasped and roamed over Wonhee's back and partially under the bottom of her shirt, just enough to feel the lower part of her spine. She was everything he wanted, but he felt so scared. It wasn't the fear of discovery but the fear of disappointment this time. He was himself, but what if being himself wasn't enough?

_What if she needs something that you cannot give? You were rejected before._

"Lose it. I'm not going to stop you." Wonhee let go of his lips and nibbled on his neck, hands roaming over his chest, easily finding his nipples and playing with them through the fabric. "I decided that you will either throw me out or not and I'm not going to regret it because I'm a selfish bitch, but I'd rather-" Wonhee hissed softly, eyes rolling back. "I'd rather be a selfish bitch and be next to you than wherever being altruistic and humble would take me."

_She wants to be next to you._

The thought was there, clear as day inside his head. It was a reasonable conclusion to make from Wonhee's words. After all she had said it herself.

_But is it a reasonable conclusion for you?_

Hyungwon struggled to believe it, to accept that Wonhee liked him enough to see past his physical features. There had to be a catch, something that Wonhee wanted but that he would fail to provide in the end.

They were kissing passionately and he didn't want it to stop, never. He wanted to melt into the way Wonhee seemed to yearn for his touch and ban every concern from his mind. He really wanted to, but in the end his worries were so much louder inside his head.

"Don't you mind?" he gasped and bit down on his bottom lip painfully when Wonhee lifted her head to look at him.

"What? That there's no dick between your legs? I don't even like dick, for fuck's sake, Hyungwon. You want to lose it with me? Lose it! I don't know- what's going on down there, and I'll need help to know what you like, but can't you just help me? I'll do my best." Wonhee chewed on her lips, probably just as nervous, and fidgeted with the fabric over his nipples.

"It's- it's so hard to believe that you want to," he whispered and hated how choked up his voice sounded. It was pathetic that he was lying on top of a bunch of clothes with a beautiful woman that apparently wanted to be close to him on top of his lap and he felt like crying. "You say that you don't like dick, but-" He held his breath to hold back the tears. "But I'm not a woman either, Wonhee. I like myself, but- I'm the only one who does."

"You aren't the only one. You think that you are, but I like you too. This is not a one man show here." Wonhee sighed and let herself fall to the side, wrapping her arms around his middle. "Is it too much? Am I too much?"

He shook his head, unable to say anything since his throat felt so clogged up. His arms wrapped around Wonhee in return and he buried his face in her neck, breathing slowly to calm himself down.

"I'm just scared," he breathed out eventually. "I'm hopeful but so fucking scared."

Wonhee stroked over his shoulders before the warm fingertips raked through his hair slowly. "I have no idea how that feels, but I'm scared too. I'm scared that I'm going to make a mistake and lose you forever. I read a thousand things, but I still don't seem to understand what you need, even though I want to give you all of it. All the things in the world. Just like you deserve."

"You're so nice that it keeps feeling like a dream. I keep thinking that you might get disappointed in the end because you don't know what it will be like next to me. What if I’m too scared to get close? Will you still want to be next to me?"

_Why are you pressuring her so much? Shouldn't you be taking what you can get?_

Hyungwon didn't have the luxury of asking such questions, not when Wonhee was the person he wanted the most.

"I will suffer because I want you so much, but it will be… fine? Because my clit won't fall off and I won't die either. If you don't want to be close to me because you need an infinite amount of time, then that's how it is. I'll wait. I'll wait until you want me to touch you." Leaning forward, Wonhee placed a kiss on the top of his head, letting the touch stay longer.

"Shit," he gasped, dizzy from Wonhee's words, from what they meant and that he wasn't dreaming. Did he really have to torture himself like that? To reject what seemed to be the first time somebody showed the genuine desire to be with him? Was saving himself the disappointment worth it?

_Aren't you meant to stay on your own?_

Hyungwon wasn’t able to do it when Wonhee dared to step closer for the first time and he wasn't able to do it now.

"I- I forgive you," he stuttered and kept his forehead pressed to the round chest. "I like you so much, Wonhee."

"You do?" The big eyes widened as the gorgeous woman lifted her face and he felt the need to touch those freckles. "Thank you so much, Hyungwon. Thank you." Wonhee grabbed his face and kissed his cheeks, his nose and forehead before finishing with his lips and keeping the touch infinitely.

_Why does this feel so good? So good that you're scared of the moment it will end._

He wrapped his arms around Wonhee and kissed back, holding her tightly until he finally leaned back to inhale.

"Can I… give you something?" he asked and felt stupid for wanting to burden Wonhee with his own creations.

"You want to give me something?" The surprise looked genuine and Wonhee wrapped her arms tighter around him, as if she was scared that he would run away as soon as they separated.

"Yeah, I-" He swallowed. "I made something for you."

_Because even though you thought you weren't going to see her again, you thought about her._

He shifted, but didn't free himself from Wonhee's embrace. He didn't want her to feel like he was rejecting her.

_You don't want her to feel the way you did._

"You made something for me? I- nobody ever made anything for me…" Wonhee whispered, slowly letting go, but still sitting on his lap. "You need me to climb down, don't you?"

"Yeah, kinda." He chuckled and shifted his arm, only to end up impaling himself with a bobby pin. He cursed and pulled it out of his forearm before attempting to throw it towards the little box he usually kept them in. "Those little things are everywhere. My mattress isn't really in any state to be used as a bed at the moment."

“You want to use it as a bed right now? Why?” Wonhee wiggled her eyebrows, before grabbing his arm and kissing the spot that the pin was stuck in. Smiling prettily, the black-haired woman climbed from his lap and sat on her shins, observing him intently.

_She probably cannot understand why you are so scared of being close. You couldn't bear another rejection right now._

He smiled back even though being close hadn't really been on his mind. His mattress only functioned as a bed late at night when he was done with some of the clothes he needed to finish on time.

Climbing off the mattress, he made his way towards one of the boxes that he kept finished projects in. It was filled with creations that were either not meant for the shop or were too personal to show anybody. The pair of sneakers was easy to find because it was the most recent addition to the box. They looked nice even though Hyungwon still felt like he hadn't done a good enough job. The blue lilac was prettily stitched on top of the white fabric and covered most of the sides until the tip of the sneaker. They were small, oh so small and he genuinely hoped that Wonhee would like them.

"It's-" he started and finally pulled them out of the box, holding them so that Wonhee could see them. "It's a present."

He didn’t know what he had expected, but Wonhee looked completely out of it, shock parting the curved lips and hands shaking as she stretched them out and carefully took the sneakers, stroking over the stitched pattern.

“Oh my god, these are the most beautiful things that I own,” she whispered. “How am I supposed to wear them, when they’re so precious? Fuck.”

"You said this is the first time somebody made something for you, but don't you… wear custom made things a lot?" He chewed on his cheek and couldn't help seeing bits where the blossoms could have been done nicer. Now it was too late. "This isn't even custom made because I had nothing but your shoe size."

“No, it’s different. It’s one thing if somebody does stuff because they don’t have my shoe size and another if there’s a person who tells me that I would be a lilac and then actually creates shoes for me, embroidering a lilac onto them. They’re so beautiful, Hyungwon. Thank you so fucking much. I don’t deserve them, but I’ll still take them.” Wonhee lifted one sneaker to her lips and kissed the stitched flower before quickly rearranging her legs to try them on. When she tied her shoelaces, she jumped up and walked a few steps in his tiny room. When Wonhee turned around there was a gorgeous smile on her face and she whispered a quiet ‘thank you’.

"Are they comfortable?" he asked quietly and couldn't express how much he enjoyed seeing Wonhee wear something that he created and look so happy while doing so. "I'm shamelessly happy to have you wear my creations."

_It seems perfect, as if she likes you the way you are._

It was naive of him, but he imagined that Wonhee felt the same way about him that she felt about the sneakers, appreciative and thankful to have them even though they weren't worth all that much.

It looked too good to be true and things were often not as they seemed. Hyungwon wasn't going to deny Wonhee, he didn't have the strength to do it. But at the same time he didn't want to bare himself to be hurt either. It was something in between. He was grasping her hand while constantly checking whether she was really holding it out in the first place.

_Maybe she doesn't know what it means to be with you. She probably can't tell that not everybody treats you the way she does._

“Do you-” she started and walked towards him, kneeling in front of him and pulling a thin golden ring from her thumb. “Do you think you would be interested in being- my boyfriend for real?”

_Is she… proposing to you but not for marriage but a relationship?_

He was so dumbfounded that he didn't know what to say at first, staring at Wonhee's delicate fingers and the equally delicate ring.

"Aren't rings usually for… marriage?" he mumbled and felt ridiculously hot suddenly, as sweat drops developed on his forehead. He couldn't believe that Wonhee would want to, that she'd be willing to actually be with him.

_She wants you to be her boyfriend. Not her pretend boyfriend._

“I’m an idiot, I know- but the thing is that you gave me this amazing present and I wanted to ask you if you would be up for dealing with me without all that pretence, but it seems so stupid to ask after getting a present and I also think this ring would look pretty on you and if you look at it you could imagine your idiot girlfriend. If you agree, that is.” Wonhee was babbling and fumbled with the ring, glancing at him occasionally to see his reaction.

_Do you agree?_

The question was a pointless one, because Hyungwon had decided before that he liked Wonhee, that he enjoyed her company and that he considered her a wonderful person.

_But do you think this will work out?_

To be honest, he didn't really think that there was going to be a happy end. Wonhee wasn't to blame for that judgement, but she couldn't really change it either. Hyungwon didn't believe that the two of them could work out because there were no real guidelines for him to be happy, not like they existed for other people. The page for trans people must have been ripped out or never written in the first place.

Hyungwon thought all of that and knew what he believed, but at the same time he wanted it to work. He wanted to give it a chance and be with Wonhee even if he was going to be devastated in the end.

_You're so lonely, you can't help it._

"I do," he whispered and stretched out his right hand while chewing on his cheek. "If you really mean it, then I accept."

“I think I’m hyperventilating.” Wonhee took his hand and carefully put the thin ring on his ring finger that fit as if it was his own. “Look how perfectly it fits,” she murmured. “I… to be honest, I kind of feel that you are not very positive about this, but I can’t help it. I want it too much. I’m sorry if you feel pressured. I will try my best.” Lifting on her feet, Wonhee took her bag and walked towards the door. “That was a lot, right? Please try a cookie, they’re really good and- you can come over. I have more.”

Hyungwon swallowed, unsure what to say because relationships were meant to start on a positive note and not with thoughts of their imminent end.

"It's not only about you," he replied and did his best to smile while lifting his hand with the ring to his lips, kissing it softly the way Wonhee had kissed the stitched pattern on her sneakers. "I'll do my best too. I promise, even if it isn't much."

“Let me just say one thing, even though one should be leaving with a bang and stuff. Do you know why I jumped on the offer of the fake boyfriend? Remember, when you told me about it at the cafe?” Wonhee curled her fingers around the handle and slowly opened the door, stepping out and not bothering about her expensive sneakers that she left next to the bed. “Because you said that you’re not qualified and don’t know shit and that it won’t be worth my money. I thought that I needed to do it to at least show you that it’s not true, that you’re amazing. Look how amazing you are.” With those words, the gorgeous black-haired woman left, closing the door and leaving him in his tiny room with the thin ring on his finger as a confirmation that it really happened.

_Look how amazing you are._

Hyungwon stood there, in his single room apartment next to a wedding dress that was half finished, garments that covered the floor and a single pair of expensive sneakers that didn't fit in with the rest. It was like him, only that he was neither expensive nor valuable compared to everything around him.

_She'll be disappointed, won't she?_

Probably.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 7

_If you throw your shoe down the hallway, how many seconds would it take until it hits the wall?_

Wonhee sat on her bed and kept staring at the pretty white sneakers with the stitched on lilac that made her heart beat faster. For the first time she consciously understood how gigantic her apartment was, how much space she had to do literally nothing, when other people, specifically Hyungwon, had to use a tiny space to live, cook, work and sleep.

_But you weren’t today years old when you realized that you’re fucking privileged, were you?_

She wasn’t and she couldn’t believe that Hyungwon had created something for her in his limited space while working on other projects and things.

_You still have no idea about him, do you?_

There was something between them, she knew and she could feel it, but the way Hyungwon seemed utterly unimpressed by her offer, looking more sad than anything else, told her that it wasn’t that easy. Not at all. Maybe it was because of her. It probably was her fault for hurting him with her touch, her lack of response and her greedy personality.

_It’s you, but still you want him. As usual._

To be very honest, it wasn’t usual at all. It wasn’t like her to be rejected and continue wanting more and it wasn’t like her to be so fucking horny all the time even though the other person obviously needed time. Time she was ready to invest.

_You must really like him…_

The feeling of dependency was driving her insane, she wanted to call, to write, do anything to reconfirm that Hyungwon still wanted her. What was she? Needy? Stupid? Lonely? Yes, yes, yes. All of the above.

_And he hasn’t called yet, probably trying to find words to dump you but being too nice._

Only those sneakers standing right in the middle of her make-up table gave her a bit of reassurance. The knowledge, that even though Hyungwon’s feelings might have changed, there had been something before, something big enough to think of her and make those shoes for her.

_You need to grab it and never let go, Wonhee._

If only she knew how to do that, the only thing she had ever done was sit through what she hated and run away if she was able to.

The ringing of her phone pulled her out of her thoughts and she glanced at the word ‘mom’, swallowing and contemplating whether she should pick up at all. It was all fine if she could say the usual three sentences and be left alone, but something told her that wasn’t going to be the case this time.

_Something? You mean the five missed calls in the past twenty four hours?_

She sighed and played with the phone in her hand before taking the call and throwing the device on her bed, throwing herself right after.

“Wonhee? Is everything alright with you? You haven’t picked up any of my calls and I got worried and was about to send Martin to check on you.”

_Great._

“No need. I’m good, I was outside and forgot my phone. Is something the matter?” She hoped that the conversation would be over soon because she didn’t like the goose bumps she got from listening to her mom’s voice. The same voice that had told her to not ‘act up’ about Mark.

“I wanted to question you about your new boyfriend. There were a few articles and inquiries that came in, I guess because of his unusual visuals, but we have no idea about him and weren’t able to look into it, you know we’re busy.”

“Don’t,” she hissed in reply, before catching herself and swallowing the following words. “Is there something that you need to know? Can’t you just decline the inquiries? Don’t you usually do that with critical stuff?”

“But Wonhee, dear, it’s not critical, but it can become critical. What is his occupation? Does he have people of interest in the family? How long have you been dating already? It’s not serious, right?”

_What?_

“Why wouldn’t it be serious? He makes clothes and no, there are no people of interest. That’s why I hope that they’ll just leave him alone, it’s a pain if he gets pestered because of me.” God, she hated this conversation so much, fist clenching and unclenching to stop her from saying something that would undoubtedly have negative consequences.

_There’s no forgiveness in this family._

“Oh? A designer? I haven’t heard of him. Is he local? And could you please consider that he should be happy to be dating somebody like you and getting all that attention for the limited timespan. It’s like a free deal for him, Wonhee. Be careful with favours too, he probably wants you to wear his clothes to promote. Why would he have approached you otherwise?”

_Yeah, why? You’re not attractive or skinny, smart or interesting in any way. That’s why you approached him and that’s why your family has no fucking idea about the world, thinking everything revolves around them._

“I approached him. I like him and I asked him if he would date me and I’m lucky that he said yes. That’s basically it. I just hope the media can leave me and him alone and if you don’t force me to come to other events, there will be no problem. Don’t they usually lose interest quickly if there’s no input? I would really- like it if I could stay low now. I’m not even an especially pretty accessory or anything. I just stand there and eat. Right?” She chuckled and let her index finger circle right above the hang up sign, chewing on her lips.

“Are you mad because of some critique? Your weight is manageable with a diet and a good workout routine, not that we didn’t give you a personal trainer already, so you can’t say that we didn’t help. It’s your turn. But why would you run after some guy if you have Mark at your feet? It would be so perfect, please think about it. He even forgave you for being rude to him, so you shouldn’t be like that. Reconsider, it would be the better alternative to dating some person we don’t know anything about and who could have ulterior motives and create negative consequences for the company.”

_He even forgave you…_

She couldn’t help it and laughed out loud, before apologizing and saying that she remembered something funny, even though it wasn’t fucking funny. Of course her mom didn’t have any understanding and told her to consider hiring a personal trainer, to stop baking and get her private life under control in the next few weeks because more events were coming up. Wonhee said yes to everything, wondering what she was actually doing by pulling an innocent person into the hell pit that was her life apart from the money and finally hung up, burying her face in the soft blanket and breathing her own scent, wishing there was some of Hyungwon’s warm honey fragrance but there wasn’t.

_There isn’t._

Maybe it was the confirmation that she needed, showing so clearly that she had created a bubble where she could happily annoy Hyungwon without engaging with her family matters, the constant critique on her visuals, her figure and her habits, where she could abandon all those expectations that made her nauseous, and simply melt in an embrace of somebody who didn’t care about any of it and only seemed to care about her as she cared about him in return.

_You miss him._

_

Her jumpsuit was hugging her curves and she liked how it looked, nobody else did, but whatever. As long as the person inside the tiny apartment upstairs approved, she couldn't give less fucks.

_Lies. You always act as if you don't care, but it makes you self conscious._

Those people didn't understand that the frustration just made her bake more and eat more, so it didn't really work.

_You even have a reason to come this time._

Making up excuses was new. Since when did she need an excuse to see somebody who she was supposed to be in a relationship with?

The front door was open this time, so she walked up the stairs, watching the pretty shoes that Hyungwon made take one step after another until she finally stood in front of the apartment.

"Are you visiting Mrs. Chae?" a voice asked behind her and she turned around, facing a middle aged man who looked at her in question.

"Who's Mrs. Chae?" she asked, wondering if Hyungwon lived with somebody else. With somebody who had the same surname. "You mean Mr?"

"No, I mean the girl that's living in the apartment you're about to enter. I have a package for her, could you give it to her? I never manage."

_What?_

She was so confused that she simply stared and wondered if she made a mistake with the door, but the name on the bell said Chae. It was Hyungwon's apartment.

_Are you losing your shit?_

A package was pushed against her chest and she looked up, curling her arms around it, unsure what to say. Then she decided to check the addressee.

"It says Hyungwon Chae. He's a man, not a woman," she said, lifting her gaze and observing the man who was about to disappear into his room, murmuring 'That's what she thinks' and laughing before the door closed.

_He just laughed. That jizzcock._

She was about to ring at that fucking door and call that bastard out for being an utter piece of shit, but she heard the door open behind her and turned around, facing Hyungwon.

He looked as gorgeous as ever, only a little awkward with what looked like the heart-shaped top of an evening dress pulled on top of his t-shirt. His shirt was black, but the dress top was a blood red and Wonhee wondered whether the black-haired man thought a simple t-shirt wasn’t enough coverage. Either that or it was a new sense of fashion she wasn’t able to appreciate yet.

“W-Wonhee,” he stuttered and quickly removed some bobby pins from the blood-red fabric in order to peel it off his chest. “I was just trying to get the right proportions and it’s easier when you try it on once. I… didn’t expect you. Is that for me?”

A long index finger pointed at the package in her arms as Hyungwon continued fumbling some more while looking rather embarrassed.

_He's so beautiful and adorable. This is unfair._

"You look like the ace of hearts." She winked and entered the small apartment, placing the box on the floor along with her bag and untied her shoelaces. "Are you making new clothes? Looks hot already."

“Far from it.” Hyungwon smiled back and quickly pushed his sewing kit and what looked like three pairs of transparent, red pants to the side with his foot. “I found a few pairs of pants at one of those second hand stores in the city and liked the texture. I wanted to try to make a rose dress from them, but I’m not sure how it’ll turn out yet.”

"Stunning? You know that your neighbour across the hall is a piece of shit, right? Just in case you weren’t aware. And I brought a plain white shirt because you said you wanted to make it prettier. It was my excuse, but actually I wanted to go out and eat lunch with you. Or should we get delivery? Whatever you like." She struggled to keep her cool and not jump into the slim arms because she missed Hyungwon so much, but he didn't seem to feel the same, so she didn't.

“You’re- pretty straight-forward.” Hyungwon smiled bashfully and fixed the fit of his wide shirt by pulling at the edges a little bit. Wonhee was so happy to see him and from the way the black-haired man kept staring at her it seemed like he wasn’t angry that she came, but as usual she couldn’t tell what was on his mind. “I’d love to adjust your shirt for you. About lunch- we can go out. Around this time there shouldn’t be too many people at the D&D around the corner.”

Hyungwon skillfully ignored the comment about the neighbour and focused on everything else that she had said, still busy making some space for her to stand.

"Then let me put my shoes back on," she murmured and tied her laces before pulling the white designer shirt out of her bag and placing it on the side of the mattress that wasn't covered in stuff. "I'm not straightforward at all because I'm scared to make a mistake. How- have you been?"

There was a slight change in Hyungwon’s face, barely visible and Wonhee couldn’t pin-point exactly what it was, but it was surely there. The tall man looked around until he reached for his improvised wardrobe and took off a leather jacket with an unusual cut. He must have made it himself too. It looked awesome.

“Lonely,” Hyungwon replied eventually and brushed through his long hair. “How have you been?”

"I missed you so much that I spent forty minutes smelling my bed to identify a tiny spot where it smelled a bit like you and lay there for another two hours." Wonhee didn't know what to say because she didn't know if Hyungwon felt lonely because of her or in general.

_Now he'll think that you're obsessive._

Instead of replying, Hyungwon carefully stretched out his hand and reached for her wrist, wrapping his fingers around it. Wonhee didn’t know what to expect as Hyungwon pulled just enough to motivate her to walk two steps towards him, stopping so that there were only a few centimetres between them.

“Like… this?” Hyungwon asked and tilted his head to the side while leaning down, just enough to let her inhale the scent of his neck.

_You want to attach yourself._

It was hard to resist just looking at him, but inhaling the scent of warm honey was simply impossible to resist. It was fucking impossible to ignore the warmth that his body radiated, pulling her like a magnet and making her arms travel along his sides, careful to not touch his chest and wrapping around his neck, nose rubbing against the warm skin that felt like the fucking salvation.

_You're so stupid, but you can't help it._

The only sound that left her lips was a hum, lips vibrating against Hyungwon's delicious skin. If only he knew how he tasted, maybe he would understand why she was being like this.

She heard a gasp and felt Hyungwon’s fingers tighten around her wrist. The grip wasn’t meant to stop her and seemed to be a reaction to the way it felt to have her lips so close. “I missed your scent too,” Hyungwon replied quietly and kissed the top of her head.

_Beautifully platonic._

It wasn't surprising to her, she knew so well how it felt, how tension that seemed so thick suddenly dissipated and turned into careful hesitation, into a brief kiss, not long enough to provoke anything else. She knew, but it didn't make it less painful because she still felt it. She stayed back in the bubble. It was Hyungwon who left.

She pressed her lips together to not feel any more of the crippling self pity that threatened to spill over like water running down her makeup covered cheeks, a hint of pathetic truth over a wall covered in pretense. The reminder appeared just in time for her to stop.

_It's your fault. Not his._

"I think it would smell good on you too, but the warm honey one is superb," she commented with a smile and leaned back, carefully sliding her arms down Hyungwon's shoulders before they hung loosely at her sides. "Let's go. I don't want to take more of your time than necessary, you have to work and I can do what I want."

Hyungwon examined her face for a few moments before nodding slowly and slipping into a pair of shoes that looked like one of his creations.

"I'm sorry for giving you the impression that I don't enjoy your company," the black-haired man remarked. "I do."

Silence followed as Hyungwon grabbed his keys and opened the door for them to leave, locking it with the key once they were on the staircase. His eyes travelled restlessly until he must have found the right words for his thoughts. "I like the fragrance on you, because it makes me think of you whenever I smell flowers. I'm- I'm really glad that you came."

_You never thought that he doesn't enjoy spending time with you. It's just not… the same way you feel._

She nodded and followed him out, stepping onto the street and pulling a pair of sunglasses out of her bag because it was sunny and that meant the paparazzi were outside too. It felt easier to stretch out her hand as soon as they walked a few steps, because Hyungwon couldn't tell the way she felt, how her eyes looked behind those sunglasses. "Would you like to hold hands?"

There was a hint of blush on Hyungwon's cheeks and he seemed surprised, but those long fingers grasped hers and held on tightly.

"Your hands are so small. Is it bad that I like how they feel in my hands?" the low voice asked and instantly reminded her of the forest again, the impression Hyungwon had given her since day one. "I still can't believe you are wearing my present. I- wear yours too."

She smiled to herself and stroked over the thin ring on Hyungwon's finger, imagining that the man next to her really was hers. "Are the lunch places far from here?" she asked as her facial expression glitched because she saw a car with tinted windows drive past. She swallowed and glanced at the license plate, making sure that it indeed was one of the company cars.

_Now they're watching you. Great._

"No, they’re just around the corner." Hyungwon smiled and pulled her along towards a small Dean&David that only had one other couple waiting for their order close to the bathroom. It was a strange choice for a table, but had the advantage of being the furthest from the entrance. Wonhee would have liked that one for some privacy.

The tall man next to her seemed oblivious at first until she must have missed a question as big brown eyes were focused on her and seemed to be waiting for something.

"Is something the matter? Have you-" Hyungwon swallowed. "Changed your mind because people are staring?"

"What? About what? Sorry, I haven't been listening. I spaced out." Wonhee wasn't sure what to do for damage control, so she lifted on her tiptoes and placed a brief kiss on Hyungwon's plump lips, hating how much she liked even that brief touch. It was okay to just do it, right? It was something that Hyungwon probably expected from being in a relationship, didn't he? Still she looked up, asking if he was okay.

The blush that had developed as they held hands increased and Hyungwon nodded before wrapping an arm around her shoulders carefully.

"I asked what you would like to eat. I want to treat you." Hyungwon smiled and briefly glanced at the couple in the corner before returning his attention to her.

_He's just breath-taking._

"I have eaten here only once since moving to Munich and I think I ate a muffin. Is there something you would recommend?"

The more time passed the happier Hyungwon looked next to her, smiling more often and squeezing her shoulder when he wanted her to look at the menu he was describing. "I really like the salmon avocado bowl, but that's just my preference. I love everything avocado."

"Dead fish? Can only be good. I'll take that one." She grinned and couldn't believe that Hyungwon actually wanted to treat her even though everybody and their mother knew that she had money and expected her to pay, which she did.

_He keeps saying that he's different, but it's the good kind of different. The different that more people should be like._

Hyungwon turned towards the counter and began to order, getting two bowls, one large Chai Latte and-

"I don't actually know what you like to drink," he murmured and turned towards her. At that moment Wonhee realised that the man at the counter was blatantly staring at him as if he couldn't quite figure him out.

_Why the fuck is he staring?_

The remains of her involuntary meeting with Hyungwon's neighbour came to mind and she felt it boiling in her veins. "I usually drink iced latte, but a hot one is good too. I'll take whatever you get for us, love." Wonhee smiled before turning to the guy at the cashier and staring him down with her sunglasses pulled a bit further down her nose.

There was a hint of recognition on the guy's face, probably because he was one of those creeps who talked shit about her on social media. Her gaze must have reached its goal though, since there was simply a bunch of quick typing on the machine and they were handed a buzzer to wait for their order.

"You… don't have to, you know," Hyungwon murmured as he pulled her along to a table close to the door, but around a corner and therefore not too visible. "I'm used to it."

"This is bullshit. This is like- the biggest bullshit ever, Hyungwon. Why would you get used to people being ignorant shit heads towards you? The only reason I didn't ring on your neighbour's door and tell him that he's a piece of shit is because you came out and because I didn't want you to feel uncomfortable and hate me. I'm not doing this because I have to, and I literally did nothing, I'm doing it because that's basic human decency and has nothing to do with my relationship with you. You will dump me and I’ll still continue. It's the right thing to do. They're wrong." She crossed her arms, getting angry and remembering why she didn't have friends apart from Yeojoo.

"But… is it really human decency if the majority of humans don't do it?" Hyungwon asked and played with one of the napkins that lay in a pile on the table. He was folding something out of it while smiling to himself. It looked sad and Wonhee hated that a random person was able to have that effect on Hyungwon.

"Different question. If every man I've ever met treated me like a mute fuck toy, is that the standard? Are we going to set the standard by how people behave and not by how they are supposed to act? I don't think so, Hyungwon. I-" She looked at the expression on the handsome face and shifted closer, carefully wrapping her fingers around Hyungwon's big hands, tracing the ring with her index finger. He looked as if it was all futile. "You seem tired. You're tired of it, right?"

“Because you’re not the first one to say it.” Hyungwon smiled again, mouth corners lifting up but not quite reaching his eyes. “There are always some people that find out the way I am treated and say ‘this is terrible and why isn’t it different’, but it isn’t different because just like with terrible things on the news people happen to forget the next day if it doesn’t concern them. It’s just how it is and I’m used to it by now. I guess that’s the price one pays for sticking out.”

_This is so unfair._

"I don't expect you to speak out. You must be sick and tired of this, but I'm not. I hope it's okay with you." Wonhee grabbed the buzzer right when it started vibrating and stood up to walk around the table and collect their order. It was a lot, so she brought one of the trays first, staring the guy down before returning and placing the buzzer back on the stack.

_There's a reason you don't talk to people. They suck._

"Is there something that's bothering you?" she asked with a smile, fixing the glasses on her nose. "Do we know each other? I realized you were looking."

“What? No, there’s nothing bothering me. I just looked because you are pretty.” The guy grinned and busied himself with sticking bills onto a metal needle right next to the cashier.

"My face must've been reflecting my boyfriend's face then. That's some magical bullshit." She took a walnut from the salad and put it into her mouth, chewing it briefly to distract herself from curses that asked to be left out. "Don't stare, it makes people uncomfortable and there might be people who’ll make you uncomfortable in return," she commented and glanced at the name badge. "Eric."

It was like godly fate that the stupid fucking car with tinted windows stopped in front of the restaurant and she gestured towards it, grinning and getting a nod from the driver because he thought it was for him. "Have a nice day."

Her hands were shaking a little because no matter what, calling people out on shitty behaviour was scary because one never knew how they would react and she felt bad being next to men she didn't know in particular.

Bad experiences.

_But also with men you know._

Despite all that, she managed to take the tray to the table and smile at Hyungwon who had already organised the napkins and cutlery.

“Do you think he will think before ogling next time?” Hyungwon asked and added a bit of pepper to his bowl before doing the same with hers. He must have done it without thinking about it, mirroring his own taste. As soon as he realized he chewed on his bottom lip and apologized bashfully. “Usually I eat on my own, sometimes two portions, that’s why I just did it without asking first.”

"I think it's cute. I think you're cute. And I don't know if he will stare. The more people share their discomfort the likelier it gets, I guess. I'm not a magician, but I hate being silent about things that aren't right. I guess it's because I have had to since birth." Wonhee shifted closer and mixed everything quickly. It looked delicious, so she stuffed a big spoon into her mouth and chewed.

"What do you mean?"

She felt Hyungwon's gaze on her as she stuffed the second big spoon into her mouth.

"Nah, nothing much. My family has a specific attitude towards communication, truth and what you're allowed to say and what not. They back all of that up with very interesting arguments." She smirked, remembering how her mom basically rationalised abuse. "I really have nothing to complain about, I have everything."

"Money isn't everything though, is it?" Suddenly Hyungwon chuckled. "I mean, maybe that's what I tell myself because I don't have any, but to me, lack of money has always seemed like pain at the back of my head. Once it's gone life will be easier, but it won't be perfect. The pain disappearing doesn't automatically give you something in return."

_You never cared about it because you don't know what it's like to lack it._

"I grew up with the premise that money is everything. Money is more important than anything else and the maximisation of wealth should be the driving force behind every action. Sexy, right? That's why I'm not a person but a bunch of shares. Apart from you. You treat me like a person even though we don't feel the same. I'm still thankful to you. I'm so thankful, you don't even know." Suddenly, she felt like crying in the middle of eating her salmon bowl, being observed by somebody her parents sent and only wishing that she could be in a bubble with Hyungwon and that he would like her back.

Suddenly, there were fingers against the back of her hand, stroking only lightly at first before it turned into a proper touch and Hyungwon took her hand.

"You got it wrong," he whispered and shifted a little towards the edge of the bench he sat on, moving closer towards her. "It's not even though I don't feel the same. It's independent of the fact that I feel the same. You are a wonderful human being and you shouldn't need me to be aware of it."

_He is still trying to be nice to you._

"But I do need you. Because I feel like my lungs can take up more air when I'm next to you and even though I'm fucking scared to make another mistake, I still feel like being next to you is the highlight of my day. Something that I want to reward myself with, that's why I can't have it every day just because I want to. I need to earn it." She felt like an idiot and she should've just eaten her food that Hyungwon got for her, but she glanced down and stared at his fingers around her hand, trying to remember how it looks.

"I'm fucking scared too," Hyungwon whispered and shifted back on his seat. His hand remained on top of hers, but he lifted a spoon of his own dish with his other hand and placed it into his mouth. The way he ate was so delicate compared to her. "Would you like to sit next to me instead of across? That's what you did the first time we went to eat together and I was so surprised I could barely breathe."

"Because I'm scary," she chuckled and stuffed another spoon into her mouth. "I'm sorry for being like this, I shouldn't make it about myself but I keep doing it. Thank you so much for inviting me. It means a lot to me."

"It means a lot to me that you're here and want to be next to me. Even outside." Hyungwon smiled and ate another spoonful while staring at his plate and squeezing her hand. "I'm not scared because of you, but because of mistakes I could make or things you can discover. You know how you can be close to somebody, but then there's this little detail you simply cannot bear? I feel like I have a lot of such tiny little details. Maybe even some big ones. Not a dick though."

Hyungwon briefly laughed to himself and took a quick sip of his Chai, coughing cause he did it so quickly.

"I'm kind of glad that you have no idea about the kind of thoughts I'm thinking that are absolutely not platonic because otherwise I would lose face. Whatever you have, I want it all." She belatedly realised that it sounded pressuring and swallowed her food before lifting her gaze and meeting Hyungwon's big eyes. "I'm going to wait until you might be ready to share it with me. I am ready and it feels like I like you more with every single thing you say, so I doubt that what you said applies to me."

"What if you simply can't imagine it?" Hyungwon asked and twirled the spoon inside his Chai, mixing the spices with the milk. "I'm… thankful that you feel this way and I would be lying if I said that I don't want to be close to you. It's just that I don't want to overwhelm you because it's not what you know. Even if you think that you do- you don't really."

"I looked through pictures of trans surgeries and a video of a bottom surgery, so I do think that I've seen a lot, but you're right that I haven't seen you. I will tell you what I think, okay?" Smiling, she prepared herself and took a deep breath, staring right into those gorgeous eyes. "I think that you like me, as a friend, I guess? I like you a lot, Hyungwon, and I enjoy every second with you, but later… when you actually find somebody that you love, it would be nice if you would think about what you want and need and not about what the other person might be disappointed in. If they're disappointed, then they weren't right in the first place, so why give them more of your heart if they're going to break it anyway? But if it's something that you need for yourself, that you need time with, then you should have all the time that you need in this world because it's your right and the right person can wait."

Hyungwon listened intently, fingers playing with the spoon inside his drink while his other hand was still resting on top of hers, warming it.

"Do you really think that I would have agreed to date you if I wanted to be your friend, Wonhee?" the low voice asked finally and those long fingers slipped in between hers. "I like you too. I like you so much that I'm scared of it because I simply don't know what it's like to be with anybody, Wonhee. The only experience at relationships I have was before I finally became the person I want to be. I- I need time to show myself, to feel at ease next to another person. Would you be willing to wait?"

_Maybe your expectations are indeed different, Wonhee. It doesn't have to be the way it usually is. But maybe he cannot distinguish between attraction and friendship. You simply don't know._

She didn't know what to say to all that, but Hyungwon has asked her something, asked for understanding and for empathy because it wasn't fucking easy and she should've known better after her own experiences.

_You didn't really talk to him about your experiences, thinking that it's convenient as it doesn't really concern his wishes._

"If I'm the right person-" she whispered. "Then I should be able to wait, right?"

***

_It's like a soap bubble, isn't it?_

Hyungwon felt like he was living in one whenever Wonhee stepped into his life. The breath-taking woman had the ability to cover his surroundings in a prism of colours that only bubbles were able to create. It seemed brand new and unexpected, so much more than he could hope for.

_But then you manage to glance past the soapy surface and realize that it is only a bubble._

He liked it in there, feeling safe and cared about. Wonhee seemed nervous too and her touches and affectionate words made his heart beat furiously and his speech stutter. Only when the outside applied pressure to the soapy surface, did he realise that it wasn't real. Not really at least.

People were still staring at him, aware that something was off. Wonhee still felt the need to protect him even though Hyungwon knew that it wasn't going to change anything. There were so many people who needed to change their mind, that he simply didn't have the strength to convince them all. He just wanted to live without constantly being reminded that he wasn't enough, not for those people at least.

_But it's not only strangers, it will be the people close to her as well._

There was a black car outside the restaurant and Wonhee's glances towards it were enough to know that it must have been somebody she knew. Those people had expectations too and Hyungwon wasn't going to be able to fulfil them, no matter how much he tried.

_You know about high society, don't you? You could never be good enough._

Hyungwon knew about the pain and disappointment outside the soapy walls, but looking at Wonhee and holding her hand made him forget about them for a little bit. Even if just for a few seconds, he couldn't resist focusing on the glittery surface of the bubble and pretending that it wasn't a bubble at all.

The way Wonhee looked at him, how she talked about wanting to be the right person for him, about being able to wait until he felt ready to be close. All of it was so different from her initial reaction when they were close. Wonhee had rejected him, but now she suddenly wanted to be close, even to have him as her boyfriend.

_The role you never thought you could have._

Was a week of thinking really enough to make such a decision? Hyungwon couldn't help but think that Wonhee simply didn't know what it means to be with him. The stares were only the beginning and even though the black-haired woman felt ready to fight now, would she still be willing to fight in a week? In a month? In a year?

_Can you really expect anybody to fight for you if you don't even fight for yourself anymore?_

"What if there is no right person?" he asked quietly and hated how vulnerable he sounded. It was a constant thought on his mind, the conviction that somebody like him was meant to be alone. Some found partners and established relationships before transitioning, but how was one supposed to find somebody when not fitting in was this obvious?

_Most people see it, no matter how much you try._

Hyungwon didn't even belong to the community that was supposed to feel the same way he did. He was caught in a limbo that he seemed destined to live in forever.

Wonhee looked at him for a few seconds, gaze and expression somehow vulnerable, before it was wiped from the round face and turned into a brief chuckle as the black-haired woman stuffed the rest of the quinoa into her mouth. "You probably mean what if I'm not the right person. It's okay, Hyungwon. It doesn't have to be me and I won't force myself on you, but I'm thankful that you're letting me try."

_She seems to be just as worried about your feelings towards her as you are about hers, but why? Shouldn't it be easy for her to be loved and accepted?_

"I meant that people like me are probably meant to end up alone," he murmured and tried to forget himself in food the way Wonhee did. She probably couldn't understand why he felt that way. Maybe she was even shocked, but experience spoke for itself.

_You already accepted it, didn't you? So why is the thought of rejection still so terrifying?_

"What do you mean people like you are meant to end up alone? I- to be honest, to me it looks different." Wonhee waited until he was finished and stood up, taking her bag and pulling it over her shoulder. "To me it looks as if you don't want to be alone, but being with me doesn't make it better. I'm sorry."

_She thinks that she's the reason you are miserable, but that's not true. She makes it so much better, but you're scared that the bubble will finally pop._

Hyungwon stared at the empty spot on the table, lacking something to occupy his hands with as he tried to explain his thoughts without having Wonhee misunderstand him.

"That's not it," he murmured and shook his head before finally looking up at Wonhee. "You think that the problem is you, but the problem is much bigger than that. You're perfect to me, whereas I don't fit anywhere. I always imagine it like a memory game and every card has its corresponding one. Well- I went ahead, took some scissors and changed mine, so now there is no second one. That's why I'm on my own, but I cannot blame anybody but myself."

"It's unfair," Wonhee answered, staring outside at the car that was still parked in front of the restaurant. "But apparently you are the one making the rules and you decided that even though I'm perfect, which is harder to believe than anything else you've ever said, this won't work and you'll stay alone. Okay… I understand."

"Are you going to give up on me too?" he asked, burying his nails in the palms of his hands, amazed at how quickly he was able to ruin things for himself. Was this his fear? Was he trying to warn Wonhee to save her from disappointment, but in the end he disappointed her in advance. His eyes burned and he hated how much he responded even though the wall should have been thick by now.

_You're hopeless, so fucking hopeless._

"No. I never mentioned giving up, but I didn't want to act as if it doesn't make me feel helpless and unwanted. You probably expect me to leave you alone, but I told you, didn't I? I'm not going to go anywhere unless you push me away. No matter how much I know that I probably should. I won't. But I won't bother you a lot either, just let me spend time with you. That's all I'm asking for." Wonhee didn't seem to be looking at him, staring at the air between them or at the banana plant standing next to the exit, he couldn't tell.

"I'm scared of it." His voice was no more than a whisper and he knew that he was in public as he covered his face with his palm, too afraid of crying right there at the D&D close to his apartment. It wouldn't be the first time. "I'm scared of you leaving me alone, because everybody else has. I keep thinking that- that I might save both of us the disappointment by not even trying, but I want to. I want to try so badly, but I'm scared."

Silence stretched between them and only the sounds of the cashier, the frying pans and the doors opening and closing again entered his ears, suggesting that Wonhee just left, but there was a shift right next to him and he felt the weight on his shoulder, the warmth against his arm and the scent of flowers, so prominent that he could've recognized it anywhere.

"It must be terrifying. But I think it's more terrifying to live with the knowledge of a missed opportunity. At least for me. Please tell me if there's anything I can do. I really can't give up, Hyungwon."

He didn't say anything at first, all attention focused on the warmth that Wonhee's body provided and how comforting it was to have somebody close. His own helplessness and need for Wonhee's presence reminded him of the time he comforted her in her apartment.

_You held her because both of you needed it._

"Hold me," he whispered, realising how big of a difference it made to have somebody who stayed close even though there was nothing but his fear. "Just- please hold me, Wonhee."

A soft hum tickled the crook of his neck, followed by Wonhee's arms that wrapped around his neck as she turned halfway towards him and simply pulled him into a close embrace, stroking over his hair and just holding him close without a single demand or additional movement.

It felt so good to be held, to feel Wonhee's warm body and the fingers in his hair. Soft breaths tickled his neck and as soon as he closed his eyes, it seemed like there was nobody but the two of them, embracing inside their bubble and shutting everything else out.

Inhaling the scent of flowers Hyungwon begged for it not to pop. Just this once.

_

_You're so out of place here._

Usually Hyungwon wouldn't have felt that way surrounded by high society, expensive apartment buildings and a fucking lobby.

_Because usually you are dressed accordingly._

His ripped jeans that hung low and the blue shirt with rips all over was anything but elegant at this point. The last few times he had worn a suit or at least something that screamed 'unusual design'. Now he just wanted to feel cool enough to not burn in the heat while still looking far from boring. His favourite bit was the longer pieces of fabric attached to the bottom of his shirt which he tied into a knot. It made the shirt shorter and revealed his flat stomach and navel.

_You really like how it looks._

A brief glance into the white paper bag he carried made him frown. It was a little embarrassing, but after making cuts in Wonhee's white shirt and adding embroidery at the cut edges, Hyungwon had paid special attention to how he placed the shirt into the bag. Part of the pattern was visible, but he had wanted it to look plain at first.

_Why is this so important to you? Because you are nervous?_

He hadn't seen Wonhee since his little breakdown at the D&D and this time he wanted to do a decent job. He had been a mediocre pretend boyfriend, so now that it was the real thing he had to put in effort and hopefully be worth keeping.

_You're hopeful, but you still don't really believe that it will work, do you?_

It was hard to believe it when Wonhee didn't know yet. She must have read about trans people and about their journeys towards change, but Hyungwon was done changing. He felt happy the way he was, even if it wasn't enough for most other transmen that he had met.

_They told you that you're not masculine enough._

Of course, Hyungwon was a man, right? So why would he enjoy makeup and dresses? It didn't make sense.

As soon as he stepped through the automatic doors into the lobby of Wonhee's apartment building, a security guard made his way towards him.

_Must be late for visitors he doesn't know._

"Can I help you, Miss?"

Hyungwon frowned before forcing a smile on his face. "Mr," he replied and glanced towards the elevator, suddenly yearning to sprint all the way up and not have to deal with being misgendered all over again.

"Yes?" The security guard seemed confused by his reply and just assumed that Hyungwon addressed him without elaborating.

"I'm a Mr," he added and sucked his bottom lip into his mouth to fight the frustration he felt when the man in front of him blatantly stared at his uncovered stomach as if that was the ultimate indication of being feminine.

_There is no use, Hyungwon._

"I'm here to see, Mrs. Lee," he muttered eventually and brushed through his hair as the security guard pressed a bottom on a device. Hyungwon still felt stared at, but at least he knew that he would be able to leave eventually.

A buzzing sounded and the guy gestured for him to follow towards the elevator before pressing the number seven and leaving him alone.

"Have a good night, Miss," he remarked and Hyungwon pressed his lips into a thin line and stared at the mirror across, refusing to reply.

Why did people have to stick with their assumptions, even after being corrected? It shouldn't be that hard. He was even tall, lanky, flat-chested. Was it so hard to at least not assume anything instead of deciding that he must be female due to his clothes and face?

When the elevator doors opened and he made his way towards Wonhee's door, he stopped a few meters before it to take a deep breath and get rid of his frustration. Wonhee wasn't at fault for the way he was treated.

_She wanted to watch a movie with you, so get it out of your system._

He closed his eyes for a few seconds and imagined exhaling all the anger the way he was taught. The problem was that the person teaching him evoked a similar air of frustration within him.

Once he opened his eyes again, he couldn't help but gasp in shock as Wonhee's door was opened and the short woman leaned in the frame, observing him.

_She's so beautiful, no matter what she thinks about herself._

The black hair was rather wavy and framing the pretty face as his gaze wandered lower, over the loose white t-shirt that didn't seem loose on Wonhee's chest. He almost thought that the gorgeous woman wasn't wearing anything underneath, but she was wearing jean hotpants, showing her curvy naked legs.

"Damn, you keep reminding me of the fact that you look better than me. I guess I have to get used to it. Come in," the pleasant voice told him and Wonhee turned around, walking into the big apartment. He couldn't help but let his eyes slide over her curvy legs to her hips. She was gorgeous and he still couldn't believe she wanted to be with him. The air reminded him of pastries and Hyungwon wondered if it was just the way Wonhee's apartment smelled. "I baked scones."

Hyungwon smiled because the scent created a constant that made him feel at ease, a single thing that didn't seem to change whenever he came to Wonhee. No matter what had happened between them over the past few weeks, Wonhee still enjoyed baking and offered him something whenever they saw each other.

_Maybe that is the only way you know how to express yourself, by gifting her the only thing you are good at and she does the same._

He felt terribly nervous and unsure how to act with the bag in his hand, but he still stepped into the entryway and closed the door. His eyes followed Wonhee as she made her way to the kitchen.

_How is she feeling? You can't tell from her back._

"I can't wait to try them," he remarked and took off his shoes before following Wonhee and fumbling with the shirt that he took out of the bag. He couldn't tell what he was expected to do or how to act. It had been easier outside because they had merely been themselves, but what about now? Was Wonhee expecting something? Was he supposed to talk a lot and if yes, about what? Wouldn't talking about himself be boring? He knew nothing but his struggles and how to pretend.

_Are you doing a shit job at being her boyfriend again?_

Wonhee was busying herself with getting a plate from the top shelf and placing a scone on it, before turning around and jumping on the counter, finger pointed at the plate. "Please have one. Oh- what's that? Is that my shirt?" A bright smile spread the curved mouth and the beautiful woman jumped down again, quickly making her way towards him and reaching for the fabric. "Oh my god, this is so beautiful, how?"

"I tried," he muttered and chewed on his bottom lip. Wonhee looked happy about his desperate attempts to create something that was worthy of her, but as usual Hyungwon couldn't help but worry that it was too much. He enjoyed showing a bit of skin, but she might have felt differently about it. "I hope you don't mind showing a bit of your ribs."

_What if she thinks you gave it to her on purpose and are like those men who objectify her?_

It seemed as if Wonhee wasn't listening as she simply took off her white shirt, putting it on one of the chairs before slipping into his creation and looking down on herself, fingers travelling over the details he added. "I love it so much that I don't want to wear anything else, but what if I rip it?"

"It's sturdy," he replied even though he wasn't all that sure. He simply wanted Wonhee to wear it at all times. The cut worked out well and he loved the hint of ribs and stomach that he could see through the rips. He felt a little guilty for making it seem like that was his whole intention, to catch a glimpse of Wonhee's beautiful skin like one of those assholes, like Mark. "You… don't have to wear it if it shows too much skin. It's just- I like to dress like that. I hope it doesn't send the wrong message."

_Why are you so nervous? Are you scared of disappointing her?_

"The wrong message? I don't think the way I'm treated has anything to do with what I'm wearing. I wanted to ask where all those gorgeous clothes go after you've finished working on them." Wonhee grinned and took the plate, stepping closer and putting it into his hands. "You wanted to try one of the scones, they're really good. I've seen some matcha in your kitchen, so I put a bit inside. You can take it to the living room and eat it there." Again, Wonhee smiled and almost floated past him like a ghostlike creature that he made up, in a huge apartment that he made up and that didn't seem to want anything from him. Didn't expect him to do anything apart from eating that scone.

He held onto the plate and didn't know what to do with himself at first, simply staring after Wonhee who was neither hurt by his behaviour, nor annoyed by his indecisiveness. She simply… seemed to be glad that he was there.

"I… I take them to a boutique when they are done. They are sold there," he replied and followed Wonhee to the living room. She seemed so calm and cheerful and Hyungwon couldn't get enough of it. It felt like his presence wasn't a burden at all and neither was his uniqueness. "What do you do with all those delicious things you bake?"

"I eat them, duh?" Wonhee laughed and sat on the big grey couch, grabbing the remote and a scone from the big plate that stood in the middle. She must've arranged them there before. "Well, not always though. I bake special cakes and pastries too and take them to the city health clinic and eat them with the kids, so in the end I do kind of eat them."

_Didn't she say that she has never seen an ill child before?_

Hyungwon didn't ask, wondering if Wonhee had pretended next to him that day in the same way that he had played his role of pleasant company without depth.

_Only that she took your hand and stole your breath away without meaning to._

Even now Wonhee's motions seemed so natural, how she crossed her legs, putting a pink pillow on top. How she brushed her wavy black locks behind her ear and looked focused, choosing a movie and talking in between. "A boutique? I want to know the name so I can actually purchase the things you make and not make you work for me for free."

Hyungwon only realised belatedly that time had passed without him answering. He had been too occupied by observing how Wonhee moved and licked her lips in thought.

_You still can't believe it, can you?_

"The place isn't famous or remarkable in any way. It's just a small shop and I take my work there to sell it. It's not like my name is on it or anything."

"You don't want your name to be on it?" Wonhee asked before pulling a bottle of wine out of nowhere and placing two glasses on the table. She quickly pulled out the cork and poured the red liquid for both of them. "You don't need to drink with me and I will pay attention to not ruin your creation. Just tell me if you want anything else, I'll try to give it to you."

_She's being so thoughtful. It… feels so easy somehow._

"A matcha scone would be good," he replied with a smile, but also reached for a glass of wine. He purposefully pretended that he hadn't heard the first question. It was a little embarrassing to constantly have to tell her about random struggles of his. It wasn't all about him and he didn't want their relationship to be about how difficult his life was either. "Tell me about your visits to the clinic. You haven't mentioned them before."

"I don't like mentioning it because it's something that I do for fun, not what my family would spin it for and not what random people think the reasoning behind it is. I just like baking and the kids like eating cake with that weird aunt who's a little funny, so we both profit from it. I always hope that they'll get better and don't have to see me often but I also hope to see them because I'm selfish and I like them. That's basically it. But are you sure that you don't need anything else? I never have visitors, so I don't know what to do apart from the things that I do when I'm alone. Like eating and drinking." Wonhee took her glass and lifted it to her lips, taking a long sip.

_She sounds just as lonely as you are._

"That sounds just like me," he replied and smiled as he finally sat down properly on the couch and leaned back. There didn't seem to be a point in remaining tense, not with Wonhee. "I usually sit on a tiny part of my mattress, watch something stupid on Netflix and sew clothes. There was a whole week that I spent recreating dresses I saw on the Grammy awards and giving them away for free to random people on ebay because I liked it when they assumed I'm a guy cause the address said 'Mr'."

_So much for 'not making this about your sad self'._

"It must be nice for the children, to have somebody who comes and brings them cake," he added and nibbled on his lips. "You're wonderful to have around and I'm sure they are happy to have you."

"I do think it's very selfish of me to try establishing some kind of humanity in my own life that I'm lacking, but as long as they're happy, I try to be too. In addition, I don't only make cakes, I also make monster cake pops with green eyes and shit." Laughing loudly, the black-haired woman took another sip of her wine before placing it on the table and turning on the movie, head slowly leaning against the backrest. "But I can barely imagine how fucking frustrating it must be to deal with people constantly trying to invalidate your identity and existence, as if it's their fucking place."

Hyungwon hummed and tried to stare at the TV screen instead of how Wonhee was holding onto the pillow. He remembered how small and delicate her hands were, but he couldn't quite reconstruct the feel of them and that lack of knowledge didn't leave him alone.

_Don't immediately reach for her, isn't that what you dislike yourself?_

"Why are your parents still able to influence you this much? Are you dependent on them?" he asked instead to distract himself while the beginning credits rolled. He struggled to see how Wonhee's parents were able to restrict her like that and be in control of everything, even her love life. She was of age and should have had free reign over her own decisions, but the fact that she felt the need to have him as her pretend boyfriend at first and wasn't able to keep her ex-boyfriend at bay, meant that she couldn't tell them everything.

_It must be so pressuring to her, a constant game of pretence without a break._

His parents hadn't bothered being involved in any of his decisions as soon as he decided to finally become the person he wanted to be since birth.

_They didn't want to be part of your life at all._

It was a hurtful thought, but at the same time all of his decisions were his alone. There was no make believe game to play, because rejection meant there was nobody to pretend in front of. Hyungwon was on his own, but at least he was himself.

"Why? I guess there are a few things. First it's the fact that they paid a lot to send me abroad and decided what I was going to study, they believe that gives them the right to tell me when to come out and when not to. I can't work either, so I do whatever comes to mind. And the second thing is- I'm letting them do this, I'm scared of the consequences if I rebel, I'm not a revolutionary at all. All I can do is bake, act and be aware of all this and it seems to be the core of my personality. I hate money but it's the only thing that makes me precious, so I keep it." The topic must've been stressful as the small hand reached for the glass and Wonhee drank it all at once.

_You're forcing her to talk about something uncomfortable. Can't you talk about nice things?_

"Would you… like to hold hands?" he whispered before realizing how stupid that sounded. It was a mixture of wanting to comfort and wanting to be close, but in the end it just sounded like he was unable to reply something proper. "Are you hurting anybody with the way you live? If you aren't, then I don't see why you should be beating yourself up over it. Money isn't what makes you precious, not to me, but it also isn't wrong to have it. If your situation is making you miserable, then we should find a way to change it, but if it isn't, then you shouldn't be torturing yourself with guilt. At least that is my opinion."

"When I was in London I tried to get into a nunnery, not because I wanted to, but because it kind of seemed like a genuine escape, and then my parents got me out and sent me into therapy for three weeks. It was nice, I could talk a lot and figure out how to deal with this bullshit. But I keep thinking there's always an exchange. I don't have to think about money, at least about the lack of it, and for that I have to live the way I do." Without shifting closer or taking his suggestion for more than it was, Wonhee reached for his hand and carefully wrapped her small fingers around it, stroking over his palm before slipping between his fingers.

Hyungwon didn't know what to reply at first because the control that Wonhee's parents had over her was unimaginable. Money must have meant power, but he had never had a lot of it, neither while still living with his parents nor after. He basked in the sensation of Wonhee's fingers intertwined with his own and closed his eyes to take a few deep breaths. As somebody who grew up with money, living without it must be a scary thought, like living without a limb. It was a constant part of one's life that was intertwined with everything else and its disappearance would mean changes, a lot of changes.

_Is freedom worth all those changes?_

The decision was a difficult one, but it seemed like Wonhee had already made it for herself.

"I think I know what you mean, even if the stakes were different for me. I chose to become myself over receiving support, so I ended up living without family or monetary aid. That was my trade-off, but in the end I couldn't have acted otherwise. If… I hadn't done it, I'd probably be dead by now."

Suddenly, the black eyes focused on him and Wonhee looked for a long time before biting on her bottom lip and squeezing his hand briefly. "I'm so happy that you're alive and can be here next to me. I know it sounds so overly dramatic, but I don't know what I would've done if I hadn't met you. I'm so happy I did. And about the stakes… I don't think that the 'me' is worth fighting for, so I don't fight."

_But why wouldn't she be worth fighting for? She's a wonderful person, thoughtful and understanding and she even dares to be next to somebody like you._

"If living like this makes you miserable, then it is," he replied and squeezed back. Neither of them were paying attention to the movie, so he reached for the remote and paused it. "I'm probably not old enough to say this, but life is too short to waste it away with pointless restrictions other people put on you. Are you sure about what will happen if you fight back? Not an extreme way out like you attempted, but maybe one that still gives them what they want while dancing on the edges of what they consider appropriate."

_It's easy to talk hypothetically without doing it, isn't it?_

"I'm sorry, I'm not the best person to give advice to you, since I'm not in your situation and cannot judge it the way you can," he added and shrugged before leaning his head back to stare at the ceiling. After a few moments eating a scone seemed to be a better distraction, so he did that. It was delicious and melted on his tongue, making him hum.

"It's good, right? I'm confident in my baking.” Wonhee chuckled and played with the embroidery on her shirt by stroking over it with her index finger repeatedly as she watched him eat the scone. "I don't know if a compromise like that exists, but it doesn't really matter, I guess. I didn't mean to make it about me, sorry."

Hyungwon chuckled at that since the two of them seemed to have the same worry. "And I didn't want to make it about me. I don't mind because it helps me to get to know you. Why do you think that a compromise doesn't matter?"

"What if you get to know me and become disappointed? A compromise doesn't exist because what they want is precisely what I don't want. But don't worry, I'm used to it, look at all the stuff I have." The short woman laughed and leaned against the couch, wavy locks rubbing against the grey fabric. Wonhee wasn't wearing much makeup and he could see those freckles again.

“You don’t look like it makes you happy,” he murmured and stroked over the delicate fingers with his own, enjoying the sensation while wondering how Wonhee was able to have the same thoughts concerning herself even though she seemed so cheerful and lovable to him. “Disappointment is always a possibility, isn’t it? We don’t know each other yet, not to that degree, but aren’t disappointment and positive surprise equally likely?”

_At least when it comes to her because you know better what to expect than she does when it comes to you._

"You seem so positive suddenly, or is it just me? Anyways, I'm curious about you and I admire you for being so beautifully human." Wonhee smiled briefly and turned the movie back on, keeping her fingers around his.

Hyungwon fought with his desire to observe Wonhee instead and finally turned towards the screen. Her behaviour seemed different than before, as if she had decided something for herself without telling him about it. Their fingers remained intertwined, but even though both of them were showing skin, their hands remained their only point of contact.

_It is only her hand, but still your heart is beating furiously._

It was difficult to tell what Wonhee meant by him being beautifully human, but Hyungwon assumed it must refer to his imperfections. Not being perfect was the most human thing about him if anything and it somehow felt good that Wonhee considered it beautiful.

_Why does this feel so easy even though you were so scared before coming?_

Because the movie was running again, he didn't reply and tried to focus on the plot, enjoying the scenes and the expressed emotions more than he had expected. It wasn't only a movie that served as entertainment, but one that made him think and wonder why Wonhee had chosen it.

_There is nothing pressuring about it either, as if this is simply a movie she enjoys._

A glance to the side revealed that Wonhee was watching intently, mouthing some of the words as if she knew it by heart. Hyungwon enjoyed seeing her like that, the attentiveness and the way she chewed on her lips when it was exciting.

Once in a while their eyes met, both looking to the side to see how the other reacted and the smile that spread Wonhee's lips sent a pleasant shudder down his spine.

Despite the silence between them, Hyungwon appreciated the hand holding his, the warmth of another body next to him and the sheer calmness of the situation. There was no need to speak or fear what was about to happen next, because somehow Wonhee was able to make him feel like it was enough. Like being there was enough. Like he was enough.

When the main characters talked quietly behind a door, the facial expressions were so intense that Hyungwon felt heat rise to his cheeks and his hands become clammy. His whole body was rigid as he waited for what was about to happen next, whether the door would finally be opened and the characters could see each other face to face. He wanted to glance to the side to know if Wonhee felt the same, but he suppressed it and focused on the warm hand instead.

Just as he was holding his breath and squeezed Wonhee’s fingers lightly in a shared moment, he felt a few strands of hair tickle his shoulders before they were replaced by weight. Wonhee had put her head on his shoulder and his face was burning like a torch. His body followed suit, warming up in a mixture of pleasant intimacy and blazing excitement. There was a hint of worry too, thoughts of what was going to happen next and whether Wonhee would put a hand on his thigh or wrap her arm around his waist the way she had done before.

_You were scared of expectations, but now you are burning._

He squeezed Wonhee’s hand again to show her that he enjoyed her touch, that it meant a lot to him and maybe also as a sign that he wasn’t afraid of it. He was enjoying the weight on his shoulder, as if it was a sign of Wonhee trusting him, being able to lean on him and possibly even rely on him when she was scared and lonely. That was something Hyungwon wanted to be able to do so badly. He wanted to keep her safe and make her feel at ease, so that asshole couldn’t hurt her anymore because there was somebody taking care of her.

_You want to teach her how to protect herself too, even if it didn’t go well the last time._

Hyungwon didn’t dare speak, scared of breaking the intimate moment and making Wonhee feel like he didn’t want her there in the first place. He had misexpressed himself more than once and this time he really didn’t want to risk it, not when Wonhee wanted to be close to him through the purest of gestures. The more time passed, the less pressure he felt, as if there was no need to wonder how Wonhee would act, or if she would want something he wasn’t able to provide.

_She said that she will wait if she is the right person. Why can’t you trust her?_

When the credits began to roll and the movie ended, Hyungwon exhaled slowly, realizing how tense he had been all this time. His shoulders relaxed a little and he moved against the backrest just enough for Wonhee to be able to remain on his shoulder if she liked. Instead of shifting her position, Wonhee’s head suddenly rolled forward and slipped all over his flat chest on top of his lap. The position looked rather awkward and Hyungwon didn’t dare move, eyes wide and waiting for what was going to happen next. Only when his eyes fell on Wonhee’s peaceful face and the slightly parted mouth, he understood.

_She is asleep, Hyungwon. She might have been asleep all this time and you didn’t realize._

He swallowed, feeling a little awkward even though Wonhee wasn’t awake to observe his antics. At first he wanted to shift Wonhee and let her lie on the couch, but somehow his selfish desire to keep her close didn’t let him. Chewing on his cheek, he moved his butt over the leather just enough for Wonhee’s head to comfortably rest on his thighs and leaned back himself, observing her face.

_She’s like a sleeping faery._

He smiled and dared to reach out and stroke over Wonhee’s black hair, enjoying the texture and the hint of a smile that pulled at the curved corners of Wonhee’s mouth. It looked so at ease and Hyungwon wondered if it was really his touch or just by chance.

_Is this what it feels like to have somebody close?_

Hyungwon had experienced closeness before, but it hadn’t felt quite like this. It had been terrifying and made him more restless with each passing second. He had feared doing something wrong, not being enough or being touched in a way that he despised. Like this, with Wonhee it seemed easy, as if he simply could be himself and observe her while his fingers drew patterns on her shoulders. Was it wrong to touch her like that as she slept? Hyungwon didn’t know, but he hoped that even when she woke up, she would feel just as peaceful and safe as she did right at that instant, lying on his lap with a soft smile playing around the corners of her mouth.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 8

A compromise? Compromises didn’t exist for her.

_You know what it means but at the same time you don’t._

Her parents, their values, expectations and their enforcement had been a way to create balance in the universe. How was it fair that people like her had everything when there was nothing left for others? There needed to be some kind of trick to make her life hell and in her particular case it was the people who decided to put her into this world with the clear purpose of living up to their expectations.

_You’re not doing a good job, but you weren’t asked..._

It was unfair to be sad, especially towards people who had a harder time than her, who had it so much worse, who had to earn every single fucking thing, apparently including their right to exist.

_That’s fucked up. So fucked up._

When she overheard the security staff misgendering Hyungwon repeatedly, she wondered how many terrible experiences he could take from her side before he decided that it was fucking enough. Yeojoo had been right, still, but it didn’t change anything about the smile that spread her cheeks when she saw him, gorgeous as ever. Wonhee was unable to let go of him, but at the same time she felt how their bubble got more constricting every day, walls coming closer and people pushing their sharp nails into the fragile walls, wanting to rip it apart, to tarnish it and destroy it in the end to make it fit their narrative.

_You know how much you like him, but people don’t give a fuck. People just see what they want to see._

She saw a gorgeous human being, a man wearing revealing clothes that were a bit provoking, but in a good way, pointing out the ambivalence in representation. She saw the golden skin shimmering between the layers of clothing, the long hair that framed the stunning face like an expensive wooden frame would wrap around a Klimt painting of golden sunshine-like beauty. There had never been a person who had that kind of effect on her, but it wasn’t the visuals only. It was everything that she knew and everything that she was curious about.

_But others just think that he’s a woman._

Sighing, she turned around to not show her thoughts, the memory of the phone call circled in her head, how anxious it made her to not acquiesce to an instruction phrased as a question. Her mother had told her to bring Hyungwon to their house. She had seen the pictures that were taken of them. Wonhee said that it was serious to her and she didn’t plan on stopping, but her mother just told her to bring him in front of their feet like a fucking thing.

_You can’t._

She couldn’t. How could she put him through the pain that he had experienced so many times... again? Forcing him to bear those gazes, the questions, the feeling of inferiority that her family was able to inflict on anybody regardless of their background. How could she, after gaining that little bit of trust, those fingers around hers, how could she betray him like that? Hurt him like that. There was no way.

_But you don’t know what will happen, just that something surely will._

Wonhee promised herself not to take any initiative, she tried her fucking best not to show how much she liked and enjoyed those little touches, what kind of effect having a glimpse of Hyungwon’s gorgeous body had on her. The effort it took to hide her arousal due to his proximity was so tiring that she simply fell asleep.

The memories returned before she opened her eyes. She registered how warm and comfortable she was but soon realised that it wasn't her bed that she was sleeping on.

_Did he leave?_

Biting her lip subconsciously, she inhaled deeply, trying to make out a specific scent, and indeed, the familiar fragrance entered her nose and she smiled a little.

_He can still be gone and you’re smelling the couch._

Slowly, she opened her eyes, shifting on the warm surface that appeared to be Hyungwon’s lap. She had no idea how she ended up there, but she liked it too much to question it. Unsure what to expect, Wonhee turned her head slowly, realizing that it was already completely dark and only the tiny lamp in the corner that she probably forgot to turn off yesterday illuminated Hyungwon’s beautiful sleeping face.

It was different to look at him from that angle, even though she was short enough to consider it familiar. Maybe because he was sleeping and it looked so peaceful and just right. Oh what would she have given to make Hyungwon feel like this.

_But this is not about you. You want to be close to him and he is figuring out his feelings, so leave him be and give him enough time so he can dump you. Preferably without you giving him any more traumatic experiences with your lack of understanding and your terrible family._

Wonhee knew it, she did, but the sight was too good. It was too intriguing to be able to look at him without making him uncomfortable with the expression on her face, with the expectations she might have suggested, but like this, lying on his warm thighs in the dark, it felt just right. Like a gift that he gave her. The gift of having him for herself for those few minutes, to be honest in the way she looked at him and about what she felt.

_It seems more and more each time you meet._

The long fingers still rested between hers and maybe he didn’t want to let go, but maybe he didn’t want to wake her up and stayed in an uncomfortable position, leaving as soon as his eyes opened because he caught her staring and felt fucking uncomfortable about it.

_Great._

Swallowing, she carefully removed her hand and flexed her abdomen as much as possible to lift from Hyungwon’s lap and crawled down from the couch without forcing him to wake up and see her all over him.

_Are you hoping that he won’t leave? He will, Wonhee. Sooner or later._

She remembered his fingers were slightly cool, so she pulled the woollen blanket from the chair and carefully spread it over his chest, stomach and thighs, smiling at how cute he looked, pouting a little. Wonhee listened to the sounds of air leaving his nose and sat back on the carpet, observing the person she liked looking calm and enjoying it despite the knowledge that she was making him feel everything but.

She didn't know how much time passed, but it felt like her staring had an effect as Hyungwon shifted on the couch and pursed his lips for a few seconds before turning to the side and throwing off the blanket.

_All that effort for nothing._

Smiling to herself she crawled closer on all fours and put it back on Hyungwon’s lap. She froze in the middle of her motion as the tall man shifted again, placing one of his legs on top of the other as he attempted to curl up a little. Wonhee didn't move until he was absolutely still again, before attempting to slowly move backwards.

She kept looking at Hyungwon's face as she did, rubbing her naked knees over the grey carpet. Wonhee had only moved back a few centimetres when those big, brown eyes suddenly opened and stared right back at her.

_You creep._

Swallowing, she stopped in the middle of a motion and stared back, waiting for him to get all panicky and leave right away.

Instead of seeing those eyes widen as they should have, Hyungwon remained calm, gaze jumping back and forth as he must have been examining her face, taking in her features.

Suddenly, Hyungwon lifted his left hand that had rested close to his ear and reached out towards her. Long fingers brushed over her nose and along her cheek before cupping her jaw. The touch was so tender, without applying any pressure while Hyungwon kept holding her gaze.

_What is happening?_

Whatever was happening made her cheeks burn, her skin tingle. The touches that sent shivers down her spine because she felt so deprived of it made her feel even more vulnerable and somehow also helpless. Helpless because she wanted it so much, but promised herself not to show it, not to demand it, not to create any expectations for him.

The seconds passed as Hyungwon's fingers caressed her jaw and travelled towards her neck. They slipped lower, over a few shoulder cuts of her shirt until they curled around her upper arm. Wonhee heard Hyungwon inhale before she was suddenly pulled forward, hands landing right next to the edge of the couch as Hyungwon bridged the remaining distance between their faces himself, plump lips touching her own.

It was a bit pathetic somehow, but she let out a breathy moan that turned into a hum the longer those lips touched hers. Her hands held onto the couch, nails digging into the fabric and she stayed still and was too scared to do anything because she didn’t want to ruin it. Not again. Feeling the heat in her face and the warmth against her lips, she simply prayed that it would stay for longer.

_How different it feels even though your body does the same thing when you can’t protect yourself._

Hyungwon’s lips applied a little pressure while the grip on her upper arm loosened. Fingers stroked down the length of her arm all the way down to her hand and caressed each digit. It seemed as if Hyungwon wanted to intertwine their hands, but was still hesitating.

Wonhee remained perfectly still, so still that she shouldn’t have been able to ruin it, but still Hyungwon let go of her lips and leaned back, observing her.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, voice rough and still laced with sleep. “I should have asked but-” Hyungwon didn’t continue and merely licked over his mouth while his eyes kept holding onto hers.

_You must’ve looked like it._

“No- I must’ve looked super sad, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to- I’m really trying not to push any expectations on you and to be honest the only expectation I have is that you’ll dump me as soon as you figure out your feelings, so please- don’t think that I’m suffering or anything, I was simply looking at you because you looked beautiful and so calm,” Wonhee babbled, scratching over the grey fabric with her right hand, nervous and so fucking scared that Hyungwon would leave because of another mistake. “I promise, I’m not going to do anything.”

Hyungwon didn't reply at first, but the fingers on top of the back of her hand remained, stroking over it. Wonhee didn't dare look at him, not after fucking up again and probably seeing the same hurt look she had caused before.

"Wonhee," Hyungwon murmured and when she didn't look up that gorgeous, low voice whispered her name all over again. He was putting so much effort into talking to her, probably preparing to make her feel better even though she had promised herself not to do anything. "Wonhee?"

She looked up, overwhelmed by the lack of pain on Hyungwon's face. He seemed mesmerized somehow, eyes slightly widened and that light pink colour she liked so much was just strong enough to be visible in the light of the lamp. His lips weren't swollen, but had just enough colour to catch her attention.

"I kissed you because I couldn't resist, Wonhee."

_Huh?_

"Couldn't resist?" she muttered, not understanding a single thing. "But why would you have to resist when being with me? You know…"

_About you being completely hooked._

"Can I kiss you again?" Hyungwon's voice remained rough and for a brief moment Wonhee wondered whether he was playing with her, pretending that this was what he wanted. But a single glance at his face was enough to change her mind. Hyungwon seemed so unsure, chest rising and falling rapidly and teeth abusing his bottom lip. There was so much uncertainty written all over his features, as if it wasn't obvious that she wanted him, that she wanted to kiss and be close, everything he was willing to offer.

Swallowing the anxiety that remained close just like the image of Hyungwon's face when she made a mistake, Wonhee lifted her hand and carefully wrapped it around Hyungwon's big palm, stroking over the thin ring and inhaling the delicious scent. "Please kiss me," she whispered, looking into those big eyes. "Please."

Not even a second passed before those warm lips were covering hers, brushing over them at first before applying pressure. Hyungwon's right arm wrapped around her neck and pulled her closer. It was merely a press of lips until the beautiful man gained the courage to make it more, tilting his head to deepen it and nibbling on her bottom lip. His hot exhales were tickling her cheek, rough as if kissing her was making him breathless.

She was breathless too, wondering what she was allowed to do, but it was safest to ask. To ask without automatically expecting approval.

When Hyungwon wanted to change the angle, Wonhee inhaled the much needed air and carefully brushed over Hyungwon's shoulder to get his attention.

"Would it be okay if I stroke over your arms and neck?" she asked, sealing her question with a kiss, so Hyungwon didn't have to answer if he didn't want to and they could simply continue.

She received a hum in return as Hyungwon didn't break the kiss to reply and merely pulled her closer. Her knees scraped over the carpet once more, but Wonhee couldn't care less.

Thinking about it, their position was a bit weird because she wasn't on the couch and Hyungwon wasn't on the carpet so they met somewhere in the middle and didn't step closer to each other, as if staying on the border of two worlds unable to enter the respective other.

_Why are you thinking all those things when you are allowed to kiss him? When you've thought about it every night, thinking that you'll never be able to._

Wonhee hummed back and took the slight discomfort against her naked knees, lifting her hands and letting them travel over Hyungwon's covered arms, his broad shoulders and his warm, golden neck. How delicious would it be to kiss along it, to inhale the scent of warm honey, but she couldn't complain. Those soft lips were tasting her and how could she have wanted more?

_But you do. You do but that's not his problem, it's yours._

Hyungwon didn't know about her problem and Wonhee was willing to do anything to keep it that way, to make sure that he couldn't tell that she wanted more than he was giving her. The touches became bolder and his arms wrapped around her shoulders and waist as Hyungwon held her close to the couch, rising just enough to be able to kiss her better. His hair was messy from sleep and the knot of his shirt had loosened, revealing even more of his stomach.

The gorgeous man's reluctance to stop kissing her became apparent when he sat back up on the couch and brought her along, holding her while the warm skin of his stomach brushed against the rips in her shirt, causing goose bumps to spread over her body.

But it wasn't only goose bumps, she was burning and the hot kisses were making her dizzy, so dizzy that it might have been the lack of oxygen because they didn't want to let go of each other or maybe her reaction to the simple fact that she was so into Hyungwon that touching and being touched by him felt like an actual firework.

"I-" she gasped, lips parting briefly. "I missed it so much."

"Kissing?" Hyungwon replied and licked over her bottom lip. He sounded just as breathless and she could feel his exhales as he seemed to struggle to keep away from her mouth. "I- I never knew it could be like this."

"Yes. I want to kiss you all the time- of course only if you enjoy it. If you like kissing me too," she muttered, unsure if it made any sense. Hyungwon leaned in to catch her bottom lip and she couldn't suppress another breathy and very desperate sound, tracing Hyungwon's lips with the tip of her tongue in return.

At first there was no reply, only hands that roamed over her back and couldn't decide which part of her to hold closest.

"Yeah," the low voice murmured as Hyungwon caught her tongue in return, inviting her between his lips. "I feel like I’m burning."

"Me too, but I like it. I love how it feels." She allowed herself to make another sound, unable to focus on Hyungwon's hands or his lips as both were driving her insane. Despite his sudden initiative, she knew so well how fragile it was.

_He was literally touching you until you came but then you touched him and broke it._

But only being touched without touching in return wasn't mutual and that wasn't okay, so she had to make sure to only do what Hyungwon was okay with, not a single bit more. Never.

"You're making me dizzy. Fuck," Wonhee whispered, only touching his neck and arms as promised but changing the firmness of her grip, using nails and brushing her fingertips over Hyungwon's neck, feeling how quick his pulse felt on his jugular vein.

_Have you ever been this aroused just from kissing?_

She had. With him.

Hyungwon gasped and the sound was gorgeous, resulting in a tremble that passed through his whole body all the way down to his legs. Wonhee could feel it so well and that only encouraged her to run her nails over his arms again, as far as she could reach without removing Hyungwon's hands from her body.

"Would you-" Hyungwon gasped and didn't continue as she caressed his neck and kissed his lips once more. "Would you sit on my lap? I- really like it when you do."

_Is he asking because he can feel how you push nails into his skin to deal with your arousal?_

"I'd love to. Is it okay?" She rose and slowly crawled on the couch with her legs spread before she lowered her hips on top of Hyungwon's thighs. The touch made her whimper because the denim fabric gave her friction.

Hyungwon only hummed and carefully wrapped his arms around her waist to pull her close. She could feel how tense his thighs were, flexed in response to the sound she made.

"I… really like it when you are this close," the low voice murmured close to her lips before she felt Hyungwon's mouth against hers again, applying pressure. "I'm sorry for not holding back."

"But that doesn't make sense," she murmured, feeling the warmth of Hyungwon's fingertips through the thin fabric of her shirt. "I never wanted you to hold back, but I don't want you to lose it if it's only for me. I hope that you can take the time you need and I will only take what you'll offer me, I promise. But… " Hyungwon's touches made her lips part in a breathy sound and she didn't feel the strength to pay attention to it anymore. "But I can't promise that I will be able to suppress my reaction to the way you make me feel."

"But it's unfair, isn't it?" Hyungwon sounded a little sad, but his grip on her body didn't loosen. "It's unfair to touch without giving you the opportunity to touch in return."

_He is scared that you will, isn’t he?_

“But I don’t want to touch you if it makes you uncomfortable, helpless, or scared. I don’t want to make you feel that way and I don’t have the confidence that some dudes have, assuming that there is the ‘you have to like it’ rule because there is no such thing. I touched you once without your explicit wish and I won’t do it again, I promised and I will keep it. It does- I mean, it does feel a bit strange, but I think the reason is that there are usually expectations involved and of course I want to make you feel good too, but what’s the point if you don’t? If that’s not what you want, I’m going to respect it. You-” Inhaling deeply, Wonhee felt way more than she should have especially before speaking those words that were circling in her mind for a few moments already. “You deserve to be respected and treated as a human, as a person, with affection and care. You do, Hyungwon.”

She could see the sadness in Hyungwon's eyes and the beautiful man looked to the side, inhaling the air harshly through his nose. She must have made him emotional, but Wonhee couldn't tell whether it was the positive kind or simply hurt. It was too dark and at the same time she was too scared to check.

"You might be the only one who thinks that," Hyungwon replied softly and sucked his bottom lip into his mouth. He seemed to be fighting with himself, fingers tugging at the fabric of her shirt that they happened to brush over.

After a few moments, he inhaled deeply and turned towards her. "I don't want to be like the people that hurt you. I don't want to be somebody who just pulls you in, touches you, without making it mutual. That's why- I'm holding back. I don't want you to have a reason to stop talking to me again, to feel helpless like you did before. It's a terrible feeling and you deserve better."

_He is only holding back because he is scared that you would feel used?_

“Just don’t try to overpower me and hurt me when I’m most vulnerable. That should be manageable, right?” She chuckled and chewed on her lips, playing with a certain thought in her mind, something she could do to show Hyungwon that he didn’t have to be scared of her but at the same time combining the vulnerability she felt when being with him with her wish to be close in a way that they both liked. “Would you- like to see my tattoo?” she asked quietly, breath hitching because the words made her skin tingle.

Hyungwon's eyes widened and he seemed unsure what to reply even though his hands caressed her skin through the big rips in her shirt before travelling up to her shoulders.

"I… would love to," he whispered finally.

Wonhee felt like reality was slowly escaping, trickling between her fingers like fine sand, leaving a trail and the thought that there must’ve been something before. She inhaled deeply and moved back on Hyungwon’s lap until her feet touched the fluffy carpet, tickling her feet a bit as she increased the distance between them and stopped next to the table, before turning around with her back towards him, unable to see his gaze. Maybe it was better like that, then she couldn’t see fear or disappointment or whatever else might have been on that gorgeous angel-like face when she slipped out of her shorts, her lace underwear and slowly unbuttoned the white shirt, letting it slip down her shoulders before she undid her bra and let it follow.

_You are an idiot._

Her fingers were trembling, but she didn’t show it, focussing on how the flower must have looked on her curvy body, stem traveling from her ankle, up her thighs and curling over her hips to turn into a big bouquet of azaleas on her back.

_Last time you showed it to somebody you had fingers inside you after a minute. Maybe you’re the reason they think it’s an invitation. Who would actually assume that you are trying to show your core, create intimacy by being vulnerable? Idiot._

Pressing her lips together she wondered if she should just get dressed and disappear quickly, forget about everything, about being embarrassing and trying to talk in cryptic actions, unable to show how much a person meant to her.

There were no words, only the sound of Hyungwon inhaling sharply behind her. Silence spread throughout the room right after, making the air thick with everything unsaid as Hyungwon held the air inside his lungs and didn't move. There were no hands on her and he also didn't attempt to come closer. There was only silence until finally the air was moved by a single exhale, long and breathy.

_Why do you make yourself miserable? Why?_

"You're breath-taking, Wonhee," Hyungwon whispered and she heard him shift on the couch without standing up. "Maybe I was wrong about the flower that you are. I thought of you as a blue lilac because you brought me happiness, but… the azalea captures so much more of you."

_As usual, you can’t predict him at all._

“Thank you,” she whispered back, still unable to feel at ease because she couldn’t see his face and she couldn’t be sure of his reaction. He had always been respectful and tried not to hurt her. “Would you like me to put my clothes back on?”

"Does it make you uncomfortable to have my eyes on you?" Hyungwon asked back and again she heard him shift on the couch, breaths irregular. "I doubt that I have ever seen anybody more beautiful. My mind is embracing your body while my hands remain still because I don't dare disrupt the sight."

_It almost sounds believable when he is the one saying those words, but you know that he doesn't want to be close, so they can't be believable, can they?_

Chuckling, she curled her arms around her waist and threw her head back a little to stare at the ceiling. “I’m regretting that you may be feeling pressured by me simply taking my clothes off in front of you. And I’m scared of your reaction. For somebody who takes a detour when it’s about facing any kind of discomfort I surely am diving into the questionable kind of behaviour head first… damn it. I don’t expect anything from you, Hyungwon. I just want you to know that even though this might not be the kind of relationship I am used to, I still don’t feel as if it’s one-sided. Even if you don’t want to be touched by me.”

_You might be the only one who tries to think that way._

Hyungwon hummed and Wonhee heard the familiar sound of the couch as he stood up. Even though she could feel his presence, he didn't move towards her, remaining close to the couch while she stood in the middle of the room. The air felt colder now that there were no clothes covering her skin. Freezing, lonely cold.

_It's like you offered yourself but nobody came to get you._

"I don't feel pressured," Hyungwon spoke finally and Wonhee heard the rustling of fabric as it brushed over skin until it finally landed on the floor, indicating its weight. "I feel trusted."

A deep inhale sounded next, followed by a zipper being pulled down and heavy jeans fabric joining what must have been Hyungwon's shirt on the floor. Wonhee didn't need to turn around to hear that Hyungwon kept holding his breath, sounding irregular as if he attempted to control it but struggled, feeling the weight of the situation.

_He must be so scared and stressed._

A last piece of clothing landed on the soft carpet as the first step echoed inside her mind, much louder than it echoed from the walls. The next followed, steadily moving closer towards her until warmth became noticeable against her back. A hot exhale followed, brushing over her ear and the back of her neck. Hyungwon was standing right behind her, but wasn't touching her. Only his warmth permeated through the air to brush over her skin.

_You can’t break this, Wonhee._

First, she felt a shudder because a situation like this usually ended in her hating and blaming herself for what happened, but maybe Hyungwon wasn’t like that. He had been the only person who continuously treated her like a human being without expecting anything in return. Nothing apart from the bare minimum of respect towards his wishes.

Wonhee closed her eyes and slowly turned around, keeping her arms around her waist, unsure what to do, whether she was allowed to look and wondering whether she had understood the situation correctly. She felt incredibly vulnerable, but so did Hyungwon, so they were on the same page for once, maybe even both feeling scared and hopeful that it wouldn’t turn out to be what they feared most.

At first there were warm fingers brushing over her own, stroking over each of her digits. Both of Hyungwon's hands caused a tingling sensation to travel along her arms as the touch took the same path, caressing her wrists and dancing up her forearm all the way up to her face. Her eyes remained closed but a thumb brushed over her cheek right below them, touching her tenderly.

"Can I embrace you, Wonhee?" Hyungwon whispered close to her ear, bodies so close that she could smell the scent of vanilla and honey on him.

The low voice that reminded her of a forest, one that resembled the calm that it brought, the motions of wind in the crowns of high trees and how the leaves changed its sound. As soon as she heard it, her arms uncurled and fell loosely at her sides, hoping that he would. That he would hold her.

_But you can break it. And he can break it._

Wonhee hummed, keeping her eyes closed and chewing on her lips, perceiving so much at once because there was a dark nothingness instead of the usual sight and she tried to imagine what happened, how it looked, what it was like.

_You feel so fucking helpless._

Hyungwon stepped closer, letting her nipples brush over his flat chest. His hands let go of her face and travelled all the way back to her fingers again. Holding onto her hands, he lifted them in the air and placed them on his chest first, right below his collarbones before tracing a path to his shoulders and inviting her to wrap her arms around his neck.

Each touch was so tender, barely a press of fingertips as hands travelled back to her shoulders and down to her waist, curling around it. She didn't dare to breathe, holding the air in her lungs, unsure whether it was that or something else that made her chest constrict. The scent of warm honey entered her nose as soon as she inhaled again and her fingers were trembling around Hyungwon's neck as she didn't want to do anything, not before she was sure that it was something that he wanted.

"It's okay," Hyungwon whispered softly and pressed a kiss to the shell of her ear. "You can hold me too. I want you to, Wonhee."

_He wants you to hold him, but how?_

Swallowing briefly she just curled her arms tighter around his delicate neck and allowed herself to get a bit closer, gasping at her breasts touching Hyungwon's warm chest.

"I… really like how you feel." Hyungwon's words were still brushing over her ear, accompanying the tender touches against her hips and naked back. "You can… touch my hair if you like, brush over my shoulders, my neck. Your hands are so soft."

She nodded, holding back from moving closer and melt into the warmth that she could feel against her chest, but she knew that she couldn't, so her attention focused on how the hot skin felt against her fingertips, how sometimes, she thought that there were goose bumps on those broad shoulders and how, even though from her height it would've been easier to wrap her arms around his waist, he placed her hands around his neck.

_Because he doesn't want you to touch him._

No matter how intimate it was, how much she felt embracing like that, still her thoughts managed to persuade her that Hyungwon couldn't have been feeling the same. Simply because it was so different from what she knew. It appeared as if he was only being nice to her, only reacted when she was bold and somehow demanded it, not on his own, not because he wanted it.

_You shouldn't have done it._

“Can I…” Hyungwon inhaled deeply and kept the air in his lungs, trembling slightly when she let her fingers carefully rake through the silky locks. He was leaning down to make it easier for her, hands resting at her hip bones. “Can I pull you closer, Wonhee?”

"Mhm." She let out a hum and tried to focus on the feeling of those big hands around her waist. The longer she kept her eyes closed and her thoughts running wild, the more the affection she assumed was there seemed to blur into nothingness, only leaving her vulnerability behind and the lack of orientation, lack of knowledge, lack of the ability to appropriately react to whatever was happening. It was scary.

Hyungwon’s hands moved from her hip bones towards her back, wrapping around her and pulling her flush against the warm body. She could feel his heat against her breasts, stomach and thighs, his breaths against her cheek as he leaned closer. There was no space left between their bodies. Only their faces remained a few inches apart.

“Open your eyes, Wonhee,” the low voice breathed out suddenly, so close that Wonhee could taste the words on her lips.

She was so scared, so fucking scared even though she should've been happy that Hyungwon wanted to be close to her, but she was terrified to see something on his face that would've confirmed her thoughts. A clue manifesting inside her mind and making it impossible to ignore. She chewed on her trembling lips and exhaled roughly, feeling like running away and hiding and she might have, if those arms didn't pull her closer and cover her in warmth that felt so good that it made her even more scared.

_He said to open your eyes so you have to cope with what it means._

Wonhee swallowed again and slowly opened her eyes, seeing so well despite the darkness and focused her gaze on Hyungwon's neck, the spot where she could see his heartbeat that matched what she could feel against her skin.

_Why do you feel so fucking helpless? Why would you put yourself in this kind of situation again?_

Hyungwon leaned a little closer, just enough for his lips to brush over her forehead and place a kiss between her eyebrows. Then his lips travelled along her nose bridge, encouraging her to tilt her head slightly upwards. She saw a hint of those big, brown eyes, the emotion in them, how overwhelmed Hyungwon seemed, just like herself before his warm lips travelled even lower and finally touched her own.

_He must've seen it. The way you feel._

It felt good to be held and to be kissed like that and maybe, if it wasn’t for her thoughts, her closed eyes while the cold crept up her skin, the icy feeling of nothing as the seconds ticked by confirming that being her meant feeling disgusted or feeling rejected, maybe she could've believed that something changed, but how could the good things last when there was always the after. The next step. The fear of being hurt or to disappoint all over again, staying in the back of her head and mixing the hint of bitterness into the delicious kiss that she felt unable to ignore.

***

Fear, worry and low self-esteem. Hyungwon knew those feelings so well as if they had always been a part of him, present since birth to show him that he didn't quite fit in, that there was something wrong with him that other people didn't have to struggle with.

After years of getting rejected, before and after transitioning, Hyungwon couldn't imagine that now was the moment for change, that a person existed that genuinely didn't mind.

Of course, he believed Wonhee when she said that she liked him and that she wanted to try. There was nothing for her to gain from him by lying. He wasn't a person that had a lot to offer.

_You know that she's not lying, but at the same time you doubt her because she just doesn't know._

Wasn't it easy to claim that one wouldn't be scared before getting into the actual situation? Wasn't it easy to say that in case of meeting a tiger one would follow protocol instead of panicking and freezing in place? Wonhee was accepting and spoke of her feelings towards him, but still Hyungwon dreaded the moment she would be close enough to find out her true response, to know whether she was able to be next to him or not.

_Maybe she will have expectations, ask you for changes that you don't want for yourself._

Those thoughts kept returning to his mind no matter what he was doing, whether he was simply sitting on a couch next to Wonhee and observing her sleeping face, or whether he was alone in his apartment sewing embroidery onto the edges of her shirt.

Hyungwon wanted to keep Wonhee safe and give her what she needed, but how could it be him? It seemed surreal that somebody like her wouldn't want what society considers 'a real man', somebody who had a male body from the start. Hyungwon didn't have such a body, but why did that have to make his feelings and identity any less valid?

_But she didn't stop considering you to be what you are, even after she found out._

There was something indescribable about Wonhee, something that pulled him in and caused him to be reckless. He should have asked before kissing her right after waking up, but he had been overwhelmed by the expression on her face, the affection with which she looked at him. He had kissed her, but even as he did and Wonhee followed his request and climbed on top of his lap, he still couldn't turn off his concerns, his worries about not being enough because he was different.

Hyungwon constantly thought about himself, about his own fears and about his need for distance and time. He was so focused on those things that he hadn't even realised the steps that Wonhee was making towards him, the sacrifices she made in order to be vulnerable in front of him. Vulnerable and oh so scared.

_You didn't know that she feels so much, that she is so scared to make a mistake and lose you that she can barely breathe._

Hyungwon was also barely breathing when Wonhee let her clothes fall to the floor and stood with her back turned towards him, gorgeous Azalea covering most of her body and holding his gaze indefinitely. She was shaking but tried to hide it, fingers holding onto her arms so tightly that marks remained.

Maybe that was the reason Hyungwon decided to challenge his own fear, to pull at the edges of what he considered himself capable off and bare himself the way Wonhee had. It still wasn't the same, not with his eyes remaining open as he removed each layer of clothing and letting it all fall to the floor while Wonhee's eyes were shut and her hands helpless until he curled them around his neck. Each step was decided by him, by his motions and his words while Wonhee remained in his arms, vulnerable and helpless.

_You didn't want to be the reason for her helplessness anymore._

Hyungwon wanted to fight his own fear, to push it back at least half as much as Wonhee was able to do with her own. She was so strong, standing naked before him with closed eyes and a shaking body even though she was so scared. Scared of making a mistake, of upsetting him, of doing more than he allowed her too. He couldn't believe that there was a person that cared about him so much that they were paralysed in their actions, scared and helpless in his arms in the hope that he would accept them.

_How could you ever reject her? How could you even think that your fear is what matters most?_

Hyungwon didn't know if Wonhee was going to reject him as soon as she understood what made him different, as soon as she saw his body. He couldn't be sure how she would react, but was it fair of him to assume it before she did? He had been so convinced about her negative reaction that he pushed her so far away that there was fear of the smallest of mistakes in her eyes. He had made her helpless all over again, but this time by valuing his own fear more and thereby invalidating hers.

_Shouldn't you know better than invalidating somebody else?_

He was still terrified when he stepped closer and wrapped his arms around Wonhee's naked body, feeling her soft breasts against his chest and her rapid breaths against his collarbones. Of course he was still afraid of rejection, but he could see Wonhee's face, the sheer fear that she must have felt each second that their bodies weren't close, that he didn't pull her in and let her know that he cared. Hyungwon cared so much that he had to hold himself back to not kiss her without consent, to pull her in because he couldn't bear the distance.

"Open your eyes," he whispered, feeling the adrenaline rushing through his veins because he didn’t know how Wonhee would react, whether she would lose her fear or transform it into disgust. Hyungwon didn't know, but he wanted to, he wanted to get close enough to see whether he could defeat her helplessness, whether he could make her feel loved.

Whether he could get close enough to let himself be hurt.

As soon as those black eyes opened, but didn't dare to look at his face, Hyungwon couldn't help himself. It felt overwhelming to see how much another person cared, how much they wanted to prevent themselves from making a mistake and trembled despite a loving embrace. Encouraging Wonhee to look up by brushing his lips over her forehead and nose, Hyungwon finally couldn't hold back anymore and kissed her.

The sensation burned from his lips over his chest all the way down towards his abdomen. He could barely breathe because it made him feel so much, because he wanted Wonhee to know how much it meant to him to have her close, to witness her vulnerability while providing his own. He didn't know what would happen as soon as he stepped back, as soon as they really looked at each other, but right that instant it felt safe. Wonhee felt safe.

What he felt first was the difference between the way they had kissed in the car or even on the couch and how they did now. Wonhee was barely moving, arms staying in place around his neck and only a few rough exhales leaving the small nose. She didn't take the lead, she didn't do anything actually, it seemed as if she was paralysed in his arms.

_She's afraid, Hyungwon. You aren't able to take her fear._

Brushing over Wonhee's bottom lip one more time, he leaned back and tried to meet her gaze. It felt scary to be visible, even though it was dark. The worry of being seen and rejected was there, but he wanted to bear it if Wonhee had been able to do the same.

"How can I make you feel safe, Wonhee?" he asked softly and bit down on his bottom lip. What if he wasn’t able to? What if something had gone wrong between them back then and there was no way to fix it anymore? "You enable me to do things I've never dared to do before, so how can I show you how much this means to me?"

The black eyes were focused on his neck like shortly before he kissed her, and again there wasn't a single motion in the warm body that stayed in place, skin against skin.

"You must be so scared doing this and I'm sorry that my behaviour made you feel like that. I didn't mean to make this about myself at all, I just- I keep telling myself that I'm the right person but somehow, when I close my eyes I feel like I'm just lying to myself to feel better. I don't want to hurt you but I have no idea how it works, Hyungwon. Isn't it easier to just keep me at a distance? Far enough to not step on anything that you value?" Wonhee's fingers trembled and she loosened her embrace, letting them fall to her sides. "If you don't want me to see you… I can leave. I don't want to close my eyes."

_You scared her so much. You waited so much that she must think you don't want her even though you can barely breathe from the desire to have her close._

Hyungwon hadn't been sure about what he felt before, not beyond the realization that Wonhee was important to him. But seeing a person's fear and wanting to keep them safe, feeling so much because of their pain that one was willing to compromise one's own, wasn't that love?

"You feel like the right person to me," he whispered and tightened his embrace even though Wonhee let go. It hurt, but wasn't it a misunderstanding? "I don't know how it works either, Wonhee. I kept expecting you to give up on me, but now I'm not so sure anymore. You make me hopeful. I'm scared, but I really want to try. Please don't leave."

"What if I hurt you? Even now, I'm not sure whether you're holding me because you're simply a stunning human being who is always caring and trying to prevent me from feeling rejected, or if that's what you really want. I know that it's my fault, I do. I decided that it was a good idea to pull my insides out again and I couldn't predict how standing in the cold with my eyes closed would make me feel, but it's here now and it seems so real that I just wish I didn't exist. I understand the self-loathing and dark predictions, I'm full of them, Hyungwon, but I can't live with the thought of doing something you don't want, with being able to do something you don't want, with making you feel like I do all the time. You don't deserve it and I can't make you."

Hyungwon listened while keeping his arms tightly wrapped around Wonhee. Her thoughts seemed so familiar. She was right about the way he felt towards himself, but for him it wasn't real self-loathing. It was taught, taught through the way people reacted to him and made him feel about themselves.

_But she seems to really think that way about herself, not only because of what she is told._

"You're the first person who really cares about what I want, Wonhee," he murmured and didn't know how to make her understand the way he felt without using the same words. No matter what he said, it must have looked like pity to Wonhee. She must have believed that he was trying to make her feel better without the genuine affection that he felt towards her.

_You're afraid of losing her too, but she cannot see it._

"But at the same time… you don't have to take the first person who comes along and cares about you. You deserve better. You deserve to love and be loved in return, not to take some left-overs." Suddenly Wonhee looked up and it was scary to see the confidence with which she spoke those words.

_She doesn't know, Hyungwon. She cannot tell._

Hyungwon held her gaze, realising that here his explanations didn't mean anything, not unless he laid himself bare the way Wonhee had.

"I'm in love with you," he breathed out and couldn't help the way his hands froze and his fingers trembled. "I can't even express how it feels to hear you talk about yourself that way when you mean the world to me. I know we haven’t known each other for that long, but still it's how I feel."

The change in Wonhee's expression was instant, as if his words had broken the confidence with which the short woman explained the situation, how she was some kind of left over for him even though he should have a functional relationship based on mutual affection.

"How-" she breathed out, inhaling loudly in the quiet apartment in the darkness. "How can you say something like that?" Wonhee stared and at first it seemed like a still frame before her bottom lip started trembling and her small hands lifted to his neck, curling around it desperately. He could see the tiny streams roll down her cheeks before she leaned forward and buried her face in his neck, quietly sobbing against his skin. "Please don't let this be some fucked up dream of mine, please."

_She must have been so convinced that you didn't feel the same. Is that how your fear made it seem to her?_

"Shh," he whispered, stroking over her hair in an attempt to calm her while holding her close. It felt so good to have her arms around his neck, to feel the difference from before.

_Just like you she was scared to get closer, afraid of what might happen._

"It's not a dream." His voice sounded low in the darkness and he made sure to speak every word into the protruding ear. "I love you, Wonhee. I'm sorry for being so scared, but please don't think that I don't want you. I'm scared because I do."

"But how can you love me if all I did was hurt you, why?" She lifted her head and looked at him before raising to her tip toes and carefully kissing his lips, touch so tender that it tingled. Wonhee brushed over his neck and his hair and it seemed like she was trying to make sure that he was actually standing there for real. "I don't deserve you. I know I don't, but I still want you so much that it fucking hurts."

"I hurt you too, made you feel helpless just like him and still you want to be with me." Hyungwon smiled and it felt so good to see affection on Wonhee's face, to be close and have their naked bodies touch and for once not to expect rejection. He didn't know what made him so sure that there was no place for his fear right now. Maybe it was their closeness and the fact that even though Wonhee worried, she still didn't try to get even closer to him, to touch him. "You're the first person who hurt me but apologised for me and not for herself. That means so much to me. I hope to become somebody that you can trust without fear. Maybe not yet, but hopefully some day."

"You- you don't really understand." The small palms cupped his face and Wonhee placed another soft kiss against the corners of his mouth. "I did what I did, knowing that you didn't want to go further with me, but the knowledge, the way it felt to stand there naked and alone was so intense that it made me think… think about the meaning of this. About whether you would just bother and hurt yourself by being with me. You aren't like him. He would've just used my vulnerability and nakedness to get off." Chuckling despite it not being suitable to the topic at all, Wonhee stroked over his hair and focused on his face with an expression of awe that was so affectionate that it felt unusual to have somebody look at him that way. "I have no idea what is happening right now and I'm still scared because it feels unreal but I'm also overwhelmed because you're holding me like this even though you don't want to."

"I want to," Hyungwon replied, wondering what was necessary for Wonhee to understand that his conflict wasn't about her, but about his experiences and inability to meet expectations. "I want to be close to you, hold you and kiss you, even if you can't…" He swallowed because he didn't want to remind her. Even if it was the way he was and Wonhee hadn't judged him for it yet. "Even if you can't physically tell."

"It- is an ambivalence that I can't understand yet. When I didn't know anything about you, and to be honest, I probably still don't, I thought how amazing it was that I wasn't feeling pressured by your reaction, how easily I could be close to you without being scared. Apart from that one time with the throwing. And now, after I broke something, you changed, the way you are treating me changed, so I don't think that I'm judging your reaction or the lack of it because I was actually feeling at ease about it. I think it's me remembering how you acted towards me when I took you home and how it is now. So I keep thinking… I keep thinking that you deserve being with somebody who you want to touch, to undress, to kiss and to enjoy the closeness with and not be terrified as soon as you get closer than arm-length. And I don't blame you, I told you. You're right."

_You got careful because you began to care more, understood how serious it is and were scared of ruining it._

Suddenly, Wonhee's constant insecurity made sense, the way she assumed that he didn't feel the same and wanted to be friends. It was the change in his advances towards her, his attempts to reduce the situations in which they were close and there was a risk of going further, to possibly be touched and have to deal with rejection.

_Rejection and the helpless person you were before._

"I've- I've never been at ease with being touched, Wonhee," he whispered and chewed on his bottom lip, noticing the discomfort creeping up his back as he became aware of his own nakedness, of how vulnerable he was right that instant. "It's not because of what you did. Even if you hadn't touched me back then, I would be scared of being close. Before… before transitioning I just felt so disgusted, especially when somebody touched me anyway just to show me how 'nice' it can be. Now- now I'm just scared that it won't be what you want and I'll be left with the same hatred for my body I had back then. I know I shouldn't be shutting myself off and end up losing my only chance to be close to somebody, but it's so fucking hard. I don't want to be back there, Wonhee. I don't want to go back ever."

"You don't have to go back. You're here right now, so I won't let you." Wonhee let her fingers travel over his cheeks and neck to wrap around it again, return to the position he put them in. "Do you feel scared now? Touching like this? To have my skin touch yours?" the pleasant voice whispered accompanied by the flowery scent. "It's touching too, isn't it? But it feels good to me. Almost making me forget how the cold felt when I offered myself and you didn't come."

Hyungwon swallowed, aware of the softness of Wonhee's breasts that were pressing against his chest and how warm her body was as it melted against his own. He enjoyed the way it felt, how calm it was because Wonhee didn't feel the need to pull back, to do more or to check whether he was the way she expected him to be.

"I'm not scared," he replied truthfully. The fear he had felt before moved to the background when Wonhee embraced him tightly and made him feel that she wanted to be close to him without any expectations. It was just the two of them, standing naked in her living room and enjoying each other's warmth. "I'm breathless because you make me feel so much. You- you are really soft and I enjoy how that feels. I hope that doesn't sound offensive to you. I really like it, everything about you."

"Firstly, I'm a pound cake. My mother says you become what you eat, so there's that and secondly…" Wonhee removed one of her hands and for a brief second he thought that she would touch him, but she just reached behind herself, wrapping her fingers around one of his arms and leading his palm over her hips and waist, chewing on her bottom lip. "Secondly, you said you didn't want to touch me because it's unfair and not mutual, but- what if… What if I like it?"

"You don't mind?" he murmured, a little ashamed because he liked it so much but told Wonhee that he was afraid of being touched himself. "I- I really like it too, but I don't want you to feel like I'm using you for something, unwilling to give back. I've always been the one to please and- it backfired before."

"Backfired? How?" At some point Wonhee's eyes fluttered shut briefly as she led his hand along her gorgeous round butt and back towards the curve of her lower back. Hyungwon couldn't contain a gasp because she was so beautiful. Her body was curvy and he considered it just right, perfectly fit for his big hands that he finally allowed to travel a little. He stroked Wonhee's sides and listened carefully whether she minded the touch when she wasn't the one leading it.

He knew that Wonhee had asked him about his experiences, but he waited and used their closeness to distance himself. Wonhee was right, he was right here now, with her, and what happened was in the past.

"At some point the person I was with… decided that it was enough and just went ahead and I couldn't say anything," he murmured and leaned in to bury his face in Wonhee's neck, drown his thoughts with the sweet scent of flowers and a hint of what he remembered from the one night they were close.

"It must be so tiring that I'm short," she chuckled and gasped at the touch of his fingers. Her sounds were the best kind of sounds for sure.

Suddenly her round black eyes focused on his when he lifted his head to look, pulling him in with their intensity. "I think- that you might feel like you are demanding things that are hard to do from me, but I am the same, Hyungwon. I never talk about it because you never forced me to, but I also don't want to be touched in a certain way because it's painful and makes me want to stop existing. I thought about this. I thought about what would happen if you never let me touch you. Ever. What would I do? And the answer is: nothing. Because I simply won't touch you then, if that's what makes you miserable. I will be persistent and annoying, demanding from you that you show me ways of making you feel loved and feel good, but I won't do anything that you don't want and need."

Hyungwon listened, he stood still with his arms around Wonhee and listened as his body betrayed him. It began with a burning in his chest and heat that travelled to his face, followed by burning in his eyes as the first tear formed and rolled down his cheek. It was pathetic to cry after hearing something that he had wished to hear for so long, but he still did. The tears started out slowly until they just trickled down his face as he tried to compose himself and hold his breath but failed, sobbing softly.

"I'm-" he tried, but wasn't able to form a coherent sentence, immediately sobbing in between. "Wonhee- I'm just-"

He used the arm around her waist to pull her closer, hoping that she understood that he wasn't upset with her, not at all. It was rather the opposite. He felt so elated that the fear that he had dreamt it all up was overshadowing it with tears.

"It's fine. You don't need to explain yourself," Wonhee whispered and hugged him, letting him feel her soft body, inhale the floral scent and stroking over his hair as if everything was going to be alright. "Thank you for… for the trust. It means the world to me and it's the one thing I needed to not let go no matter what."

_She trusted you first, even though she was vulnerable and scared._

Hyungwon nodded, still trying to control his tears while keeping Wonhee so close that he couldn't tell where his body ended and hers began, warmth mingling and filling out his chest. It felt good, so good that he found himself yearning to never separate again.

_But you will have to, won't you?_

Hyungwon lifted his head and met Wonhee's gaze, aware of how much he could see on her face, that even the light blush was visible despite the darkness. Like this they were close but still hidden from view, kissing and sharing warmth.

_But how are you supposed to separate? As soon as you step back she'll-_

He swallowed, suddenly self-conscious about the decision he had made to undress and step closer. How was he supposed to break the embrace without letting her see, without giving her time to get used to the thought? What if she was going to be repulsed, breaking him back into the pieces that she had been picking up so carefully?

_What are you supposed to do?_

Wonhee observed him before stroking over his arms and smiling softly. "It's a bit cold here, right? I need to go to the bathroom and you can get dressed in the meantime, if you like." The short woman lifted on her tiptoes and kissed him before simply turning around and leaving the room, like a gorgeous flower, naked, beautiful and with her head held high.

_

His steps sounded loud in the spacious lobby and Hyungwon wondered if the reason was his heightened attention towards his surroundings. He had been to the lobby of Wonhee's apartment building several times by now and this time he pulled many more glances towards himself than before.

_You hate it so much when people stare. As if they are trying to figure out what is wrong with you._

He didn't think that he was really the reason for the stares, at least that was what he told himself. His mind was insisting with all its might that the reason for all that staring was the pink flower pot in his hands. Hyungwon could have chosen a different colour, but it was the colour of the gorgeously blooming Azalea within the pot, so of course he had done his best to make them match. He had even written Wonhee's name in calligraphy on it, making sure the letters resembled Azalea stems.

_You must seem so obsessed._

Chewing on his cheek, he awkwardly smiled at an elderly man on one of the couches and stopped in front of the elevator, waiting for the doors to open. The quicker he was out of plain sight, the less excuses he had to make for people staring.

_You aren't even dressed all that crazily. You purposefully wear your shirts low cut, so people stop assuming._

Finally, the elevator doors opened, but it wasn’t empty and he waited until the person left, but they remained standing in front of him as he could tell from the expensive looking shoes before the voice gave an answer to all his questions.

“Oh, would you look at that! What a coincidence.” The man stepped closer and waited until Hyungwon lifted his gaze. “There’s no reason for you to be here unless you want to score with her, but I guess you might today because she’s extra sad.”

Hyungwon felt all of his features tense from the mere sight of Mark's face. That man hadn't hurt him to the degree that he hurt Wonhee, but hearing him talk was already enough to make his jaw tighten and his hands to press into the ceramic.

_He sets off your fight or flight response._

"You seem to be incapable of empathy. Just because you have selfish motives, doesn't mean everybody else does," he replied and tightened his grip on the pot. Suddenly, he felt thankful that it was there.

“You must be here for love, huh? Is that why you brought a flower along? This is not about feelings, lady. It’s about benefits and you seem to lack that understanding completely, but maybe it’s because there’s nothing to gain from you and for that matter also from her because she just acts up for no reason instead of doing what’s reasonable and clear for everybody involved.” Mark stepped out and waited for him to enter the elevator before grinning in such a disgusting manner that he felt repulsed just by looking. “She tastes like cherry cake, I hope you like cherry cake,” the bastard commented and let the doors shut on his repulsive smirk.

Hyungwon's hands trembled and he placed the pot on the elevator floor as soon as the doors closed. He feared that he might have smashed it otherwise. He knew that Mark was full of shit and ignorant, but until now he hadn't told a blatant lie.

_He must have forced himself on her, Hyungwon. She must be feeling so helpless now._

He felt nauseated just thinking about how Wonhee must have felt and couldn't wait for the elevator doors to finally open on the seventh floor. As soon as the space was broad enough for him to slip through, he grabbed the flower pot and hurried along the hallway until he reached Wonhee's door.

He hadn't even decided what to say when his hands already pressed the doorbell. He expected steps or some kind of sound but there was nothing. Not a single noise escaped the apartment and Hyungwon could only hear another ring as he pressed the doorbell again, hoping that she would come, but it remained silent.

_She must want to be alone, away from everybody._

The thought was there, but still Hyungwon couldn’t will himself to give up and leave. He couldn’t just leave, not when he knew that Wonhee must have been feeling terrible after another encounter with Mark. Hyungwon had seen what merely seeing him could do to her, he didn’t even want to imagine what seeing him now might have caused, without anybody on her side.

_You should have been there._

Leaning against the door, he tried the bell one more time. It remained silent, but he decided to try with words. What if she thought that Mark had returned?

“Wonhee?” he murmured and drew a circle on the door, simply to create another noise apart from the sound of his voice.

Then, suddenly, there were more noises, something fell and it sounded as if it shattered against a hard floor before there were quick steps, running towards the door. It was silent for a few seconds, as if Wonhee wondered if she should open the door or not, but she could have seen him on video and decide whether she wanted to see him or not. She did and the heavy door opened slowly, showing the beautiful woman who was wearing a black shirt and a yellow skirt stained at the bottom with something that looked like blood. When he glanced up at Wonhees face, there was a basic smile and looking closer it was obvious that she had put some concealer under her eyes that looked puffy and a bit red.

“Hey! I’m sorry, were you waiting for a long time? I- didn’t hear,” she said and turned around quickly, walking into the apartment. “Come in.”

Hyungwon stepped through the door frame and closed the door, quickly slipping out of his shoes before he remembered the flower and picked it up from in front of the door. There was a heaviness at the pit of his stomach that only increased with each passing second, with each moment that Wonhee refrained from looking at him and seemed to fumble with something in the kitchen without watching him take off his shoes as she liked to do.

_Her smile. You know that smile._

Wonhee must have had a cut on her hand that she quickly washed under the kitchen tap and put a band aid on before turning towards him, hands trembling a bit, but expression so familiar somehow. That kind of expression one made when there was something falling apart inside you but you tried to not show it, to not let anybody else see even though mostly nobody was interested enough to see anything anyway.

“I baked and already ate a slice because I couldn’t resist,” Wonhee said, turning around and taking out a plate from the cupboard. “I hope you like it. It’s cherry cake.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 9

The white spots danced over the tiles next to her head as the wind outside shook the crown of the gigantic tree next to her bathroom window. She left the tap running because it calmed her thoughts, made her think of a stream somewhere in the woods, far away from the expensive perfume, that ridiculously big apartment, her designer clothes and the taste of helplessness and pure disgust on her tongue that didn’t go away no matter how long she lay there and no matter how long she would stay there. She knew it wouldn’t leave her, ingrained in the pile of crumbs that she considered herself to be, worthless and a little bit easy. She was easy, wasn’t she? Telling herself that she couldn’t call the police and couldn’t do anything, but maybe she didn’t because it was easier to take it and act as if it never happened. Maybe she liked feeling miserable, who knows?

_Good that you can afford letting the water run indefinitely._

Suddenly, there was the sound of the bell and she shivered, arms wrapping around her knees as she pulled them as far as she could to her chest until it hurt enough to distract.

_Why can’t he just leave you alone if he says that you’re too easy? Why doesn’t he let go and just- just stop. There isn’t anything valuable to him that you own and could give him. Why does he do that? To make you feel like shit? But why? Why can’t he just die?_

She sobbed quietly before pressing her lips together and coughing because she couldn’t bear that feeling, the taste and the inability to forget. The inability to make her lips and tongue forget, make her skin forget, make every single cell in her body forget and move on, but it was all here, written all over her in a merciless way, like a knife putting it under her skin, like a burning flame making her feel every single spot that he touched with his disgusting hands. Closing her eyes, she could still see how he looked. She hated him but more than anything, she hated herself for letting it happen, for trying to free herself but in such a ridiculous way.

_You know exactly that you have no chance physically, but you didn’t do your best. Maybe you could’ve prevented this but you didn’t and now you’re fucking disgusting and he will see and…_

Suddenly her mind provided her with the reason for being dressed up, for opening the door without thinking like a stupid idiot, for smiling.

_You thought it was him._

The bell rang again and she jumped up, arms feeling numb from the sheer force that she used to pull her knees to her chest. Of course, the clumsiness didn’t go anywhere and she knocked the hand mirror off the sink, making it break into pieces, hurting her hand, staining her skirt and still trying to be functional somehow. She reached for the concealer and smeared some under her eyes, hoping that it would smoothen some of the puffiness. She looked like shit, Mark was right. But if she did, he shouldn’t have fucking touched her. He-

_But you let it happen, didn’t you? So why are you like this? It’s your own fault. How are you supposed to look at Hyungwon now? He’ll be fucking disgusted too. Nobody wants a helpless used doll who can’t protect herself._

She turned off the tap and quickly rubbed the blood away from her arm before running towards the door and stopping right in front of it to look at the screen to make sure.

_It’s him._

He looked beautiful and seeing him made it so much worse because she couldn’t be like this. She couldn’t cry and be miserable and hate herself and complain about something that she should’ve been able to prevent. Inhaling deeply, she put on a smile and opened the door, quickly registering Hyungwon’s gaze that travelled over her clothes to her face.

_What if he can see and is disappointed? He wanted to teach you how to protect yourself but you learned fucking nothing, Wonhee._

She felt a drop move down her arm and quickly turned around to run into the kitchen murmuring something completely meaningless, trying to clean up in time before Hyungwon stepped inside and could look closer at the mess that she was. A weak mess that deserved no compassion, especially not from him. He had real problems and suffered for real whereas she was just too fucking weak to do any-fucking-thing, being all sad in her gigantic apartment and a wardrobe full of designer clothes.

_You need to say something. It’s all in your head and for him it’s just silence. Weird silence._

It was easier to talk about something meaningless, like what she baked and that she already ate a piece of the cherry cake that took hours to make. She took out another plate and cut a slice of cake for herself, hoping to get rid of that disgusting taste that he left for her, as if knowing that it would drive her insane and make her feel worthless and quickly picking out a cherry to chew on it. It tasted like nothing. As if nothing could make it disappear.

Hyungwon didn't speak but there was a brief smile on his face as he joined her in the kitchen and stopped next to her, right in front of the counter with the cake she had baked.

"Wonhee?" he asked and waited until she finally dared to look at his face. "I missed you. Can I… embrace you?"

_What if he can tell? What if he can tell that somebody touched you. What if he can smell his scent on you and will think..._

“I would love to- but I think I’ll take a shower first,” she muttered, feeling like an idiot with her semi-wet hair talking about showering again. “I know I should’ve known that you’re coming, but… yeah.”

"But he came and hurt you even though he should have minded his own fucking business," Hyungwon whispered suddenly and carefully brushed over her wrist without holding onto it. "You don't need to pretend, Wonhee. Not for me. I want to make it better, will you let me?"

_He knows. He knows what happened. But how?_

She panicked, stepping back and hands curling around the counter, lips trembling and all the careful masquerade crumbling right in front of Hyungwon’s feet.

_This is so fucking embarrassing._

What did that mean? What would he tell her? How would he want to make it better? Did they meet in the lobby? Was the timing right? If they did, Mark might have told him about it. He might have told him that she liked it and other things. About how she didn’t try hard enough to free herself, that she just froze like an idiot.

_And he probably believes him._

Her lungs clenched painfully and she stopped breathing for a few seconds, forcing the lack of oxygen to prevent her from hyperventilating and her thoughts made it so easy to get further into that cycle of self-blame. It was easy because it made sense. It made sense that she was the one at fault.

“I- I didn’t want it, I told him to leave but he- he didn’t. I know I should’ve fought back, I’m so sorry for letting him do that, you must be so fucking disgusted, and I understand! I do! I am disgusted too, I didn’t want it, I promise,” she whispered, eyes filling with tears because she knew how stupid she sounded, that it sounded like an excuse after doing something that was obviously wrong.

Hyungwon shook his head, but there was no disgust on his blurry face as he stepped closer and simply wrapped his arms around her shoulders. The touch was similar to the way he touched her at the very first event, suggesting the intention, but without quite carrying through.

"It's not about what you should have done, Wonhee. It's about what he shouldn't have. You've done nothing wrong. He had no right to touch you, no right to do anything you do not want. Not even coming here was his right." Hyungwon swallowed and for the first time Wonhee saw him genuinely angry, jaw clenched. "The only one I am disgusted by is him, Wonhee. You're the person I love and he hurt you. And there was nothing I could do to keep you safe. I'm sorry for not being here when you needed me."

_It’s not his job to keep you safe from people you got involved with by yourself. He even said that he loves you again even though you deserve none of it. Fuck._

“I- just-” Wonhee didn’t feel worthy of a hug, so she sunk to her knees and wrapped her arms around Hyungwon’s long legs. “This is not your job and you are not my bodyguard and also not somebody who is only here to prevent me from being a coward. I just can’t tell anybody because my parents don’t care and explicitly told me that I shouldn’t make ‘a fuss’. I don’t want to be touched by anybody but you, I don’t. I don’t want to feel like this, but why do I have to? Fuck. I’m so sorry. I know that my suffering is nothing in comparison and it’s mostly my fault anyway. I should have some empathy, instead of doing this. I’m so sorry, Hyungwon, please forgive me.”

"There is nothing to forgive," Hyungwon whispered and slipped to the floor next to her. He loosened her arms around his legs and wrapped them around his waist instead. "I- I know what this feels like, Wonhee. Maybe-" There was a chuckle next to her ear that sounded rather bitter as Hyungwon stroked over her hair. "Maybe that is one of the reasons I'm never considered a real man. I… understand what it means to be utterly disregarded by other people. It's an experience that I have incorporated into the person I am now. If there is something that I learned, then it's that this isn't your fault, Wonhee. It isn't and it never will be. No matter who he is or how important your parents think his favour is, none of it matters if he hurts you."

_But it’s still your fault for allowing it, isn’t it?_

It sounded so reasonable and real, but it also didn’t really matter because it hurt and she experienced it, she felt powerless and helpless. Mark hurt her, deep inside, ripping her defences apart and forcing himself inside her, making her skin remember and she couldn’t do anything against it apart from hating herself and trying to be comforted by a person who probably had thousands of those experiences, someone who went out every day knowing that people would continue throwing hate and ignorance at him.

_He met him in the elevator or the lobby. He must’ve said something hurtful to him._

“Did he say something spiteful to you when you met? Did he? I’m going to kill him,” she whispered, pulling Hyungwon closer and feeling how anger took over so quickly. It was interesting how the helplessness was gone as soon as it was about somebody else, how quickly she made the judgment that it was injustice, that she needed to act and how readily she thought about actually doing something.

_Aren’t you a bit fake?_

"I felt the same way when I saw him and knew he must have hurt you. I wanted to punch him with the flower pot I brought for you." Hyungwon chuckled, for real this time and pulled her closer. "But it's too precious for somebody like him. He needs to feel the consequences of what he does, Wonhee. You can't let his connection to your parents give him a free pass to go against human rights. It's wrong."

_But all of it is wrong and you are in the middle of it._

“There- is so much wrong with the way that I and my family are living that I don’t even know where to start or if it can ever be fixed at all. The only thing I know is that I won’t let them hurt you. I won’t. You- you are the most precious person to me, Hyungwon. Even though I feel dumb and helpless and disgusting, I still think about you the most.” She let her forehead rest against Hyungwon’s shoulder before lifting her head with a smile even though the tears didn’t care whether she wanted to smile or not and simply ran down her cheeks. Her parents called her princess because she was able to cry without making a sound. The noble kind of crying. “I even put on some concealer for you. Pretty, right?” Wonhee pointed at the spot under her left eye.

Hyungwon smiled and leaned in, placing a kiss to each of her eyes, leaving her tears on the plump lips.

"I like you either way, with or without concealer," the beautiful man remarked and kept his arms tightly wrapped around her body. His expression was so reassuring and genuine, like looking at her brought him joy instead of everything terrible Wonhee had made up inside her mind. "You don't need to solve this alone, Wonhee. You happen to be the most precious person to me, so let's figure this out together, okay?"

_Why does this feel so different?_

She tried to understand what it was, why she felt a strange pulling in her chest that felt refreshing, good even and not constricting at all. Was it because he didn't hate her the way she hated herself for her lack of response? Was it because he comforted her?

Focusing her gaze on Hyungwon's big hazel eyes that made her feel so cared for and that seemed to consist of all the warmth that the world had to offer concentrated in one single human, she realized what the difference was.

"You- Hyungwon, you haven't blamed me for anything. Not even once. Why haven't you blamed me, even for the mistakes that I made? This- I don't think this ever happened to me. I can't believe that you didn't tell me how I'm at fault for how slow or fast our relationship is progressing, that I'm easy for letting him touch me or that I shouldn't act up. You never even mentioned that I'm an asshole for being the way I am, you just- you just told me that you love me."

_But you can't just say it without knowing that you'll be strong enough to do everything you can to protect it._

"I told you that there has never been anything about me that seemed worth fighting for, right? After meeting you I feel like I developed certain needs that I want to keep and protect and it feels different and a bit empowering. I want to be someone like that for you too. I'm going to fight for your happiness, so you don't have to do it alone anymore." Overwhelmed by the feelings in her chest, Wonhee leaned in, disregarding the lack of stability of their position and made Hyungwon fall, landing on top of him with her chest against his and her hips between his legs. "You-" she muttered, staring at Hyungwon's face. "You are so beautiful."

_You don’t deserve him and it feels a bit off that you let yourself be comforted like that after what happened._

The gorgeous man stared right back, a bashful smile spreading his lips. It was the same one that had stolen her breath away the first time she saw him, wondering how a person could be so attentive and caring towards a stranger.

_He is so damn beautiful._

"So are you," Hyungwon replied and leaned in to kiss her, pressing their lips together for a moment as both of their weight rested on his elbows. Even when they separated, Hyungwon remained close, mere centimetres away from her lips.

_But what if he can tell that you taste different?_

"I love you," he breathed out. "It's becoming more and more real to me."

_To you too, but you can’t just-_

"I-" she started, biting on her bottom lip and unable to look away from Hyungwon's stunning face. How could he be real, how could a human like him exist, caring, smart, interesting, lovable and so so beautiful? She should've felt like she didn't deserve him, but the only thought in her shameless mind consisted of drowning in everything that he was. "Could you please kiss me until I can't think?"

Hyungwon looked shy even though he had just kissed her and pushed the negativity from her mind. It seemed like he was oblivious to the ability he possessed, to the effect he had on her.

"I can try," he whispered and shifted his weight onto one elbow to use the other arm to pull her body closer and connect their lips again. Hyungwon was careful at first, brushing over her lips before applying pressure and finally pulling at her bottom lip with his teeth. She could still tell that he was inexperienced when it came to kissing, but that he had adapted the things she showed him, the things she enjoyed. The fact that she could only think about it for a split second, before those lips pulled every coherent thought from her mind confirmed that he was learning so fast.

"I'm so hooked. So so hooked. There's no way out," she murmured against his parted mouth before letting their noses brush against each other and tracing his thick lips with the tip of her tongue. "How can you replace those dark thoughts with a burning between my legs just from a kiss alone? This is insane."

_You’re indeed easy aren’t you?_

Hyungwon smiled into the kiss and stroked over her back as their mouths moved against each other. His breaths had also become more rapid and Wonhee loved the heat of his soft lips that seemed to burn against her own.

"To be honest..." the low voice murmured as Hyungwon placed a kiss against the corner of her mouth and eventually her jaw. His face seemed to be burning. "To be honest, I feel the same."

_It must make him a bit aroused too. At least he isn’t disgusted by you._

"Mhm. I like it. You are so warm," she whispered, kissing his neck and staying for a few seconds longer to inhale the scent of warm honey. "I hope- it's okay to say that I really love how your body looks and feels. I am like a soft tiny pound cake and you are so firm and long, I sometimes dream of you."

Hyungwon swallowed and quickly kissed her, murmuring 'me too' against her lips. Still holding onto her with one arm, he turned them to the side so that Wonhee was lying just high enough to meet his gaze without having to glance up, just the right height to kiss whenever they wanted to.

“I think that you’re too precious for me, but alas my personality is greedy, so I just wrap my arms around you and pull you against myself like this, trying to keep you,” she whispered, wrapping her arms around his neck and shifting closer, gaze taking in his gorgeous, angel-like features.

"Sometimes I'm not sure if it's greed or loneliness," Hyungwon replied and placed a kiss on her nose. "I'm lonely without you."

Chuckling, she leaned forward to kiss his soft, swollen lips. “Well, I’m not sure, but I do spend an unhealthy amount of time thinking how I hate that you have to work, smelling my bed, clothes I was wearing when I met you and telling the kids about how amazing you are, so it could be a mixture of both? You should come and lie in my bed again now that you’re here, so I have your fresh scent on it.”

_You’re ridiculous, but in the end it seems as if you feel more lonely because he’s busy._

Hyungwon smiled and used his free hand to brush his hair back, glancing to the side with a hint of shyness. It was so easy to make him shy even though he spoke of love without hesitation. "Would you… like me to?"

“If you don’t feel pressured, yes. I miss your scent and I hate waking up and trying to imagine it. But you don’t have to. You can also- lie on the floor with me. It’s warm, it has floor heating.”

Hyungwon shook his head slowly and sat up, still looking a little embarrassed. "I'd… really like to. I'd like to hug you properly."

“Properly? Like, without clothes?” she asked, feeling the heat travel up her face and sat up too before lifting to her feet and fixing her skirt that rode up pretty high. She needed to change into something else anyway.

From the expression on Hyungwon's face, she could tell pretty clearly that he hadn't thought that far. Blush developed on his cheeks and he stuttered something indecipherable first before clearing his throat and trying again. "We- I don't know. We could… try?"

Hyungwon seemed so nervous suddenly, fumbling with the fabric of his jeans.

“You look like you’d rather try to run away as quickly as you can,” she chuckled to loosen the sudden tension. Hyungwon had been hesitant and she should’ve gotten used to it, thinking about their hug in the living room as some kind of fever dream that she came back to every time because it was so vulnerable for both of them. She had even kept the blanket on the floor, just how Hyungwon had left it when he undressed and stepped close to her. “Don’t worry, let’s not do anything and just- just lie around.”

Hyungwon stood up too and reached for her hands, intertwining their fingers as he chewed on his cheek. "I… don't feel ready to show you yet. Can we… turn the lights off?"

The forest voice resembled a breeze as he spoke, so quiet that Wonhee barely heard him even though they were standing so close. He seemed nervous, but she couldn't tell if it was because he was afraid of being close or because he felt guilty.

_He probably thinks that you’re shameless for wanting to be close after letting Mark touch and kiss you that easily._

Swallowing, she squeezed Hyungwon’s hand and pulled him towards her bedroom, leaving him standing in the doorway as she walked to the gigantic windows and pushed the button on the right, covering her messy room and bed in darkness, until only a thin strip of light shone through. It was so dark that she could barely see, but she knew her room by heart, so she quickly threw her shirt on the makeup table, followed by her skirt and underwear before slowly walking towards Hyungwon on her tiptoes, fingers reaching for his warm hand.

“You don’t need to take anything off. I feel more real when I don’t wear anything but I’m also shameless doing this shit right after somebody touched and kissed me against my will, but my head is fucked up and I just want to bury my face in your neck and only breathe you to feel better about all this and about myself. You don’t need to undress. Stay the way you are comfortable. I don’t want anything else,” she whispered as she led him towards the bed and crawled on top.

She couldn't make out Hyungwon's expressions, but he hummed and sat down at the edge before pulling his shirt over his head.

"I would do the same if I were you, get as close as possible to the person I like. Even now… I'd like to feel your skin against mine," he whispered and slipped out of his jeans next. He didn't take off his underwear as he climbed on top of the bed and lay down next to her. "I- I feel safer in the dark. As if you won't be able to tell the difference. It's a stupid thought, but it's still there."

“I’m scared in the dark,” she murmured, and shifted, hand fisting the blanket and pillow. “But I bet that you’re more scared.”

Hyungwon didn't reply and merely wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close against his chest and holding his breath.

"I'll keep you safe," he murmured and stroked over her hair, twirling the locks around his fingers. "I'm only scared of you disliking the way it feels. The way I feel."

_Maybe it’s time to talk about it, Wonhee._

Still holding onto her pillow, she rolled up a little and stared into the darkness, making out a brief reflection in what must’ve been Hyungwon’s big eyes. “There- is a thing actually,” she started and swallowed. She knew that Hyungwon felt self-conscious and that he mentioned having a different body than what she was ‘used’ to, but it was something that she needed to address, it was a part of her and a weakness that had made it so easy for her previous partners to hurt her. Just because she assumed that Hyungwon wasn’t interested in penetrative sex, didn’t mean that he couldn’t hurt her. Not only the discomfort and pain were bothering her, it was mostly the feeling of being broken and worthless that she had to deal with on a regular basis, that was so easily used by Mark and that was probably hard to understand if she didn’t talk about it.

_That’s why you need to tell him. Because you told him that you’re scared of the dark, but actually you’re scared of what can happen in the dark._

“Remember when we talked about things we like and dislike? And about expectations? To be honest, I’m a bit fucked up. That’s why my relationships were a mess and that’s why Mark is like that to me. It would be different if I was normal, but I’m not, so- so he can’t let go of that and continues to make me feel like that. Probably so that I won’t forget,” she muttered, wondering why she kept being honest when she was naked and why she wanted to be naked next to Hyungwon. Of course she was attracted, that’s for sure, but it didn’t seem like her primary reason for having that strange feeling of wanting to be completely vulnerable next to him.

_He doesn’t try to hurt you and you simply can't believe it. That’s why._

"Mark is like that to you because he's a terrible human, Wonhee. A terrible human who doesn't get what he wants." Hyungwon pulled her closer and cupped her cheek, accompanying the touch by kissing the top of her head. He must have been nervous, anxious to be undressed and close, but still he was comforting her. "I… know the feeling of being different. Of being unable to fulfil expectations."

“But you’re amazing because you have all those qualities that make you so incredibly stunning. You’re beautiful, caring, attentive, lovable, funny, slim for that matter, and you are not trying to get something that’s not yours to have. I- I feel like I had like five jobs and suck at all of them. I had the job to be slim because that’s how women are supposed to look, I failed, I was supposed to study abroad, I did, but I actually like baking. They expect me to marry that prick, but I can’t stand him. They want me to at least get fucked like a normal woman, but I fucking hate it, so I fail all over. I feel like all I have is actually a scam because there’s no way I deserve it. My family doesn’t either because they’re shit humans, but I don’t because I am at least aware that I am a failure. I don’t mean to invalidate your pain, I will never fully understand because I simply don't know what it's like, but I just wanted to tell you that I’m a broken kind of person because I don’t do what I’m supposed to and don’t like what I’m supposed to. I- hate darkness because that’s what I connect with pain. Must be nice to have a functional vagina, can’t relate.” She sighed after all those words and tensed, waiting for Hyungwon to be thrown off by her monologue. She kept making everything about herself and it must’ve been so tiring. “This level of complaining must feel so ridiculous to you.”

_It feels ridiculous to you too, so why do you keep doing it?_

"It doesn't," Hyungwon replied and kept holding her tightly, even though he had begun by talking about his fear and Wonhee decided to down him in a monologue of her own. "I'm glad that you trust me enough to share those thoughts with me. I even think that I can relate, even if it's not quite the same. I also had the job to be slim, because women do, but my problem was that I wasn't a woman and that ended up being my first mistake. Then I was supposed to prove that I really was a man, but I enjoy makeup and designing clothes. My community expects me to be interested in things men are 'supposed to be' interested in, so I don't fit in even though I hadn't fit in before either. I'm stuck in the middle between society's expectations and my community's expectations that are shaped by society too and in the end I fulfil neither. But- but I fulfil my own expectations, so isn't that enough? I like myself this way and I don't think there is anything wrong with you either, Wonhee. I think you do the things you are meant to do and are the way you are meant to be. Decisions that you made yourself and are valid because this is about your life and not the life of the people who put those expectations on you."

She listened, feeling overwhelmed by the level of awareness that Hyungwon possessed, the kind of wise view on how the world worked and somehow his words were calming to her.

"I can't talk for myself, because to me, I'm still a failure, but I know that you're more than enough. I like everything about you, way more than I could ever like anything about myself. You must be so familiar with this, but it's hard to love yourself when everybody around you points out and judges you by the things you are not." Slowly, her eyes accommodated to the pitch dark room, making it easier to bear. She shifted a tiny bit closer but stopped in the middle, thinking that Hyungwon needed to be the one to make the first move. What if she was being too much? "You said that you're scared to let me see, right? Isn't it the same thing? You were hurt so often that you don't want to risk it. And with me, I've listened to those words and got hurt so often that I simply consider myself broken. I'm broken and I hate what normal people enjoy, but I really really like you. And I still have the hope that- that it's okay that I do and that I'll be enough."

"It is, Wonhee. I still struggle to believe it, but it is." She could see the smile on Hyungwon's face that spread his lips as they moved closer and placed a brief kiss against her own. Hyungwon was so tender with everything he did, each touch and each kiss. "The words you will hear from me are different ones because I feel differently. I consider you beautiful and I love your baking. I consider you caring and not only towards me, but also the children you visit regularly. Maybe I am biased because I am in love with you, but to me you are perfect and I am merely scared of the day you realise that I might not be what you want. But it seems both of us share this fear."

Hyungwon swallowed and reached for her palm, carefully wrapping around her wrist and leading her along the round shoulder, over the prominent collarbones to his chest. Wonhee could feel Hyungwon's small nipple below her fingertips, the warmth of his skin and the outline of muscles below it.

"Does it… feel different to you? Wrong?"

"No. It feels just right and you- touching you makes me want to taste your skin with my tongue and hear those sounds again. That's my only thought which is really impure for someone with dysfunctional genitals." She chuckled and sunk lower into the pillow. "I wanted to ask you something and I hope that it's okay. Your previous experiences- did you have them with men or women?"

"Both," Hyungwon replied and slipped just close enough to lick over the shell of her ear. He seemed more confident after her reply, as if some of the weight he carried around with himself was lifted off his chest. "How can you call yourself dysfunctional while… being so beautiful when you come?"

_Oh god._

Suddenly she was thankful for the darkness because her face was burning. Thinking about Hyungwon actually making her come seemed so far away after all that happened. As if they have been two different people back then, even though it seemed that her change wasn't as apparent. "Well- that part is still functional, but men don't care about that. I've only been with men before. Could've as well just not been close to anybody at all."

"I care about that," Hyungwon replied and kissed her neck before nibbling on her earlobe. Her last few sentences made him hesitate briefly, but she could tell how he quickly resumed, as if to brush over it. "And I'm a man. Why would you need more than that? It's about feeling pleasure and a man doesn't need to be inside you to feel good, especially if you don't enjoy it."

Wonhee relaxed a bit and shifted closer to feel more of those lips. "It's not even about enjoying, it just hurts. But they don't care because they want it. You're officially the only man who deserves rights. I don't even know what to say because I don't think I've ever felt more sexual attraction than I feel towards you."

"Really?" Hyungwon seemed genuinely surprised, but the positive kind as he lifted his head from her neck and examined her face. Wonhee hadn't lied, even in the dark the effect being close to him had on her was intense. "But I'm not even doing anything to pull you in. I just keep asking whether I can be close to you and tell you about my insecurities."

Wonhee leaned in and placed a careful kiss on Hyungwon's neck, testing out whether he liked it before travelling lower, sucking the skin into her mouth and rolling it between her teeth.

A breathy gasp left Hyungwon's mouth and it was just as low and addicting as she remembered it. Hands dropped to her waist, almost automatically and Hyungwon used the contact to caress her ribs and finally her hip bones. His touches were still tender, but the speed of his breaths betrayed that he was aroused.

"You- you said that it doesn't feel unfair to be touched," the low voice murmured right above her head as she kept nibbling on Hyungwon's skin. "Would you… like me to?"

"Considering the fact that I've been touching myself to the memory of you touching me for the past weeks, I guess so," she whispered back and only used her mouth to not accidentally do anything he didn't want.

It should've felt strange but it didn't, even though she had been so shaken and hurt before. Now, in Hyungwon's arms and listening to his rapid breaths, the bubble seemed so beautiful, cosy and perfectly intact.

***

_How is she able to take your fear?_

Hyungwon kept finding himself returning to one and the same question with each step that he moved closer towards Wonhee. He was still scared of showing too much, of being rejected after caring too much, so why was he so daring with her?

_Maybe because she is._

Wonhee had also been hurt countless of times, but still she kept showing him more of herself, shared her worries and undressed before lying down on the bed next to him. She was baring herself without expecting him to do the same.

It seemed easier next to her, to step closer in the pitch black room and remove his shirt and pants, remaining in his underwear. He moved closer and wrapped his arms around her, enjoying the sound that she made when they kissed and Hyungwon nibbled on her skin.

_She doesn't even mind touching your chest._

Hyungwon hadn't been able to get rid of the fear that it didn't feel real, that it felt wrong to other people even though that was exactly the way he wanted it to be. He couldn't fulfil the expectations of most people, but somehow Wonhee didn't expect anything he wasn't capable of. It even seemed like she was afraid of the things that Hyungwon didn't need for his pleasure.

_She is afraid of penetration, but there is no need for it. Not for you and not for her._

Maybe the awareness that Wonhee wasn't going to miss the genitals he didn't have provided him with confidence. He leaned closer and became more proactive, nibbling on Wonhee's jaw and neck and caressing her lower back and waist. He enjoyed how it felt and the more time passed, the more he hoped to be able to touch her, to make her moan and forget about her concerns, at least for a few moments.

It still seemed unfair to him, unfair to want to touch while not being ready to let Wonhee touch him in return. Still, he wasn't able to resist when Wonhee told him that she had masturbated to thoughts of him, that being with him aroused her.

_You want her so much. You thought you're only able to feel that way with yourself._

Hyungwon pressed his thighs together because of the developing heat and the way arousal increased in the pit of his stomach. In the back of his head, he still remembered how it had gone wrong before, how Wonhee found out through touching him unexpectedly.

_But it's different now, isn't it? She knows and somehow she's still here. She doesn't flinch when you point out that you don't have the usual parts either. Is it really okay?_

He was still scared to find out, to take off his underwear and ruin the mental image Wonhee must have had of him. Knowing that it was hypothetically different wasn't the same as seeing it with one's own eyes. Hyungwon was probably the only one who felt such relief when his body changed that he wanted to cry. But it was enough change for him. There was no need for more pain. There had been more than enough.

_This isn't about you, Hyungwon. It's about her._

He smiled and leaned in to kiss Wonhee's lips, still caressing her skin to make her feel at ease next to him. He didn't want her to feel disregarded or anxious, not next to him. His thoughts were made for a different moment, not when he was able to share bodily warmth with a person he cares so much about.

"You're so beautiful," he murmured and nibbled on Wonhee's neck all the way to her collarbone. He traced its shape with his tongue and dipped it into the hollow above it before sucking the sensitive skin into his mouth. Whenever he closed his eyes it smelled like he was surrounded by a field of flowers and he couldn't imagine ever wanting to leave it.

Wonhee had allowed him to touch her, but he still didn't know how, not exactly. Hyungwon didn't want to do too much, so he took it slow as his heart hammered in his chest. It felt so good to touch her, to brush his lips over her chest and along the beginning curve of her right breast before closing his lips around her nipple. His left hand joined by tracing her waist and cupping the other breast in his big palm. It felt warm and pleasant and he held his breath for a bit, too nervous about being so close.

"Do you- like touching me?" she asked quietly and he felt the small bud harden under his fingertips.

"A lot," he whispered back and licked the bud with his tongue, hoping that it felt good. "But do you like it? I… would like to make you feel good."

"You make me feel like a needy bitch if that's a sufficient description," Wonhee exhaled before turning the gasp that escaped her curved mouth into a low hum. "I love it but I don't want to go overboard with your niceness. I don't know what you feel like doing, so I'm a bit hesitant."

_What do you feel like doing?_

The question caught him off guard and he looked up, face burning because of their position and the beautiful breast in his hand. He could make out the shape of her nipples in the dark, dark and hardened due to his caresses.

"Whatever you enjoy, Wonhee," he whispered and hoped that she would be able to tell him without him accidentally hurting her.

"Is this a 'who hangs up first' competition? I told you that I don't like penetration, so as long as you don't try to put your fingers or anything else inside my body, we're good. And I guess I shouldn't touch you." Wonhee lay on her back and lifted both arms, curling them around the headboard and licking over her gorgeous lips. "Do you feel safe like this?"

"I-" he murmured and returned his attention to Wonhee's breasts, sucking on them and inhaling her scent. "You can touch me, just… please not there."

_You can't, not yet._

Hyungwon enjoyed Wonhee's hands on him, the way she touched him and how she leaned in to kiss him. All of it was heightening his senses and instead of causing fear it aroused him, but-

_But you still can't._

"Hyungwon, I won't. I'm so fucking terrified of making a mistake, so I won't. I promise. Until you feel safe around me, I'll keep my hands to myself." Smiling briefly, Wonhee curled her spine because he sucked on her nipple and let out a gorgeous moan. "You're so perfect, Hyungwon. So so perfect."

_Why does this feel so strange?_

Wonhee was being considerate towards him, but instead of appreciating it, Hyungwon found himself wondering if there was something wrong after all. She said she enjoyed touching his chest, so shouldn't she take the opportunity? Was it wrong of him to take the opportunity to make her feel good if there are elements of being close she dislikes?

_How are you supposed to tell what she really wants? How can you tell her what you really want?_

Clenching his teeth, he massaged Wonhee's left breast with his hand and brushed the nipple of the right over his lips. He tried to distract himself from his thoughts, focusing on pleasing her the way he always did. It wasn't new to focus as little as possible on his own body, only that Hyungwon had hoped he moved past that after transitioning.

He climbed over Wonhee without her having to bear his weight and slipped his naked thigh between hers, rubbing a little.

When he lifted his gaze he could see Wonhee watching him intently, only sporadically reacting to his simulation as her arms loosened around the headboard and she raised on her elbows.

"That's not it, is it? Then let's do something else. Let's do something that both of us like. I'm not saying that I'll touch you, I won't and I promised, you can be sure, but I feel that this is not right. Let me- let me sit on your lap. Would that be okay for you? But I might- soak your underwear."

_She can tell that you're insecure._

"I don't mind at all," he replied quickly and lay down on his back, making out Wonhee's silhouette in the dark. She looked gorgeous and Hyungwon wished he had a way to express it sufficiently, to let her know that he enjoyed her hands on his body and to be touched. He was only afraid of giving her mental image a visualisation, not yet.

_You're still scared of disappointing her._

Wonhee must have expected that he looked just like her, but he didn't. His body had changed tremendously and there were no pictures like that, no porn like that because it's not what people wanted to see. Hyungwon was worried that it wasn't what Wonhee wanted to see either.

"Please come here," he whispered when Wonhee hadn't moved yet, probably examining his face. His hand was stretched out and adrenaline was rushing through his veins as his brain already tried to interpret what it would mean if she decided not to take his hand.

Instead of calming down, his heart beat even faster when she crawled on top of him and reached for his hand, wrapping her fingers around his wrist and pulling it to her lips. After placing a kiss on each of his fingers, Wonhee led him over her neck and full breasts, gasping when he brushed over her nipples. The gorgeous woman moved her hips over his, probably creating friction for herself and providing him with a bit.

He held his breath because his arousal grew so quickly from seeing her be aroused by his touches, by being so close to him. Even though she couldn't feel anything while sitting on him, Wonhee looked in bliss, moaning when he cupped both of her breasts and caressed her waist.

"You make me breathless," he gasped and couldn't help but shift a little to feel more whenever Wonhee moved. By observing her, Hyungwon was able to see the rhythm she liked, the way she enjoyed to move.

"Can I- can I kiss your chest and stomach?" she asked, biting on her bottom lip and looking so gorgeous with her curvy body and enjoying being close to him.

"Please," he murmured and let his eyes flutter shut, fighting the need to apply pressure to Wonhee's hips to feel more. She looked so beautiful when she was aroused, with her round thighs resting on each side of his hips and the way her breasts moved with each motion.

It didn't take a moment longer after he spoke those words that Wonhee leaned forward and kissed his neck, his chest, sucking on his nipples and teasing them with her tongue, hips still moving on top of his and providing him with a taste of what he could feel if it had been the right angle. "I love your body so much, you're stunning and you- you taste so good, fuck."

He gasped, not because of the way Wonhee's lips felt against his skin, not only. He gasped because he knew that she wanted to touch him, that she asked for it even though she didn't need to in order to feel pleasure herself.

Hyungwon hummed and buried one of his hands in her hair, enjoying the silky texture and the way she reacted to a brief pull on it. He tried it again, very carefully to make sure whether it was a sound of pleasure or pain.

"Please touch me more," he breathed out, sound so close to a whimper that he barely recognised his own voice.

"I want to, so badly. I won't touch anything that's covered by fabric, would that be alright with you?" Wonhee whispered next to his ear, letting him feel her soft breasts and stomach before she lifted her body again, but not quite, nipples still brushing over his skin as she roamed his chest and exhaled hot air against his nipples.

He nodded quickly and let his hands roam over her thighs all the way up to her hips, shifting Wonhee just a little while hoping it wasn't too obvious. Hyungwon didn't want to appear as needy as he felt.

The beautiful woman moaned as soon as he shifted her and used her nails to leave fine lines on his chest, hissing as soon as he pulled at her hair. Those black eyes looked a bit predatory but it was so attractive at the same time, making him feel wanted because Wonhee looked as if he was everything she needed right now.

_Focus on her._

He did his best to respond to the way she moaned and shift her accordingly, stimulating her through friction alone until he let his left hand carefully slip between her legs. Hyungwon used his thumb to rub over the hottest spot and held his breath to not miss Wonhee's reaction.

"Fuck- I- can't I just ride your thigh? I just want to be as close as possible and the friction would be just right, they're so firm." Wonhee sat up and leaned backwards, carefully wrapping her hands around his naked thighs, under the seam of his underwear. "They feel perfect. What do you think? Would you like to lend me your thigh for my personal satisfaction?"

_As if you could say no._

Hyungwon wanted it, but he also didn't know if he would have said no if he didn't. Gasping, he nodded once again, waiting for what Wonhee would do.

_You're going mad._

The black-haired woman kissed him and lay on her side next to him carefully wrapping her arms around his neck and slipping a thigh between his legs, gasping as soon as his own provided enough friction for her. "You feel so good," she whispered, pulling him even closer until he could feel her soft breasts against his chest. "Is this okay?"

He nodded again, not trusting his voice enough to reply as his eyes rolled back from the sudden pleasure that rushed through him. It made him nervous because his immediate thought was how Wonhee would react, but the pure bliss on the round face didn't leave him his doubts for long. "I- I love it so much, Wonhee."

"Mhm, I think this is perfect," she breathed against his lips and rolled her hips, sliding over his thigh and stimulating him with the motion. Wonhee was moaning with a hint of desperation and searching for his lips until she covered them with her own. Her soft body was enveloping him like a cloud and at the same time, her gorgeous moans, the skilful movements of her hips and thighs, made him feel everything at once.

Hyungwon should have been hesitant, careful about getting too close and feeling pleasure, about losing himself in it and therefore becoming vulnerable. And usually he would have, but this wasn't only about him or only about Wonhee. Right that instant, it was something mutual, a way for him to feel pleasure without showing too much of himself while at the same time being able to make Wonhee feel the way he wanted her to feel.

The motions felt too good to speak, too good to say anything beyond the moans that were already betraying him and the fact that he enjoyed the friction more than he had tried to reveal. Wonhee was mesmerizing when she felt pleasure, as sudden in her motions as he was, attempting to increase friction while touching every available bit of naked skin with her hands. Hyungwon couldn't get enough of the way she tasted, of how soft her lips were and how perfectly they fit on top of his own.

Everything around them resembled a fogged over maze, one that contained nothing but the two of them, nothing but Wonhee's black eyes that met his own for a split second before they fluttered shut in utter bliss.

"I'm so so close, but I think I'm getting a cramp, please move, please," Wonhee begged and pulled their bodies flush, trying to move herself but having some difficulties. "Please, Hyungwon."

Hyungwon inhaled sharply and pulled her closer, sliding Wonhee's curvy body over his thigh and thereby also between his legs. It was so much at once, the arousal rushing through him, the sight of Wonhee being so close and desperate for his touch. All of it was addicting and overwhelming at once. Still he did his best to focus on her, to listen to her breaths and know when to move faster and when to slow down. As soon as Wonhee held her breath, he applied more pressure, waiting as the gorgeous woman trembled through her orgasm before relaxing all of her muscles at once.

He did his best to listen to her breaths and ignore his own, ignore how much he wanted to continue moving even though he should have been scared.

"Hyungwon?" Wonhee asked quietly, placing kisses against his neck and collarbones. "Do you like this?"

First he wasn't sure what she meant before the arousal returned full force from the soft thigh moving between his legs, applying a bit of pressure. It felt so good that he gasped out loud, breathing heavily several seconds afterwards even though Wonhee wasn't moving.

_Why do you feel at ease with her? Is it because she wants to touch you?_

Before there had never been hesitation to touch him, but Hyungwon hadn't been himself, so he didn't want anybody to touch him. Now that he felt comfortable in his own skin, his concern was the reaction of the person next to him. But Wonhee-

_The way she looks at you, as if she can't get enough._

He nodded, allowing his eyes to close for a few seconds and prepare for the next motion that followed and shot white spots into his vision. The whole situation made it so much more intense, to have Wonhee in his arms, her lips against his skin, her body flush against him, moving together.

"Would it be okay for me to move like this? Would you like that?" The slim arms tightened around his neck when he didn't say anything for a few seconds. Wonhee's voice sounded so calm even though it seemed a bit as if she was scared to ask too much of him.

_Because she's not scared of touching you. She's scared of hurting you._

Again he nodded and wrapped his arms as tightly around her as he was able to, scared that his mind was playing a trick on him and Wonhee was going to leave any second, change her mind. Maybe it was also the delirium while feeling pleasure, but he lifted her high enough to bury his face in the crook of her neck and kept moaning, dizzy from the way the pleasure turned into the only sensation he felt, the only feeling he yearned for.

Wonhee didn't say anything anymore and he only heard her rapid breaths as she moved with him, probably oversensitive, but still giving her best to make him feel good, kiss him and make him drown in pleasure. When the thought of stopping became unbearable and Hyungwon's whole body burned up, he reached for Wonhee's face and clashed their mouths together, burying the sound that left him like a secret between their lips. He trembled through the dots of white in his vision, the brief numbness in his legs, the remaining burning in his lower body. All of it was intense and he couldn't believe that Wonhee stayed through all of it, that even now she remained in his arms, sharing the same air.

"Wonhee, I-" he began, voice rough, but he didn't finish because he didn't know what to say.

"Mhm. You are so damn beautiful. An actual angel," she whispered against his lips and kissed him again, warm fingers stroking over his naked shoulders and back. "How can I not be in love with you?"

Hyungwon's eyes widened as he realised this was the first time Wonhee had talked about her own feelings explicitly after his confession. It was the first time she did and…

_And after she was close to you._

It felt surreal, like a joke that somebody was playing on him and any second somebody was going to jump out of the dark and laugh at him actually believing that there could be a person that wants to be close to him, that loves him.

"I'm-" he tried, but as if to send the wrong message all over again his eyes burned and he barely got a word out, getting emotional seconds after reaching utter bliss. "I just can't believe it and- I'm just so happy. Shit."

"I can't believe that you're next to me, not blaming me and being close despite your anxiety and my previous mistakes. Thank you so much for staying. You don't need to do anything special, just- just stay. If you like." Wonhee placed a soft kiss on his lips when her breaths got more regular and lay in his arms like that without trying to run away or get dressed, without expecting him to say or do something, in general just accepting him in her embrace and not expecting him to be anything apart from himself.

_

Light steps, rays of sunlight that reflected off his white clothes and a list of ideas in his head.

_You're so happy._

Having a person to think about and have feelings for seemed to be an additional layer of protection Hyungwon hadn't been aware of before. A thick layer was covering his skin and making it shine in a pretty golden tone.

_It's almost as if those rotten eggs cannot stick._

There was a smile on his face as he made his way through Munich's inner city with a few new orders for his designing job. Even though he had gotten scolded by the owner of the boutique for making too many dresses with floral motifs, Hyungwon felt excited and kept checking his phone like a maniac, hoping to see another message from Wonhee.

_She must be just as nervous to write as you are._

He had several things he had wanted to share. The new dress he planned on making, how he wanted to mould it to Wonhee's body instead of the mannequin for once and that he hoped she would be willing to model it for him. He also wanted to invite her for another coffee and simply listen to her tell him about her day while holding his hand. There were a lot of thoughts like that, no matter whether he walked past a cafe or was simply sitting at home and thinking about her.

_She made you feel at ease and now you cannot think about anything or anybody else._

Hyungwon stopped at a traffic light and observed the people on the other side. There was a family with a trolley, talking to the child inside. There were two boys showing each other something on their phone. A girl was leaning against the traffic light and staring the one on the other side down to finally turn green. He also looked at the kiosk a few meters further, at the employee who looked like he was bored out of his mind while reading the newspaper.

_Huh?_

Usually Hyungwon would have switched his attention to somebody else immediately, maybe even checked his phone again for a message from Wonhee. However, the round face with painted lips and round black eyes caught his attention. The kiosk was several meters away, but still he could recognise Wonhee on the front cover.

_What happened?_

His first reaction was to pull out his phone and search for Wonhee's name, switching the results to news and scrolling through the various headlines. Most of them had a picture of Wonhee attached. She looked gorgeous and expensive as usual in a tight dress and her makeup was done beautifully. The heels told him that she must have been at an event.

_Alone?_

Of course their deal had ended after the planned month and Wonhee didn't need to take him along, but it still felt strange to see her alone in the official pictures after seeing his face everywhere before that.

_She probably doesn't know that you cannot be hired anyway because people know your face now._

It was okay. Hyungwon was able to get by with the money he had made through the pretend game, but still it hurt a little to see Wonhee on her own. He didn't know the reason, but it had felt more real when there was always him next to her.

_What if she had to deal with Mark again?_

A sensation of dread instead filled out his insides as he remembered how devastated Wonhee had been, how helpless she felt about her situation.

_Why would she suffer through seeing him again without somebody next to her, without a reason to seem occupied? Before she even hired a stranger for that._

Hyungwon didn't have an answer to that and hoped to find one in the news. He had only focused on the pictures and finally read through the headlines, eyes widening with each new one that he read.

'Just a flirt? Lee daughter seen alone at company event' the first one read and Hyungwon swallowed, instantly aware that he was the flirt. They assumed that Wonhee had only been toying with him before moving on and attending the event without him.

_Maybe she didn't want to bother you? She was so apologetic last time._

Hyungwon tried to calm his thoughts, but the excuse didn't work, not when Wonhee had even taken him along when she was upset with him and didn't want to see his face.

_It was a conscious decision not to take you. But why?_

He scrolled down to read the next headline. 'Sudden breakup. Car empire heiress single again?' it read. All of them were variations of the same statement. Wonhee had left him and therefore decided to stop wasting her time on him as somebody the journalists didn't know and somebody with no monetary value whatsoever.

_Is there even any value at all?_

A glance up revealed that the traffic light was still red, but the people across had changed. It was an elderly man that seemed to be waiting patiently and a guy his age with a cigarette who stared at his phone and glanced up occasionally. Hyungwon couldn't help but wonder how he must have looked to others. He was wearing ripped jeans again, a pair that he covered with colourful patches that were left from other projects of his. His shirt was colourful too, created from two dresses he discarded because the boutique owner didn't like them.

_Are they staring at you?_

The longer he observed the elderly man and the boy, the more he felt like they weren't looking at the traffic light at all, but at him standing under it. Him standing there and being everything but what they were used to.

_She must have felt the same about taking you to the event._

The realization was so obvious suddenly. So obvious that Hyungwon didn't understand why he had been wondering before. He didn't doubt Wonhee's feelings for him, not at all and especially not after what they had shared the last time they were together. Hyungwon had even stayed longer than he ever had, holding her close to his chest and kissing softly.

_She might love you, but she knows that nobody else does._

Wonhee didn't detest him as the people across from him did. But she was embarrassed. By being seen next to him.

_Of course._

Hyungwon dressed unusually and maybe she even considered him unpredictable. The people at the event were important and talked about money, so what if they were going to see that he was different? What if they recognised him for who he really was and therefore made Wonhee suffer the consequences?

_But can you really blame her?_

Hyungwon couldn't. He stared at the headlines as another traffic light phase passed him by and once again realised that he couldn't just live in his bubble and pretend that everything was alright. Maybe it was when the two of them were together, when Wonhee's front door was tightly shut and nobody could touch them.

But like this, out in the open the two of them were exactly what society saw them as.

Wonhee was the heiress to a car empire and he was just a flirt. The man she didn't feel confident enough to take along because society was of the opinion that he wasn't one.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 10

Loneliness felt even more real now that she had gotten a taste, felt it tingle on her lips when she thought about what it would be like to not be alone anymore, to have him next to her. But that wasn’t the only feeling she had to deal with. In addition, there was a certain lack of tolerance she hadn’t been aware of. That lack of tolerance concerned the company event she had attended, the people who asked her meaningless things, the reporters who took way more pictures than she was used to, almost blinding her with their flashes and forcing her to take a break of a few minutes that she sat on the toilet with her eyes closed to get rid of the headache.

But there was more. So much more. She couldn’t handle Mark thinking he needed to talk to her because she stood alone in the farthest corner, drinking one champagne after another and most of all she hated that she needed to do this, to sacrifice her comfort to be without Hyungwon, to feel like shit again, just like before. She hated being looked at and reminded of all those things that she wasn’t. But there was a decision she made, a conscious one this time.

_You need to do it to protect him from all this._

Listening to Mark's voice and feeling helpless only worked out because she thought about what happened later that day, how Hyungwon held her, how he told her that he loved her and how she let her own feelings slip from the tip of her tongue because it was too true and unbearable to keep it for herself. She was loved, she was respected and cared for and there was nothing she should’ve been scared of, so she tried her best to live through this alone. It must’ve been worth it, the sacrifice was worth it because there was exactly one thing that she was scared of, more than anything else.

_You can’t hurt him and you can’t lose him. You can’t._

She couldn’t, so there wasn’t much left for her to do apart from pressing her lips together that was mistakenly perceived as very cute and shy by people she wasn’t familiar with. Her parents were content too, thinking that Hyungwon had only been a flirt, and continued cheerfully talking to her about money, shares, about business models and making jokes with the piece of trash who stood too close, was too daring, and who had touched her against her will more than once. The trash human who felt superior because he knew that she had to act in front of them and because she didn’t have Hyungwon.

_Because your opinion and your needs are apparently worthless without having a man by your side to back them up._

It wasn’t new or anything, but the difference hit hard after experiencing what it could be like with Hyungwon. After feeling happy, content and okay about herself, her appearance, her actions and how she wanted to live, after all that, being confronted with the reality she was born into, the expectations that never disappeared, all of it hit hard and she felt tipsy and lonely when she managed to escape the whole thing, sit in the leather seats alone, thinking about Hyungwon’s forest voice, how he held her hand and how he looked at her as if she really mattered.

_Why would you need all this shit when all it does is make you unhappy? Is it really necessary?_

When they turned around the corner and she saw Mark’s car that he had gotten from her dad, she asked the driver to stop and opened the door to walk towards the shiny vehicle, smiling brightly. Her head was mostly empty when she took off her Opyum sandal, grabbing the heel properly with her right hand and used the golden ‘S’ to scratch the word ‘rapist’ into the black gloss paint right under the driver’s window. After looking at those messily scribbled letters, she smiled and added an exclamation mark.

_Looks about right._

When she walked back and sat in the backseat, she met the widened eyes of the driver who didn’t say a single thing because he was trained to only report to her father, and she somehow hoped that the said father would get that report and ask why she did that.

_But you know that he won’t ask and he won’t care. He’ll just act as if it never happened. Like with the nunnery._

Chuckling to herself, she put the sandal back on as soon as they arrived at her apartment building and left the vehicle without saying a single word, simply taking the elevator into the seventh floor, opening the door to her apartment and leaving those shoes next to the garbage can. It was so quiet and she felt the need to throw something just to feel that it wasn’t empty, that she wasn’t completely alone, but she was.

Wonhee was alone in that gigantic apartment that didn’t contain anything that was hers apart from baking supplies. Her living space was similar to her wardrobe, full of make believe, full of lies and the desperate attempt to fix something with money that couldn’t be fixed. She couldn’t be fixed. She was a mistake in that illogical society that she accepted due to lack of alternatives but now it felt like there was an alternative, didn’t it?

There was a person who treated her like a human despite his own painful and straining past and present, who loved and respected her, who said that she was beautiful and just the way she was supposed to be, so why did she have to do all this, why?

“Why?” she asked into nothingness and the lack of a single sound, the complete silence made the question just as obsolete as her efforts to act like somebody she could never become, but it also made her realise something, namely that this empty loneliness had been the only reality that seemed accessible at any time at any given place like a home away from home.

_

“Did you break up?” Yeojoo’s voice was echoing through the speaker that she turned on, feeling unable to lift the phone against her ear as she stared at the white ceiling.

“What? What do you mean?” she murmured, glancing at her makeup table that was still covered in her clothes from when Hyungwon was here last time. She refused to get rid of the memories. “Why break up?”

“Well, it’s all over the news because the Lee-daughter was alone at the company event, so they assume you broke up. I wanted to make sure and ask how he is feeling. I hope- I hope he’s okay.”

_Oh no._

Why couldn’t she have one day where she was allowed to just do nothing and stare at the ceiling contemplating her life choices instead of cleaning up the mess that she herself created? “I never broke up with him and I hope he didn’t break up with me either, I love him, I’m never going to break up. I just- I just wanted to spare him the attention because mom and dad were being extremely intrusive and I didn’t want to put him through that…” Exhaling sharply, she imagined Hyungwon reading all those articles about a breakup he wasn’t informed of. “Fuck, he must think that I lied and broke up with him or I don’t know. I hate those assholes, why can’t they leave me alone?”

“Because you have money and people want to know how you live. Write to him that it’s bullshit then. I still don’t think it’s a good idea because they’ll never accept and imagine how he will feel about it… ah, I really hate this, Wonhee. I’m coming back from London next week, let’s drink a coffee then, okay?”

Wonhee nodded and realized that her friend couldn't hear her but she didn’t bother as all her thoughts just circled around Hyungwon and how he must be feeling right now.

“There was no report about car vandalism?” she asked, licking her lips and lifting on her elbows. What time was it even?

“What? What car vandalism? Did you sleep? It’s in the middle of the day. I think you should get into a routine, this won’t do, Wonhee. I have to get back, take care and keep me updated.” Yeojoo kissed the phone and hung up, leaving her in complete silence once again.

Of course there was no report about car vandalism but some speculations about her relationship status that probably hurt the person that she cherished most.

Taking her phone, Wonhee typed: ‘Are you free today? Can I come over?’ and felt the anxiety crawling up. What if he was hurt and didn’t want to talk to her? What if he was sick of this whole high society bullshit and just wanted to be left alone, like Yeojoo said?

Instead of confirming her worst suspicions, her phone vibrated with a message. 'I'll be free in about an hour, have to finish something. I'd really like to have you here.'

_He'd really like to have you there._

Wonhee inhaled deeply, feeling at ease that he still wanted to see her, that maybe he hadn't read all those terrible articles calling him a flirt and a quick distraction that she looked up after Yeojoo's call.

_When will people stop being assholes towards others?_

She took a long shower and wore a yellow dress with black flowers, hoping that Hyungwon would like it before leaving the apartment without anything tasty for the first time.

_You should've at least made cookies or something._

This time she took her own car, parking around the block and walking for about ten minutes before she arrived at the entrance that was open, running up the stairs and eyeing the neighbour's door. She wasn't in the mood to tolerate bullshit today, but nobody came out.

Feeling a bit naked without any pastries in her hands, she rang the bell.

Hyungwon didn't wait long to open the door for her, instantly meeting her gaze and examining her face for a little longer than usual. He was wearing an oversized shirt and a pair of shorts, long legs on display.

"Come in," he murmured and stepped aside. "I used the time to make some space. And tea."

She didn't say anything, wondering if something was wrong after all and noticed as Hyungwon stepped further into the small space that was indeed more structured this time and surely less messy compared to her bedroom.

"I didn't manage to bake anything," she muttered, feeling even worse because he made tea and she could've said that she brought something for the tea but she didn't. Hyungwon didn't kiss or hug her either and she suddenly felt cold standing there after taking off her shoes.

_What if you made a mistake?_

"You didn't have to. Some news cannot be sweetened by cookies." Hyungwon smiled but it looked a little off as he quickly filled two cups and sat down on his mattress, patting the space next to himself. "Hit me with the news. I'm not sure I'm ready, but it'll only get worse with time."

_What?_

She didn't understand anything, nothing at all, standing there like a complete idiot and anxiety crippling up her throat and making it hard to breathe.

_You made a mistake and broke something, haven't you? Fuck._

Her body was faster than she made any kind of conclusion or decided on a course of action, simply kneeling in front of Hyungwon and reaching for his free hand, scared that he would pull it away as her eyes filled with tears so quickly that she couldn't prevent it. "I- I'm so sorry that I hurt you, I- I don't know exactly what I did, but I can't lose you, Hyungwon, I'm going to die, please."

Hyungwon's eyes widened, but he didn't pull his hand away. There were no words at first, only his big eyes that roamed over her features as if trying to understand the situation.

"So… you didn't come here to leave me?" Hyungwon murmured before chuckling suddenly and ruffling up his hair. "Now I feel stupid for thinking it. It just made so much sense, Wonhee. With the articles and no messages and all. The first thing was you wanting to meet, so it just screamed deja vu at me."

"Why- why would I leave you? I can't leave you, you're the only person who can make me happy among all this, God, I missed you so much yesterday and I only didn't write because I would've sobbed about how miserable I am, why would you want to hear it? Shit, the adrenaline is no joke, I'm dying," she whispered and inhaled, holding her breath to stop crying and lying on the mattress next to Hyungwon's hips, rolled up and still holding his hand. "Yeojoo told me about the articles and I hoped that you didn't see them, but you did and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that they keep writing this shit. I wish all of it didn't exist. The company, the events, the shares, the media writing about it, just me and you."

"Mmh," Hyungwon hummed and it didn't make her feel better even though his hands reached out for her and stroked over her back, drawing circles. "But they do and I understand that you decided not to take me along. You don't need to hesitate to share with me though, no matter if it is something good or bad. Most of the things I tell you are depressing and if I couldn't, there'd probably be nothing to say. I'd have loved to be there for you. Today- when I saw the articles I was so upset because I knew that you must have met him again and I hate to think of what he might have said to you."

"How could I take you to a place full of people that can only hurt others? I don't want to hurt you and being with me shouldn't make you sad and unhappy. I want to make you happy and make you feel good and loved and everything good in this world as long as I'm capable of it, so I'm trying to keep the part about my life that forces me to be around terrible people as far away from you as possible but look how they still managed to make you think that I don't want you. They don't deserve you. I don't either, but I want you so much that I can't give you up, no matter what." She calmed down sufficiently to stop crying and sat up, looking at Hyungwon to understand what he might have been thinking. He was so damn beautiful.

_It really seems like you want to keep this no matter what happens._

"A happy bubble, huh?" Hyungwon asked and smiled briefly before taking a sip of his tea and gesturing for her to do the same. "If there was a place where people made me miserable all the time and you couldn't keep me from going there, what would you do, Wonhee?"

"I would insist on coming with you," she murmured, taking her tea and taking a sip because Hyungwon had been telling her to drink more and hydrate.

"Mmh," Hyungwon hummed again and observed her, fingers still dancing over her back and feeling so warm through her dress. "But I understand, I really do."

"Do you though? What do you understand? Tell me about it. I feel like you have your own thoughts that you don't want to share and it's making me nervous and anxious because I'm feeling like there's something wrong." She placed her tea cup away from her feet and slightly turned to see his face better, see what was going on inside his head.

Hyungwon chewed on his cheek and glanced at the contents of his cup, staring so intently that one might have thought there was a whole parade going on there. He hesitated to speak and that was even more reason to hear it.

"I… I know how others react to me, Wonhee. I see it all the time, even before transitioning. I understand that-" Hyungwon took a deep breath and smiled. "I understand that it can be hard to deal with the way people stare and judge."

_He thinks you're uncomfortable?_

It shocked her to hear that he would think she avoided the discomfort when it was the other way around. She took the discomfort to spare him, but maybe it hurt more.

"Do you… think that I'm uncomfortable going with you?" she asked and shifted closer, swallowing in disbelief that her actions might have created those thoughts in Hyungwon’s mind.

"I mean-" Hyungwon shrugged and focused on his tea again. "I saw you talk to that guy at D&D, but that's somebody random. It's harder if it's people that have influence, people that matter somehow. I don't expect you to fight your way through that and you don't have to. I just don't want you to be miserable."

"I didn't take you along because my parents were being intrusive and I didn't want you to feel uncomfortable. Mark was there too and I didn't want him to say any shitty comments about the way you look. That's it, Hyungwon. I felt like shit and I hated everything because you weren't there and I went to his car and scratched 'rapist' with my heel into the driver’s door because I was feeling so sick after listening to his bullshit and I felt so fucking lonely when I came home. I know that you don't expect things from me and that's why I don't want to hurt you no matter what. Am I being stupid? Am I doing weird things, tell me? Yeojoo said I should leave you alone too but I can't so I'm trying to minimise the damage from you having to deal with my manipulative family." The tea was taking away her attention, so she took the cup from Hyungwon's hands and put it on the floor before lifting her dress and climbing on top of his lap. "You're so much better than all of them, Hyungwon. I- do you have time tomorrow evening?"

_This will be no joke though._

The gorgeous man was obviously surprised by her boldness and nodded before wrapping his arms around her waist. Wonhee could feel his fingers tracing patterns at her sides.

"You must have felt so helpless," he whispered eventually and pulled her closer, cheek brushing against hers. "I'm so sorry that you suffered through it alone. You really don't have to, not for me. I always have time for you, Wonhee. I'll make it, I just- don't want you to be embarrassed because of me. Because of the way I am. I'm not sure you can anticipate it."

"I'm not embarrassed. I've never been embarrassed of you, Hyungwon. What is there to anticipate? People being assholes? Nothing new about that. Tomorrow is- there's a thing, once every year, a very official kind of event with a lot of media attention. The yearly shareholders meeting of the company and I have to go because I'm one of the main shareholders and if I take you along it's pretty… pretty serious for the media attention because they think that the partner is important enough to be involved in company matters so it's a stable serious relationship and also reflects the possible dynamic of the business development. My parents will go nuts and it will have many consequences, but I'd love to take you along if you are willing to come."

_You're crazy. There will be so much gossip and aftermath._

"You-" Hyungwon swallowed and Wonhee hated how insecure he looked, how careful even though he was the person she wanted to have next to get the most and not all those people she couldn't care less about. "Everything you said just now sounds like you shouldn't be taking me along, so why…?"

"Because… I love you. I love you and you're more important than all those things, I'm just scared to hurt you with it as usual, but if I'm hurting you by trying to protect you, then I'd rather have you close to me at all times if it's somehow possible." Wonhee smiled and cupped his face with both palms, leaning in to place a soft kiss on his plump mouth.

Hyungwon blushed, even though they had kissed countless times before. A smile was tugging at the corners of his mouth and it was so beautiful that Wonhee wanted to do everything to make it stay.

"I'd… really love to be next to you, Wonhee," he whispered and repeated her gestures by being the one to kiss her this time. "I'll be there if you really don't mind."

"I'm scared because I don't want to hurt you, but if you want to be next to me, we will do this and I'll be proud to have you next to me. The proudest I've ever been." She was a bit too enthusiastic and made Hyungwon fall back, landing on top of him and immediately catching his lips. "I was so scared that I made a mistake again and you didn't want me anymore. I love you so much, Hyungwon. I can't be without you."

"I love you too, Wonhee." Hyungwon laughed and brushed through her hair with long fingers, twirling a strand into a lock. "I cannot imagine not wanting you. I've been thinking about you so much, that I got scolded for only making floral dresses. Do you think you could… model something for me? It needs to be created with your body in mind and I might go mad if I don't make it."

_You need to go to that shop and buy some of the clothes he makes. They're gorgeous._

Hyungwon traced her neck and back until his eyes suddenly widened and he cursed. "It's tomorrow. What am I supposed to wear, Wonhee? I don't want to make you look bad."

"I would love to model for you with my hourglass body, and you can wear a suit. If you really- if there's a problem and you can't manage we can go and get you one at a shop tomorrow. After I didn't spend a single scent in this relationship despite being disgustingly rich, I should at least get you a suit." Smiling briefly, she stroked over his long hair. "But you can wear anything you like."

"You really don't have to, I-" Hyungwon seemed thoughtful and Wonhee loved how the thoughts seemed to race over his features as he must have contemplated options. "I'll just adjust something I have and make it fit to what you're going to wear. You just need to tell me the colour scheme."

"You're a genius," she whispered, burning with the wish to wear something that he made because it made her feel proud.

"No, I'm just poor," Hyungwon replied and laughed before turning so that she fell on the bed next to him and their legs ended up tangled. He leaned in so closely that their noses touched. "I love your dress, Wonhee. You look like the sun and smell like a sunflower."

_Did you say something wrong?_

"I'm sorry if my comment made you uncomfortable, I didn't mean to." Lifting on her elbow, Wonhee let her gaze travel over Hyungwon's features, observing his gorgeous full lips and big eyes, his round nose and round chin. He really looked like an angel. Too good for her. Too good but still she wanted him. "You are so beautiful, sometimes I'm still shaken how you ended up agreeing to be with me."

Hyungwon shook his head and Wonhee felt so elated that the smile remained on his lips. "You didn't make me uncomfortable. That's just how it is and I don't mind it too much. I get by and do things that I enjoy, so there isn't much more I could ask for. Apart from you, because I happen to want you very much."

The black-haired man glanced to the side, looking a little shy, before sitting up and taking her along. "I'm really glad that you came and that you didn't want to break up with me. If… you're really not ashamed to be seen with me, does that also mean I can invite you for a coffee again?"

"Coffee sounds good, but I'm definitely going to pay this time and could I maybe get a kiss first?" She licked over her lips and must've been so obviously staring at Hyungwon's mouth that it looked ridiculous.

Hyungwon didn't reply and merely curled an arm around her waist to pull her closer before his plump mouth covered her own. He was hesitant at first even though they had kissed countless times at this point. When a tongue carefully brushed over her bottom lip, Wonhee realised that Hyungwon must have decided to explore without letting her take the lead the way he usually did.

Her skin tingled from the sensation and she let out a hum because she liked it so much, letting Hyungwon pull her closer and curling her arms around his neck and into his long hair. Wonhee carefully pulled at it, enjoying his touch that she was craving for and almost melted into the embrace, hoping that he would do more.

Hyungwon gasped, lips parting automatically as soon as she tugged at the long strands and muscles flexing below her fingertips. He was so lean and Wonhee loved the way it felt, how different it was compared to her own body.

Hands carefully roamed over her back and sides, applied a little bit of pressure to pull her closer and flush against Hyungwon's chest. He became breathless so quickly, exhaling roughly into her mouth as their kiss deepened.

She didn't want it to stop, ever, rolling her hips on top of his thighs to be even closer, making her dress ride up and uncovering her curvy thighs. She let Hyungwon do whatever he liked because she liked it all and wanted more, everything he wanted to give her.

"W-Wonhee," Hyungwon mumbled when his hands slipped lower and brushed over her uncovered legs, pausing right below her slip on her hip bone. "You only wanted a kiss and I'm- oh fuck."

"Honestly? I want all that you're up to, I feel completely breathless because I want you so much. I'm so sorry, I'll learn how not to be horny if you show me," she muttered and shifted even closer, curling her fingers around Hyungwon's slim wrist and moving it over the curve of her hips, gasping with her eyes rolling back. She was hopeless, imagining him naked, licking over his gorgeous chest and stomach, carefully leaving marks on his thighs and maybe someday be allowed to kiss him between his legs, if he liked it.

"I- I wasn't thinking anything, I just-" He swallowed, visibly affected by her words and actions and Wonhee felt his fingers carefully slip under the edge of her slip, but enough to rub over her hip bone properly and let fingers dance along her thigh. "I just want to be close."

Again, she let her eyes flutter shut and fell forward, sucking the skin of Hyungwon's warm neck into her mouth before nibbling on it desperately. "Then be close to me. To be honest, I feel so insecure when we meet and you don't hug or kiss me and I feel like you don't want to, which is okay, but I feel insecure about it and it makes me think that I made a mistake, or that I'm not desirable, or that you just don't want to see me, I don't know. But if you touch me and kiss me like this it feels like I'm burning and that's just the way it's supposed to be because I dream of you and I always want you."

Hyungwon hummed and trembled briefly as soon as her lips began to cover his neck in kisses. "I'm just scared that I won't be able to give you the space you need. I want to kiss you and touch you all the time, but what if I become too much?"

He gasped beautifully and tugged at her dress to lift it a little higher, enough to uncover her stomach that he stroked over before caressing each rib separately with his fingertips.

"You're a bit foolish, aren't you? I would tell you if I need space or do I seem to have problems with that? Is that- is that because I let him kiss me? Do I seem as if I can't open my mouth?" Wonhee felt that her rapid heartbeat suddenly seemed concerning and a sign of something else, something that was supposed to make her anxious. "I guess… it can appear that way, but- fuck, I can't handle that you might think that I wouldn't tell you if it's too much because of what happened with him. You're not like him. I- I always want to be close to you, closer than you might even imagine and I- I love you."

_You're just stupid. Of course he thinks you aren't able to tell him off when you let that piece of trash do that to you._

"No, oh no that's not what I mean at all!" Hyungwon's eyes widened and he covered her face in kisses as if he was scared that if he didn't act immediately she would stand up and leave. "It's because of me, because I want to be close but at the same time I keep telling you to wait. I don't want to hurt you by constantly playing push and pull, Wonhee."

_Huh?_

"But I do understand it. To be honest, I understand it so well because it's similar to me. I'm aroused by you so easily and I want to be close but at the same time there's always this thought, what if I can't give him what he likes because my body is fucked up and I don't enjoy the usual stuff? What if he will be thrown off by that? But thinking it doesn't make me less aroused and I still want to be close and still… want to touch and kiss you. Does it make sense? I'd rather have you close all the time and wait for an eternity for you to open up and get used to me instead of looking at you from a distance and hoping that you someday decide to risk it. Because I'd rather get hurt than miss how it feels to be with you."

Hyungwon examined her intently and Wonhee could tell that he was thinking, that he reflected on her words while his hands were quicker and already resumed roaming her back.

"You're right," he whispered and pressed a kiss to her mouth. "You're absolutely right. I'm just not used to being next to somebody who seems so accepting. It must be the same for you. You don't need to worry about not giving me what I like because I'll still have to explore that with you. I- don't really know yet."

Hyungwon looked so shy, face burning as he kissed her lips, then her jaw and finally her neck.

_But didn't he say that he had some experiences? Or is it different now?_

"It must feel different now, right? Did you like what we did last time? When I undressed and we had our legs intertwined?" Wonhee blushed a little because it was one thing to get naked and get it on in complete darkness, or watch those big hands on her thighs in broad daylight, talking about being so fucking needy that she begged for his touch.

_Not that you're doing better right now. It must be systematic._

"Y-yeah, I liked it a lot," Hyungwon stuttered and kept covering her neck and shoulders in kisses before hesitantly adding another one right where her dress began. "My body changed a lot after… taking hormones, so touch feels a little different too. The rest of my body isn't as sensitive as… yeah."

"I hope it isn't offensive to say it, and please tell me if it is, but I loved your reaction and how you moved with me. It was- super hot. I get wet thinking about it."

"It's not offensive at all," Hyungwon murmured and smiled a little against her skin. "I'm just shy and don't really know what to say in these situations. It felt… really good. I still can't believe that you were fine with… touching me like that."

"I would touch you in any way you like as soon as you're ready because I love your reactions, I love your sounds and I love you. In addition, I'm addicted to seeing you with so much bliss on your face. Hyungwon. I'm so hooked on you and I'm this close to just begging you to touch me more," she whispered, using her thumb and index finger to show how close she was to just being needy again.

"You don't need to beg me at all," Hyungwon whispered back and used his tongue to lick over her collarbones before looking up. The blush on his face made him look ethereal and she couldn't get enough. "Would you like me to… undress you?"

"I'm a bit shy about the amount of light in your room, but why hide the truth longer than necessary, right?" She grinned to hide the fact that she was nervous and simply turned around on his lap, straddling him with her hands curled around his naked thighs to hold on and giving him perfect access to the zipper on the back. "Unwrap me."

_Let's hide the shyness about showing yourself to the person you love by overdoing it with fake confidence._

"I-" Hyungwon started but must have decided to not to speak as he hummed lowly instead and stroked over the skin above her zipper. Goose bumps covered her whole body and Wonhee held her breath as the familiar sound of her zipper sliding down her back sounded in the room. It felt different in broad daylight, with Hyungwon's full sized windows illuminating the room and making her see every single uneven part of her body, a hint of blue on her legs where she ran against the bottom of her bed.

"You're beautiful," Hyungwon murmured as if he was able to read her thoughts and pressed a kiss to the spot where she knew her Azaleas began. "Can I… trace them with my tongue?"

"Mhm. I really want to feel you," she whispered, letting her insecurities talk for once, sharing that she felt vulnerable and needed his touch.

Hyungwon hummed, but against her skin this time. The sound was low and the vibrations travelled all the way down her body, building in her middle. She felt the tip of his tongue beginning where the blossoms were, tracing each of them before travelling lower. Hyungwon licked over the stems and leaves, nibbling on the skin when he was able to. The lower he travelled the more sounds of the zipper sounded through the room, accompanied by wet kisses.

"You-" Hyungwon whispered and kissed along her lower back. "I like you so much, Wonhee. Everything about you."

She let out a desperate moan, but a quiet one because she felt so vulnerable and at the same time appreciated. Her fingers held onto Hyungwon's thighs, leaving marks and scratching along them to the seam of his shorts. "You keep calling me a flower and I keep thinking that you're the only one that I wish would pick me."

"Shouldn't I be treasuring you and helping you grow instead?" Hyungwon's voice was low and even though the room was bright and must have shown him everything there was of her, he didn't stop covering her body in kisses. The fabric of her dress slipped lower, pooling at her hips while Hyungwon's fingers stroked over her sides to accompany the caresses of his lips. When he wasn't able to kiss any further because she sat on top of his thighs, he returned to her neck and nibbled on it.

"Can I?" he asked and lifted the yellow fabric just above her hips without pulling it over her head yet. Hyungwon was so careful about everything he did, asking whenever he wanted to take the next step and Wonhee struggled to differentiate between being cared for and not being attractive enough.

"If you would like to, yes," she commented in reply. She could have made some sarcastic comment but it was too intimate, too true somehow, so she didn't. She didn't want to cover anything in the usual black and white of her previous encounters, she wanted to see his colours, see what Hyungwon was like and what he liked about her.

She wanted to know everything there was to know about him so she could love every single detail.

***

Hyungwon's hands were shaking and he could barely breathe. Each kiss that he covered Wonhee's gorgeous body in resembled a flame that was almost hot enough to burn.

Still, he loved every single touch, every shift towards him, every gasp because his hands were colder than Wonhee's back and sides.

_She really is a flower. Too beautiful to pick._

Hyungwon wanted to treasure her, to show much it meant to him to be close like this, to kiss and touch, to share their thoughts and fears.

_You trust her so much and she trusts you. You can tell that she's nervous, but still she trusts you._

It was in the middle of the day, sunlight beaming in through the big window. There was no way to hide, to conceal their faces and pretend that being close like this didn't mean anything. Hyungwon was able to see the goose bumps that covered Wonhee's arms, her hands that held onto his thighs and slipped under the fabric of his shorts. He could feel it all and he knew that it was meaningful, that it wasn't just an attempt to reach pleasure through him.

_She wants to be close because it's you, because she enjoys being next to you._

He could barely form a coherent thought, not while knowing that Wonhee trusted him and wanted to be next to him even though he was different. His hands grasped the yellow fabric that pooled at Wonhee's hips and pulled it over her head as soon as she gave him permission.

The sight spread warmth through his body and he swallowed the urge to see even more skin than that. Instead he caressed Wonhee's back with kisses the way he had before and used his hands to stroke over her lower back, her slip and her thighs. Hyungwon wanted to listen to her moans again, to be as close as they were before, but Wonhee was right. It felt different during the day, more real.

_And you don't know if you can show yourself in the bright light, confront her with the way you look undressed._

"Would you… like to lie down?" he asked hesitantly and kissed the clasp of her strapless bra. There were so many thoughts in his head, ways that he could make Wonhee feel good and see how much he loved everything about her. His hands trembled all over again, just thinking about it and he placed them flat on top of Wonhee's thighs.

“Mhm, but I want it to be for us both. I want to have something that both of us want, Hyungwon and if it’s just me- then I don’t want it. I’m fine with small things, with little touches if that’s what you feel like doing, I want to have something that we share. It makes me feel- it makes me feel so good,” Wonhee whispered and slipped from his thighs, lying on his bed and looking absolutely gorgeous in her white lace underwear, showing the pale skin and the goose bumps that covered it, making her nipples lift the see-through fabric of her bra and black locks spreading over his pillow and looking a bit brownish with the sunrays that danced over them.

_She doesn't want this to be only about her._

He swallowed because it seemed only right to cover Wonhee in kisses and make her feel good, to forget about himself and the arousal that was growing so rapidly he could barely focus. Hyungwon had been with people who wanted to make him feel good too before, but it was still different. It seemed to be a rule that touching had to be mutual, that touching increased arousal and therefore he had to let himself be touched.

_But it's different with her and you like your body now. You like it the way it is and maybe… maybe she likes it too._

Hyungwon was scared of the alternative, but still he nodded and carefully slipped a thigh between Wonhee's legs, suddenly aware how warm it was because his shorts ended halfway to his knees.

"I'm so scared that you won't like touching me. There are those thoughts- even voicing them makes my throat clog up." He thought about ways to express it, to let Wonhee know why he was so hesitant about letting her touch him. It wasn't only because of his experiences, since most of those had been before his body changed. Mostly it was the uncertainty that came along with what Wonhee enjoyed. "You… you've only been with men and never with a woman. I'm not a woman, but at the same time-"

_You might seem like one._

He swallowed again, holding his breath because the thought made him so uncomfortable. It was what he was fighting for others to acknowledge, so why did he need to have the right parts to be who he really was since birth?

“I’ve never been with a woman, but you aren’t a woman. The thing is- if you have some similarities with how I look, you still are a man and I still am attracted to you. Isn’t it weird that genitals have to determine it all, even if it’s not about that at all? I mean, you have arms and fingers too, and a nose, so what if you don’t have a dick? I don’t have one either and you’ve been with men before, so… should I feel self-conscious about that? I just- the reason for loving you has absolutely nothing to do with your genitals, Hyungwon. It has to do with you and… and the way you look, that’s just a fact to me, a natural thing that I have to accept? Like you accept that I’m not slim and slender but round and soft, that I have a round face and freckles if I don’t cover them up. I just make myself believe that you still find me attractive even though I am not perfect at all. Am I foolish for doing that?” Wonhee lifted her arms and stroked over his, lifting a bit of his t-shirt to be able to touch more.

"Not at all," he replied and couldn't grasp how Wonhee was able to think differently than everybody around him did. Hyungwon was the one experiencing his own thoughts and discomfort in his body, so it was easier to accept him for who he was, even knowing how he looked. But Wonhee had never dealt with anybody like him before, so why was she able to simply-

_To simply accept you the way you are?_

"You make it sound so easy, like nothing about the way I look could make you stop thinking of me as a man. That's-" He inhaled because his voice and eyes threatened to betray his emotional state. "God, I promise not to cry while leaning over you in only your underwear. You just keep making me feel so accepted and safe that I don't want to be around all those other people that don't. Fuck."

“Honestly? You can cry because if that’s how you feel then I want to share it. It doesn’t matter whether I’m in my underwear or not and thinking about it, I’m mostly in or without my underwear next to you.” The round face came closer and she kissed his lips briefly, softly, not sudden or rough at all before leaning back against the pillow and continuing to look absolutely otherworldly. “The thing is that I understand it in some way, even though it probably sounds like a prank coming from somebody who never felt as if she needed to go through so much pain and suffering only to feel comfortable in her own body, but- about the detail I told you… people did make me feel like I do not deserve being a woman if I don’t want to use my vagina for what society thinks I should be using it for. When I told you that you’re the first person who treats me like a human, I didn’t lie. My previous partners didn’t consider me worth anything as soon as they knew that I didn’t want to have penetrative sex. I even explained, you know? That it hurts and they still- they still did all that bullshit and said that I only had bad partners who didn’t know how to fuck, so they would show me the right way. No, you bitch-ass, your stupid fucking dick is the problem and I don’t want it inside me, what’s so hard to understand about that? Argh.” Wonhee looked to the ceiling, eyes a bit wet as she had gotten emotional over the topic. “So what I meant is, that even though I have all those things to be considered a woman by society, I’m considered a failure, which is simply… it’s simply wrong and toxic and it makes you feel as if you’re not enough even though you are. You always are enough.”

_She must have been hurt so much, just like you even if it's not quite the same._

It would have been unfair of him to judge which of them suffered more because suffering was subjective and Wonhee was hurt independent of how much he had been hurt.

"I think I understand you well," he whispered and stroked over Wonhee's face, happy that she felt so strongly for him, the way he felt for her. "I- well, I also never wanted anybody inside me, or to even touch my chest because I was so disgusted by it. I was also told that something is wrong with me or that I just didn't get fucked nicely enough to see the light. It's bullshit and not only because I'm not a woman. Your gender identity isn't decided by what genitals you have or how you behave. Wearing a crop top doesn't automatically make me a woman just because I don't have a dick. It doesn't and it applies to me as much as it does to you. You're a gorgeous woman to me and I would really like to touch you, Wonhee."

He felt embarrassed again, mostly because he could tell that Wonhee was emotional and arousal was probably the last thing on her mind. But Hyungwon was still affected by the way she lay on his bed, beautiful and with her curves on display.

“And I’ve never been more attracted to a man. You have the ability to make me burn in seconds, your hands and lips, the way you look at me- they give me so many fantasies.” Wonhee chewed on her lips and he observed the blush as it spread on the pretty, freckled cheeks. Hyungwon really loved her freckles.

_She makes you feel the same way. Maybe you can dare it? Just a bit?_

Carrying his weight with one arm, he used the other to pull up his oversized shirt and pull it over his head and off the other arm. He discarded it at the side of the mattress before looking back at Wonhee. He couldn't help examining her face to see whether she minded the little scars, now that they were perfectly visible. Her expression changed, but to something different than what he had expected. She licked her lips and reached for his chest, briefly checking the expression on his face before brushing right over his nipple while chewing on her lip, blush increasing and making Wonhee look even prettier.

Hyungwon could feel it, the sensation of fingers against his nipple, but the sight had a much stronger effect on him. He couldn't believe that Wonhee wanted him, that she wanted to touch him and felt aroused by the sight of his body.

He exhaled roughly and shifted his weight to be able to lean down just enough to kiss her, tasting her lips and daring to lick over her bottom lip. It felt so intimate and somehow Wonhee's reactions took his fear to show himself, to let her experience what it meant to be like him.

"Would you… help me take off my shorts?" he asked and barely heard his own words with how loudly his heart hammered in his ears.

“I would love to,” she whispered and let her hands slide from his chest over his stomach, tracing the seam of his shorts before stroking over the button and zipper, eyes fixed on him as her pretty fingers slowly undid it. It was unreal to see those small hands covered in expensive jewellery open his shorts, how they took the zipper, pulled it down and how Wonhee lifted her hands to his stomach again, scratching over his skin lightly and sending electrical impulses through his body. “More?”

"Y-yeah," he gasped, overwhelmed by the touch and how much it made him feel. There was a hint of worry deep at the pit of his stomach, but the way Wonhee looked at him spoke of affection, of a yearning to feel even more of him.

_Why is it so much easier next to her?_

Wonhee chewed on her lip again and it looked like a mixture of excitement, arousal and tension. Her hands traced the seam of his shorts and slipped under it, pulling them down his butt that Wonhee stroked over it as she wrapped her legs around him. She used the grip to pull the piece of clothing all the way down his legs, leaving her hands on top of his ass.

_It's so much at once, but why is it okay?_

He didn't know. The light was bright and illuminated his chest and part of Wonhee's face, but still he wasn't scared. Maybe it was the expression on her face, the way she looked at him without disgust and hesitation. She seemed to know what she wanted, that she wanted him even though her hands paused and waited for his permission.

_She's so careful with you. She really cares, that's why you can't help but want to be close, to see how far you can go._

"You drive me mad," he murmured, aware of the need that seemed to wash over him in a matter of seconds again. His eyes roamed Wonhee's face, her nipples that shone through her bra and the right side of her slip that had moved lower and revealed more of her hip bone. Hyungwon didn't know if he had been the one to tug at the fabric, but his mouth felt dry just looking at Wonhee.

“Then… you should act on it, because you’re driving me mad too,” she whispered, slowly scratching from the seam of his underwear, over his butt before returning to his lower back and letting her thighs slide over his hips and legs. She must like his butt, trying to feel more by running her fingers over it. “I keep thinking about that one time when I sat on your lap and you asked what would happen if you lost it- I can’t stop thinking about it because I want you to lose it so badly.”

"I don't think I ever have and-" He swallowed and hesitated at first, not sure whether the truth would make Wonhee uncomfortable. "And my libido is stronger due to the hormones I take now, so I'm simply trying to… deal with it usually."

_What if she is scared that you will expect too much?_

He gasped out loud because despite his words and worries Wonhee's hands felt really good and he kept thinking about the way she had made him feel in the dark.

Licking her lips, Wonhee smiled and looked up from his chest, meeting his gaze. "I touch myself too. It's crucial, otherwise I would've thought that those terrible experiences were the only thing left for me. But I mean- don't you feel a certain kind of want? Because I do. I do so much it's making me dizzy."

Hyungwon chuckled because he wasn't even sure that 'want' was strong enough to express it. "It's more than a want," he murmured and shifted on top of Wonhee, wondering if it would be okay to lie down and intertwine their legs again. "It's a burning urge, a need."

"Sounds about right," Wonhee commented and stroked over his back before using her grip on his hips to lay on the side and take him along. "I'm not sure I can talk for a long time because I feel like throwing pillows if nothing is happening and I'm burning up from the inside. I'm okay if I know that I'm the only one feeling it, but you do too. You do, so why don't you… why don't you act on it? Is something the matter with me?" Wonhee hesitantly removed her arms and the warm thighs disappeared around his hips, only those black eyes held him captive.

_You keep sending the wrong message._

"Only with me," he whispered and leaned in to kiss her, hoping to prove her wrong and make her understand that he wanted this just as much. His right hand travelled towards Wonhee's wrist to wrap around it and lead her delicate fingers over his hip towards his behind, hoping that he was right about her enjoying it. Next he pulled her leg back around his hips and made sure to intertwine their legs, gasping from the friction.

His eyes rolled back briefly because he had been yearning for some friction so badly and he cursed, unable to help it.

"It's in the middle of the day, why am I like this?" His lips were quick to find Wonhee's and pull her flush against his chest, bodies aligned and friction just right as the beautiful woman shifted in his embrace.

_She must be able to feel it, but still she doesn't mind._

Wonhee only seemed to mind the lack of motion as she rolled her hips over his thigh, rubbing hers between his legs and moaning softly with her eyes fluttering shut. Her fingers were playing with his butt, sinking into the flesh and scratching over the fabric of his underwear. "It's me. I asked you to be close because I can't think straight next to you."

_What if she wants you just as much, Hyungwon? What if she likes you the way you are?_

It sounded surreal, but still his eyes were providing him with the evidence as Wonhee did everything to be closer, to feel more of him while making him feel at the same time. He moaned, already breathless from the little bit of friction and moved just enough to feel more.

When Wonhee whimpered softly because it wasn't enough, he finally dared to do as he pleased, to wrap his arms around her body and roll her over his thigh as she stimulated him, pulling moan after moan from his lips.

"Oh my god," Wonhee moaned, searching for any bit of his skin and covering it in kisses and bites, moving along with him and whispering that she wanted him into his ear like a mantra, over and over again. "Hyungwon, I want you so much, please."

Only her name was prominent enough on his mind to reach his lips in between the constant gasps. Hyungwon couldn't grasp a single thought, too mesmerized by the way Wonhee's forehead became damp with tiny drops of sweat, how her cheeks and lips gained colour. He was aware of the wetness against his thighs and at the same time he was burning from the inside, trying to hold on to the moment because he didn't want it to end.

"You- you feel so good, Hyungwon, you feel so fucking good," she breathed out, using her grip on his ass to apply more pressure to make it even more intense. "Do you like this?" Wonhee made a sensual motion with her hips, sliding her thigh in a nice angle between his legs.

"Y-yeah," he gasped and couldn't help how his hands already urged her to repeat it, leading her to move against him in just the same way. It felt amazing to have sensations from all his senses, the sounds that Wonhee made, the feel of her skin, her scent and finally the way she threw her head back with every motion.

He used his right hand to slip between their bodies and caress Wonhee's round breasts through her see-through bra, rubbing over the erect buds along with the pleasure that spread from his middle throughout his body. Hyungwon wanted more so badly, to slip a hand between them, but the remaining awareness at the back of his head held him back.

"Can I-" he gasped, but didn't finish, fingers still dancing over Wonhee's breasts.

"Huh? Would you like something else?" she asked, only moving sporadically, probably to be able to understand what he was saying. Her face was flushed and she was breathing heavily, but still, she must've wanted to know what it was that he wanted to ask. "Tell me."

Hyungwon felt additional heat travel to his face, this time not from arousal as a hint of shame caught up with him. Wonhee had been perfectly satisfied with what they were doing and he suddenly desired more, even daring to ask for it.

_But she said she wants to know if you desire her, to be aware of what's going on inside your head._

"Can I…" He swallowed and kissed Wonhee's neck and the uncovered bit of her breasts to mumble the words against them. "Can I use my hand for both of us?"

"Do it. Do it, Hyungwon," Wonhee breathed into his face, before holding tighter onto him and whispering 'please' multiple times.

He didn't ask a second time even though he usually would have as his right hand left Wonhee's chest and travelled lower to where their bodies aligned and heat spread through them with each touch. His fingers focused on Wonhee first, middle and index finger lifting upwards to rub right against her clit as he did the same for himself with the ring and pinky finger. He wasn't able to contain the moan that spilled from his lips, relieved to finally feel enough friction while his legs trembled uncontrollably.

"Oh my god," he murmured and leaned forward to capture Wonhee's lips in a kiss, to drown his senses in her taste and her scent, the way she felt in his arms and the way she moaned his name.

Wonhee might have said something too, but it mostly sounded like moans as she licked into his mouth, holding onto him tightly with her fingers digging into his arms and begging him not to stop.

He wouldn't have been able to, even if he wanted to. His body burned with the familiar approach of orgasm and he did his best to focus on it and not let it go until it would wash over him. Wonhee must have been close too, he could tell from the way she sped up her own hip rolls to urge him on and how her speech slurred slightly, becoming incoherent.

Despite the burning, he forced his eyes open and focused on Wonhee's signals, on the sudden contractions throughout her body as she froze in the middle of a hip roll and released the tension suddenly before contracting again, moans filling out his apartment. She was beautiful when she came and Hyungwon forced himself to stay still, to ignore the burning between his legs even though his thighs pressed together in an attempt to bridge the lack of sensation.

When Wonhee's eyes opened and settled on him, he couldn't help it and moved his hand just enough for himself, moaning with his lips parted.

"Come for me," Wonhee whispered against his lips and he felt how she brushed over his nipples and sucked his bottom lip into her warm mouth.

_It's okay, you can let her see, Hyungwon._

His eyes fluttered shut and he focused on the sensations as he moved his hand between his legs, rubbing just the way he liked it while hands roamed his chest and played with his nipples. He kept gasping for air, breathless from the way it felt to be touched while still feeling Wonhee next to him, her soft body still brushing against his own.

When his whole lower body seemed to pull together with the force of his orgasm, he groaned and threw his head back with force. His black hair rubbed over his pillow and he felt a few strands stick to his cheek. Hyungwon's mouth was open in an attempt to get his air back and he didn't dare open his eyes yet, trembling from the aftermath of pleasure.

_You've shown her how you please yourself and still she stays._

He dared to open his eyes, to meet Wonhee's black ones and the expression on her face.

"This is the best sex I've ever had and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to move past this, you're everything," she said with her gorgeous voice, quietly because they were so close as she carefully wrapped around him and shared her warmth.

_You feel the same, don't you?_

He only nodded, not trusting his voice enough to speak yet and wrapped his arms around Wonhee in return, lips pressing a kiss to her head. It felt so safe to embrace her, to know that she wasn't going to get up and leave because of the way he was. A quiet voice at the back of his head still told him that she might, but somehow it seemed like Hyungwon began to listen to it less and less.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 11

It felt strange to walk around without a slip, but the sex made it impossible to use. She had wanted to throw it in the trash, but Hyungwon insisted on washing it with his clothes, so she agreed but disagreed wearing one of his boxers. Those were for slim, firm asses. Hers didn’t qualify as either.

_You didn’t know that sex could be like this._

She hadn’t been naked and Hyungwon hadn’t been naked either, but she felt a bit of the swelling between his legs, her own wetness and how they both enjoyed the touches and the finish with his gorgeous fingers, giving both of them what they wanted.

_He likes friction a lot, doesn’t he?_

Thinking about how those soft plump lips would feel kissing between her legs and whether Hyungwon would ever let her do the same, she walked down the street with her pretty yellow dress and her naked ass, but at least she didn’t soak any underwear.

_They should take a pic and write an article about how you have no shame._

She chuckled, grateful that the paparazzi didn’t go that far as she wasn’t a person of interest because her life was boring and walked right into the small boutique. Most of the clothes were okay, but not quite her style, however, her eyes focused on the gorgeous white dress on the mannequin. The dress was familiar but not quite because it looked even better after Hyungwon had finished it, blessed it with so much more detail and it seemed so precious that she was ready to pay whatever for it.

“I would like to try on this one.” She pointed at the dress and smiled, watching the blonde woman pull it from the mannequin. A glance at the brand, she got slightly confused. “Did you make this? Is it the owner who makes them, is that why the brand says the boutique name?” she asked and smiled, trying not to appear rude.

“Ah- no, a designer makes the clothes for us.”

“Oh really? Would be nice to know their name, so let them print their names on the clothes. It’s a work of art too and it feels a bit like robbing the artists of their creations,” she commented and took the gorgeous white dress, before walking to the tiny changing room. She hated changing rooms because clothes usually weren’t made for her. Either her ass was too big, or her boobs, or the waist too thin, or she was too fucking short. Something had always been the matter, but somehow, magically, that dress fit perfectly. It was just perfect and she looked so much better in it than she usually did.

_He is simply perfect in everything he does._

“I’m taking it,” she said after putting her yellow dress on again and walking to the cashier to pay. It was quite a bit, and she wondered how much of that money Hyungwon actually received.

_Probably almost nothing. This is so fucking unfair._

The shop employee wasn’t at fault for that, so she took the business card to write to the owner and picked up the big white bag with the dress before walking back to her car that she parked around the block. On the street, as there was no parking spot.

Smiling, Wonhee pulled out her phone.

‘I’ll be wearing white’, she typed.

_

“You what? Wonhee, we cannot accept it. The shareholder meeting is an official event associated with the company and no place to bring along whoever you are having fun with right now.”

She inhaled and held her breath, counting to ten to not hiss a curse back. “I understand. That’s why I’m going to bring him with me. He is my company. You are taking dad, Mark is taking his shitty personality and I am taking Hyungwon because he’s my partner and I’m serious about it. I know you will try to tell me hurtful things, but I’m not going to listen. Not today. See you later and… just accept it. He is who I chose,” she muttered and quickly hung up to not hear a single word that her mother said with her terrible tone of voice and that inherent arrogance that caused her skin to crawl.

_They will hate you and you don’t know what will happen, but-_

But Wonhee had chosen him and she wanted to take him along, to make it official, to confirm to herself, to him, to those people in her family, that she had a person who she loved and wanted to be with. That it happened to be a person she met by chance, but who made her feel alive like nobody else. What did it matter what her parents or whoever thought, if he was the one who mattered most to her?

_He stepped towards you, he let you be with him and he let you be close to him. Now it’s your turn to show that you mean it, that it’s important to you, that you want it and that you won’t give it up only because it might be uncomfortable._

It was straight out scary because her parents had no sense of moral judgment, but she hoped to have one, so maybe she could stand through this. She could do it with him by her side.

A last look into the mirror took her breath away because the dress looked so good and simply perfect on her curves. The pearl-details made her seem so precious, like a gift, a piece of art and secretly she just imagined getting married to him and running away from all that bullshit.

_Would be too nice, wouldn’t it?_

She sighed and put on white pumps with high heels because she was short and wanted to be able to kiss Hyungwon comfortably without having to lift on her tiptoes. It was quarter to six, she was wearing a gorgeous white dress that she never thought she would wear because it was too beautiful for her and walked out towards the elevator, feeling like Cinderella. Just that she was short, her carriage was a BMW, she was about to piss off her parents, shareholders and whoever else cared about her company and that her prince was actually an angel. Wonhee sometimes thought about her life before she met Hyungwon and now it felt like she woke up from a thousand years of sleep, a thousand years of complete bullshit.

_You’re not Cinderella, you’re Sleeping Beauty._

The elevator doors opened and she walked with her head held high towards the tall man that she saw entering the lobby.

Hyungwon looked- Wonhee wasn’t quite sure which words to use when a big hand brushed a few loose strands behind a curled earl and plump lips spread in a smile as soon as he saw her. He looked ethereal, a being that didn’t belong on earth and especially not in that lobby even though he made it his own by simply standing next to one of the couches. Hyungwon was dressed in a pitch black suit, but instead of the typical white shirt, he wore a black one underneath with a low cut and ornaments that drew a line from the middle of his chest to the beginning of his suit pants that shone through below the black blazer. His hair was styled differently too, showing more of his face. Wonhee’s eyes followed his sharp jaw to his round chin and finally up to the big, brown eyes. They were smiling just as much as Hyungwon’s lips were.

_He's so beautiful, how?_

Hyungwon looked at her face first, but the closer she stepped, the quicker his eyes slipped down to her dress, over the details, the wide skirt and finally back to her face.

‘You…?’ he mouthed and repeated the same question out loud as soon as he was close enough. “Wonhee- you… where did you find that dress? It’s- did you-?”

"So are you going to marry me or not?" she asked with fake annoyance, overplaying the fact that she was shamelessly staring at him, wanted to hug him and kiss his gorgeous lips and hoped that he didn't hate her for literally buying a wedding dress and wearing it to a shareholder meeting. "You have five minutes to change your mind about this."

“I-” Hyungwon’s lips remained parted but no sound came out. He looked so overwhelmed. “I don’t think I could even if you held a knife to my throat. I like it too much, Wonhee. You look-” Wonhee could see how he swallowed before stepping closer and offering her his arm.

“I thought of you when I made it,” Hyungwon mumbled and glanced to the side, rosy colour covering his cheeks, but not as much as it would have without the thin layer of makeup that he had applied.

"I thought of you when I went to the shop, when I saw it, tried it on, bought it and on my way home. I think about you all the time, Hyungwon and I'm so proud to wear a piece of your art, something that you made with your gorgeous hands. I hope I do it justice and if not, I'm sorry." Wonhee ignored his arm and lifted as she was still a bit short despite high heels to kiss his lips once without too many people watching. He was so damn beautiful that it was hard not to stare.

“It is made for you, Wonhee. I-” Again Hyungwon glanced to the side as soon as their lips parted, but his arms wrapped around her waist, holding her close. “I cannot believe that it fits.”

_You can't believe that it fits either._

They were standing in the middle of the lobby and when steps sounded not too far away, Wonhee was forced to remember that they weren’t on their own, that people were most likely staring and thinking that they were about to get married, preparing for their photoshoot.

“I won’t be allowed to kiss you at the event, will I?” Hyungwon asked eventually as he stroked over her cheek, instantly pulling her attention back to his face.

"Honestly? I decided for myself that what’s most important is what you think and what I think and if you want to kiss me then you should because I love it and I don't want to miss a single one for completely ridiculous reasons." She finally took his arm, holding onto him and pulling him towards the parking lot. "We look as if we're about to get married," she commented without looking up.

_Are you trying to distract yourself from the fact that you know what kind of shitshow it will be?_

"I wish," Hyungwon chuckled before raking through his hair nervously. "If you were really getting married, I'd make you an even more beautiful dress. Something that isn't only unique but breathes 'you' with every inch of fabric. With flowers covering the gown, ivory ones."

_You've never thought getting married would intrigue you._

"That sounds beautiful, but I'll only wear it if you're the one I'm marrying. I don't want to marry anybody else. Marry me and let's run away from this bullshit." Wonhee chuckled and felt her fingers briefly tremble due to the truth hidden in those words that she carelessly spoke as if they didn't mean anything.

_He's not responsible for your happiness, Wonhee. He deserves his own._

"But if you get married, Hyungwon, then I won't come and I won't be happy for you because I'm a selfish bitch and I want you only for myself. Just so you know. People always say real love is when you are happy for the other person, but I think they forget that a middle exists. There's you, there's the partner and then there's the thing that you both created, the bubble that you both made together. Real love is when you do everything to keep that bubble from bursting. That's love." Wonhee took out her key and unlocked the car. "Would you like to drive?"

Hyungwon glanced at her in surprise before nodding in comprehension and taking the key from her.

"It's difficult in the dress, right? I didn't think about that," he remarked and opened the passenger door for her. He waited as she lifted up her skirt to arrange it better on her lap as she sat down again. Just when she expected the door to close, Hyungwon leaned down and kissed her cheek, softly, without applying to much pressure. "I find myself looking for ways to surround that bubble with granite," Hyungwon whispered before moving back and finally shutting the door.

_You wish nobody would ever come close to it._

"The dress is fine, it's more about the shoes. I wanted to be tall and kiss you whenever I like," she commented and buckled up. Hyungwon looked natural and so gorgeous that she spent a few moments observing how he adjusted the seat and wheel position. "That bubble seems like the only precious thing I own and at the same time the only source of my happiness," she whispered more as a confirmation for herself.

Hyungwon only hummed as he checked the side mirrors one last time and turned towards her. "Where would you like me to drive you, Wonhee?"

"Do you know where the headquarters is located? And you're not my driver, you're my partner, the person I love, so you're coming with me." She placed her hand on Hyungwon's thigh, fingers carefully brushing over the fabric of his suit pants. "My parents will be dicks, so please just don't listen if you can. I think they're more shocked that I didn't listen to them than that I'm taking you with me."

Again Hyungwon nodded and Wonhee could tell that he was nervous from the way he moved his leg up and down whenever he didn't need it to press down on the gas. "I'm a little scared because I know that I can't really be myself, but I'm also not sure what role to play. Am I your boyfriend, only for real this time?"

"I would love it if you could be yourself. I will try to be myself too, whatever that means. This is not a job, it's something that I, your girlfriend, have to get over with, so don't worry too much. I'm- I'm here." She squeezed his thigh and looked outside as they approached the familiar building and the flashes that were already visible,realizing how little she wanted to be there.

"Wanna walk down the aisle?" Hyungwon joked when they arrived at the valet parking. He smiled but Wonhee could tell that he was nervous as he prepared to leave the car first and open the door for her. There was a bunch of press and she was grateful for her tinted windows that provided at least a bit of privacy.

_You can get some human decency for enough money._

The thought made her a bit angry, but she suppressed it, leaving the car and putting on the usual smile, apart from when she looked at Hyungwon. Then she was genuinely happy, even with those terrible flashes.

“It’s too much, right?” she whispered and wrapped her hands around his arm. They really looked as if they were about to get married and her parents were at fault for making the event so big and investing in publicity. It could’ve been a quiet meeting with the usual boring stuff, but they wanted it. They wanted attention, so she was going to get it with her wedding dress and her gorgeous angel-like boyfriend who looked like her husband to be.

_You wish._

“Yeah,” Hyungwon breathed out close to her ear, leaning in just enough for her to hear and at the same time increasing the flashes that sounded around them. Of course the media wanted to see more. They always did. They wanted to see everything to rip it into pieces and make headlines with it. “But… looking at you makes it easier.”

He led her along the press line towards the entry and somehow, just looking at each other and smiling once in a while made it easier. Even when the next car arrived there were still a few flashes, but as soon as they walked through the entrance it got quiet apart from conversations all around them.

“Will… he be here too?” Hyungwon asked and glanced around as if to check for himself.

“Mhm. He bought shares just to piss me off it seems, but oh well. I won’t stay back and I won’t be silent anymore. It’s enough and I’m so sick of it.” Wonhee walked further into the lobby before turning to the big conference hall. “First, there will be very boring talk for about an hour and then there will be food, but I’m not sure I want to stay for more. I’d rather… I’d rather offer myself as a dessert at home.”

Hyungwon licked over his lips and it was the first time that Wonhee saw him obviously respond to one of her advances without the two of them kissing intimately or having their legs intertwined. He nodded and grabbed two glasses off a waiter that hurried past them, offering one of them to her.

“I’m sorry if I am being quiet. I am just not sure what to say because I can feel so many eyes on us. You must be too beautiful to handle.” He smiled and carefully held his hand close to her waist without actually wrapping around it. “May I?”

“Yeah,” she breathed out and chewed on her lips. “It must be so uncomfortable for you and I’m sorry, but I’m still so happy that you came along.”

Hyungwon was just about to reply, but was interrupted by a voice that spoke even before the person appeared.

“Are you not picking up your phone when your father calls you? Do you feel alright?” Her mother joined them, holding a glass of champagne as if it was some kind of trophy that made her better than the rest of the world. Ridiculous.

“Only if I think that the conversation is moot. You don’t expect me to say anything, right? Because I don’t think you or the shareholders would like it.” Wonhee was so nervous, but she needed to say it, to finally stop acting as if any of what was expected of her was remotely okay. It wasn’t. Her mother was looking at Hyungwon intently, studying his features like a creep, probably to say something hurtful.

“Looking at you, Hyungwon, I think you are much prettier than my daughter.” The smile disgusted her. “However, being pretty is not a guarantee of any success, it’s a nice-to-have, but this is about business and I don’t know if Wonhee told you, but we exist and work in a strictly structured environment. We talk decisions through and that also involves personal ones. I don’t have anything against you as a person, but-”

“No,” she interrupted and held onto Hyungwon’s hand so tightly that it must’ve been painful. “There’s no ‘but’. I’m going to marry him and there’s no discussion about that. So don’t bother telling him anything because it doesn’t matter.”

Wonhee pressed her lips together and gestured at the conference hall, tugging at Hyungwon’s arm to pull him along.

_You insane bitch._

“I’m so sorry, I’m so so sorry, fuck, Hyungwon, that- I’m sorry for her being a trash human but I’m also sorry for just saying whatever, please forget about it. I’m unable to hold in anything it seems.”

She kept walking furiously until Hyungwon stopped her at an empty row of chairs, smoothly gesturing for her to sit down as he did so himself. They must have seemed composed from the outside, but it definitely wasn’t because of her.

“If… that is your way to influence the future,” he murmured and fumbled with his hands for a bit until he found an empty glass that he filled with water to occupy them instead. The longer she observed his gestures and face, the more obvious it became that he wasn’t as composed as he tried to be. His eyes were wider than before and he chewed on his cheek. “Then you’re doing an impressive job.”

She turned so fast that it made her a bit dizzy and forced her to close her eyes for a few seconds before she opened them again and focused her gaze on Hyungwon. “You must be so pressured, I’m so sorry. I don’t mean to say those things, but something short-circuits inside my brain and stuff burns down and I’m just- I know that this is not about me, it’s about you and us and I just tell people whatever, I’m so sorry. I really am and I- I hope that you don’t feel pressured by it, it’s just a silly kind of dream of mine.”

Hyungwon hummed which didn’t help to calm down her anxiety. He kept staring at the glass of water that he had already emptied and brushed through his hair once before reaching for her hand.

“My thoughts are kind of messy,” he murmured. “I can’t believe you would even go as far as tell somebody that you want to marry me, but at the same time you did something similar before even knowing me or liking me. I just- I don’t know if I should be happy because this means something or stop thinking about it, so I don’t get hurt.”

_He must think you’re an idiot who just talks bullshit the whole day, which you kind of are._

She would’ve loved to tell Hyungwon that she thought about them moving into a small apartment, one where she knew everything, that felt like hers, and he would make clothes because that’s what he loves and she would open a cafe and sell cake because she loved baking and that sounded so much better than working in a company to strip other people of their money, but it was pressuring, right? One couldn’t put one’s fantasies onto other people and expect them to fulfil them?

“It does mean something. It means that I love you and you’re the only person I think about when I think about my future and I hate thinking about it usually, but you make it better.” She smiled and leaned forward, shitting on all norms and rules and whatever the fuck people considered appropriate and waited till his face became blurry because she was so close before letting their lips touch and humming into the kiss because it felt too good. So much better than everything else around them.

Hyungwon froze at first, probably contemplating whether it was alright to be close like this at an event. He thought about it for what felt like several seconds before Wonhee finally felt arms around her waist that pulled her close enough to feel all of his lips on hers, moving just enough to send a tingling sensation to the pit of her stomach.

“Wonhee,” Hyungwon whispered when their lips parted and the lights got darker, signalling the beginning of the meeting. “I don’t want you to compromise yourself because of me. Am I really worth all that trouble you’d be going through? Your mother… she looked furious.”

_His touch is the only good thing about you being here._

“This might be too much information, but she looked like that when I told her that Mark is a rapist and I’m going to sue him. I didn’t. It was a mistake. I think that look on her face must mean that I’m about to do the right thing.” Smiling, she took his hand and intertwined their fingers on top of his thigh. “You take away my fear because being with you shows me that I don’t want the things that are used to threaten me. I want you and they have no control over you. It’s such a beautiful thought. I’m sorry if you feel pressured by… by me and all those emotions that I empty over your head, but I can’t help it. You’re really everything good that is in this world. To me you are.”

The talk started but she couldn’t rip her eyes away from his face. He looked like a moon in the dark, illuminating her surroundings and letting her see that there wasn’t only darkness for her. That there was a person who so genuinely cared about her as a person, loved her and made her feel loved. Those meaningless numbers only confirmed that she didn’t need any of it. She wanted him and their bubble to stay safe and protect it with everything she had.

"You don't need to apologise for being the way you are, not to me. After all, I like you this way." Hyungwon smiled and even though there was somebody talking at the front, he leaned in and kissed her cheek before returning his attention to the big screen. The smile stayed and even though he wasn't looking at her, Wonhee could feel his fingers around hers, squeezing in reassurance.

She mostly didn’t care about what was going on the screen before it lit up with her name, her share value and the percentage of the company ownership. Pressing her lips together she carefully glanced in Hyungwon’s direction to see if he was shocked at her problems that she kept talking about while being a multi-millionaire.

The brown eyes were wide as Hyungwon turned to look at her, probably realising that she was pretending that she was having such a hard time while everybody else had it much worse. She expected a hint of disgust, maybe pursed lips, but she saw none of that. Only the hand that held hers squeezed a little harder as Hyungwon leaned back on his seat.

_One could do so much with that money, but they would kill you if you actually used it for something decent._

Maybe being hated and despised by her family wasn’t that bad of a deal, she had to think about it more and preferably talk to her lawyer.

Wonhee felt bad about owning so much, but that was her reality, there was no use playing the victim if there was no attempt to change anything. There was money and money dragged you into a cycle of guilt, fear and responsibilities.

When her father spoke a few words to the shareholders, she tried to see some emotion on his face, asking herself whether he as a person had ever felt anything apart from continuous anxiety of losing any of the things that he owned. The material things. It didn’t seem as if he ever cared about anything else apart from power and ownership. What was there to discuss with someone like that?

“Do you actually know why I don’t work?” Wonhee asked quietly when the applause quieted down and they walked towards the lobby.

Hyungwon shook his head and suddenly wrapped an arm around her waist before leading her towards the buffet, far from where they had actually planned to go. He seemed a little anxious at first, but calmed down as soon as there was only them and a table filled with dessert.

"Tell me," he murmured and grabbed two plates, handing her one.

"I studied business and informatics and my dad wanted me to work as Head of Strategy, but this is ridiculous. I did nothing, so why should I take some position when other people worked their asses off to be able to claim it? I suggested that I would like to do something else, but in the end they prohibited me from doing anything if I didn't take the company position. So I just hang around. I’ve been back from London for some time now, but all I do is bake cakes." She chuckled and lifted on her toes to kiss his cheek. "Your girlfriend is unemployed, stays at home, looks like shit and does nothing."

"I disagree with everything but the first point. You're beautiful and I'm grateful that you spend time with me," Hyungwon replied and put a few pastries on her plate as they ended up at the desserts while everybody else was eating proper meals. "Does it matter whether you are unemployed when you have the means to take care of yourself? If I didn't have to pay rent, I'd probably also just sit at home and draw clothes. Maybe make them if I really like something. It must feel crazy to not have to work for a living. Isn't it… a relief? That's how I imagine it."

"It feels like a cage because I can't do what I want to do. When I went with you to D&D, I was monitored by someone and it's not the first time. They follow me around when I meet with Yeojoo or when I drive to see the kids. They try to know exactly what I'm up to as if I'm some kind of unpredictable bomb that will blow up if they don't have the rope tied tightly enough around my neck." Wonhee smiled and placed a mini choux inside her mouth, chewing and humming because it was indeed tasty. "I know that my problems might seem ridiculous to you and to be honest, they probably are, but meeting you makes the difference so clear and I feel scared about the day you say that you've had enough and leave."

Hyungwon shook his head as he ate a bit of choux himself, carefully placing it into his mouth as if it was precious.

"One's problems might always seem ridiculous to another person, don't you think? Another person cannot put themselves in your position, but you are right there and you feel the pain, don't you? So why should it matter how another person sees your problem? It's there and it's real." Hyungwon carefully brushed over her shoulder, fixing the fit of the dress. “Whether your problem is more important than somebody else's is another question, but it's important and it's real. If I can help you solve it then I'll gladly do it, even if I don't think that I'm as wonderful as you see me."

"You are. I think you're even better but I'm bad at seeing all of it. But do you know that I've never felt more pretty than now? Your dress is magic and it makes me feel like I'm a princess and you came here to save me from this bullshit." Right when she was about to say more, she saw the familiar face approaching and disgust crawled up her throat. She didn't know what was the right or smart thing to do, but she saw him open his mouth and couldn't help herself. "Fuck off, Mark. Nobody here is interested in what you have to say, so just fuck off," she said and stepped closer to Hyungwon, wrapping her arms around his waist and burying her face in his chest to make the surroundings disappear.

Warm arms curled around her body and held her close, shielding her while at the same time giving her the choice to step away if she wanted to. Hyungwon's breaths were tickling the top of her head and Wonhee could feel his lips brush over the midline, hinting at a kiss without applying pressure.

"I will protect this bubble until I die," she whispered, holding onto the fabric of Hyungwon's suit jacket and wanting to drown in the sea of warm honey and vanilla.

***

_It's too good to be true, isn't it?_

The woman he loved was wearing the white wedding dress he made himself, words bubbling from her lips that she was going to marry him, balled fists as she told the man who hurt her to fuck off and piles of money that she didn’t have to work for.

All of these things happened in movies, to people who weren't him. People who were gender normative and were either filthy rich or straight out of a fairy-tale with poor families that were saved by a rich prince coming along. It wasn't a prince for Hyungwon, but still he couldn't help the anxiety in his blood as he waited for something to go terribly wrong.

_She cannot go against the hand that feeds her without some consequences. It is just a matter of time._

Wonhee's mother had made her point rather quickly, telling him that he was pretty but nothing else and didn't fit into their business strategy. She didn't even know everything about him yet, but not having money was already enough to be rejected.

_What would she say once she knows?_

The more Hyungwon began to see the world that Wonhee lived in, the clearer it was that he wasn't meant to be a part of it. He knew how to pretend to be high society for an evening or two, but this wasn't about pretending. It was about becoming a part of it and he wasn't able to do that, not by denying everything that he was and his values.

_She wants to be with you and fight this, but can she really?_

He didn't want to discourage Wonhee, not when she was fighting back so strongly, standing up for him to keep him safe. She was able to do that now, to invest all that strength and tell people off, but wouldn't it be tiring?

_You're so exhausted from constantly fighting for yourself, so how can she keep doing it against her own family?_

Wonhee was fighting hard and even though Hyungwon wanted to support her with everything he had, still the thought that all of this wouldn't last kept bubbling up inside his head.

It felt different when they were on their own, just the two of them without anybody who could ruin their closeness and the way they felt about each other. But the world wasn't like that and even if they kept protecting their bubble there was going to be somebody wanting to pierce it.

Hyungwon's thoughts were a mixture of fear and appreciation as he wrapped his arms around Wonhee and held onto her as soon as their twosomeness was interrupted by Mark. He had tried to avoid that man by hurrying to the dessert area, but apparently he wasn't one to give up.

At first he thought of adding his own 'fuck off', but he didn't want to compromise Wonhee's words. It should have been enough that she didn't want Mark there without him interfering.

_You want her to feel like fighting back brings about change._

He remained quiet and brushed over Wonhee's short hair and the open back of her dress, enjoying the warmth as he tried to forget about Mark's existence. He didn't want to be there and pretend, but this was for Wonhee and he had been the one who wanted to be there to protect her if necessary.

"Don't give him the pleasure of having your eyes on him," he whispered and pressed a kiss to the top of Wonhee's head.

“I won’t. I only care about you,” she whispered and leaned back, observing him intently with her round, black eyes. "Should we go home? I want you to take this dress off me.”

_Does she mean it or is it meant to make him angry?_

Hyungwon wasn't even sure if Mark had heard her words, but he played along and nodded with a smile. "I'd love to. We probably ate everything decent already and your food is more delicious." He met Wonhee's gaze to make sure it was alright for them to leave without any major repercussions.

“What’s the point in taking off that dress if there’s nothing else you’re willing to offer?” Mark commented, but Wonhee kept her gaze on him and reached for his hand, firmly holding it.

“I really want to drown in you, if it’s possible,” the pleasant voice whispered only for him to hear before she pulled at his hand and held onto his arm as they walked down the lobby, catching gazes that Wonhee didn’t seem to worry about before they finally arrived and the car was brought to the main entrance.

“It’s a shithole, I’m so sorry.”

_Does that really describe it?_

Hyungwon hummed because it must have felt like a cage to Wonhee, even if that wasn't the case for him. "It's like a parallel world to me. The people laughing and enjoying themselves behind my TV screen. Not sure that makes sense, but that's what it seems like."

_She feels like this too, doesn't she?_

Wonhee did, every second until she wrapped her arms around him or touched him, returning him to the bubble they shared.

“Maybe, especially because I hate watching TV.” She looked so gracious, walking around the car and opening the driver’s door and he almost thought that she was about to drive after two glasses of champagne, but she simply gestured for him to sit in the driver’s seat with a gorgeous smile. “I hate watching TV but I could watch you for hours.”

_That's how it should be, without any expectations because of gender or gender expression._

Hyungwon enjoyed the switch, how Wonhee held the door open without even thinking about it. "I feel the same about you," he remarked as he sat down on the driver's seat and briefly checked if everything was still adjusted to his preferences while Wonhee made her way around the car and got into the passenger seat. "Do your feet hurt?"

“Not as much as I’m feeling helpless about all those things surrounding me. Sometimes-” she sat back and reclined her seat. She looked so beautiful wearing the wedding dress he made, beautiful and somehow far away from everything including him as she glanced at the car ceiling in thought. “Sometimes I think that I’ve been drugged and spent most of my life in some kind of delirious state before I saw your face and woke up all of a sudden. Like in a sad fairy-tale.”

"Like sleeping beauty?" he asked before chuckling briefly. "What if fairy tales aren't all that far off, but just metaphors for things? I don't really believe in salvation though. That shit had enough times to come and I'm not sure it’s possible to get any lower than I've been."

“Do you feel better when you are next to me? I know it’s selfish to ask, but I keep wishing it was like that. That I make you feel better just like you make me forget everything when you’re close enough that I can only breathe you.”

_It's the bubble, isn't it?_

"You do," he whispered and finally drove past the paparazzi, fancy cars and a big chunk of Wonhee's life he didn't quite fit into. "I keep feeling like life is different when the two of us are together. But then there are moments like this one when it seems like we're too positive and it's just a matter of time until one of us realises that we're being too hopeful. I'm being too hopeful I guess."

“I know it’s a lot to take. It is. Just what my mother said today would be enough for you to say that you don’t want to do this to yourself and I understand, I do, I just can’t be without you, so I am trying whatever it takes to keep you by my side for as long as possible. The classical behaviour I usually show. I know that I should spare you all this and maybe try and make it easier for you to dump me, but I just want to use that stupid elevator, go up to the apartment I don’t like and let you undress me and feel your hands all over my body and inhale your scent, watch your eyes roll back and hear your moan when you feel so good that you can’t control it anymore.” Wonhee was looking straight ahead absentmindedly and it seemed like she was speaking her thoughts, unfiltered and raw.

_She-_

Hyungwon didn't even finish his thought, too baffled by how much Wonhee seemed to like him, to want him even.

_You have seen how scared she was to be rejected and still she was vulnerable in front of you._

Maybe he should have tried to be more realistic, to tell Wonhee that it wasn't about him leaving her because of the things that her mother said. It wasn't about that at all.

_It's about the pressure that she will constantly have to deal with and at some point it might get too much. You might not be worth it._

"I don't know what to say, my hands are shaking," he murmured and grabbed the wheel tighter. "Being wanted is so new to me, like a joke that will be at my expenses as soon as I act on it. I want you too, Wonhee and seeing you wear that dress makes me emotional."

“Then marry me,” she whispered quietly, fumbling with the pearls.

Wonhee smiled and watched as he barely fit into the parking spot, hands shaking even more. Silence surrounded them when Wonhee unbuckled and left the car, waiting for him to do the same. The elevator arrived shortly with a ding. “I must scare you, I’m sorry. It’s new for me too. You are so nice to me and you see something in me, something that is not the net worth that I am reduced to. I really want to give you all of me, but it feels weird because I don’t think I’m valuable or have anything you might want. I guess we’re both insecure in one way or another.”

"Probably because we were taught to think that way," he whispered and reached out to brush along the black curls right next to Wonhee's face, following them down to her shoulder. The dress accentuated her curves the way Hyungwon had imagined, but the longer he stared, the more he wanted to create something that was perfect, that felt like Wonhee when he looked at it. That made him feel the way he did when he looked at her. "I have never thought of you as a bunch of money, not even when you hired me for the first time. I always saw the job as a chance to be myself without any prejudice, even if it was still pretence."

Wonhee pressed the ‘7’ and leaned against one of the rails, observing his face for a long time until they arrived without saying a single word. Hyungwon took in every detail, the way she moved, how her feet must have been in pain because of the way she tried to keep her weight on the back of her feet. He thought of asking, but decided to wait until Wonhee broke the silence.

Only when the doors opened and they stood in front of her apartment door, did she finally speak. “You’re special, but not because you’re different. It’s because you’re simply perfect. Perfection contained in a human being and running around just like that. I feel so lucky that I met you, you don’t even know.”

_Is it because she doesn't mind the questionable bits about you or because she doesn't know them?_

She didn’t let him reply and unlocked the door, quickly slipping out of her shoes and walking to the fridge to get a bottle of wine. It was strange to see how she took out a glass and poured the red liquid into it before simply staring it down without taking a single sip. “My coping strategies are stretched to their limits it seems.”

"What do you mean?" he asked and stepped closer to carefully remove the glass from her delicate fingers. Somehow he hoped that his company didn't require alcohol, at least not this time. He had been the reason for Wonhee drinking on multiple occasions.

“I’m not sure. I came in and I felt so helpless that I immediately wanted to drink, but you are here, so I actually don’t want to drink, I want… I want you.” The black eyes looked up and focused on his face as Wonhee chewed on her curved lips, height difference more apparent without her high heels. “I’m kind of embarrassing I guess, and now I want to undress again so it’ll be everything or nothing.”

"Tell me why you felt helpless at first," he whispered and discarded the glass on the counter before curling his arms around Wonhee and kissing the top of her head. It must have been something automatic that she didn't reflect on, either a reaction to her situation or to the apartment that didn't feel like home.

_It must be so lonely, but differently than it is for you._

“Many things at once. Usually I come home and feel terrible in one way or another. I feel used or I feel useless, I feel disgusted or guilty, so I drink. I want you but I know that I’ve made mistakes before, so I have no idea how to act and you shouldn’t be the one to teach me, right? You have enough on your mind. And then when all those thoughts enter my mind, I think how you must feel about all this. About me talking bullshit and wearing that wedding dress you made without telling you and just asking you to undress me just like that. I really- I really hope that I don’t make you feel used. I don’t want to make you feel that way.”

"You don't," he replied immediately and pressed another kiss to Wonhee's hair. It smelled less like flowers, but still sweet, reminding him of the scent of cherries wafting in the breeze. "You're probably the only person that I don't mind teaching, Wonhee. You understand somehow and… and don't judge. I don't feel used, I feel overwhelmed that you are wearing something I created and that you like me enough to be the one to help you take it off."

He swallowed and stroked over some of the fabric at the side of the dress, knowing that was where the zipper was hidden. "May I?"

Wonhee looked up again, observing his expression intently, before she jumped up and sat on the counter, wrapping her legs around his hips and pulling him closer with the firm grip. “Please. Please, Hyungwon.”

He smiled and stroked back up to her shoulders. He wanted to do the dress justice and pay attention to all the details, all the patterns he covered it with and how it felt to have Wonhee wear it.

Hyungwon traced the edges around Wonhee's breasts, danced over her collarbones and cupped her shoulders before finally pulling down the zipper and freeing her chest from the fabric. She was wearing a white lace bra, curling around her full breasts like gorgeous jewelry, partially see through and showing the outline of her dark nipples that hardened as soon as his fingers stroked anywhere close to them.

Wonhee didn’t say anything when he undressed her, but he could hear so well how fast her breaths had gotten and that she swallowed once in a while, fingers digging into his arms and back when he touched her.

“I don’t think I’ve ever felt like burning up next to anybody to this degree, but I feel like it’s getting worse with every single touch. I can’t even talk properly because my body wants to wrap around you.”

"Why isn't it?" Hyungwon asked back, voice trembling and sounding much less composed than he had hoped. Wonhee was beautiful and each touch seemed to be something she wanted, maybe even yearned for. He brushed over Wonhee's sides towards the skirt of the dress that he finally pulled over her head to reveal a fitted slip. He smiled briefly, wondering if Wonhee had worn the set for him.

_You're probably giving yourself too much credit._

"It isn't because I don't want to do anything you don't like but at the same time I'm burning and feel like I’m going crazy. I can't lose focus and do whatever I like, so… so I'm trying to be more composed, but damn, it's hard because you are so attractive and I feel drawn towards you." Wonhee kept her legs around his hips and leaned back, putting most of her weight on her hands that were propped against the marble surface of the kitchen counter. Her eyes looked as if she was imagining something, licking her lips and roaming his face and his body with her intense gaze.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked quietly, unable to help his curiosity as his hands acted on their own and followed the seam of her slip. He let his fingertips dance over her navel towards her breasts, tracing the seam there too before reaching Wonhee's jaw and drawing a circle on her cheek. It didn't mean anything, but he enjoyed the sensation so much. Being close was still so unusual and he basked in every single second of it. "I like to have your hands on me, Wonhee. It's fine. I'll… tell you if something is too much for me."

"I do think that I'm too much, but I can't help it. I keep fantasising about making you feel the way you make me feel." Contrary to her words, she didn't reach for his body and didn't touch him. Her gaze was intense and so full of want that it took his breath away. Hyungwon loved how she exhaled roughly when he traced her nipples through the fabric and her skin reacted with goose bumps under his fingertips.

_She wants to make you feel the same way?_

"What are you imagining?" he tried again before leaning in and kissing the spot where her collarbones met. He added several more to her chest and the skin between her breasts, loving how much it smelled like her.

"I can't really imagine because you didn't feel comfortable enough to show me yet, but I do dream of your moans with my head between your legs." Wonhee licked over her curved mouth and sat up, wrapping her arms around him and letting him carry her weight. "Bedroom?"

_She thinks about it?_

He nodded, but his mind remained with Wonhee's words, thinking about what she was thinking of if she imagined pleasing him that way. Did she think of him as a woman then because of the parts? Wasn't it difficult up separate gender from sex unless it was never aligned in the first place?

"Do you feel pressured about it? Don't worry, I think about it and then I touch myself and it's been a good way to get rid of the overflowing sexual tension that I feel as soon as you're anywhere close. But now you're here and I can't wait to be close to you in any way you feel comfortable with. I just wanted to share with you because you mentioned that you can't believe that I find you attractive. My bunny vibrator is working extra hard because of all that attraction." A brief chuckle followed and Wonhee wrapped around him completely, holding onto his neck with her arms and onto his hips with her legs, letting him carry her to the slightly messy bedroom.

Hyungwon held onto her, barely holding back from letting his hands roam her warm skin. She must have thought he hesitated and felt pressured about her words, but that wasn't it. He struggled to understand how she could want it so much, how Wonhee managed to avoid the fear that everybody else had when it came to his body.

"I'm not pressured, I just-" He swallowed and let Wonhee's mostly naked body touch the soft sheets before climbing on top of her. "I wonder what you see me as. If you imagine pleasing me like that then… are you still able to think of me as a man?"

"You think I'm not? Isn't it weird that I'm offering you something that many men enjoy the most? I figured that you like friction, but my tongue- it can provide some friction too." Wonhee smiled a little and stuck out her tongue before leaning forward and licking over his lips slowly. "But this is something we can create together. I only want to do things that you want and like, nothing more."

Hyungwon licked over his lips because they suddenly felt dry despite Wonhee's tongue. It must have been his thoughts, the image of Wonhee pleasing him with her tongue while his legs trembled from the way it felt. There was no disgust on her face and no hint of delusion, nothing that he could have used as an excuse that Wonhee didn't know what she was up for.

"I would like you to undress me," he whispered and closed his eyes for a few seconds, imagining what he had just said happening. It was still scary, but he could imagine doing it, of giving Wonhee the chance to still back out if she considered him grotesque. "But… I would like to turn off the light at first. I'll hold you and be here, so you don't need to feel scared."

"Really? I mean…" Wonhee let go and reached behind her, turning off the small table lamp and covering them in darkness. "It must be so weird to you that I'm excited, but I dreamt of feeling your naked body against mine. I just love you so much, Hyungwon." Wonhee pushed him to the mattress and climbed on top of him, warm fingers brushing over his neck and soft lips tracing their path. "You really look like my husband to be."

_Maybe this isn't your imagination for once. Maybe she really does want you, just the way you are._

'I wish I was,' he mouthed, not daring to speak it out loud and let Wonhee hear. The room was dark, so maybe she hadn't been able to tell how much he liked the pretence game they had played with their clothes. "I...really liked it when we hugged naked. It felt real and somehow just the way it should."

"Then let's do it again," Wonhee whispered, slowly unbuttoning his shirt before pulling it down his shoulders. Her lips were attached to every new patch of skin that she uncovered and after his eyes got used to the darkness, he glanced up, meeting her intense gaze as she took the waistband of his pants between her teeth, lifting it up from his hips just a bit before licking her lips and placing kisses along it.

He gasped, loud enough for the sound to remain in the air between them and join every single rustling of the sheets. Somehow Wonhee had the ability to pull the most intimate of sounds from his lips without regretting it. It didn't feel scary to be vulnerable next to her, to react and to feel aroused.

The need for fiction developed and he brushed his thighs together in an attempt to calm it a little, to be patient instead of hoping for Wonhee to get closer just the way she had before. Hyungwon felt greedy, but he couldn't help it, not when Wonhee kept showing so much desire towards him even though she knew.

When his eyes were finally able to focus, he reached out to stroke over Wonhee's naked shoulders and the straps of her bra. It was one that opened at the front, so he let his hands travel there before looking up and waiting for approval. Only when there was a brief nod, he undid the clasp and let the piece of clothing slip down her arms and land at the side of the bed. At first he hesitated to touch, but Wonhee's reaction encouraged him, the gasps that sounded when he cupped her breasts and rubbed over the dark nipples.

"I can't think about anything else but your sounds and how you shift under me, I love it so much." Wonhee moved back and leaned forward, slowly undoing his pants and pulling them down his legs, careful not to touch his underwear. After the fabric moved down his legs and Wonhee helped him with his socks, she crawled up, kissing along his thighs and leaving tiny marks with her sharp teeth before stopping right at the seam of his black trunks. "Can I?"

He swallowed and thought about whether he wanted this, whether he was willing to let Wonhee see, even if it was dark. The darkness wasn't enough to hide everything and they were going to be close, to embrace and touch.

_But you trust her._

He did. For the first time since his transition he didn't feel the full blown dread that had accompanied every single time that he had to show his body, reveal it even if it had been nothing to others.

Now the tables had turned. Now he was the one who accepted his body while others struggled to do the same. But somehow Wonhee didn't seem to be like that. She wasn't pointlessly curious or asked him to show her just to know.

_She seems genuinely aroused by you, by the real you and not a dreamt up version of you._

"Please," he replied and closed his eyes, focusing on the sensation of her delicate fingers.

He heard his own heartbeat hammering in his ears and felt her delicate fingers lift the tight fabric from his hips pulling it down his legs. His eyes were closed and when there was nothing for a few seconds, he thought that it must've been the point he had been scared of all along, but there was no rejection and no touches that caught him off guard, only a shift and Wonhee's hips that slowly lowered on top of his, letting him feel the heat between her legs after she had taken off her underwear and sat in such a way that he felt like rolling her body over himself.

"Is that okay?"

"More than okay," he murmured back and wrapped his arms around Wonhee's body, caressing her back all the way to her behind and back up. She felt so warm against him, soft and so much more than he could have hoped for. It seemed surreal that it was really him she was embracing and not another person while he observed. "I can barely breathe because I feel so much. You're- I don't even have the words."

"You are gorgeous. So beautiful. I want to kiss every single patch of skin and make you feel as good as you possibly can. I think your body is perfect. You are." Wonhee leaned down, letting him feel her soft breasts against his flat chest before her lips touched his and her hips rolled back to accommodate the new position. "Is there something that you would like to do?"

Hyungwon couldn't think of anything that quickly, nothing beyond his desire to roam his hands over Wonhee's body and to feel friction between his legs. "Does this feel okay to you?" he asked instead to make sure that he wasn't making this up, that Wonhee really enjoyed being this close to him.

_You want to touch. Touch… and be touched._

"Okay enough to feel a bit embarrassed about being wet while sitting on top of your groin and trying hard not to do anything major to not make a mistake. I- I like how you feel."

"I… don't really get wet, but I feel like I'm throbbing," he replied honestly and stroked over Wonhee's thighs and the curve of her butt. "Would you…"

He stopped before finishing his sentence, wondering if it was difficult to say it or to do it. A glance at Wonhee's face was enough to make a decision. He reached out and wrapped his fingers around her wrist before leading it to his chest, over his nipples and lower. Adrenaline rushed through his veins as he kept slipping past his stomach and hip bones all the way to the space between his legs. Just above it.

_Is it because you are scared? Is that why you do it when she can't really touch you?_

It was sudden and maybe he shouldn't have, but something inside him screamed for clarity, for a way to just show himself and know if he could be accepted the way he was or not.

Wonhee swallowed and left his lap for a few seconds before lying next to him, one arm wrapped around his neck, holding him close and pushing her free hand into his grip. "It's easier like this, I think. You can touch me too if it feels better for you," she whispered, kissing him right after.

_She cares so much, no matter what you do or show her._

Hyungwon kissed back vigorously to distract himself from the emotions in his chest that threatened to spill over. Wonhee was giving him the chance to decide how much she was allowed to do, to decide the pace.

_She trusts you too, enough to be vulnerable and still give you the space you need._

The gesture made it easier somehow, like there was no need to move on if he didn't want to. Still he did, eyes closed, lips caught in a kiss and hand leading Wonhee's fingers lower until they were able to slip between his legs, just enough to access his clit and make him shiver.

First he thought that he must've imagined it, but Wonhee moaned into their kiss following his lead and carefully applied pressure. She seemed so aroused from touching him that it felt like something made up, a day dream.

"Oh my god," he whispered, not sure what else to say and kept his eyes closed, breathing heavily. "Is- is this okay?"

"Mhm, I love how you feel," she whispered before reaching between her own legs and returning her fingers between his, carefully touching him just the way he showed her. It felt so much better because her fingers were wet and enhanced the sensation. "Do you like it, Hyungwon? Show me how you like to be touched."

He hummed, feeling aroused and nervous at the same time as he covered Wonhee's hand with his own and carefully moved her fingers over his clit, drawing circular motions that made him tremble. His body heated up in a matter of seconds wanting so much more while his mind was still in disbelief that Wonhee wanted to touch him.

"You like a bit more friction, right?" she breathed into his ear and tried to apply more pressure with her small hand. Her fingers sunk into his hair and she pulled, moaning again, letting her lips travel over his neck to his lips and licking into his mouth. "I feel like I’m burning from the inside, fuck."

_You feel the same._

Hyungwon couldn't help the loud exhales that left his lips and finally opened his eyes. He couldn't see much, only Wonhee's soft face and the form of her closed eyes, the length of her eyelashes. It was beautiful and at first he hesitated to close his eyes again. He had become too aware of the person he was with, about how close they were and how good it felt. Wonhee wanted to be close to him and for the first time he wanted the same.

"Me too," he gasped and shifted his hips to provide a better position for the motion of Wonhee's hand. He felt sensitive when her fingers slipped too low, but she seemed to realise quickly and turned him into a whimpering mess right after. Maybe touching like this was nothing to other people, but to him it was everything and more. "Please don't stop."

"I'm addicted to the way you sound," Wonhee breathed out and whimpered next to him, rubbing her thighs together. "I feel like I'm going to explode because you're making me so turned on."

"Let me- let me make you feel the same," he muttered and stroked over Wonhee's naked body, missing the wetness that had made it so easy for her to stimulate him. He used his free hand to remove her hand from between his legs and lifted it all the way to his lips, briefly licking over her fingers. Humming, he returned the delicate hand between his hands and did the same with his own, only that it slipped between Wonhee's curvy thighs. He enjoyed how wet she was, that he could tell that she wanted to be close to him.

_It's really the way she feels and you feel the same._

Wonhee didn't know what was going on inside his head, but he couldn't really explain it while feeling this good, so he merely pulled her closer and tried to give her what she was giving him. The pleasure that they shared.

"Am I weird for wanting to know how you taste?" Wonhee moaned right after, throwing her head back but still attempting to keep her hand in place, proving friction and some pressure and making sure it wasn't too much, by checking once in a while with her half lidded eyes.

_She's so careful even though you're burning under her fingertips._

"I want to taste you too," he admitted and inhaled the delicious scent of flowers once more while drawing circles between Wonhee's legs and rubbing up and down. At first he thought of just reaching towards his lips and tasting Wonhee that way, but it was unfair to her. After all, he was the hesitant one, the one who kept asking for distance but wanting everything but that.

Wonhee hissed, catching his hand between her thighs to prevent him from moving. "Would you like to do it together? At the same time? I can… I can show you if you're okay with it."

_At the same time?_

Hyungwon knew what she meant, but he hesitated at first, nervous that he wouldn't be able to make Wonhee feel good. "I've never- I've never touched anybody while being touched myself. What if it doesn't feel good enough?"

"Honestly?" Wonhee whispered before leaning back and staring right into his eyes. "I arrived at a point where your voice is giving me shivers and I'm about to combust because I want you so much. I don't think you can do anything wrong. Just don't put your fingers inside me, and you'll be safe. You can tell me if you don't like it and we will do something else. Okay? But you can also tell if you feel uncomfortable with my ass in your face."

Hyungwon smiled at that, unable to imagine a situation in which he wouldn't like to have Wonhee's naked body close to his face.

"I don't think I could feel uncomfortable between your legs," he whispered and leaned in to kiss those curved lips of hers. He enjoyed their warmth and how he could still taste a hint of the Choux they had eaten at the event. "Teach me."

She nodded and carefully let go of the strands of his hair that she had been holding in a tight grip. Smiling gorgeously, Wonhee climbed on top of him looking over her shoulder. She really resembled a flower with the azaleas on her back and traveling down her body. Licking her lips, the beautiful woman leaned forward and moved back, placing kisses on his thighs and covering them in tender bites before her hips stopped right over his face. “Can I?”

Hyungwon swallowed while keeping his eyes open and his hands wandering, stroking over Wonhee's hips and thighs. "Yeah," he whispered.

_What if she won't like what she sees?_

The thought was there, so his legs pulled together all on their own, hoping to reduce the damage.

Wonhee didn’t try to spread them, instead he felt her fingers that wrapped around his thighs and her tongue carefully drawing a line from his navel right to his clit. “Does that feel nice?” she asked before kissing the skin above it.

He swallowed before nodding and realising that she couldn't see. Maybe his gasps were enough.

"Yeah," he whispered again. "Very much."

“And this?” Wonhee must’ve closed her lips around his clit and sucked on it.

He cursed quietly as his eyes rolled back and he could barely breathe from the need to feel more. He didn't reply, but his hips lifted up all on their own as he reached for Wonhee's thighs and tugged to have her body closer to his face. He wanted to make her feel the same before he could lose himself, to hear her moan and get rid of his fears.

Wonhee figured quickly that he enjoyed it and mercilessly repeated it, playing with her tongue and rubbing it right where it felt good, lips vibrating and sending more arousal to his clit as she moaned without him actually doing anything.

_Is it the way you react?_

Hyungwon didn't have the strength to reflect on that as he used his tongue to lick between Wonhee's legs and stimulate her whenever he was able to. She tasted sweet and he liked it. The taste was in line with the scent that filled his nose and made him want to be even closer, so close that there was no space left between them. No space left to breathe.

"I want you," he murmured before rubbing his tongue over Wonhee's clit as he hummed. "I want you so much, it's scary."

Instead of a reply there was a breathy moan and Wonhee lowered her hips on her own to give him more access while stimulating him intensely, sucking on his clit and on the skin around it, placing tender bites around his thighs and using her nails to leave fine lines leading between his legs. “I can’t get enough of you, I want you so much, fuck.”

"Can I…" Hyungwon thought of saying it at first, but in the end he pulled Wonhee's hips even lower and sucked her small clit into his mouth, rubbing it with his tongue at the same time before letting go right after. He didn't want to overstimulate her and the way she moaned told him it was just right.

At the same time he struggled to focus because his whole body was burning, legs trembling and spreading apart further, the more Wonhee pleasured him. It felt so good when somebody else did it.

"It feels so good," he murmured right before moaning again and closing his lips around Wonhee's clit.

“You can let go, I’ll take care of you, I promise,” Wonhee muttered before putting her words into action and providing friction with her tongue and making him lose awareness for a few seconds as she sucked intently without a break and took the motions of his hips as he lifted them to have more.

Hyungwon's eyes kept fluttering shut and he gave up on keeping his rhythm. His fingers dug into Wonhee's skin, but he wasn't even aware of what he was doing anymore, body turning off everything besides from the burning between his legs that continuously gained intensity. When his orgasm was almost graspable, he held his breath, shaking through it as utter bliss washed over him and his vision turned white for a few seconds.

He wasn't sure what was happening around him, but the sensation of Wonhee's warm skin was the first thing that returned to him. That and the half-moon shaped marks on her thighs.

"I'm- I'm so sorry," he gasped, but his eyes instantly fell shut again. It felt so good, so fucking good and he couldn't believe that Wonhee had wanted to make him feel that way.

“You taste like heaven and I swear you are godly, just godly.” Swallowing, the gorgeous woman lifted her head and glanced over her shoulder. “You are, but I’m not godly and I feel like I’m going to scream if that tongue of yours doesn’t return to where it was.”

Hyungwon's eyes widened as he realised that instead of returning the favour he had been lying on Wonhee's sheets in utter bliss.

Instead of muttering additional apologies, he returned all of his attention to pleasing the woman that was able to make him lose his mind in a matter of seconds. He used his tongue and made sure to create just enough friction the way he had learned it from his limited experiences. When Wonhee's breathing began to speed up and transform into gasps, he increased his efforts.

His hands didn't stay still either, roaming over her soft body, the curve of her hips, her waist and back to her thighs. Hyungwon loved everything about it. He loved the way she smelled, tasted and reacted. He basked in the way she made him feel and at the same time allowed him to make her feel.

_This is so much more than you could have hoped for. Why do you feel so ecstatic, but at the same time you're so terrified to lose it?_

He had expected it, but still it was new, Wonhee's moans got louder and she buried her face between his legs and her hips moved the last few seconds before suddenly something happened that he hadn't expected and especially hadn't expected to react to with so many emotions at once. The beautiful woman had moaned something, something that he had never heard before, not like this.

It was a moan of his name. The name that he had chosen for himself because it was him. She exhaled it repeatedly because of the way he had made her feel, because she loved him without a hint of awkwardness.

The thought was new and strange at first, but even though he had never thought that there was anything apart from loneliness left for him, he was loved and accepted for who he was, for who he struggled so much to be and for the first time in what felt like an eternity, Hyungwon felt real.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 12

The warmth was disgusting and so comfortable at once that she couldn't be sure about it being part of a dream. A dream after drinking too much and falling asleep without taking off her clothes. Shifting a little, she realized that her motions were limited, her arms were wrapped around something warm and her legs seemed to be caught between warm thighs.

_You are not alone._

Opening one eye, she almost lost sight because of the bright rays of sunshine, breaking through the windows and landing right on her face. It took a few seconds to accommodate and not get angry at her slightly sweaty skin, the warmth that bordered on discomfort. But at the same time there was this feeling of calm, the satisfaction and joy of bearing that discomfort because it made it possible to wake up next to the person she loved.

_He is so beautiful. How can he be so beautiful?_

Hyungwon's face was otherworldly despite the light shimmer on his nose, the slightly dry lips and messy locks that covered his forehead and made him look vulnerable but at the same time like an actual angel. She felt a bit self-conscious lying naked next to him. To the perfection that he was. Pleasing each other in the darkness was different than waking up together, showing off every imperfection in such overwhelming clarity. She had so many imperfections, but he was simply perfect. He just wasn't aware of it.

_Won't he be uncomfortable because it's so bright?_

Panicking briefly, Wonhee wrapped her arms tighter and glanced around to identify a thin blanket that they had kicked to the side.

_Because you still don't know how to turn on the AC at this place._

Carefully reaching to the side, she grabbed the edge of the blanket and pulled it over their hips, in case Hyungwon woke up and felt scared and vulnerable. She didn't want him to feel that way. Instead, Wonhee leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on his plump lips that pulled into a pout that was so cute that she would've loved to catch it on film.

The sun suited him so well, making him even more beautiful, his golden skin and the stubble on his chin that she could see because she was so close. Reaching out, she carefully stroked over his jaw, his cheek, touching his eyelashes until his eyes suddenly opened and she got startled.

"Good morning," she whispered. "Do you want to marry me?"

“I-” Hyungwon murmured, voice so low that Wonhee felt like she was walking past several large trees and the wind whistled next to her ears. “Is this a dream? Because if it is then maybe I won’t get disappointed as soon as I say ‘yes’.”

"You would? Despite that shithole that I'm surrounded by?" she asked, shifting closer and intertwining their legs. "Because it would be like a dream come true. I never thought about it before, but you're that person to me. You're perfect."

Hyungwon smiled and Wonhee had never wanted to see anything every single second of the day as much as she wanted to see that smile. He reached out and pulled her closer, his long hair tickling her cheek. "I feel that way about you too, even if I know it won't be easy. Things are never easy with people like me."

"I could say the same about people like me, so marry me. Let's love and protect each other." Wonhee leaned in and placed a kiss on his mouth before taking his hand and kissing the thin ring she had put on his finger. There was some confusion surrounding the whole marriage proposal but she had never been more serious about something before. Wonhee knew that it was exactly what she wanted. Apart from a shower maybe.

"But I can't marry you like this, so I really need a shower, would you wait for me or would you like to come along?" Wonhee leaned back and winked like an idiot.

"I-" Hyungwon swallowed and Wonhee could see the conflict on his face until he slowly shook his head. "I'd like to stay in bed a little longer. But maybe… maybe next time."

Wonhee could tell that he was still nervous and unable to show himself, not in broad daylight and while standing in the shower next to her, but at least Hyungwon was honest with her. Honest despite the discomfort.

"It's okay. I still can't believe yesterday happened, a.k.a the best sex I've ever had. I just want you to know that I'm thankful that you trusted me so much. I- I really loved it." Blushing like crazy, she crawled out of Hyungwon's warm embrace and tried to be as graceful as possible, walking naked to the door and disappearing into the bathroom.

_Oh god._

She couldn't believe that the person in her bed wasn't a dream, that she didn't make it up, that they really got close like that yesterday and that he said he would marry her. Even if it was a joke, she liked it too much to acknowledge that it had been one.

_You're hopeless._

Washing her body and hair with the scented shampoo that Hyungwon liked, she felt more like a human and less disgusting in general, making sure to shave properly without cutting herself this time. It was one thing to run around with tissues stuck to your bikini area when you’re alone but something else entirely walking up to your boyfriend looking like you can't control your hands. Thankfully it turned out well and she walked out with a fluffy black towel wrapped around her torso, just to find Hyungwon dressed in his trunks looking through her wardrobe.

"That looks super soft," he remarked with a smile as soon as his eyes fell on her towel. "You really have a lot of clothes, but most of it looks like evening wear. Do you go out often?"

Hyungwon gestured inside her wardrobe and tugged at the bottom of her black Gucci leather dress.

_It can't be considered going out, can it? People go out to have fun._

Wonhee smiled and immediately stepped closer, wrapping her arms around him and placing a kiss on his shoulder. "I don't, but they get sent to me, so they hang in my wardrobe for no reason at all."

"You… don't even choose them?" Hyungwon looked shocked even though it was simply getting expensive clothes via the postal service. He must have thought of something because his lips pulled together into a thin line. "I think it's terrible when one is forced to wear whatever or to correspond to some ideal. My worst experience was working at a Bavarian restaurant and being forced to wear a Dirndl. I cried every night."

_Holy shit._

“I’m so sorry, it must’ve been horrendous,” she whispered and was trying to think of something remotely similar to show that she understood, but compared to Hyungwon, her problems seemed ridiculous. When she looked up, she heard the bell ring and got so startled that her nails dug into Hyungwon’s sides before she apologized and quickly looked around for her bathrobe.

_What if it’s that asshole again?_

Well, then she would need to actually kick him in the nuts or call the police. The ringing continued and she didn’t even have time to look at her phone and be remotely prepared for what could’ve rained down on her on this amazing morning.

Instead of the man that she despised with her all being, she was met with the pretty face of her best friend, inhaling sharply and pushing her into the apartment.

“Fuck, Wonhee. I told you. I did. Why do you only listen to people you shouldn’t be listening to?” Yeojoo hissed and kicked her heels into the right corner before walking down the hallway and rubbing her temples. “This is such a shitshow, fuck my life. Where is Hyungwon?”

The person in question was still standing next to her wardrobe, but fully dressed and Wonhee probably couldn't imagine how shocked he had been by another person coming by when he was vulnerable.

"And you are…?" he murmured and brushed through his long hair, looking effortlessly gorgeous as usual without even realising. He was back in his black suit pants and black shirt with ornaments, but hadn't bothered with the blazer.

Of course one could have assumed Yeojoo’s staring and freezing in place to be a sign of shock or surprise, but Wonhee had known her best friend for such a long time that it was painfully obvious what her reaction entailed.

_She’s in awe._

Clearing her throat and pinching Yeojoo’s slim forearm, she tried to return her best friend’s attention to herself, but it didn’t work.

“Oh my god,” Yeojoo whispered, licking over her mouth before finally getting her shit together and shaking her head as if to get rid of the thoughts that had been on her mind right that moment. “I’m Yeojoo. The one who started this whole shitshow, so I thought I had some responsibility for this. Nice to meet you, Hyungwon. Even though it doesn’t fit this fucked up situation, I have to admit that you’re literally the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen in my life.”

"Oh, thank you," Hyungwon murmured and the same bashful smile that had wrapped her around the man's finger reappeared on his face. He wasn't doing it on purpose, but genuine shyness was somehow attractive.

Hyungwon fumbled with the ornaments on his shirt and stretched out his big hand. "It's nice to meet you, Yeojoo. Thank you. Thank you for… enabling me to meet Wonhee." There was a hint of pink on his makeup free face and even though his skin-tone wasn't as smooth as it had been the night before, Wonhee even liked it more this way, genuine and without covering anything up.

“I am actually more sorry than anything else because I somehow felt this weird kind of dread in the pit of my stomach, but let’s talk about what we can do. You seem so chill, I’m actually surprised, I would be probably somewhere where nobody could find me crying. You’re remarkable,” her best friend muttered and she fixed her hair, trying to collect some bras on the way to her phone that lay on the bedside table before unlocking it and staring as if there had been a demon staring back at her. “You don’t know?”

_Huh?_

“Don’t know what?” It was so easy to destroy every single molecule of levity and replace it by heavy dread that settled in the pit of her stomach as she hurried past Hyungwon and took her phone, scrolling through Yeojoo’s messages, calls and countless articles that made her nauseous.

_It says you’re dating a woman._

There were some pictures too, pictures of Hyungwon that must’ve been taken before his transition. Pictures that she knew he didn’t want to see or think about and that were now all over the media. “Fuck. Fuck. What- what the fuck am I supposed to do?” she whispered and threw the phone on the bed before walking towards Hyungwon and getting on her knees, hugging his legs. “I’m so sorry, everything is my fault.”

“I- I’ll make a coffee, we will need some additional brain cells for this,” Yeojoo murmured awkwardly and left the room, leaving them alone in the rays of sunshine that had been so warm before and now felt like she was burning in hell for being the way she was, for being reckless and for hurting the person she loved most in this world.

"What- what's going on?" Hyungwon murmured and sank to his knees while removing her arms and wrapping them around his neck instead. "I don't understand. What happened, Wonhee? Are your parents angry because of what you said? I know that I'm no wedding material, I- I expected that."

“W-what? You- I have no right to be with you at all, I’m so sorry, I really am. It’s- the boulevard press found out about your transition and are trying to make a story out of it. It’s all my fault. I- I don’t know what to do but please don’t read it, just- just don’t look at it…” she whispered, tears collecting in her eyes because she felt so bad, so bad for Hyungwon who was the main target this time, who had his privacy exposed and was misgendered publicly.

_You can’t let this happen, you can’t._

Hyungwon didn't say anything, but his eyes widened as he inhaled through his nose, but didn't exhale. Thoughts were visible in his eyes, an increase in blinks, restless motions all over her face, as if attempting to find something.

"What story?" he finally asked, but his voice trembled, betraying his emotional state.

The mixture of sadness and guilt was so overwhelming that she couldn’t come up with a decent way to say it, so she just muttered the name of the article saying that she was dating a woman. “It’s my fault. It’s because I insisted on taking you along and they started digging and wanted to know more about you and I should’ve anticipated it and protected you but I just decided to selfishly enjoy your company. I- I need to ask Yeojoo for help, I am fucking useless alone. I’m so sorry, Hyungwon.”

"A woman, huh?" Hyungwon muttered with a chuckle, but it sounded so off that it physically hurt to hear it. He didn't focus on her, merely staring at a spot somewhere next to her on the floor while holding his breath.

"Fuck," she heard suddenly, broken and rough as Hyungwon covered his eyes with his right hand and sobbed out loud. Once, then twice before it got so quiet Wonhee didn't dare to make a sound as tears ran down Hyungwon's face. One after the other before dripping on the floor and leaving a dark spot on the wood.

At this point imagining a knife ripping through her own rib cage seemed like it would hurt less than watching Hyungwon like this. He didn’t even read what she had looked over but it hurt him so much to be treated that way over and over again that the thought alone must’ve been enough.

“It doesn’t mean anything, I know it doesn’t, but to me- to me you’re Hyungwon and to me you are real and I-” She sobbed too, raking her fingers through his hair and hoping to somehow ease the burning pain in his lungs that she could almost see in the way he breathed irregularly. “I will do anything I can to make them take this back. I promise, I will not sit back and watch.”

"I've- I've tried so hard, Wonhee. They don't care, they don't need to prove to anybody that they are 'real', that they are who they are meant to be. Why do I have to show that I'm 'real', why do you even have to say that to me?" The tears kept running down his face and Wonhee wasn't able to meet his gaze, not while he covered it with his palm and only drops appeared below his fingers. "Why do I have to be like everybody else to be acknowledged? I'm so tired, so fucking tired."

Suddenly there was a realization of how much effort it must’ve been for Hyungwon to exist among people who always wanted to know more. Who made him feel that he was so different that there was a need for an explanation. She too had wanted to know and asked him and treated him differently, expecting to be educated and forcing him to explain over and over again. She was part of the problem and still he did, he explained and he tried to make it less awkward, although she had been the awkward one in the first place. People didn’t deserve any explanation because they had the resources to educate themselves, to understand without forcing the person to relive trauma and feeling like they were strange, different, not enough.

“You don’t. You don’t have to, Hyungwon. I don’t want you to explain anything. You don’t have to explain yourself. It’s not their business. I’m just sorry that I have been such a bother to you too, but this is not right.” Wonhee hugged him and placed kisses over his palm that he held in front of his face. Suddenly she despised people so much that nausea crawled up her throat. They just acted out of selfish motives without thinking about the individuals who would get hurt and who most of all are simply tired of fighting against the injustice that they have to face every day. She didn’t have problems, but she knew how it felt if something felt like it was about to swallow her and there was no perspective or hope of changing anything, so you stayed still and let them hurt you.

“We will sue them,” Yeojoo commented from the doorframe, walking inside and awkwardly putting two cups of coffee on her make-up table between a bra and a used face cleaning tissue. “I’m so sorry, Hyungwon. My answer to humans who don’t behave like ones is always lawyers, because somehow scary formal letters sound more reasonable to them than actual decent communication. You must be so fucking tired of this. I’m sorry. People suck.”

"How will that change that the media has most likely erased my identity?" he whispered and rubbed over his eyes. "I don't care about people getting punished for what they do. I just- I just want peace and to not be misgendered for once. Everybody who reads that article will know, will automatically assume that I'm not who I am, simply because of who I was considered to be before. This-"

Hyungwon didn't finish and held his breath one more time, his whole body shaking.

“Mhm. You’re right. That’s why I called my lawyer and told him to shut it down, it will take a few hours for the online articles and they thankfully didn’t print it cause it costs more money. I can’t make you feel better though. I don’t think anybody can and I don’t think anybody genuinely understands what kind of damage they’re doing with it. I will try my best.” Yeojoo stared into nothingness for a few seconds before returning her gaze to them hugging on their knees. “Should I take you home, or do you want to stay here?” she asked, ignoring her completely.

_She really seems to care about him._

"I'm scared of being seen," Hyungwon murmured and Wonhee had never seen him like this before, shaking uncontrollably and eyes squeezed shut. He had been so carefree about going outside before, making his own clothes and even working as somebody who accompanied others to events. "I want to be home, but I don't know what awaits me. I just- want to be hidden away somewhere, far from everybody else."

_He wants to be away from everybody and from you._

The thought was so incredibly selfish, but she couldn’t help it and it was so typical of her to know about the wrong but doing nothing about it. Nodding briefly, she stroked over his shoulders and let go, trying not to show how anxious and devastated the situation made her, simply because she knew it was worse for him. So much worse.

“I understand it. I will drive you home and you can always call me if you get bothered. You might, but it will stop soon as soon as the injunction is approved.”

Yeojoo was so competent and strong, knowing exactly what to do while she cried on her knees and made everything worse. She had never felt as useless as she felt right then, when it was clear that she made the person she loved miserable and was utterly unable to fix any of it.

_Of course he wants to leave._

“Just- just write me or call,” she muttered, watching as Hyungwon got up and stumbled after Yeojoo. It was so quiet at some point that she could hear her tears drop to the wooden floor, showing that crying was literally the only thing she was capable of. Her gaze wandered towards the white wedding dress that she had carefully placed over the back of a chair, the only piece of clothing that she considered precious. All their warm words, the intimacy and whispered promises seemed like a hazy dream now, a fairy-tale that was never meant to be hers.

***

The first brick loosened and fell to the ground, crumbling into thousands of little pieces. Others followed, one by one and the person who enabled his wall to fall apart bit by bit was Wonhee.

Hyungwon had been scared at first, terrified that such a gorgeous woman like her, a woman that could have anything if she really wanted to, wanted _him_. That Wonhee wanted to be with _him_ even though he was anything but typical, certainly not the type of person who expected a happy ever after. He was neither of those things and Wonhee wasn't the picture perfect rich girl that everybody assumed her to be. She was lonely and caught in her situation, unable to free herself without risking the only life she knows.

Hyungwon understood and somehow Wonhee seemed to understand him too, to pick him up and hold him, allowing his protective wall to crumble. Maybe he imagined it, but each time Wonhee dared to step closer, to touch and feel him the way he was, the stronger the sensation of sand trickling down his legs became. Like an air balloon that was finally able to remove ballast to rise up into the skies.

Despite his fears he had moved closer, emboldened to show more of himself and be close to somebody else. He risked the self-love he had worked towards by showing himself to another person and giving them the opportunity to judge and hurt him. But Wonhee didn't, Wonhee had done her best to make him feel loved and appreciated. There was only a single thing Hyungwon had somehow forgotten over all this time that he spent with Wonhee.

Other people.

The two of them had remained in their bubble, pretending they had wings and could throw all the ballast that held them down overboard. He felt ecstatic when they were together and Hyungwon lived off it like air. He basked in kissing and touching Wonhee, in staying overnight and sleeping with her in his arms. He enjoyed the sight of her in a fluffy towel and wet hair, hoping to have more moments in which she embraced him and her soft body pushed against his gently. He wished for all those things, but every single time there had to be a wakeup call, somebody to remind him that he wasn't like everybody else, that he didn't deserve any of this.

_That you're a woman because that's what they see you as._

He didn't even see the articles, didn't see the words or whatever it was that caused Wonhee to break down in front of him and apologize. He didn't see any of it, but he didn't need to. He didn't need to know for sure to be able to picture it, to return to every single time in his fucking life that people felt the need to invalidate him and his identity. Every single time there had been somebody who considered him a freak, somebody who was convinced that he just lived as a man to have it better, that he went through pain for benefits and that he transitioned without even going all the way as he should have.

People had so many opinions on things that had nothing to do with them, on him, his body, his identity, his mental health. All of it was constantly ripped open and analysed over and over again without understanding. Hyungwon had explained himself countless times, to doctors, to surgeons, to therapists, to family, to friends and even to strangers. He had explained himself to strangers because telling them a single time had never been enough. Still, he was always misgendered, asked unpleasant questions or insulted for visiting the restroom.

Maybe staying in Wonhee's arms had been too good of a distraction, making him forget that no matter what, she was an exception. She was an exception and just because there was a single person that seemed to understand, there was no guarantee that others would, that she would even be willing to deal with the constant invalidation that Hyungwon experienced every single day.

He didn't want to cry, not in front of Wonhee and a person he didn't even know well, but there was nothing he could do. The flashbacks were so vivid, reminding him of the time during his transition that he didn't dare leave the house because he didn't want anybody to see. He remembered how it had felt to not even have the possibility to blend in through his looks and actions, to dress accordingly and maybe have people accept that he was a man.

_You put so much effort into being yourself while still trying to blend in, but now it will be all for nothing._

Walking out of the door and seeing neighbours that knew you before transition and didn't accept it was bad enough, but having the whole city you live in find out and see you as somebody that you are not made him nauseated. It felt like every single time that he had to explain himself but doubled, like screaming through a broken megaphone at a crowd of people that didn't even bother to listen.

Hyungwon couldn't focus on the words that left his mouth or on what Wonhee's friend was even telling him as he forced himself to place one foot in front of the next. Left, right, left, right, left right.

He repeated it until Yeojoo opened the passenger door of an unfamiliar car and asked him to get in. He did, still not saying a word and staring at the other cars inside the parking garage through the tinted window.

_Does any of this even matter anymore? Is there anything you can do at this point?_

He was tired, oh so tired of everything that could happen. His mind was quick to return to the desire to simply lie down in his bed and close his eyes, to forget about everything and maybe not have to open them again.

"Do you have food at home?" a voice that was higher than Wonhee's asked. "I could get you some. You don't look as if you want to go out."

"It's fine," he murmured and observed the people on the streets as they stopped at the traffic light. He wondered how many of them had bothered to read an article about somebody like him. If they did there was no way that they'd forget his face, that was the disadvantage of being memorable. Despite remembering, people deliberately addressed him wrongly or asked the same questions all over again. There must be an automatic erase button attached to his person, something that erased everything he said about himself and left his looks. Hyungwon only belatedly realised that he was probably being rude to Yeojoo and cleared his throat. "I'm sorry for being so quiet. Thank you for driving me home. It means a lot. I'm just- not really able to focus right now."

"You don't need to explain yourself, Hyungwon. I don't know you and you don't know me, I suggested it and you said yes. It's fine. I just want to make sure that you don't starve. Would be good if you told me your address though, cause I'm blindly navigating towards the D&D Wonhee told me about." Yeojoo chuckled without looking at him and turned into the street, driving past the said D&D.

"It's just one street further," he murmured and pointed at the side street where his apartment was located. It felt strange to come home now, like after a dream instead of a pleasant evening with his girlfriend.

"Understood." Wonhee's friend had been more willing to communicate when they were at her place, but maybe she thought he was strange for not talking at all. She stopped in front of his door and glanced around before turning to him with a smile. "We're here. You probably don't feel like eating anything but you should and if you can't bring yourself to cook, just drop me a message and I'll make sure to organise something. Here's my card, you can use the bottom number, it's fastest."

_She's so nice even though you're being terribly rude._

Hyungwon hummed and brushed his hair back, focusing on the way it fell back and brushed over his cheeks in order to keep himself from crying or breaking down even before he closed the door.

"Thank you," he managed to force out as he accepted the card and pushed it into the pocket of his pants. He had forgotten his blazer at Wonhee's but it didn't matter. Nothing really did because he couldn't imagine leaving the house or even moving at this point.

"It must be so fucking tiring to deal with that kind of cruel reality every day, but I hope that you can rest a little and maybe find a bit of strength in the people who love you."

_There is only one, isn't there?_

Hyungwon hummed briefly as Yeojoo kept talking. He tried to focus while his mind was already busy reminding him that he had left that one person behind without saying a single word.

"I can't speak for anybody but Wonhee, but her love is very pure. She's an all or nothing person and I hope that she can give you some strength. You can still contact me, I'm happy to have finally met you, even though the circumstances could be better. Take care."

"Thank you," he repeated again and climbed out of the car, wondering how he even deserved to have somebody like Wonhee give him strength if he wasn't capable of anything apart from hiding away at home and most likely crying. He still forced a smile onto his lips as well as he could until he walked through the front door and dropped all pretence. His legs carried him up the stairs two steps at a time, lying to him that the furious beating of his heart was because of the effort and not because of the thoughts inside his head.

As soon as he reached the right floor, he hurried towards his door and almost stomped on a letter that was carelessly thrown on the wooden boards. Hyungwon shouldn't have bothered in his current state, but still he bent down to look at it and felt goose bumps spread over his arms and the back of his head.

It was addressed to 'Miss. Chae', a letter from a doctor he had to visit for regular check-ups, a doctor who should have known better.

_A doctor who only adds to your pain instead of reducing it._

Hyungwon held his breath and stared at the ceiling, hoping to delay the tears, but it was too late already. His vision blurred and the burning in his chest was unbearable, just like the image of every single time that he felt this way repeating endlessly inside his mind.

His fingers shook uncontrollably as he fumbled with the key and finally managed to unlock the door and stumble inside. It felt safe at home, safe apart from the letter that he threw on the floor and tried to forget about. He was Hyungwon at home. All his official documents said Hyungwon, everything noted him down as male, his high school certificate, his degree. All those things that society cares about were adjusted, so why was it still not enough?

_Why do they still need to bring back the identity you don't want to have anymore?_

Hyungwon should have known better, should have tried to fall asleep without adding to his pain, but he laid down on his cloth-covered bed and pulled out his phone. He looked for them, the articles, the pictures, the things people said. He looked at them all even though he knew they were only going to hurt him. Not looking felt like lying to himself, like pretending that there were no problems even though every single site showed a school picture of him before transition, the picture of someone who looked like a tall lanky girl with long hair that was used for protection.

_But this isn't you. It's not you and still they are showing it._

He grabbed the blanket and tried to cover himself whole, to feel like there was nothing but the darkness below the covers, the security of blackness and his own living space. It calmed him down, but the pain existed independently of his comfort. It couldn't be influenced or reduced, not through his desire or sheer power of will.

_You have a single person that cares about you, but how could you expect her to deal with all this? You can't and it's not her fault either._

Wonhee blamed herself for the media showing interest, but with his other gigs it had been the same, only that he had never been more than an acquaintance. Being 'that transman I know' and being 'a boyfriend' were very different things and Hyungwon wished he wasn't such a failure at the second.

_You don't even know how she feels right now, only that you feel miserable._

Hyungwon had felt safe in the bubble he shared with Wonhee, mesmerized by how good it had felt to be appreciated for who he was.

Too bad that the thin film surrounding them hadn't been strong enough for just a little longer, just a little more warmth and acceptance.

Hyungwon was greedy like that.

_

The air was stuffy and the single ray of sunshine that managed to pass through his blinds wasn't nearly enough to be able to work properly, but Hyungwon still tried. His apartment wasn't high enough to escape curious glances and even though he had enjoyed the air by opening his full sized windows before, now it seemed risky.

_Somebody might see you and say something that breaks you even more._

The mere possibility was terrifying, so he didn't provide the opportunity. He simply lived with the limited light because his lightbulb gave up and he didn't dare leave the house. The small bedside lamp in the form of a bunny that he had bought himself at some point was just enough to not sew the fabric onto his fingers instead of the blazer he was working on. This was another crazy project of his, a sudden idea that nobody would buy at the boutique because it was created for one person only.

_You don't even know if she will wear it._

Hyungwon had spent the past two days locked up in his apartment without leaving it. He had written the woman he loved a single message, one in which he said that he loved her, but that he couldn't bear leaving the house, that the thought scared him too much to act and that it had nothing to do with his feelings for her. He didn't know if it sounded like an excuse, but it was the truth. He couldn't do it, not without risking the immobility and pain he had suffered from the first night, crying because he knew nothing was going to change no matter how much he fought it.

Wonhee must think that he hated her for putting him into the spotlight, but he didn't. Hyungwon didn't blame her for it, not after wanting to be next to her to protect her. He didn't blame himself either, because he had passed that phase in his thoughts, his tendency to assume that it was some tiny flaw in his behaviour that forced people to act that way. But that wasn't it. There was nothing about him or Wonhee that resulted in all of his past being presented to the public on a plate. It was society and as a single person Hyungwon was just too tired to fight it anymore.

Ripping the thread with his teeth, he examined the black blazer and imagined how Wonhee would look wearing it, how the suit pants would hug her curves just right and the white shirt he embellished would emphasise her slim upper body. He wanted to see her wear it, to know that he got the measurements right from his memory of holding her alone.

_You miss her so much, but still you cannot force yourself to see her. That's what weakness is like, isn't it?_

Just when the thought was about to trigger more self-destructive feelings, his bell rang, making him drop the needle to the floor.

_At least you didn't impale your finger with it._

The thought was good because it took away the anxiety that coursed through his whole body and made him tremble as he stumbled towards the door. It might be a package, but he hadn't ordered anything. There were no other possibilities other than a person that wanted to see him, somebody who might want to harm him.

_It wouldn't be the first time that somebody came to ask you questions about your transition._

Hyungwon hadn't told Wonhee, because he didn't want to make her uncomfortable. She would have blamed herself for the people at his door, even though it wasn't her fault.

Plastering a fake smile onto his lips, Hyungwon balled his fists to keep them from shaking and opened the door because nobody ever bothered to close the one downstairs.

_Hold your ground, that's what you have to do._

He had to lower his gaze a bit to see the black-haired woman that was wearing the same flowery dress that she had worn when she asked him to be her pretend boyfriend accompanied by the shoes he had made for her. The ones with the blue lilac. She wasn't looking up at first, fumbling with a big bag that she was holding before finally lifting her gaze with a shy smile.

"This won't take long. I just brought you some homemade food. Is it okay to come in?"

_Wonhee._

Hyungwon didn't look stunning the way he always tried to look whenever he met Wonhee. He wasn't even wearing decent clothes, only an oversized shirt and loose pants, but still he simply reached out and wrapped his arms around the short woman without asking. He should have asked, but his body acted faster and simply held onto her.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, "I'm sorry, I should have asked first, but I- I missed you so much." His eyes burned, but he squeezed them shut to hold it in.

"I don't deserve it, but I'll take it because that's how I am," Wonhee muttered in reply, almost dropping her bag by trying to hug him. "Let me put this inside or I'll accidentally squish the cookies and you deserve so much more than crumbs, Hyungwon."

Somehow the words sounded like so much more than just a comment about squished cookies, but Wonhee didn't let him see her face and walked into the apartment, placing the bag on the floor next to her feet as she untied the laces of her Chucks before slipping out of them. "I got you some juice and coffee but mostly it's pastries because that's the only thing I'm confident in."

"I love your pastries," he whispered, still in disbelief that Wonhee came all the way to see him even though he gave her nothing more than one message in two days. "I'm… sorry for not writing I- I'm not sure how to explain it. I barely got out of bed."

_It's not her fault, but still you punished her along with yourself._

"Honestly? I don't think you should feel bad for me. I understand. Not fully, but to the point where I get that my sadness is nothing against the systematic discrimination and invalidation that you have to face on a daily basis. I shouldn't have pulled you into that shit hole, so that one's on me and I could say sorry forever, but the damage is done, so I don't think it will make you feel any better." She kept talking as she unpacked the bag on his kitchen counter, pulling out freshly baked cookies that filled the room with their delicious scent, some orange juice, a few muffins and cake-pops. "Are you hungry?" she asked, glancing at the bed and staring at the suit. "You must've been working all this time."

"I- yeah," he whispered, wondering if Wonhee could tell that it was for her, that he had been thinking about her as he designed it. "But only since last night. I didn't sleep, I couldn't so I made this and… thought of you."

Hyungwon reached for one of the cake pops and closed his lips around it, surprised by how the sweetness made him so much more aware of how colourful his surroundings were, how bright Wonhee's dress was and how much he had missed the scent of flowers that stemmed from her neck.

"Would you try it on?" he murmured and closed his eyes for a few seconds, overwhelmed by how lonely he had felt until Wonhee walked into his apartment.

Something must've changed for Wonhee too and he could see it in her expression. It wasn't the stubborn, smart woman that he'd met at the charity event. There was more softness to her, more vulnerability but also some kind of confusing decisiveness that he hadn't seen before.

"Sure. I would love to. Do you think that it'll fit?" Wonhee reached for her zipper, bending her arm and pulling it down with strain. Before, she would've asked him to help out with a suggestive glance.

_She must know how you feel, that you can't right now._

It meant so much that Hyungwon stepped closer anyway and helped her pull the dress down her shoulders. "I hope so," he whispered and inhaled once more. "I tried to make it for you, remembering how you felt in my arms when you fell asleep but I hadn't yet."

"You keep giving me so much even though I didn't do a single thing for you. I thought about it, you know? Your message… I didn't question the authenticity, however, it felt more like the events of the past few days would have a stronger impact on our relationship. The way you left and all those things… I mean, I understand, I do, but I can't just disappear from your life, so, even if I become that one annoying friend or acquaintance, I'd rather be that, than not see you." He couldn't see Wonhee's face as she leaned down to take the suit pants and carefully put them on before reaching for the shirt.

Hyungwon thought about what to say to help Wonhee understand that he wasn't rejecting her, that he couldn't after everything she did for him. After she was the only person that treated him the way he wanted to be treated, that accepted him for who he was without questioning him.

"You're not an annoying friend or acquaintance," he replied and reached out to carefully stroke along Wonhee's arm, keeping her from putting on the shirt. "You're the person I love and that hasn't changed. I just don't know anything else. Whenever something like this happens it feels like I return to my pre-transition self, as if all that effort didn't matter and hasn't changed anything. The thought hurts so much. But it doesn't change the fact that I love you."

"I meant everything I said, so I won't repeat it, but you having to comfort me in this situation feels like I failed again. I'm sorry, Hyungwon. I just wanted to tell you that I made the decision to be by your side no matter what, to make decisions in your favour because you're the most important to me. I'm sorry for being useless, I want to become a better person for you and for me." She nodded and put on the white shirt, closing the buttons one by one. "I wanted to know how that feels, so I gave them my nudes. I wanted to understand at least a bit of what you might have felt. It's terrible and I'm so sorry. You must feel so helpless because it's overwhelming and there is no end to it, but I at least want to be close to you when the world is ending again. If you want me to be that is."

_She what?_

Hyungwon felt emotional at first, overwhelmed by how much Wonhee had begun to be aware of her own actions, of the way his past experiences made him feel. His mind circulated around her words, around the fact that she wanted to be with him even though the public didn't acknowledge him for what he was. All of those thoughts were there until he realised what Wonhee must have done to help him.

_She exposed herself to cover up for you._

"But why?" he whispered as dread crawled up his veins, dread because he understood what Wonhee would have to deal with. There was no mercy for the privacy that was exposed, the pictures that would be shared and the sudden disrespect people would have for her even though there was nothing that justified it. Wonhee was going to suffer and the reason was him, because she wanted to protect him.

Wonhee shrugged as if it was nothing and leaned down to take the blazer, piercing her finger with one of the pins. "Your clothes give me whiplash," she commented and chuckled before turning to the mirror across from the kitchen and looking at her reflection. "I caught myself thinking about my own misery and the reason was that I could feel it when you cried in front of me, but I couldn't feel it as soon as you were gone. Then there was only my own loneliness and dependency on your voice and your touch and your words. I got angry, realizing that it wasn't right, that you must've been so miserable and then… then I figured out the reason. I needed to experience something similar in order to actually understand. I did. It's not that I'm angry at people knowing the shape of my nipples, it's that they even want to know and then make you feel bad about it for long enough until you actually start thinking that there must be something wrong with you. That's why I want to be next to you because being lonely is the worst when the world is ending like that."

_She did it to understand you._

Hyungwon didn’t even know what to say, not after Wonhee purposefully exposed something intimate to the public in order to be able to understand him, to know what it felt like to have people ripping apart every cover and protection just to see your insides and ridicule them. He felt overwhelmed that Wonhee considered him important enough to want to understand and at the same time he felt for her, for the pain she must have experienced and the people’s words that easily got to one’s head.

_It is so easy to believe, to be convinced that something is wrong with you._

He didn’t reply at first, but stepped closer, just close enough to pause right behind Wonhee as she looked at herself in the mirror to see how perfectly the suit he created hugged her curves. Hyungwon dared to reach out and let his hands brush along her arms and finally wrapped them around her waist to hug Wonhee closer to his chest.

“Don’t listen to what they say,” he whispered and carefully placed a kiss on the shell of her ear. “It’s not true. None of it.”

_You have to share it, the reason for yearning to be alone all of the time._

Wonhee didn’t know. She probably couldn’t understand why, despite hating the loneliness, he needed it sometimes. Simply because most of the people around him weren’t able to provide him with the love for his body that he had struggled to achieve. Hyungwon had worked towards that all by himself and unfortunately other people were the most likely to break everything he had worked for.

“For me… being alone was also a protection. If I am on my own, in my apartment, then I can be the person that I really am and not what all these people see me as. When I am on my own, then I can remember why I did all of this, why I tried to change, but for myself and only to the degree that I consider right. Once I am out there… I am scared that all this work will be for nothing, that they will break the self-esteem that I worked so hard to achieve. Does that make sense?”

“It does. It makes you unable to move, feeling like the only thing you can do is to sit back and watch as everything you tried to believe about yourself and others falls apart. I think I came to realize the privilege of only assuming the bad in people without actually seeing or experiencing it every day and on every possible occasion. But you know… being with you makes me feel so much better about everything. You feel like coming home and I’ve never felt like that before.” Wonhee lifted her gaze and smiled at him in the mirror. “Would you like to come with me to a place I like? I understand if you don’t feel like it, but I baked a carrot cake that is in the car and wanted to take it to the kids.”

_She wants to take you along?_

“Won’t they…” Hyungwon stopped himself before actually asking. To be honest, he had never really encountered kids before, apart from the ones that bullied him in school when he was still a kid himself. He didn’t know how to act around them or how truthful he could be. He didn’t even know if he fit their stereotype of gender or not. He definitely didn’t for most adults.

_But you still want to see the place that makes her happy._

“I’d love to go with you,” he replied and brushed a strand of Wonhee’s hair behind her ear, showing more of her jawline and adding more effect to her reflection in the mirror. She looked beautiful and he felt proud of the way he had designed the suit, conforming to her body and emphasizing her charms. “You know, usually I am afraid of having my hard-earned confidence taken away, but… I do not have that fear with you. Not anymore. You seem to be the opposite, building me up when I feel like breaking down. Thank you so much for coming, Wonhee.”

“I love you and I hope that you know. I will never take you anywhere you could be harmed. I don’t think the clinic is a place like that. I’m always happy there. I considered that my home before, now it’s you, but I want you to meet them. It gives you back your faith in humanity, it's hard to explain, but that's what it feels like. I’m excited to see what you think.” She gestured at his body and winked. “Want to wear that, or something else? It doesn’t really matter, not to me and not to them either.”

_Her in a suit and you in baggy clothes that don’t matter._

“Want me to wear a dress?” he asked and smiled before simply pulling his shirt over his head and making his way towards the hanging wardrobe. He only belatedly realized that he hadn’t considered that Wonhee was in the room, that even though it was barely lit she was still able to see him.

_She must make you feel at ease, enough to forget about your worries, even if just for a few seconds._

“Wear whatever you feel comfortable in,” she commented and leaned against the door, observing him with her dark eyes.

_Does she mean it?_

For a brief moment he thought about it, considered going along with Wonhee in a suit and him in a dress, but in the end he couldn’t do it. The reason was simple. They weren’t only going to a place Wonhee felt safe. To get there they had to pass through his stairway, past his neighbours, past the people outside that were going to stare, to pass judgement and even if they didn’t bother to say them out loud, Hyungwon still knew exactly what they thought. Their gazes were going to tell them much more than he wanted to know and despite feeling at ease next to Wonhee, he didn’t quite feel at ease everywhere else.

He hummed and reached for one of his favourite black shirts that he had altered by incorporating sheer fabric in the front and adding embellishments to the arms and on top of the shoulders. The jeans were his favourite ones, with lace covered rips.

“This should do,” he murmured and smiled. “I’m not quite there yet, but maybe I will be someday.”

“You can become my husband, wearing the most beautiful dress,” she replied and turned around to slip into the embroidered sneakers that looked stylish with the suit. “It feels like your journey hasn’t ended and you continue on, finding more pieces of yourself and making decisions to become a more authentic you. I’m so happy that I can be with you for part of the way.”

“You’re more of a help than my therapist is,” he commented and chuckled, hoping to lighten the mood a bit. He was being truthful. Wonhee had given him more confidence by loving his body the way it was and even wanting to touch it and make him feel pleasure. His face heated up just thinking about it, so he quickly stuffed his keys and wallet into his pockets to distract himself. “I really wish it would be possible someday. To wear whatever I feel like without any assumptions. Without me suddenly being a ‘fake’ for wanting to wear a dress or shaving instead of having a beard.”

“It’s so fucked up,” Wonhee whispered and laughed loudly right after as they walked down the stairs. “Women are expected to shave even though we’re all hairy, aren’t we? Some more, some less, but how is having body hair a gender expression? It makes no fucking sense whatsoever. I hate it here. But you’ll see something different today, it’s like a small island where humanity still exists and I cherish it so much even though it also makes me incredibly sad.” The short woman looked gorgeous, walking around her luxurious car and sitting in the driver’s seat before turning the engine on that sounded like an overly loud orchestra.

“According to gender norms you probably look more like ‘a real man’ than I do right now,” he murmured with a wink and sat down in the passenger seat, wondering what Wonhee meant. She must mean the children, probably because they made her happy. Maybe it was because she was doing something that had meaning, something fulfilling and by helping the children Wonhee was able to have those feelings. Hyungwon couldn’t be sure whether he was capable of feeling the same, but he hoped that he would be able to share her happiness. “I’m looking forward to seeing the place that makes you happy.”

"I'm having my selfish moment right now, being ridiculously happy that you don't consider me your annoying friend and I'm loving this suit. It fits me so well. But I liked the dress too, I could pretend that you'd actually marry me." Again, Wonhee chuckled, paying attention to the road that led her along the circle highway around the city towards the children's hospital. "You know what I love about my little friends? That they are inherently free of judgment. I'm not sure if it comes from the situation they're in, but they don't try to make you feel bad and gain confidence from that, they just- exist and expect you to do the same."

"That sounds really nice," he whispered quietly and meant every word. That was what Hyungwon hoped for the most, to be able to simply exist without any expectations or misconceptions about him. Without being sorted into a box according to gender, clothes or behaviour. "The kids I knew weren't like that. Or maybe they were in this world for too long already. Who knows."

"One of the psychologists in the palliative ward said that we are everything we learn. We learn and we can unlearn, so you learn judgment and unlearn it in some cases. I mean- it must've been hard for you, feeling like you were not a woman but being socialised like one, treated like one, or not?"

"I simply told myself that something must be wrong with my brain because I felt disgusted with myself. It wasn't as bad when I was a child, because I somehow thought I could choose. Except that I couldn't and it only got worse." It felt strange to talk about it, mostly because people rarely asked. People were interested in what kind of surgeries he had, not what it felt like to grow up in the wrong body.

"I don't think I can say that I understand because I don't, I never questioned my gender or identity, I hated myself, yes, but mostly for being a coward. I admire you so much for being so strong and for doing so much to be yourself. You're so authentic and I’ve loved that about you since the first smile." Wonhee parked in the big hospital parking lot and left the car before running around it and quickly opening the door for him. "Mr. Chae," she smiled and bowed with a sophisticated gesture. "You're the most stunning man I've ever met."

Hyungwon swallowed down the emotions that welled up in his chest. His fingers betrayed him as they trembled at first and turned white when he grabbed the seat to get out of the car. Wonhee was stunning and the longer he observed her bright face and the smile on her lips, the more he understood what made him feel so at ease next to her.

Not even once had it mattered to her who society had expected him to be all these years. It only mattered who he was now.

Hyungwon.


	13. Final Chapter

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CHAPTER 13

The voices she had never really heard, faces that she had never seen in person kept insulting her, repeating things that she had read on the internet about every single part of her naked body, her assumed preferences, her sexuality, her weight and shape. They tried to reconstruct the blurred parts to have more to talk about, to make her feel worse, worse and worse until there was nothing that belonged to her. Nothing that was private anymore.

_Your lawyer told you it would be harder to sue if you did that, but you still did._

Sharing pictures of her naked body had been an impulsive decision because she wanted to know what it was that Hyungwon had felt so many times. It seemed to be a crucial part of him, important enough to leave a mark on how he lived and reacted to things that happened to him. How could she be of any help if she had never experienced anything like that?

_Now you have an idea and it’s so terrible that you can’t look at yourself in the mirror anymore._

She couldn’t have anticipated the impact of those written words on her self-esteem, her view on her body and herself. Now she wanted to see her little friends, mostly because she felt the need to share her special place with Hyungwon and also because she promised Linda to bring him along.

_She has a lot of questions to ask._

Wonhee felt ambivalent. On the one hand there was a certain sense of closure that came from finally charging that piece of trash for rape but on the other she experienced a complete lack of self-esteem, making it hard to be a support system for Hyungwon and not start crying as soon as he hugged her.

_They make you feel so worthless with their words. You thought you could handle the self-loathing better, but you were wrong._

During the walk from the car to the clinic, she looked at her shoes, the blue lilacs and how they moved with every step, one, two, one, two as Hyungwon carried the cake.

“Do you know why it’s so special here? Because at first, you feel awkward. You feel awkward because suddenly you realize terminal illness actually exists and if kids can have it, you can have it too, even though you live as if you’re invincible. It takes some time to free yourself from that feeling of being weirded out and scared and then you can fully enjoy being able to accompany them on their way, to make them smile and laugh and contribute to their happiness just like they contribute to yours. This was the place that I remember feeling happy for the first time. Do you have a place like that too?” They entered the hospital and she walked along the familiar hallway, greeting the nurses and taking the elevator to the third floor and the pediatric oncology ward.

"I'm not sure," Hyungwon whispered and played with his hands. He seemed awkward, but Wonhee couldn't tell if it was the clinic or his thoughts. "Somehow I feel like you are that place, but I don't want to burden you."

“It’s not a burden, it’s another bit of happiness for me,” she whispered and smiled brightly, trying not to look into the mirror, even though wearing the suit Hyungwon made gave her a better feeling about herself than her own clothes. “I want to give you more happiness. Are you excited?” The doors opened and she took his hand carefully, slowly intertwining their fingers before pulling him along the hallway to the restroom. They had to disinfect their hands and wear masks but Hyungwon looked gorgeous in anything, she helped him to do things in the correct order.

"I'm nervous," the low voice whispered back before Hyungwon smiled a little. "But also excited."

“I understand that. I’m super excited, I told them so many things about you.” Wonhee fixed the fit of her mask as she walked towards the play room where they usually met, carrying the cake this time. Some of the kids were already there. Lisa was drawing a picture and Eric was trying to put hearts in the bottom corner. It was funny to see and she could have observed them for ages, but she had missed them and announced herself by clearing her throat and drawing the kids’ attention to herself and Hyungwon.

“Look what I got,” she commented and lifted the cake, simultaneously pointing at Hyungwon who looked a little bit lost.

“Wow! Is that Hyungwon? He’s so tall!” Eric yelled and got hit by Lisa who always made sure the rules were enforced correctly. She could still remember the first time she came, feeling so insecure and weird for having hair or being healthy, none of it was left now and it made her feel a little more at ease about herself.

“Nice to meet you, Hyungwon! We are so excited to finally see you!” Lisa stood up and walked up to Hyungwon, stretching out her small hand. “You can shake my hand if you disinfected yours.”

“You won’t die from shaking a hand,” Eric commented, shaking his head. “You’ll die from pneumonia.”

"I- I disinfected them," Hyungwon stuttered and grasped Lisa's hand to shake it firmly. It looked even smaller in his than it did in hers. "It's nice to meet you too. What's your name?"

“Oh, I haven’t introduced myself. I’m Lisa, but I will say hello from Clara too because she went to the palliative ward and probably won’t come back. That one at the table is Eric, and Linda will come in a bit because she needs to take her afternoon pills. She was waiting to see you, so please wait for her. You are very handsome, even wearing a mask, but Wonhee showed me pictures on her phone.”

Wonhee smiled at Lisa’s antics and her adult behaviour before sitting at the table and grinning at Eric, who grinned back. “We are planning a big group hug event when we are all healthy enough and are allowed to. Do you want to participate?” she asked Hyungwon, who hurried and sat next to her. He must’ve felt awkward. She understood because it was strange to see children talk about death so freely, about losing friends to terminal diseases, about pills and naturally dealing with things adults were so incredibly afraid of.

"I'd love to," he replied and fumbled with his fingers. "I'm sorry for being so quiet, Lisa. I just don't really know what to say. Usually I only talk to clothes about how nicely they turned out." Hyungwon smiled and despite the mask Wonhee knew it was the bashful kind.

“I understand that. I talked to Clara before, but now she’s gone and it’s lonely without her. Do you make dresses too? Could you make a dress for me when I’m healthy? I want to wear it when I leave the hospital, like a princess that escaped and walks out with her head up high.”

“Her bald head,” Eric commented and giggled.

“She’s still a princess, it doesn’t matter if you have hair or not, how does that affect who you are? It makes no sense. If she had no brains, like you, then I would agree, but she’s smart and brave, so she will be beautiful anyway. Right?” Lisa looked at Hyungwon, blinking with her big, blue eyes.

"Yes, she will definitely be beautiful," Hyungwon replied, but it was barely more than a whisper. "I made a wedding dress for Wonhee before. This suit… I also made it."

“Wow! This is amazing! You must be so popular if you can make such pretty clothes! When are you getting married? I want to come to your wedding too!”

“Me too,” Linda muttered from the doorway before walking into the room and sitting next to Eric. She was shy, but Wonhee hoped that it would get a bit better if they stayed longer. “Hi, Hyungwon. I’m Linda.”

Hyungwon must have gotten used to their direct manner as he smiled brightly and stretched out his hand carefully. "Hello Linda, it's really nice to meet you."

Maybe it was Linda's shyness. Wonhee remembered how easily Hyungwon had taken the lead when she had been unsure when they first met.

She was proven wrong, because the lanky girl lifted her gaze and stared at Hyungwon for a few seconds before addressing him.

“When did you know that you are a boy?” she asked and Wonhee swallowed, hoping that it wasn’t too much for him, but Linda was such an amazing human, and the question didn’t require any explanation, only a reply, so she sat back and placed her hand on top of his thigh under the table.

Hyungwon paused at first, humming briefly to give himself more time to think. He didn't remain that way for long and Wonhee could see how his gaze softened. He must have understood what Linda meant with the question.

"I long as I can remember I told my mother that they must have mixed me up and that we have to go get it fixed," he replied eventually and from the motion of his jaw, Wonhee knew he must have been chewing on his cheek. "The fact that I don't remember when it started must mean it was early. At first it was kind of okay, but as soon as I turned 10 it… got pretty bad."

“I’m eight now. First I thought I got cancer because I wasn’t supposed to be born, so God decided to take me back, but when my hair fell out, I felt so happy. I had long hair, longer than Lisa’s, but she said she cried, and I like myself like this more. I also like it when new nurses think I’m a boy. Wonhee told me that you had to do many things to become yourself and I think I also need to do something to become myself.”

“You mean you want to be a boy? But why? Look at Eric.” Lisa shook her head and lay on the table, glancing at Linda who kept her gaze on Hyungwon.

“It’s not that I want to be like somebody. I just want to be like me,” Linda muttered, crossing her arms and looking to the side.

“I think it’s like you don’t want to be robbed of your princess status just because you don’t have hair, Linda doesn’t want to be robbed of the way she feels because you think it doesn’t make sense. She feels like that, so maybe we can help her feel even better, what do you think?” Wonhee chewed on her lips and hoped that the topic didn’t make Hyungwon uncomfortable because it must’ve reminded him of his own struggles as a child and adolescent.

Lisa thought, drawing patterns on the table with her little finger. “I mean, I don’t care. If she likes to be bald, she can be bald. I just don’t like boys but I like Linda.”

"Maybe you just don't like a particular boy," Hyungwon replied, still smiling before turning to Linda. "I… know how it feels when you just want to be yourself, Linda. Is there anything else that makes you feel better? You said you like it when the nurses think you are a boy."

“I thought I could choose, I don’t have to be a boy, it’s just that it feels like I’m not a girl for sure. I asked but my parents said that I’m a girl and that’s it. Why can’t I choose? I wanted to ask you because you’re a boy but people thought you were a girl too, so I wanted to meet you to see if it’s just a fairy-tale or not. I just don’t want my hair back if it’s somehow possible. You look good with long hair, but I don’t like mine. People keep telling me that I’m such a pretty girl. I hate it.” Again, Linda crossed her arms and huffed. “But- do you feel better now?” the little girl asked as her features softened.

Hyungwon's eyes looked emotional even though the smile remained on his lips. Wonhee could see how he reached for Linda's hand to squeeze it carefully.

"I do," he whispered before repeating it louder. "I do, I feel so much better, Linda. It- it's not easy, but I'm happy that I did it."

“It's always better to be yourself instead of trying to be somebody else.” Wonhee smiled and finally stood up to unpack the cake and cut it into thin slices. She used very little sugar but hoped that the kids would still like it. “We are simply not all the same, which is actually amazing. Eric is quiet, but always manages to give me a letter when I’m about to go home, Lisa always makes sure that all rules are being paid attention to and Linda is attentive if any of you feel bad and tries to help. We are all different but it’s beautiful and I love you all.”

“I actually really like the name Linda. Do you have to be a girl if you’re called Linda?”

Hyungwon shook his head, still smiling. "You don't have to, but people might assume that you are. My name was also not Hyungwon before, but I chose it because it feels like me. If Linda feels like you, then you should keep it."

“That’s so cool that you can choose a name that you like!” Lisa commented, happily stuffing a piece of cake into her mouth. “But you look like a Hyungwon to me.”

“Mhm,” Linda hummed. “I want to be brave and handsome like you when I grow up.”

"L-like me?" Hyungwon's eyes widened and he seemed genuinely surprised. "Why like me and not Superman, or Spider Man or literally any Avenger?"

“Because you are handsome and smart and because you are real. Real people get hurt and die, superheroes don’t, so why would I compare myself to a superhero if I’m a human?” Linda shifted closer on her chair to see Hyungwon better as she got a piece of cake for herself and put one on Hyungwon’s plate too.

"Thank you so much," Hyungwon replied, but left his mask on without eating. "I always liked animals, because somehow nobody cared too much if they were boys or girls. It didn't feel like they had to be either and I liked that. I pretended to be a frog or a snake, anything that couldn't be identified easily. The most important thing is what you think you are. If you think you are a boy, then that's what you are. If you think you are a girl, then you are one. And if neither seems to be what you are, then you don't have to be either."

Linda bit off a gigantic piece of carrot cake, leaving crumbs on the table and earning a scolding from Lisa before spreading her lips that were covered in cake, murmuring ‘This is amazing’ and looking so happy that she wanted to kiss Hyungwon right there for putting such a gorgeous smile on the child’s face.

The atmosphere was relaxed as the kids said goodbye before heading out for their next treatments. Linda hugged Hyungwon briefly before leaning back and straight out asking when their wedding date was because they all planned on attending.

"We'll- think about it," Hyungwon answered, stuttering a little and quickly adding that he hoped it was really soon. Wonhee could feel his fingers against her wrist before they intertwined with her own.

“We will definitely do the group hug before that, promise!” Wonhee laughed and waved the kids goodbye before disposing of the masks and entering the elevator. Wonhee felt happy and sad at the same time because leaving always felt scary to her. “I’ve asked to see Clara too, but it isn’t possible anymore. I keep promising shit without actually keeping it.” She sighed and leaned against the railing as the elevator went down. “How was it?”

Hyungwon hummed at first, probably feeling the same about Clara before looking at her in wonder. "They… didn't even ask about the person I was before. Why? Why didn't they ask what my name was, why I stopped being a girl? They asked none of those things literally everybody else keeps asking me. Why?"

Wonhee smiled because she had expected that to happen. Kids were curious, but it was an adult thing to dig in the past. “You didn’t ask them how they looked before getting cancer, what kind of cancer they have, what kind of therapy they get, how many times and whether they wanted to do something before getting terminally ill. You just accepted them the way they existed in that hospital room in their current situation with their fears and dreams and they accepted you too. That’s what I meant by existing and expecting nothing but existence from somebody else. They’re stunning humans and I really love them.” Fumbling in the pocket of her suit, she pulled out a messily folded piece of paper, reading the letter that Eric gave her as they walked out and almost reached the car. “Eric says that you are a ‘cool guy’. What do you think about that?” she chuckled, sitting in the driver’s seat.

"I think that during those minutes you let me be part of, I have felt more accepted than the past four years," Hyungwon replied and rubbed his eyes, pretending that he was simply rubbing them and not containing his emotions. Wonhee could tell from the way his big eyes seemed glassy and he glanced up a few times, holding his breath. "Thank you, Wonhee. Really. I see why it is a place that makes you happy. I think it makes me happy too."

“Thank you for making Linda happy. We had many talks together, she’s shy, but has a very specific understanding on how she sees the world and herself. I’m saying her because that’s what she’s used to. Her parents aren’t very educated on that topic, so it will be hard, that’s why I’m so happy that she’s seen you and could talk to you. It meant a lot to her and to me too. Thank you so much.” The brief smile was the last effort she felt she could make as she leaned back in the seat, closed her eyes and simply cried because everything was too much and she felt like breaking down. She really didn’t mean to, but it was too late and so painful that she didn’t dare to open her eyes and look at Hyungwon.

“I- I’m sorry, it’s just-” as expected she couldn’t finish and simply continued crying quietly, without making a single sound. Like a princess.

"It's okay, you don't need to apologise," Hyungwon whispered and simply wrapped his arms around her as well as he could, pulling her closer towards the passenger seat. "Maybe… the bubble doesn't need to pop. Maybe we are the ones creating it, over and over again."

"It never popped for me, it's just people trying to rip it by hurting me or hurting you. I hate it. You must be still so bothered by what happened and I'm here crying for no reason, I'm really sorry." She inhaled and held her breath to get a hold of herself. "But if I'm getting the shares from that asshole, I'm going to make a trans therapy fund and open a cake cafe and move into a small apartment with you."

"You're not crying for no reason, Wonhee." Hyungwon was still holding her tightly and raking through her hair. "You've been hurt and you made yourself vulnerable just to try to understand me. This time it's about you and it's okay to cry. I've been on my own and lonely, but that was also my choice. I could have called you, but I didn't feel ready to. Still, you were the one who came to me and fought for me and even showed me the source of your happiness. You are strong, Wonhee. Really strong and I envy you for all that strength that you have."

"How can I become a support system for you if I'm such a mess?" She held her breath again, getting anxious and angry, just like the moment she opened the letter from their family lawyer.

_You intuitively kept your own and now it's paying off._

"By being there for me when I need you and letting me be there for you when you need me." Hyungwon kissed the top of her head and chuckled because their position was rather awkward. "You're not meant to be the wall that shields me from the outside. You're the person whose hand I want to hold when the eggs come flying. Not sure that made sense, but what I'm trying to say is that just because I live like this, it doesn't mean that I cannot take care of you."

"I just feel so helpless because I can't look at myself in the mirror after reading all those things about myself, I was barely able to take off my dress today, this is so fucked up."

Hyungwon hummed, but didn't reply immediately. Only his hands kept roaming from the top of her head to the back of her neck.

"Because if you hear something often enough you start to believe it," he whispered eventually and kissed her temple. "You're beautiful, Wonhee."

She imagined that if Hyungwon said something nice and touched her, everything would return to the way it had been but it didn't, because life wasn't that easy and trauma didn't just disappear because somebody told you that it was all lies. It stayed and made you feel worthless and scared that the person you wanted to be close to the most, felt the same disgust and shame looking at you.

She inhaled and exhaled slowly, making sure to calm down enough to drive, before she smiled and turned the engine on in an attempt to drown out her thoughts. "Thank you for saying that," she whispered and pulled out of the parking lot.

Hyungwon hummed again, but his eyes didn't leave her face.

"Even though it doesn't change anything," he whispered and reached out to squeeze her thigh. "Words do nothing, they didn't for me either. But seeing the way you react to me did, because you cannot fake that. I'll show you how you make me feel, Wonhee."

_You can't. You'll just cry._

"That sounds nice. Maybe next time, I have a lawyer’s appointment in an hour and have to fill out forms for the lawsuit. I'll drive you home and then get going. Thank you so much for coming with me today. It meant a lot." Wonhee paid attention to the road, wondering whether she had to give back the clothes. "Do you need the suit back?"

Hyungwon shook his head and smiled, fingers still squeezing her thigh. "It's yours, not mine."

"Okay," she said, stopping right in front of Hyungwon's door. "We're here."

_You are so awkward because you can’t be honest about your self-disgust and how you feel like all those people simply ripped you apart without leaving a single bit of your dignity left._

"Okay," Hyungwon echoed and seemed a little awkward as he slowly removed his hand from her thigh and glanced around for things he hadn't brought along in the first place. "Please take care and… call me if you like."

It felt strange, but she couldn't help it. Wonhee couldn't act as if she was okay, going up with Hyungwon and being close because it seemed like her ability to do that disappeared due to the harsh words and criticisms of her most private body parts. It had been okay and safe to be with Hyungwon, but now everybody has seen her and their judgment hovered over her every thought, pushing down like a heavy burden and making her unable to like a single thing about herself.

How could she like anything, if nobody else did?

"I will," she whispered after the door closed.

***

The swollen eyes were familiar and so was the halfhearted smile. Only when it was directed at the children, did Wonhee's cheerfulness come close to what Hyungwon remembered. It still didn't quite reach the vibrant shine that he missed and loved, not the one he saw before the media decided to get involved in their relationship.

_You know the signs because you've felt the same before._

Wonhee's sudden insecurity to take off her dress, the way she tried to keep at least a bit of distance between their bodies and trembled a little, as if scared that Hyungwon was going to feel it or find out the things that were detestable about her body.

_Is this what your insecurity seemed like to her?_

It felt lonely to return to his apartment even though it had been his safe space all this time. Even though he enjoyed the solitude sometimes, it felt empty without Wonhee, without knowing that she was feeling fine back at the place that didn't feel like hers.

_She found the strength from within herself before while everything around her was detestable. Where is she meant to take the strength when the inside has been ripped apart like that?_

Hyungwon unlocked his apartment door and discarded his shoes, still thinking about Wonhee and their awkward parting. Wonhee hadn't been able to share with him, to let him know that she felt insecure about herself and therefore unable to have him around.

_Usually you would have applied it to yourself, assumed that she doesn't want you anymore._

Maybe it was the intimacy they shared before, the times that Wonhee said she needed him and how unsure she had been about their relationship. All of it gave Hyungwon confidence. It gave him the strength to know that despite his worries and fears it was Wonhee who needed him the most right now.

_You cannot leave it like this, not after she shared her happy place and showed you how easily the cheerfulness disappears as soon as she leaves it._

His hands were quick to slip into his pockets and pull out his wallet and everything valuable. He didn't know how much time he had, but if he wanted to get to Wonhee without seeing other people, he needed to figure something out.

The fear was still there along with the memories of the article he had read, the pictures he banned from his mind and the written confirmation that there had been a time when he considered simply giving up on living. It was all in that article and the mere thought of somebody identifying him with his past self-caused nausea.

_But you have to go. You cannot leave her alone with those thoughts._

Hyungwon's mind was racing, trying to come up with a way to fight his own discomfort and at the same time be able to fight Wonhee's.

_There is only one person you can call._

Normally, he wouldn't have considered it. Ever. Even the location of the small card that he pulled from the darkest corner of his wardrobe revealed how unlikely it was that he would call.

Yeojoo's card was still undamaged and the phone number could be read easily, no excuse for his terrified mind to back out. Hyungwon's hands were shaking when he finally dialled the number and listened to the long tones on the other end.

_What will you do if she denies you?_

“Yeojoo Yoo,” the pleasant voice introduced the woman on the other end of the line. “Who am I speaking to?”

"Ehm," he started and immediately felt insecure because Yeojoo sounded incredibly professional and he didn't even know if he had the right to ask her to play driver for him, or to ask for literally anything. "It's- it's Hyungwon."

“Oh, hi Hyungwon! Is everything okay? There shouldn’t be any articles anymore. At least not about you.” There were a few seconds of silence on the other end before Yeojoo spoke again. “But can I do something for you?”

_Of course she knows that you wouldn't call just like that._

"I'm sorry for making it obvious," he murmured and genuinely felt bad for somehow using Wonhee's friend like that. "It's- it's not about me actually. Do you think you could… help me to get to Wonhee somehow?"

_You're so demanding._

“You would like to visit her? Sure, wait let me look at my calendar.” Again there was silence and he stared at the floor, counting the wooden panels to distract himself from being expectant towards a busy person. “The next appointments can wait. I’ll come over in twenty minutes. Would it be okay, or did you want to go at a specific time?”

_She's even ditching work for you._

He swallowed and shook his head until he remembered that Yeojoo couldn't see him. "No, any time is good. I just… want to be there." _For her._

“Mhm. She isn’t doing very well currently and I couldn’t make her feel better at all, so I hope that at least you will be able to. I’m on my way, see you in twenty minutes, Hyungwon. Ah- have you eaten? I can get some delivery on the way, then you can take it along to Wonhee, she hasn’t eaten anything either because they kept zooming in on her thighs…”

_Oh no._

He hummed again and for a brief moment he thought of checking what people had written about Wonhee, what the things were that she was confronted with. He thought of it, but almost instantly he realised that when the articles had been about him and his past, he hadn't wanted anybody to see.

_It's not only about the pictures, but about the things people say. She wouldn't want you to see those._

"I don't know if I can make it any better, but I want to try. I… know what it feels like," he whispered and closed his eyes, waiting for Yeojoo to end the call.

“Who knows, but somehow I think that you have your fair share of empathy and understanding for struggles like those, so maybe she’ll listen to you. I’ll be on my way, see you in a bit.”

He didn't say anything else and merely listened to the nothing that entered his ears after the sound that indicated the call was disconnected. He struggled to move, unable to think about anything but the look on Wonhee's face when they simply 'okay'ed' each other and went their respective ways. It had felt wrong, so wrong that he couldn't wait to leave his safe space and be with her again.

After the suit, he had nothing to give her anymore, so he merely dressed as a reflection of his feelings and waited with his shoe-clad feet rubbing over the mat at the front door.

Yeojoo came as promised and gave him a call that he took as a sign to come down. It was easy to recognize the luxurious car and the elegant woman inside that looked sophisticated, gesturing for him to join her.

“I got some salad at D&D but they were so incredibly slow, sorry,” she commented as soon as he opened the passenger door and quickly slipped into the comfortable leather seats.

"I didn't even realize how the time passed," he answered truthfully, mostly because he had spent it staring at his feet. "Thank you for coming. I know that I'm actually a stranger to you and I’m asking for a favour without returning anything."

“But don’t you think it’s weird that we learn to not expect kindness from strangers? Why not? Why can’t people be kind to others? Is it some friendship/relationship kind of privilege? I’ll only be nice to you if we’re close. But yeah, people are like that. I wouldn’t be doing my job if everybody was nice, so I guess I have to be thankful or something.” Yeojoo chuckled and waited until he buckled up to drive around the block towards Wonhee’s apartment building. “How have you been?”

"Lonely," he replied and chuckled. "And still Wonhee was the one to come to me, despite feeling the way she does. Either it's safety or companionship. She seems like the only one who somehow is able to provide both when we are together."

_Is it the way she speaks so truthfully that makes you open up? Or is it because she is close to Wonhee and Wonhee cares about her?_

“I know what you mean. I always feel so… authentic with her. I’m not sure if it makes sense to you, but when we are together I feel most like myself. She can make me feel like that more than anybody else and I’m thankful for it. I also think that she doesn’t deserve her family and her past experiences, but we can’t just change the way somebody’s life goes, can we?” Yeojoo sighed and looked over her shoulder before turning around the corner into Wonhee’s street. “I don’t think exposing herself like that was a smart move, but then again, I don’t think she had been looking out to make a smart move. She probably felt helpless because she couldn’t help you. It kind of worked to be honest, it was so easy to remove the articles because they exchanged most of them for Wonhee’s pictures.”

_She said she wanted to understand you, but was it really worth the price?_

"I never wanted her to know what it feels like, not even if it saves me," he whispered and covered his face with his hands. He had simply decided to go to Wonhee, without even knowing how to make her feel better. What was he even supposed to say? Was knowing what it felt like enough to make it better? He knew that one couldn't make it better just like that, not with words and if Wonhee didn't want him there, he had no way to give her peace either.

_You still think it's the right thing to do, but you are so unprepared._

“Did I say something wrong?” Yeojoo asked before parking right in front of the main entrance. “It’s not your fault that she did it, we have different personalities and I would have tried completely different things first, but she is like that. That was a very Wonhee thing to do. I just don’t think she was aware of how badly it breaks you. I’m pretty sure that she doesn’t want to be alone right now, she is because she is scared, but I don’t think she wants it. You are doing the right thing.”

Hyungwon hummed softly, realising how attentive Yeojoo seemed to be as a person. Somehow he must have shown his concerns and the guilt that was sharing space with his insecurity.

"Thank you for saying that," he replied and suddenly realised that those had been Wonhee's words when he tried to make her feel better. "I hope my presence will be worth more than words."

He opened the car door and smiled at Yeojoo, thanking her once again before hurrying through the lobby towards the elevator. It was still early enough to avoid the security guard, so he pressed the right floor and tapped out the speed of his heartbeat with his foot. Outside of the elevator, his anxiety returned and he tried to make sure not to see anybody on his way to the single door he wished would open.

_What if she is too scared to open the door?_

Hyungwon pressed the bell and waited, forehead pressed to the sturdy wood in an attempt to hear if Wonhee was close. He heard steps but the door didn’t open. The noises quietened down without anything happening.

_She must be standing right in front of the door._

His heartbeat became so loud that he could feel it in his ears and lips, hands shaking a little and hesitating to press the doorbell again.

"Wonhee?" he whispered and could barely speak from the fear of her not wanting to see him. He had thousands of reasons for why she might hesitate to open the door, but still the fear was right there, wrapping around him no matter his rational thoughts. "Wonhee… it's me."

The silence felt like a judgment about everything that he was, but he heard a sound like nails drawing lines on the wood before there was the click of the automatic lock and the heavy door finally gave in. He could see Wonhee’s round eye first, wide and looking at him from the darkness of her apartment which was strange as it had been extremely bright every single time that he visited.

_She must have acted like you, covering it in darkness because it felt safe._

"Hey," he murmured and remained standing right there, hands yearning to embrace her but hesitating. "May I come in?"

“Is something the matter?” she asked, voice rough and clearing her throat right after realizing it herself. “I’m sorry that I didn’t open sooner.”

"I wouldn't have either," he replied and dared to smile a little. "I wanted to see you, Wonhee. I missed you and I know the feeling of being by yourself in the space that's supposed to be safe. I would have liked to have you there when I was and I thought… maybe you feel the same about me."

“I feel ashamed, but I still want you to come in,” she whispered, before turning away and leaving the door open as she disappeared in the dark hallway.

Hyungwon closed the door and hummed to show that he understood before making his way after her. He wanted Wonhee to feel safe next to him, to be at least a little at ease the way he was able to feel next to her.

_She's always been so careful to not make a mistake and possibly ruin everything. Now you know how it feels too._

The short woman had disappeared into the living room that was completely dark as the blinds were shut and only a slim line of light entered the room through the bottom part, painting a long strip on the couch that Wonhee curled up on. “Are you hungry or thirsty?” she asked even though she must’ve not done anything for her own bodily needs all this time.

"I should be asking you the same," he replied and lifted the bag with the D&D salads for Wonhee to see. "I brought something."

He could see the dark eyes staring at the bag before they focused on the piece of the carpet in front of her as she pulled her legs closer to her chest. “I’ve always been so proud of eating a lot before and now it feels like if I continue, I will create more reasons for them to attack me and destroy the tiny bit of me that’s still there, so maybe I shouldn’t eat. But you should eat, you must be really hungry. You didn’t touch the cake either.”

"Because of the mask," he replied and brushed through his hair, struggling to hide his shock from the change in Wonhee's behaviour. "I didn't eat because I didn't want to endanger the children."

Hyungwon made his way towards Wonhee and sat down next to her, without touching her even though she might have initiated touch before.

_She must feel so insecure, so scared of what you think about her._

"The things they say… there is no reason for them. If I have learned something, then it is that. Any little thing they will pick as the reason to bring you down and even when there isn't anything they will make one. They will make it and repeat until you believe it." Inhaling deeply, he reached out and wrapped his arm around Wonhee's shoulders, carefully, without applying pressure the way he had done it back then when they hadn't really known each other. "There is nothing wrong with you, Wonhee. To me you are everything I have ever wanted. You make me feel so lonely without you, that I can't even bear to stay in my safe space if it doesn't have you."

"But it's everybody. It was everybody. When the articles came out and people commented and my phone started ringing I couldn't throw it away because I was waiting for your call or message, so I just had to look at it, at all those things and then the letter came that my own parents are suing me for damages and while I was reading it, my phone rang again and it was you telling me that you can't come and just want to be alone. I don't think I've ever felt this empty and useless in my whole life. It's not your fault, you have been dealing with so much more than this your whole life, just- I'm just weak and I can't take it." Wonhee buried her face in her hands and curled up tighter, as if to make herself even smaller than she was.

"You're not," he whispered, but he knew that the words wouldn't change anything. "You're so strong, Wonhee. You're still here, you opened the door, you even came all the way over to me when I wasn't able to leave. Even though you felt terrible, _you_ were the one taking care of _me_. I wish you didn't have to go through this, but I cannot make it undone. I don't have that ability, but I can be there for you the way you were for me. You're my happy place, so maybe you can let me be yours."

"I feel so ashamed even though I'm angry at people saying all those mean things. I'm angry, but then I get so hurt and think that there must be something true to it because why, tell me, why would anybody say things like that about another person? Why if it isn't true? They said I should've used all that money I have for plastic surgery because it's offensive to be rich and look like that. I- don't even know what to say. I'm just sorry that you have to listen to this when you've been the target and it was so much worse for you and you stood through it alone."

_She thinks she has no right to feel hurt, just because you were hurt more._

"I wouldn't wish that on anybody, Wonhee. Because I've been hurt doesn't mean that your pain isn't valid. You're allowed to feel hurt and I do want you to tell me about it and to share with me. It's a terrible feeling to know that there is nothing you can do for another person. A lie screamed louder than the truth doesn't make it true. But it's easier to believe it. Don't apologise and look at me, Wonhee."

He held his breath and let his fingers carefully brush along Wonhee's shoulder and travel towards her face, caressing her cheek.

"People bring others down because they are insecure and by insulting you they feel superior. You said that everybody says those things about you, but that's not true. Many stay silent and because of that the truth is silenced by the ones screaming the lies. I won't let it be silenced."

"I feel ripped apart by their words but in the end it's what I think about myself and what you think about me that's making me most scared. What if you think that I'm disgusting? I've been so open about my body before, playing with it and now I just feel like hiding, so nobody can see me." She sobbed quietly and he could feel the tension in her body as she held onto her knees. "When I look at you," Wonhee whispered and lifted her dark gaze, focusing on his face. "Then I see the most beautiful person I've ever seen in my life. And then I feel scared because I don't understand how that person would want someone like me." Suddenly the tension loosened and Wonhee crawled closer, letting him see the oversized t-shirt she was wearing and sitting back on her calves. "I know you told me about your insecurity and about how others could see and judge you and I think I understand now. It's so prominent, you can't believe that it might not be real because for you it is."

He hummed and pulled Wonhee closer towards himself, feeling her warmth and hoping that she was able to feel his too.

"For me my current body is what I wanted, what I have and always tried to achieve. It's not perfect, but it's me. There… has never been a person that seemed to like it too, no one before you. I understand the way you feel because the mere possibility of a person seeing and feeling disgust is so terrifying because it feels like it could break the last bit of yourself. That one bit that you put together with so much effort. I-" Hyungwon closed his eyes and leaned in to let his forehead touch Wonhee's. "I feel the same way about you, Wonhee. To me you are the most beautiful person and I cannot believe that you would want to be with me, somebody who doesn't fit in and is probably detested by your parents."

"My parents detest me too, so I feel like every decision I've made in the past few weeks has been the right thing to do. Like I should've done it earlier. I don't want to please anybody but myself and you're the only person who makes me feel like being myself is enough." Wonhee reached for his hand, fingers trembling as they carefully wrapped around his wrist and she leaned in, placing a soft kiss on his lips. A kiss that felt like flying in between big white clouds. "I still feel like shit but you make me feel so much better."

_It was the same way for you, wasn't it? Companionship that provides safety._

"I love you, Wonhee," he whispered against those curved lips and let his eyes flutter shut, melting into the touch they shared. They had kissed before but it felt more meaningful somehow, as if both of them knew what it meant to be this close, to have another person they trusted enough to be intimate with. "I'm so proud of you for fighting back, for deciding to change something. I told you I will be by your side and I meant every word. You're more than enough, to me you are perfect."

Wonhee lifted both hands, caressing his shoulders, traveling along his neck and finally cupping his face with both palms. He had missed the tenderness so much. "I feel like people expect you to give them reasons for who you are and how you live. They expect it to tire you out, to make you feel as if you're strange, weird, that you don't fit in, but in the end… in the end, you don't have to explain yourself. You are you and you don't owe anyone an explanation. You don't, Hyungwon. You're enough."

_But are you really?_

Hyungwon leaned into the warm touch of Wonhee's hands, glad to have those round eyes on him, to know that Wonhee wanted him there. "But do you really not want to know? Aren't you curious why I decided to become who I am now, who I was before and what I had to change to achieve it. Not even the name I had before I became Hyungwon? Usually people want to know the 'normal' me to understand what went wrong. Why… why don't you, Wonhee?"

_Why hasn't she asked even once?_

"Why haven't you asked what exactly Mark did to me? You never wanted to know even though people love stories like that. You never asked why I wanted to go to the nunnery and I didn't tell you. There's a reason for it. If it was important to you, you would've shared it with me and if it's not, it doesn't matter. I care about who you are now and you care about who I am now. You told me that you're Hyungwon and you smiled at me, making me fall for you right there and that's who you are to me. The most beautiful man I've ever seen."

His fingers trembled as he held onto Wonhee's shoulders and carefully stroked down her arms, caressing her while his emotions were boiling over in his chest. Wonhee wasn't only somebody who accepted him for who he was, even without a past, but she even accepted his desire to keep it a closed book, to acknowledge it as his journey, but also as a chapter in his life that had been written already.

The bubble was right there around them again, a thin layer of soapy water that was only kept together by them and their words, their feelings for each other. The bubble began small, just covering their skin until it was finally able to grow, covering them whole, leaving out the past and only containing the present.

He wanted to express how it felt, to show Wonhee that this was everything and more to him, the intimacy he had been yearning for and struggled to find. A safe space that he could be himself.

"Wonhee, I-" he began and had to swallow, overwhelmed by the way Wonhee's gaze made him feel.

The beautiful woman smiled, shaking her head and pulling him so close that he could feel her exhales against his neck. She smelled like flowers and everything that he learned to love during the past few weeks, sharing her softness and warmth as her lips moved against his ear, making him hold his breath for a second. "You don't have to explain yourself," she whispered.

THE END

  
  
  



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